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talaniman · Jan 30, 2011, 07:37 AM

If talking to this married man makes you miserable, why keep doing it? There is no hope for love or romance, and he is talking to you behind his wife's back. What can be gained by keeping him in your life period?

You are the one who is miserable and he is not, so what is it you want from him now?

broken_ heart · Jan 30, 2011, 10:08 AM

You are right Tal.. I don't need anything from him... when I started talking to him... nothing was in my mind, I was sure that I am over this person.. and talking to him will not effect me in any way... but I was wrong... I am feeling really bad... its like the strength I gained in so many months has started to vanish all of sudden... I have understood now that I can't be his friend at any stage of life... no matter how strong I feel I have become... I will always be weak when it comes to him... I still feel bad with his wife's presence in his life.. and I am in fix now.. how to convey this to him... that I don't want to continue with this friendship... especially when he doesn't say anything bad in this period... he will surely ask so many questions...
Tal.. one question was coming to mind when I started feeling like this... and I didn't get any answer... I am sure you can help me with it... Tal.. I loved this man more than anything.. and whatever happened you know all... he was the one who left me... the reasons I still don't know... thats fine.. but he wanted me back as his friend... I refused for long... now what he thinks of me... of our relation... I mean no one hide his/her friends with his partner... am I right here... and if he sees me just as a friend as he behaves and says then why he is hiding this friendship from his wife... Am I on the way of becoming what he wanted me to be earlier... his mistress?? I hate this... I won't be able to handle this kind of insult... I cant...
Please throw some light on this issue... is it only a thought of my mind... or it could be the fact from his side...

Stringer · Jan 30, 2011, 10:15 AM

Hi Broken,

I can see no other reason that sex driving his motives, no matter what else he says.

Please just cut it off with him, the past is the past can't be changed only today and tomorrow hold change.

Stringer

talaniman · Jan 30, 2011, 10:20 AM

I don't know what's on his mind, but I do know that people use the friend thing to keep people close to them for their own purpose. It would be up to you to stay out of situations that can harmful to you. That's the focus, no matter what his motives are.

It's a red flag when a married man keeps secret contact with a female. I would think if everything was straight honest, and above board, he wouldn't be sneaking around behind her back. If you feel used, you probably are.

vanheart · Jan 30, 2011, 06:07 PM

The sooner you let him be. The sooner you can leave this behind you.

Forget the notion of getting some kind of answers why. That's a fools game.

Never contact him again. And if he tries, don't respond.

Hes made his decision. Now you make yours. To move on. That will give you closure.

And the strength to be happy again. Trust me.

asking · Feb 1, 2011, 11:47 PM

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

Am i on the way of becoming what he wanted me to be earlier...his mistress???

Absolutely, yes. You are lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

I'm going to be a bit harsh, because this has been going on so long.
Why you take this guy's calls is beyond me.

He cheated on you; he dumped you for someone else; and now he wants to be "friends" with benefits, whenever he can talk you into bestowing those bennies.

If you cannot resist him, you may as well go camp out on his wife's doorstep and bring all the drama to a head.Otherwise, you are just going to be writing the same letters about the same thing 25 years from now. You will have wasted your whole life on this guy.

If you don't have enough self respect and sense of self preservation to just walk away, and if you really want to end this, call his wife and tell her what he calls you all the time and won't stop. I am betting he'll stop calling you because he'll be so angry with you for spoiling his fun.

broken_ heart · Feb 3, 2011, 01:15 AM

I questioned him why hides me from his wife.. to which he replied his wife knows about me a little.. only that I am a friend of his... nothing more.. but still he doesn't want to talk to me in front of his wife because he don't want his wife to know what relation we actually had in past... and he doesn't want any kind of mess... and he sees me as a good friend of his and nothing more... I am bit of confused now... coz whenever I listen to all of you... I am fully convinced with what all you say... but he says and behaves exactly opposite... and now the recent one I got job and my office is located adjacent to his office building... door by door you can say... I have told him that I am not comfortable in meeting him... to which he said take your time... he said he feels that I am still having feelings for him.. which he says is not good and I should come out of those feelings and if needed he will help me in this... now how can help me in this... when we were on NC... he tried almost everything to break that... and now when we are talking he is saying all this...
Earlier he used to say in clear words that he wants me in his life as his girl along with his wife... but his words have been changed now... he haven't said anything wrong till date... but I don't want to get trapped in anything... I am not experienced in the world of romance.. this guy was the first one in my life... and I am very bad in judging people too...
I know I don't have any future with this guy... and I don't want to get involved with him again... which I cleared him too... he behaves so innocently that it becomes difficult for me to be harsh to him... I know its been a very long time... and I am still stuck up in all this... I want a good future too.. a respectable life... but I am not getting the way to deal with him...

Stringer · Feb 3, 2011, 07:11 AM

Tell him that it is over.

talaniman · Feb 3, 2011, 10:43 AM

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Stringer again.

Harshness warning

Do NC properly!! What part of no future with a married man is it you don't understand? What part of NC is it you don't get? You are so confused when he talks to you, SO STOP TALKING TO HIM, DUH!!

This is about you dealing with your own feelings in a mature way, and that's what NC is about! That's how you heal, grow, and learn, for your own good, NOT HIS! Screw him. (oops, bad choice of words) He is but keeping you confused as he grooms you to be his long term chick on the side, that's what he will help you with, accepting to service him when he needs to be serviced.

End of rant

broken_ heart · Feb 5, 2011, 11:57 AM

I met him yesterday... we talked to each other for 5 minutes.. he said he wants to meet me again... after few hours I gave him call and he behaved so strange.. like he was avoiding me.. and he was out alone... I understand there is no future.. and here I don't want to lie you all... when I met him for a minute I felt the same I used to feel before.. and I am actually feeling good... I couldn't sleep the entire night... that 5 minutes I spent with him was flashing in my eyes... earlier I was scared of him... but now I am not... I was happy to see him after a very long time... I know it can have very bad consequences... but I couldn't resist him... its all becoming complicated now... I am stuck between right and wrong... I don't want to be someone for his fun like you all said and at the same time , I want to meet him again... but only talking to him would mean something else.. I am feeling good without any reason... can't we be in touch just as friends... or NC would be better option for both of us... may be I am not able to see what everyone can... my heart is getting out of control... I want to see him again and again but I am trying to control this... my heart is saying one thing and mind is saying another...

vanheart · Feb 5, 2011, 12:18 PM

That's why sticking with NC works.

Removes all of that flip-flopping, heartache & false hopes.

The more you play this game, the more hurt you will be.

Start now.

Stringer · Feb 5, 2011, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

I met him yesterday...we talked to each other for 5 minutes..he said he wants to meet me again...after few hours i gave him call and he behaved so strange..like he was avoiding me..and he was out alone... i understand there is no future.. and here i dont want to lie you all...when i met him for a minute i felt the same i used to feel before.. and i am actually feeling good...i couldnt sleep the entire night...that 5 minutes i spent with him was flashing in my eyes... earlier i was scared of him...but now i am not...i was happy to see him after a very long time...i know it can have very bad consequences...but i couldnt resist him... its all becoming complicated now...i am stuck between right and wrong...i dont want to be someone for his fun like u all said and at the same time , i want to meet him again.... but only talking to him would mean something else.. i am feeling good without any reason...cant we be in touch just as friends...or NC would be better option for both of us...may be i am not able to see what everyone can...my heart is getting out of control...i want to see him again and again but i am trying to control this...my heart is saying one thing and mind is saying another...

Absolutely NC. Your mind is trying to help you out of all this... listen up!

talaniman · Feb 5, 2011, 07:02 PM

Your heart is leading you down the path of misery, and utter stupidity, and your brain is trying to tell your heart to shut the hell up. Its up to you to choose which one you listen to.

Break all the contact until you know because, you keep with these little friendly feel good meetings, you know darn well your common sense will go out the window, and he will use you, and you will be very miserable again.

vanheart · Feb 5, 2011, 07:38 PM

You are forgetting the fact he's with someone else and wants to marry her. And had her before you broke up.

You being his friend is just gravy for him.

Why wouldn't he want to be your friend. You are falling all over him.

Get some self-respect. You don't want him as a friend. You want him back.

Isn't going to happen. Read back through your thread. Hes using you. And you continue to let it happen.

Stop now. You are the one that's creating your own hurt.

NC. The only way.

Stringer · Feb 5, 2011, 08:03 PM

Choices, you have two that only you can make, not us for you, plain and simple I believe;

A. Continue doing what you are doing, enjoy the 'moments', enjoy what you feel are the 'benefits' that you will possibly have for the short run. And it will be the short run because I can guarantee you that his fiancee/wife WILL find out about you and the truth. And the problems that you have now will be nothing compared to what is going to be coming your way.

All our advice means nothing if you decide to coast along hoping for the best. Only you can be mature enough to step back and see what you are doing to yourself. Because he really isn't doing this against your will, you are the one that is letting him do it. Have you ever heard the term intrinsic fortitude?

B. Simple, first make the decision that you are a better person than this and more than a spare bed partner (sorry, but true) for him whenever he wants you.

Do you think that you are the first to ever go through this? You know you aren't. And if you were not involved in this, what advice would you give to someone being used like this?

Stop now, yep right now, take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are a better person than this. Your mom didn't raise an idiot.

Good luck,

Stringer

broken_ heart · Feb 5, 2011, 09:52 PM

I will try to go for NC again.. but what I will say if he ask what problem I have now when I was OK with it a day ago... and another thing even if I don't talk to him.. he will be there in front of me.. coz of our office location... or should I convey it to him as well that its going to be a trouble for both us in the long run and we can't be friends.. going for NC at this time is going to be very much difficult for me personally.. I maintained it earlier with lots of effort and again I am there from where I started... he didn't say anything wrong yet.. I told you how I felt but really I don't know what exactly is going on in him... he do said that he is ready to meet up again and will make plans (ofcourse hiding from his wife).. he told me he was out of his mind when he took his marriage decision.. he loved me that time.. and at the same time that he don't have any regrets on his decision.. he is happy with his life.. but he misses me lots... I stopped him right there saying I don't want to get into those things again... and I found him somewhat distant after the meet.. may be he is also thinking the same that its not going to work or whatever..
I will try what you all are saying.. and keep you posted

vanheart · Feb 5, 2011, 10:00 PM

Stringer's right.

Don't be scared of facing the fact that its done. Not really sure what you see in this guy. He left you for another. What you had is way over.

You are grieving enough by allowing this false hope to continue. When are you going to be done crying over him? And start living again. Learn your lesson on who to really care about. The ones that don't screw you over.

Talking to him was a big mistake. Right before your last post. Get it?

Im pullin' for you. Who's In?

vanheart · Feb 5, 2011, 10:13 PM

"(ofcourse hiding from his wife)"

Need we say more?

asking · Feb 6, 2011, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

I questioned him why hides me from his wife..

Why bother asking? You know why. He doesn't want you on her radar screen before he's done with you.

And you, for your part, are lusting after a married man. The feelings you described elsewhere are lust, not love and not "friendship."
You are kidding yourself.

and he doesn't want any kind of mess...

In fact, a mess is exactly what he wants. He'll use you to hurt his wife. And you are cooperating. Maybe you want to hurt her too? Revenge on her because he chose her?

and he sees me as a good friend of his and nothing more...

I seriously doubt that this is true.

to which he said take your time... he said he feels that I am still having feelings for him.. which he says is not good and I should come out of those feelings and if needed he will help me in this... now how can help me in this... when we were on NC... he tried almost everything to break that... and now when we are talking he is saying all this...

He shows no respect for your asking him to leave you alone. He has no respect for you or for his wife. He cannot "help" you with anything. He can only make you miserable.

Earlier he used to say in clear words that he wants me in his life as his girl along with his wife... but his words have been changed now...

Because those words didn't get him what he wanted. So now he's trying different words. He'll say whatever he needs to say to keep you close, so he can get you into bed, sooner or later.

he haven't said anything wrong till date...

EVERYTHING he says is wrong!

but I don't want to get trapped in anything... I am not experienced in the world of romance.. this guy was the first one in my life... and I am very bad in judging people too...

I think you know better than you let on what is happening. I think you are blinded by lust.

broken_ heart · Feb 7, 2011, 08:47 AM

I am understanding what all you want to say... and as I said I will try to go on NC again... yes I do want to talk to him more.. want to see him again... but I had no idea that it will be callled as lust...