[asking]

Okay. I've been single for a while and have been playing around on a dating site. I have gone on a few dates, but nothing much happened. Either I wasn't interested, or they weren't and I didn't really care.

So I was writing to this person who seemed neat but too far away. It felt safe, except that over a few days, we could not stop writing to each other. He called me last night and we talked for nearly 4 hours. He lives a thousand miles away. If he lived around here, I would certainly date him.

Why am I trying to make my life so difficult?

I feel confused and don't trust myself. Plus there is a lot I don't know about him, obviously. I don't really even know what my question is. I just wonder why I've let this go so far and if I should just follow along or pull back and be sensible. I just have that this-is-going-too-fast feeling. Except it's fun and exciting.

I have two kids still living with me, 16 and 20. My younger son has a year and half more of high school and lives half time with his father.

Help, AMHD friends!

[COOKIE MONSTER]

If you like him you should tell him its moving to fast and that you would like to slow things down abit and see how things go.
Don't blow it out the water because he lives to far away

[asking]

Just to reassure some of you, I do know what he does for a living and that he is for real and seems pretty straightforward and honest. It's not some scam or like that. But I don't remember ever talking to anybody on the phone for more than about 2 hours, in my whole life. Nor was he feeding me lines. It didn't feel like that.

[I wish]

If it's not feasible for one of you to move to your respective countries, then you might not be able to take this friendship to the next level since you would only be able to communicating online or by phone.

If you are looking for something more than a friendship, then try meeting more people in your area. Dating sites is an option, but I would suggest doing activities that you're interested in. By doing an activity (hobby, sport, volunteering, etc.) you would be sure to have something in common with the other person. So it would already make it easier to get along.

[asking]

Thanks I wish and cookie monster. Just for the record, he is not in another country. Not sure if that matters. Just two different states in the US. And I met him on a dating site. I was volunteering all last year and didn't meet anyone. It's discouraging to look and look in your own area and not find anyone and then find someone who seems right but who is so far away. Of course, I want more than a friendship.

[I wish]

If he's willing to spend 4 hours with you on the phone, then he's has some interest in you too. Just keep talking to him and getting to know him better.

How far apart are the two States? Driving distance?

[asking]

San Francisco Bay Area to Denver. I haven't measured it yet. A long way.
I think this is a distance it's cheaper to fly.

He seems EVEN more interested than I am, but I think sometimes men do that. Yes? I don't want to get confused about that.

[I wish]

I don't think you need to measure his interest level so soon. You haven't even met in person yet, so just keep getting to know each other better and go with the flow.

SF and Denver isn't too far. I think about 1-2 hour flight.

[am3201993]

That is romantic if you fly all the way just to see the man that might be the right mach for you as for me I have the biggest question that I'm having problems with and don't know what to do. Yes men do that I don't know why but they do which is nice but just have a sit down with him and ask him how interrested he is about you that is what I would do if I had a guy.

[Fr_Chuck]

The only trouble with long distant dating, is the distant. I have had it, and at some point, it all boils down to when and where it moves into a in person relationship.

At some point if it is going to be a real in person one, someone will have to move, In may case I sold a house, quit a job and moved to a new city with no job, and just LOVE to go to.

These type of things don't happen easy and for people who can't just step out in faith, it may never work

[asking]

At some point if it is going to be a real in person one, someone will have to move, In may case I sold a house, quit a job and moved to a new city with no job, and just LOVE to go to.

I know it's different for everyone, but did that work out for you? Weren't you leaving behind friends?

[jaime90]

The more you know about someone before you get into a relationship with them, the more comfortable you will be when it comes to transitioning into a relationship. Start with being friends with the guy and learn as much as you can about him. It could take months or years of friendship as, most guys and gals hide their negative qualities in the early stages of a relationship, and you want to know who the person really is. Observe him in different situations if you can. Ask him about his family so that you know how he treats his mom and/or sister.

[asking]

Thanks for the feedback. I have asked about his family and have some mixed feelings. His mother was sick for many years and died when he was in his 20s. He has a father and two brothers. It seems like they are not that close.

He is close to his daughter who is 22 and he seems like a really good parent from what I can tell.

I think it might be better to meet him and get a sense of him in person rather than draw out a long distance friendship if there's something wrong when we actually meet. Is that unromantic? I can get a roundtrip flight for $130.

It's really easy for people to seem too good to be true at first or to sweep you off your feet. I've learned that here.

[jaime90]

Everyone is "nice" at the beginning of a relationship. Show a little patience and he will show his true colors. Like I said, it could take months or years. Trust plays a big part. The more trust you gain, the more you will become honest with each other. It may be a good idea to meet him. Long distance relationships can work, but not for everybody. Go on a casual date, and see where things go.

[HistorianChick]

I think it's a very romantic ideal to meet someone from hundreds of miles away and find that he may be someone that you could end up falling in love with. It used to happen years ago... when people actually communicated via letters and the postal service. It can happen... and it's very romantic!

I agree with your clear thinking that it's better to find out if you're compatible at the beginning of this "something" than waste the time getting to know each other over the distance and find out that you're not compatible.

That being said, I think you may want to make it a girls trip or something. Not that you'd have to have a chaperone, but that someone would be there if you needed it. It's kind of scary flying to see someone that you (honestly) are taking at face value.

Or, if you choose not to bring a girlfriend along, make sure that someone has your itinerary/hotel arrangements/etc before you go.

[jaime90]

Good idea. Bring a couple girls along for support! It will take the pressure off you to come up with conversations out of thin air, and will probably relieve some of the awkwardness that there may be.

[asking]

Thanks! This is exactly what I have been thinking. Even though he seems really nice on the phone, I just don't feel comfortable showing up alone in a strange city. To be honest, I'm getting cold feet.

I've been out of town for a few days and without internet (not in Denver).

So there have been some odd things and I don't know if they are red flags or not, but I'm starting to think they are. Here's one:

He has been really infatuated with me and we have talked every night which I am really enjoying. Two days ago he said he was taking his profile down from the dating site where we met. I obviously don't mind that. He also said he had been corresponding with several women and he told them he was not available now. Okay. BUT he said he had a preexisting date with someone he has never met for Friday (tomorrow) and he says the honorable thing to do is to meet her and tell her the situation. He brought it up, so I suggested he just tell her he is pursuing another relationship, but he said no. He has to meet with her.

I'm baffled by this. He is eagerly encouraging me to come visit, has offered to fly out here, has told me he Loves me (which just seems weird since we've never met! ), but he says he would be a terrible thing to email this woman and cancel their date. He equated that to "standing her up." He says he likes to do the right thing and this is very important to him

So why does a man need to meet a woman he's never met in order to tell her he cannot date her? :confused: Am I missing something? Over analyzing?

What do you guys think?

[jaime90]

The guy could at least consider your opinion on the matter... it does seem like he's rushing. You really can't love (commitment, trust, the whole bag of chips) without truly knowing a person. Personally, I would be thinking the same thing you are thinking! If a guy I was interested in set up, and KEPT a date the day before he was supposed to go on a date with me, I would, honestly, not even bother. The guy is trying to make you feel great by telling you that he is in love and you are the only one he is seeing, but he isn't willing to give up a date with a woman who SHOULDN'T (by the way he's talking to you) stand a chance with him! This is a weird situation. You've already seen some red flags and you haven't met the guy yet. This one's up to you!

[Alty]

Hi Asking.

It's late and I'm tired so I have to admit that I didn't read all the other posts.

I have a few things to add. Starby (Starbuck8) and I were very good friends, talked on the phone every night, met on this site, never met in person.

Sneezy and I talk every day, met on this site, never met in person. He's a very good friend.

There are more.

In other words, give it a chance. Yes, the distance is a problem, but if you're enjoying the company, the talks, the flirting, then go for it.

You only live once. :)

[artlady]

I think you have to know if you have good instincts about people and if you trust yourself ,then let it progress on a natural basis.

I would not be exclusive at this point.

Its always good to keep your options open.

If you are interested in meeting like minded people in your immediate area ,here is a good link for you.

It's a cool site,not a dating site but a place to get together with people and do community activities,hobbies,all kinds of cool things.

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com