[higgs505]

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I'm about to leave him for the 3rd time because of the way he treats me. He controls all the finances and I have to beg him for anything I have always worked and paid my own bills but the one time I need help he won't. I don't do anything right in his eyes. I have been very depressed lately. I am always happier when were separated. But for some reason I keep going back mostly I think because of our son. I also have an older son from a previuos relationship that live in ca with his father and we are in Texas which has been very hard to leave him again. He thinks that's I take it out on him but I don't. We have tried marriage counseling and we have a lot of problems to work on Im just not sure I have anymore fight in me. As soon as I mentioned leaving again he became super nice I don't know if its real or he's just doing it so I won't leave? Any advice from someone who has gone through this?

[jaime90]

This guy is controlling. It's hard to believe that you didn't see any red flags for such a harsh quality when you were dating. It is admirable that you think about your son, and endure such treatment for his sake. But you also have to look toward the future. Ask yourself some pointed questions: When your son is a teenager, how will he be treated by his father? Is his father going to be a good role model? Would it benefit your son for you to leave this man, or for you to stick with it and fight through? Would it benefit YOU to leave this man? You could also ask people who know about the situation a little better than we do. Ask friends and family, or a neutral party what they observe about the relationship, and what would be in your best interest. A lot of women who are abused don't leave the relationship because of their children, or because the love they have for the man. In such a situation, it would be a good idea to put feelings aside, and think with your head, not with your heart.

(I've never been through anything like this, but I hope I have helped if only a little.)

[higgs505]

Ya that was the problem he's in the military 2 weeks after we met he went to boot camp then moved to wa I got pregnant we got married then he went to iraq so I didn't see the real him until it was to late. Well I know what I need to do its just a matter of doing it! Thanks for the advice

[jaime90]

It could take some time to wrap your brain around it, and find out how to go about doing what you need to do. You could always ask advice from others who are close friends of yours. They may have further insight into the situation- insight that I personally, don't have.

This has got to be hard for you. I'm only 19, so it's difficult for me to understand the concept of having a child, and taking care of a family. I can though, relate on a certain level. My fiancé is also in the military. I met him over a year before he joined the Marine Corps, so I knew him pretty well before we began dating. Long distance relationships take a lot of work. And it has to be especially confusing when you hardly got to know the guy as a civilian. I can't imagine being in the situation you are in, but I wish you the best of luck. If I can help in any other way, let me know.

[Gemini54]

I don't think that this requires marriage counselling. He needs to get some assistance on his own. Is he really interested in saving your marriage? Then make him going to counselling - on his own - be a condition of you staying.

However, you now have 2 children by two fathers. You need to start thinking maturely about the unwise choices you have made and start making good choices for yourself.

People that are controlling eventually wear you down so that all you want to do is escape. If the marriage is not salvageable, then get out and start again. Take control of your own life by making choices that will make your life better.

[emma80]

I have been exactly in the position you are in.
I was with my ex husband for 11 years before I left for the final time. I had left him many times in the past but always went back , excuses usually were -
Because of the children , financial reasons , its my home , I love him , he will change etc etc the list goes on.

Yes we did the relationship therapy talking too , what a waste of time that was and please do not think staying will be the best thing for your son , to see his mum unhappy is making him unhappy. Children see, hear and feel a whole lot more than we give them credit for. If he can not understand what is going on he will start to make up his own version of events.

Sadly he never changed , he was a violent and controlling man. I had a breakdown a year prior to leaving him , he messed my head up that much.
I will not say leaving him was easy , but as the days passed it did get easier and three years later, the only regret I have is staying with him for so long.

[Fr_Chuck]

So leave and stop going back, you know how bad he is