[Empress21]

Ive been with my baby's father for 2 years and I gained weight because of the baby. I was always a big girl I am 5ft 10in tall and I currently weight 217. When we met I was 200. Anyway now he's telling me that he loves me but he don't like big girls and he wants me to lose weight. I started working out and I lost 8 pounds, I couldn't workout the week of christmas because I was very very busy, and he had a fit. He had the nerve to tell me that if I don't lose weight he's going to leave me or cheat on me.
I was very hurt that he said that and my mind is telling me to get fit and drop his . But I don't know if I should do that. Im starting to think that he doesn't love me bust he claims that I'm overreacting but I don't feel that way. He appologized and told me that he just wants me to be healthy and he wants me to get in shape because my weight bothers him. What should I do? I do want to lose weight anyway but not for him for myself.

[Fr_Chuck]

No men don't say this, jack a... say things like that.

So you tell him there is the door, you were a little heavy when he meet you, and that love is caring for the other and accepting them just the way they are.

If you want to lose weight, do it for you, for your health but never change just because someone else threatens.

I would tell him if he really feels that way, and will leave if you don't lose weight, that you want someone that loves you regardless.

Also I hear babies father, reason that is not husband ?

[jmjoseph]

First off, he is rude and hateful.

Secondly, never do anything like lose weight just to keep someone. It's just not worth the trouble. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't make such demands.

He should understand that women gain weight when they have children. AND they are sensitive about that weight, and don't like for people to even bring it up.

He doesn't have a clue.

He's not saying those things for your health. It's for him.

He is just a tool. Tell him to work on his issues first.

You just be happy at all costs. With, or WITHOUT him.

[Empress21]

Thank you chuck for replying and no we are not married because that's a personal choice of mine. I don't want to get married.___________________________thank you JMjoseph and no I'm not losing the weight for him I'm doing it for me. No one can tell me what to when it comes to certain things and he's very insensitive. But that has been a personal goal of mine and I have been working hard at it.

[Cat1864]

Be very clear that you are getting into shape for you not him.

If he continues to say things like those, then let him continue to be the baby's father without being the mother's lover. If it continues, he isn't being helpful, he is attempting to tear down your self-esteem (which can be seen as giving him an excuse-in his own mind-to cheat), and he is teetering on the edge of emotional abuse. You and the child deserve better than someone who wants to play mental games instead of giving loving support and understanding. How often does he cook healthy meals and watch the baby while you workout? How often does he say how good you are looking or that he is proud of you for even losing one pound?

How long since you had your child? Healthy weight loss does not happen overnight and it takes months to take off the weight that you gain in pregnancy. If he is truly concerned about your health then he knows that you need to take it slow and not try to dump a lot of weight at once. He should also know that nagging/threatening/and other forms of negative reinforcement only cause negative results like the other person doing the exact opposite of what he wants. Good eating and sleep habits are just as important (and harder to achieve with a baby).

Good luck and be safe.

[J_9]

Fair warning... Once you lose the weight he will find something else to complain about.

So, how much does he weigh? Lose his weight first (him), then start working on yourself.

[Romefalls19]

Working out for someone else, won't ever work. Do it for yourself, use his crappy words as motivation.

He will always find something wrong with you, the weight is just the easiest issue for now

[talaniman]

I think when he talks stupid you fire back at him. Tell him to shut the "F" up!

[MsMewiththat]

I think that what everyone has responded with is fine and accurate in part, but part of what he said is just honesty. I think it really depends on how it was presented to you and how you felt when he said it. If he was saying things in a hurtful, spiteful manner, you have more things to discuss with him. If you were feeling defensive and took it out of context than hold your horses.
I think that it is important when a man is able to be honest with how he feels or what he likes. Isn't it the pits when we have to wonder "what they are thinking" or "if they think we look fat in our jeans"? Only you know what you should do.
If you are on your path to loose the weight keep going and be the healtheist happiest you, you can be. Understand that there is always the possibility that he will cheat or leave just follow your heart.

[Cat1864]

he had the nerve to tell me that if i dont lose weight hes going to leave me or cheat on me.

MsMewiththat, I have to disagree with part of what you said. Threatening to leave is one thing, but threatening to CHEAT is another. Both are emotional blackmail at best. It is extremely difficult to take someone telling you that if you don't lose the weight he/she is going to cheat the wrong way.

He made a decision to get involved with her when she weighed 200 pounds. Now that she weighs 217, after having a baby and is attempting to lose the weight, he wants to pull the 'I don't like big girls' card out of his hat. That sounds more like an excuse or more attempts at emotional blackmail than the truth.

Being honest is one thing. Being cruel and hurtful is another.

[MsMewiththat]

Cat... I agree and I stated that I for the most part agree. My response was to get her to look at it in another way and decide if what he stated was taken out of context. What if this is her translation and not exactly his words? We have only heard her side and everyone is suggesting that she bail. I also stated that if this was what he said there are more important things she needs to discuss with him and first and foremost that would be respect. Sometimes when we feel attacked we hear things and translate them differently. I was asking her to look at what was said without being defensive and if it was said in a different manner to see it for his honesty.

[jmjoseph]

The name of this post is "the hurtful things men say". This is not a "men" issue. This is about a guy that doesn't respect his lady. This is about someone who's parents should have taught him manners, and how to be considerate of other people's feelings.

Sure there are a lot of men like this guy. But there are a lot more that know that saying these hateful things only hurts your mates feelings, and breeds resentment.

My wife gained some weight after the birth of our two sons, but you'll never hear me say anything about it. She wants to lose weight, and I am supportive of that. She may mention it from time to time, and all I say is that I love her just the way she is.

Because I do.

[Gemini54]

Sorry, but threatening to bonk someone else unless you lose weight is unacceptable, and first class jerk behavior.

Why don't you tell him that you refuse to have sex with him until he can get a civil tongue in his head?

You may well need to lose weight, but I hardly think he's giving you an incentive. The only incentive here, is to lose him!

Anyway, the words may have been said in the heat of the moment and he is the father of your child. Tell him you're doing your best, but that you need his love and appreciation, not his deprecation.

It's not just your body he has a relationship with.

[MJisastar]

What a complete abusive . A nice man knows to keep his mouth shut about a woman's weight. My MOM is like that on my weight but god... men aren't supposed to be.
And of course you want to lose weight for yourself. And tell him that. And tell him if he doesn't like you he needs to get the over it or move on.
Although seriously...
Move on.
You don't deserve that.

[Devorameira]

Kick him to the curb without delay!

You can't change HIM, and he would never be satisfied with you if you did lose weight. He evidently wants to get out of the relationship-let him.

Move on. There is someone out there that will love you just the way you are. This relationship has come to an end, so give it up. He is not worthy of YOU.

Remember - what goes around, comes around. He is heading for his fat years, just give him time. But don't give him the time of day anymore. Get rid of the jerk, and go on with your life.