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    anony12321's Avatar
    anony12321 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 1, 2010, 09:06 PM
    Boy meets girl. Boy falls for her. Girl has boyfriend. Boy is lost.
    Hi all. Thanks for being here.

    I will try to explain my situation briefly. Hope you have the time to read and reply.

    I'm 23, virgin and never have kissed a girl. Been to worried about my professional life until now.
    Three months ago I've met a beautiful girl at university (project partner) witch I've started to like and did she. As good friends. She told me from the start she has a boyfriend (4 year relationship) that is one another country studying. Until a month ago we've spent many time together. We talked all the time, from morning to late hours. For a moment, I had no friends, she had no friends. I think we had an instant friendship. A month ago, maybe two weeks before the boyfriend arrived, I confessed that I see this relationship going to higher unknown grounds. She assured me that I was only a friend, and she was madly in-love for her BF. But because the BF chooses to study overseas, and she doesn't want to spend another year on a remote relationship, she has doubts about breaking-up with him.
    Two weeks ago two major things happen: I tell her that I don't want to just be friends. Simply can't refrain myself to that relationship. And the boyfriend arrives. We decide I should distance myself. We go to spend our Christmas and new years apart, to each city. She complains to me about his behavior, that he doesn't see her much, goes on trips, sailing, friends, family, and almost no time together. I distance myself even more, because I can't stand see her being so taken for granted.

    I'm certainly weak from the heart. No experience at all. I make mistakes everyday. I tell her that I like her and stuff like this. I shouldn't, but I do it. I would say that my only weakness, being too open. I share all my thoughts. I also question myself if I'm not someone who fills the void the BF is not filling (someone who cares).

    She is someone who cares a lot for me. She calls my best friend to know if I'm not depressed about it. She keeps telling me how much she likes me. She cares a lot for her "special friend". Something I'm not actually used to. She has said stuff like "we have something and I don't know the name of it". On the other end, she has told me some phrases like "even if I broke up with him, we being together would be something unlikely".

    My question is basically, what to do?

    I can do what I've been trying to do: keep talking to her, being the friend she wants me to be. Try to find new girls who I can start to care about, while my brain keeps a small portion always on her. I'm very afraid nothing I do will get her out of my head. I'm also afraid my behaviour could be affected by the thought of making her somehow jealous.

    I can do what every single advice I've seen being given said: forget and move on. I find this difficult because I would be dismissing an actual good relationship with someone who could be a good friend.

    Although I certain you couldn't be on the position to evaluate fully what her feelings are, do you think is wise for me to be patient and wait for something? Or if I should move on, what is the best scenario possible for my heart and mind?

    Thanks for caring.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Jan 1, 2010, 09:15 PM

    The best scenario is to respect her word, and drop the love, and romance idea, and just be a friend.

    If its to hard to accept, then you back away until you can.
    anony12321's Avatar
    anony12321 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jan 1, 2010, 09:22 PM

    Do you think a person can actually "drop the love/romance idea" and work back into being just friends?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jan 1, 2010, 09:57 PM

    If seeing her romantically with other guys doesn't bother you, there is a chance, but it may not be wise to try, and make yourself miserable. Jealousy would make you a lousy friend, and an unhappy person.

    She certainly expects you can handle being a friend though, doesn't she? Of course she does. Tough call guy, what will you do?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #5

    Jan 2, 2010, 12:26 AM

    It is never a good idea to think that a girl who tells you she loves her boyfriend, isn't likely to have a romantic relationship with you, even if she breaks up, will ever work.

    It is also a bad idea to be involved with a woman who is already in a relationship, recently separated, or otherwise engaged.

    What you will get is the aftermath, not a person free and clear of relationship baggage.

    Don't be the rebound guy, and fall into a temporary trap until somebody else comes along. Filling a lonely gap in someone's life as a friend is one thing, but seeing her as relationship material is another.

    It takes time to get over any relationship. Be good to yourself and not get tangled up in her mess with her boyfriend. When she is back on her feet again, if friendship is possible, and you can handle only that, then try.

    If not, better to keep your distance so you are not blinded by opportunities that will no doubt cross your path.
    anony12321's Avatar
    anony12321 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jan 2, 2010, 07:21 AM

    Jake2008, I like your answer a lot. Thanks.

    One small question: Can I keep a distance without ruining my chances with her, in the future? I'm assuming she will search for my shoulder very soon, maybe after breaking up with him. How does one deny this, without breaking what we have?
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
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    #7

    Jan 2, 2010, 07:27 AM

    She can search for a shoulder if she breaks up with him, but she told you it was unlikely the two of you would be together. She just wants to be friends, that's it. IF you aren't able to except that then you need to remove yourself from being a friend to her. Friends that's all she wants, whether she is with this guy or not.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #8

    Jan 2, 2010, 07:39 AM

    I think that you should go out and find some new friends doing the things that you enjoy doing. It seems as if your whole life revolves around this one girl.

    You are investing too much hope, and love, into something that could possibly give you no returns.

    You are a friend to her. Sure, you provide all the things that are missing due to her bf's absence.
    But I don't think that she is reciprocating with affection.

    I can imagine your frustration. It's probably like rowing a boat with a piece of rope. But this will drive you crazy if you let it.

    Somewhere out there is a girl just for you. This one is not her.

    You will be just fine.

    Good luck, and Happy New Year.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by anony12321 View Post
    Jake2008, I like your answer a lot. Thanks.

    One small question: Can I keep a distance without ruining my chances with her, in the future? I'm assuming she will search for my shoulder very soon, maybe after breaking up with him. How does one deny this, without breaking what we have?
    When she does break up with him, she will no doubt reflect on your relationship with her as well. It is better that she thinks of you in a good way; respectful and honest.

    But she really should be counting on her girlfriends to get her through this.

    You run the risk of her being vunerable and wanting to fill that horrible void when a relationship is over. She may see you as a white knight sort of thing, a rescuer, and the answer to her problems.

    You provide relief and comfort, as much and as often as she wants or needs, and she will become dependent upon you, for all the wrong reasons. It's not usually a good idea to fill that role, and then expect that it may turn into something serious with you.

    I would personally be sympathetic, but I would keep my distance. Put any romantic feelings aside and talk to her as you would talk to your sister sort of thing. Keep it as brief as possible.

    She has to heal and grow and learn to accept life without him, without having you to fall back on. You will know when she is ready to commit further, or even if she wants another relationship.

    Time is really on your side. She needs to look at you, without seeing him. Or comparing you to him, or wishing you were him. The more you step back and allow her to grieve, and get past her boyfriend, the more clarity she will have in seeing you in a different light.

    Very difficult to do I realize that. It will be hard to say no to her when she needs you. But, if she needs a shoulder to cry on, leave that for other people that do not have a vested interest.

    Try your best not to be the fall back guy, or rebound guy. Stand firm, and give her the space and time she needs to take care of her own business.
    A4Effort's Avatar
    A4Effort Posts: 486, Reputation: 35
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    #10

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:13 AM

    "even if I broke up with him, we being together would be something unlikely".

    "She told me from the start she has a boyfriend (4 year relationship) that is one another country studying."


    "She assured me that I was only a friend, and she was madly in-love for her BF."


    You do not know for sure if she will break up. They might be hitting a rough spot. But even if they do break up it will take her many months or even years to get over the relationship. Make sure if she does break up that you do not become her rebound. I would respect what she has told you. If you cannot stay friends with her than keep your distance as she works through this. Do not force anything and continue living your life. Good luck!
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:27 AM

    There is no chance with her as long as she has a boyfriend, you need to start dating, several other people,

    Make a plan, and work it, start asking a lot of other women out that you meet or know, online dating, does not matter, and start living life, and stop talking about it
    anony12321's Avatar
    anony12321 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jan 2, 2010, 11:11 AM

    You guys are simply awesome. Just what I needed to hear. Thank you.
    Please keep doing this.

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