[fishburn7]

So I've been with my girlfriend now for more than a year and a half and we're doing great despite a little trouble last summer.

More recently I have been reading up on how to give her an amazing orgasm, and I understand it only has 20% to do with me actually touching her. But since I've started reading up I've noticed more and more that she doesn't get horny unless there is direct stimulation to the genitals. Now don't think that I try something for 5 minutes and say screw it, it's not working and go right to stimulating her. That's not how it is. For example this past weekend I started getting into her head the first minute I saw her. The teasing and whatnot lasted for hours. And then when we got to bed the soft strokes on her thighs and sides followed by a massage. And following all that she still was not horny.

I read "the female orgasm blackbook" and it seemed to be knowledgeable at the very least but when putting the advice into action it did not work.

So my question is. Am I doing something wrong? I know our relationship is fine. She loves me and the entire time she says it feels good but never good enough to turn her on.

There is a posibility that I'm just plain stupid and don't know what I'm doing but that's why I'm asking. I would like to improve my abilities.

[redhed35]

In all your research have you asked her what she likes?

Is she stressed? Heavy work load?

Looking over your other posts,there is also the possibility that you both have very different sexually drives.

[Cat1864]

I was just reading your older threads. I think you are trying to control what she feels and how she reacts way too much.

It seems to be a lot of what you want and she may be unconsciously holding back because of the pressure. You can't control what is going on in her brain. Through all of your teasing, did she tease back or respond in any way that made you believe she was getting into it?

Do you ever just talk to her about what she likes and wants? What feels good to her? What turns her on? What her fantasies are?

[450donn]

Look up laugh your way to a better marriage, by Mark Gunger It will change your outlook on sex and marriage 100%
You can get snippets of his stuff on YouTube

[Gemini54]

Sheesh. Why don't you just both relax and enjoy sex? It is really enjoyable you know.

Why all this emphasis on the mind blowing orgasm? The poor woman probably feels pressured and a little controlled. How do you know she's not 'horny', because she's not hanging off the ceiling?

Try focusing on the journey (sex is really a lot of fun) not the destination. Back off a little and play with each other. Focus on being with her, not making her be something you want.

[smoothy]

True... Filet Mignon loses it appeal if you expect to have it every day.

[beanz86]

I have the same problem as your partner, believe me we want to feel turned on, my partner gets so upset thinking he has done something wrong and he hasn't I love his all the world and more it's the old saying its not you its me, give her time and don't push because the more you oush and as horrible as it sounds the more you try the more we don't want to be turned on, try just the cuddling and holding hands and just being close rather than the making love

[321543]

Never heard of the female black book, until now. However try listening to her and being a good ear. That's a good start. For our mind is the key to all things. So build up a little mystery and excitement.

[LJDK]

Here is a little fact of life.
If they can get it, then they do not want it. Like beanz said, if you try to turn them on, then it won't work.
Ask her to play a game with you. For a few weeks she must try to seduce you and you must say no for as long as you can.

Women work that way. Give them excitement, they long for comfort. Give them comfort, then they long for excitement.

[Cat1864]

Here is a little fact of life.
If they can get it, then they do not want it. Like beanz said, if you try to turn them on, then it wont work.
You have two options. Get a fling on the side, or just deny her sex every time she wants it. This should make her more horny.

Women work that way. Give them excitement, they long for comfort. Give them comfort, then they long for excitement. Give them love? they want the thrill of a new fling. Give them the thrill of a new fling, and they long for love.

Catch my drift? They are a very confused species. With all the excuses in the world they recently discoverd a new myth that their emotions play a major role in their libido.

I would go for option one. Same situation i was, just like you. But we agreed to option two.

Dont know why... but its working.

I strongly disagree with what LJDK has written. However, since it is his opinion (though bordering on stating it as fact), I am not going to give him a 'disagree'.

Suggesting that someone in a committed and monogamous relationship have a fling is one of the stupidest things that can ever be 'advised' by anyone. If the relationship is not working out for whatever reason, get out of it. DO NOT decide that you can have your cake and eat it too that is unfair to both parties.

Playing games with sex and intimacy is one of the biggest problems in relationships. If you can't be open and honest with each other and discuss the problems then there is something wrong with the relationship that getting 'horny' won't fix.

Women, like men, have many different motivators, wants, desires and needs. The only way to know what anyone wants, needs, and desires is to talk with the person.

What beanz said is that the more pressure there is to get 'horny' the more she (like a lot of other people) will shut down and not respond. Taking time and building an intimate relationship is very different from 'withholding' sex from someone just to make them respond the way you want them to respond. (i.e. don't give them sex when they want it to make them hornier.)

[redhed35]

Here is a little fact of life.
If they can get it, then they do not want it. Like beanz said, if you try to turn them on, then it wont work.
You have two options. Get a fling on the side, or just deny her sex every time she wants it. This should make her more horny.

Women work that way. Give them excitement, they long for comfort. Give them comfort, then they long for excitement. Give them love? they want the thrill of a new fling. Give them the thrill of a new fling, and they long for love.

Catch my drift? They are a very confused species. With all the excuses in the world they recently discoverd a new myth that their emotions play a major role in their libido.

I would go for option one. Same situation i was, just like you. But we agreed to option two.

Dont know why... but its working.

I disagree!

A fling on the side,pick up an std or two on the side too...

This is an emotionally immature response,not to mention down right dangerous.

[LJDK]

Just to clarify.
Saying no when she wants sex, is something that has to be agreed upon before hand.

Call it a sex game, it must be her mission to seduce you, and your mission to say no. It's a turn on. For both parties.

But it is important she is aware of it, and agrees to it. If she does not, well...

[redhed35]

Just to clarify.
Saying no when she wants sex, is something that has to be agreed upon before hand.

Call it a sex game, it must be her mission to seduce you, and your mission to say no. Its a turn on. For both parties.

But it is important she is aware of it, and agrees to it. If she does not, well...

On the other note, i know a fling is not the right thing to do, but protection helps. Just use it as a last resort. Personally, i feel if you do not get any for 3 months, then why not?

LJDK,I don't mean to offend you,but seriously,are you 12!

I understand that it is your opinion,however,that advice will not help the op,nor his relationship.

The why not approach is dangerous,its cheating,its disrespectful to your partner,and its using someone's else to get your rocks off... it beggers belief that in this day and age,that your suggestion for a fling could be taken seriously,I only hope that the op realises this.

[Cat1864]

On the other note, i know a fling is not the right thing to do, but protection helps. Just use it as a last resort. Personally, i feel if you do not get any for 3 months, then why not?

A big why not is that it is cheating. It is being unfaithful and if you truly love someone it wouldn't be an option. There are many times in a relationship where a couple may have to abstain from sex for months if not even years. Health concerns like pregnancy complications and postpartum healing and certain forms of cancer or infections, etc. are just a few reasons.

If you can't contemplate being with that person without sex, then you need to find someone you do feel that strongly about.

No form of birth control is 100% effective and he could get his 'fling' pregnant. There are many ways to sexually transmitted diseases that condoms can't stop (one small tear at the base of the penis, a cut in the mouth, etc.).

[LJDK]

Disrespectful would be to give an excuse every time instead of trying to figure out why they are not getting in the mood.
Apologies if my opinions are not the best advise, but they are but opinions. I would rather post a new thread about flings and cheating so we can discuss this considering this is not a thread about that.

So out of respect I will remove the suggestion.

[Catsmine]

So out of respect i will remove the suggestion.

LJDK, you need to say what you mean the first time or don't say anything. Editing out bad advice when called on it is admitting the advice was bad. American society is rife with people speaking before they think about what to say, from the President ("acted stupidly") on down to me. Think!

Fishburn, in all of your research, did they ever mention the term "individual," as in individuals respond differently? Turning your lady on can be much more easily achieved by reading her, not a research paper.

[shazamataz]

LDK, my parnter and I did not have sex for over 2 years... does that mean he should have been cheating on me for 2 years?

Granted mine was due to a medical problems but are you seriously saying that lack of sex is an excuse the cheat?

Anyway, in response to Catsmine suggestion of "individuals responding differently" it's very true... I find it hard to get int the mood and it took me a long time to figure out what my 'trigger' was. Everyone is different, I personally read erotic stories and it works for me every time, others need physical touching (back rubs, massages etc) it all depends on your partner as to what she likes.

[LJDK]

It was not bad advise at all. Just do not want anyone to be upset about the fact that yes, I do believe you are entitled to have an affair / fling if you do not get any at home.

Unless if it is due to medical reasons, but if it is because the partner to self obsessed and wollows in self pity about work stress so much that they can't seem to get aroused, then yes I honestly do believe there is nothing wrong with a shag buddy.

Apart from STD's what real harm is there? After all, if you try and fail constantly without a little light at the end of the tunnel, then why would it be so unfair to remind yourself that you are still attractive, desirable and wanted. Even if it is not your partner wanting you, at least someone does.

If I was depressed about work or other social aspects and I always declined my fiancé, then she may in her own right go and get it somewhere else. I would not mind, knowing I could have said yes, but instead I chose to be selfish and focus more on my worries than my love for this person.

If you can still give love to your partner, and treat them with the same respect while having a shag buddy, then why is it wrong? Seriously.
He would be happy because he is satisfied sexually, and she would be happy because she will not be "pestered" for sensual love every night or what ever the case may be.

Its win win.
I discussed this topic with my fiancé. She was very upset with me, for thinking the way I do about this, so I guess you can all take comfort she feels the same way you all do.

[Catsmine]

It was not bad advise at all. Just do not want anyone to be upset about the fact that yes, i do believe you are entitled to have an affair / fling if you do not get any at home.

Unless if it is due to medical reasons, but if it is because the partner to self obsessed and wollows in self pity about work stress so much that they can't seem to get aroused, then yes i honestly do believe there is nothing wrong with a shag buddy.

Apart from STD's what real harm is there? After all, if you try and fail constantly without a little light at the end of the tunnel, then why would it be so unfair to remind yourself that you are still attractive, desireable and wanted. Even if it is not your partner wanting you, at least someone does.

If i was depressed about work or other social aspects and i always declined my fiance, then she may in her own right go and get it somewhere else. I would not mind, knowing i could have said yes, but instead i chose to be selfish and focus more on my worries than my love for this person.

If you can still give love to your partner, and treat them with the same respect while having a shag buddy, then why is it wrong? Seriously.
He would be happy because he is satisfied sexually, and she would be happy because she will not be "pestered" for sensual love every night or what ever the case may be.

Its win win.
I discussed this topic with my fiance. She was very upset with me, for thinking the way i do about this, so i guess you can all take comfort she feels the same way you all do.

This is, in a nutshell, the reason all the religions and societies think sex without commitment is a bad idea. You have negated the entire concept of fidelity. With this mindset, it's OK to sell Google secrets to Bing while drawing a paycheck from Google or it would be OK for a soldier to sell troop movements to Al-Jazeera.

A fiancé is someone you have promised to marry and be faithful to. If I were her I'd call off the wedding.

We're hijacking Fishburn7's thread. Fish, my advice again is to make it more personal and less academic.

[fishburn7]

I've taken your advice catsmine and made it more personal. It works great. Somehow I got lost in the academic side of sex and believe me that's not where anyone wants to be. It's much more fun now. She's like it's her job. :D

And I don't know what happened to this thread but I find it kind of funny. Infidelity is never the answer. Sorry, it cause many more problems than it could possible fix. And it only fixes one, and that one problem comes back multiple times a day for us guys so it's not really a fix lol.