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Enigma1999 · Dec 28, 2009, 05:03 PM

Okay...
Hello all, I have been a member for a few months now, and have grown to like everyone one here.. I usually help those who need it when it comes to relationships. I'de like to think that I give pretty good advice, however, I am now on here to seek knowledge. So with that being said here goes...

I am a 32 year old recently divorced Mother of two. I am now in a new relationship with a 37 year old man, who is also divorced with two children. He and I have known each other for three years now where I met him at work. We were both married at the time in which we would all hang out as couples. Then as time had passed we slipped out of each others lives. Then about a year ago, He (Mark) had called me up telling me that he had gotten a divorce. We still kept in contact with each other, as friends. Time had passed and my Husband and I weren't doing so well. So, we ended up getting sepperated, which, by the way was the best thing that has happened, sad to say.

I then started getting together with Mark on a regular basis with the kids, which by the way are the same age. We were setting up play dates with our children about three days a week. Over this time I had developed strong feelings for him. So one day, when it was just the two of us (no kids around) I made a move on him, by kissing him. I took a chance, I just had to know how he felt. It turned out that he too really likes me. So then we started dating. He was/is a complete gentelman!

Also, just to back track a little, my husband was my first, and that will have meaning to my story.

Any way, so after seeing each other and everything going great for a few months, I had decided to make love to him. It was great... However, I cried afterwards. Hmmmm Everything is still great, BUT, I ave this guard up that I can't break down and I am afraid of blowing this opportunity!

So, I have a question for the Ladies and I have a question for the men...

For the Ladies: Have you had a previous relationship that ended in divorce, then started dating another man in which you had sex with, where you felt this guilt afterwards?

For the men: Have you ever had sex with a girl who has cried afterwards? Also, have you dated a woman previously married/divorced where you felt as if there was a wall up? If so, how did you cope with that?

Thank you all so much, any advice would help..

jaime90 · Dec 28, 2009, 08:01 PM

To answer your question to the ladies- no. Also, why don't you take a step back and make sure that this guy isn't just "charming" you. And make sure this isn't the rebound.

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 08:05 PM

Is this guilt because you've still got feelings left for your husband? Maybe you haven't healed from the divorce yet?

jaime90 · Dec 28, 2009, 08:07 PM

amicon- those are my thoughts. I don't want Enigma to be in a relationship that is just playing with her feelings, and giving her security, as oppose to a lasting, serious relationship. The last thing I want (and the last thing I'm sure, she wants) is for this to end in heartbreak. I'm wondering if this is a rebound or not.

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 08:13 PM

We'll see what she has to add to the story when she comes back. I'm sure she will.

ohsohappy · Dec 28, 2009, 08:16 PM

I cried once, but it was because I was happy because it felt so special.

Maybe you just weren't ready? =/

jmjoseph · Dec 28, 2009, 08:17 PM

Yes, I have had divorced women cry after sex. It takes a while to understand WHY, but I understood all the same. It's not really about us, is it? As far as the wall, because I was serious about these women(2), I chipped away at it, and tried to help them through it. It worked, and we had relationships(one several months long, the other three years).

I'm sure that this guy will understand, and will help you work through it. As long as you let him know that it's not about HIM. It's about you, and your marriage that didn't work out as planned. But you need to understand this one thing. That it's OK to move on, and enjoy this relationship that very well may be THE ONE.

Talk, talk, talk.

I applaud you for making the first move. That's cool in my book.

You are crying because you are a good person who has a tender heart.

I wish you the very best.

asking · Dec 28, 2009, 08:32 PM

Can't give Joseph another greenie, but agree that was a great, very kind response.

I have cried after sex once in a while. I think different reasons at different times. When you are holding in a lot of emotion, it can come pouring out that way sometimes. I wouldn't say it as either good or bad. It's certainly not a sign you are doing anything wrong.

Enigma1999 · Dec 28, 2009, 08:49 PM

First off thank you everyone for the advice.

Jamie90: I have thought about that... I am afraid that he might be trying to "charm" me. While we were making love, he whispered in my ear, "I have liked you for three years!" So, I'm not sure.. It sounded so genuin. Again, I am afraid, but, I guess I will never know unless I try.

Amicom: No, I don't have any feelings left for my exhusband. I will always cherish the good times we had together, and he is the father of my children, but no. I would hope that Mark isn't a rebound.. The thought of hurting someone isn't in my nature. I do understand that this is all happening so fast. I almost feel as if it is beyond my control. These feelings I can't help.

Jmjoshep: Your last words touched me, so thank you. I feel as if I cried, not because of my ex, but I think because I was 25 when I lost my virginity to my exhusband, and he is all that I know. So making love to someone new, I feel/felt as if I should be married when I do it again. Not sure if that's it though. I have no regrets about what we did. The thing about me is that I don't just have sex for the sake of sex, I need to feel that passion and to be senual. There is is mind and heart involved. Maybe that's also why I am scared.

I am confused and not a "pro" at this. Maybe this will work out, maybe not. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe not... He seems to be a sweet man, he could just be using me. I guess time will tell. It's good to hear what others have encounterd in their previous/current relationships. If you read my profile, it states that I'm strong and will never let anyone have the upper hand. Lol Maybe I'm slipping.. Do I take control of this car, or do I just close my eyes and let go!?

ohsohappy · Dec 28, 2009, 08:58 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

First off thankyou everyone for the advice.

Jamie90: I have thought about that... I am afraid that he might be trying to "charm" me. While we were making love, he whispered in my ear, "I have liked you for three years!" So, I'm not sure.. It sounded so genuin. Again, I am afraid, but, I guess I will never know unless I try.

Amicom: No, I don't have any feelings left for my exhusband. I will always cherish the good times we had together, and he is the father of my children, but no. I would hope that Mark isn't a rebound.. The thought of hurting someone isn't in my nature. I do understand that this is all happening so fast. I almost feel as if it is beyond my control. These feelings I can't help.

Jmjoshep: Your last words touched me, so thankyou. I feel as if I cried, not because of my ex, but I think because I was 25 when I lost my virginity to my exhusband, and he is all that I know. So making love to someone new, I feel/felt as if I should be married when I do it again. Not sure if that's it though. I have no regrets about what we did. The thing about me is that I don't just have sex for the sake of sex, I need to feel that passion and to be senual. There is is mind and heart involved. Maybe that's also why I am scared.

I am confused and not a "pro" at this. Maybe this will work out, maybe not. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe not...He seems to be a sweet man, he could just be using me. I guess time will tell. It's good to hear what others have encounterd in their previous/current relationships. If you read my profile, it states that I'm strong and will never let anyone have the upper hand. lol Maybe I'm slipping.. Do I take control of this car, or do I just close my eyes and let go!?!

If you feel that maybe you're taking things a bit too fast, then maybe talk to Mark about it. Explain to him how you felt about it, and discuss whether you'd be willing to again at this point, or if you'd rather for a while if you want to do it again.
I agree with jm, make sure there's communication. You don't have to be a "pro" at anything, you just have to figure out exactly what your feelings are about where you are in your relationship.
If he really is genuine, then no matter what your decision is (even if it's "take it slow") then he will be respectful and cooperate with you.
Give the relationship time to mature more, if that is your wish, and see what comes of your feelings.
Just make sure you give yourself enough time to figure out if you really want to commit to it. There's no rush. There are also kids to consider (which I'm sure you do) so you have plenty of time.
Just be conscious of your feelings and discuss them with him, because he is involved too, and it's only fair that he knows where you are at, just like you would like to know for sure where he is at with this whole thing.
I can't stress it enough, there's NO RUSH. Take it slow. :)
Good luck!

jmjoseph · Dec 28, 2009, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

First off thankyou everyone for the advice.

Jamie90: I have thought about that... I am afraid that he might be trying to "charm" me. While we were making love, he whispered in my ear, "I have liked you for three years!" So, I'm not sure.. It sounded so genuin. Again, I am afraid, but, I guess I will never know unless I try.

Amicom: No, I don't have any feelings left for my exhusband. I will always cherish the good times we had together, and he is the father of my children, but no. I would hope that Mark isn't a rebound.. The thought of hurting someone isn't in my nature. I do understand that this is all happening so fast. I almost feel as if it is beyond my control. These feelings I can't help.

Jmjoshep: Your last words touched me, so thankyou. I feel as if I cried, not because of my ex, but I think because I was 25 when I lost my virginity to my exhusband, and he is all that I know. So making love to someone new, I feel/felt as if I should be married when I do it again. Not sure if that's it though. I have no regrets about what we did. The thing about me is that I don't just have sex for the sake of sex, I need to feel that passion and to be senual. There is is mind and heart involved. Maybe that's also why I am scared.

I am confused and not a "pro" at this. Maybe this will work out, maybe not. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe not...He seems to be a sweet man, he could just be using me. I guess time will tell. It's good to hear what others have encounterd in their previous/current relationships. If you read my profile, it states that I'm strong and will never let anyone have the upper hand. lol Maybe I'm slipping.. Do I take control of this car, or do I just close my eyes and let go!?!

Naturally, we don't know this guy, or his intentions, but my money is on him being genuine, and NOT a player who playing YOU.

We all know that your children are your first priority, and you want what's best for them. BUT you have to move on, and in doing so, you will most likely be having sex out of wedlock. So what? You are an adult, so get past THAT.

As far as you wanting to know where the car is going, you need to watch the road, yes. But who says you can't go for an unplanned trip? Just enjoy yourself, and just let it flow. Go for a ride with no destination in mind. As long as this guy is treating you with respect, and total consideration, have fun in his company, and see what happens.

You just be happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

God bless you.

Enigma1999 · Dec 28, 2009, 09:59 PM

Hello again and thank you,

Ohsohappy: I have mentioned to Mark that we should take it slow. He says that he is fine either way. He also said, "Give me a chance to prove you wrong, I dare you!!!!" So when he says things like that, it does show that he wants to invest in this relationship with me. Also, he is in it for the long run. He and I both have our children 5 days out of the week, so naturally, they are our top priority. That is one of the things that attracted me to him, was the fact that he loves his kids so much.. Also, he has never pressured me into anything. He said once I was ready to move forward, that's fine by him.. It was I again who took control of the situation and initiated sex.

Jmjoseph: Very good analogy, and I see where you are coming from. I will try to work on my walls.

He has also mentioned that he is afraid that he is just a rebound, so I know his guard is up as well. I told him the same thing he has once told me, "Give me a chance to prove you wrong, I dare you!!!"

talaniman · Dec 29, 2009, 10:57 AM

If you read my profile, it states that I'm strong and will never let anyone have the upper hand. Lol Maybe I'm slipping.. Do I take control of this car, or do I just close my eyes and let go!?

Keep your eyes open, so you can enjoy the trip, and see where your going, but keep your speed under control, and make everyone wear seat belts. When you get tired, let him drive.

When the journey is over, you can decide together if you want to go on another one. Enjoy this one first.

Safe journey.

Enigma1999 · Dec 29, 2009, 11:20 AM

Thank you T,

I have decided to take a step back and let him pursue me... Is that wrong? I am just so sick and tired of always needing/wanting control! I grow tired of it. I want to think that he can empathize with me considering he went through a rough divorce! Even now his ex isn't very nice to him, although I stay out of that!

I guess I am so bothered by this because it was unexpected and a little too fast for me. I wish I had all the answers, then I wouldn't have to ask for peoples advice.

The biggest concern was the whole guilty feeling afterwards and the crying. Also how he would feel as a man seeing this from me. Hmmm

I do have another silly question though.. How long do people usually date before they make more of a commitment? I know people are going to answer as, " When you feel comfortable" and I understand that... I just feel now that he and I have shared each other, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, so to say... ha!

talaniman · Dec 29, 2009, 11:39 AM

Talaniman Relationship Timetable

First date- 6 months. Non exclusive dating having fun hanging out to get to know each other-NO SEX.

6- to a year- Set boundaries, and work on rules of exclusive dating, Extensive talk of expectations and future goals. You probably can't hold back the lust anymore, but living together is OUT!!

After year one- honest evaluation, and airing any concerns, bitcis and general unhappiness. You should know if there is trust, and communications, by now. The lust should be wearing off, and the honeymoon should be about over. Now its serious, as the work will begin if there is anything besides lust, and you should also know them, and not just the good side they show.

Second year- Make it, or break it. Foolish chit chat gives way to practical reasoning. Decisions based on fact, and not just feelings, are upon you, and this is where the future, and the present meet, and honesty is the key here, as moving in together is what you want, but is it right? Talk a lot before you jump, because this is a life changing event, and you better be ready.

Please note, add a few months if either of you has kids, or baby mamas/daddy's.

Note also- freshly divorced people add 6 months to a year, as it takes a couple of years to get really settled after a divorce.

Enigma1999 · Dec 29, 2009, 12:05 PM

Hello again T,

That was very informative... ty. After I read your first sentence, I started to laugh a little, not because I find it comical, but because I am doing it wrong...

According to what your timetable indicated, 6 months of dating with no sex? In that case, I went about it the wrong way.. As a man, how would you deal will that, especially being in your 30's?

jmjoseph · Dec 29, 2009, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello again T,

That was very informative... ty. After I read your first sentence, I started to laugh a little, not because I find it comical, but because I am doing it wrong...

According to what your timetable indicated, 6 months of dating with no sex?? In that case, I went about it the wrong way.. As a man, how would you deal will that, especially being in your 30's?

Tal, that was great, and I've got to spead the rep, but enigma, I NEVER dated someone for six months without doing the "deed". Of course I had a sex addiction too. But I was always respectful to the ladies that I did date.

As far as playing prey, I wouldn't. Just be yourself, and have a good time with this guy.

There are no guarantees in love. Only hope and understanding.

This guy is good with his kids, and that's HUGE. He's already got points in my book for that.

Just take it slow, and don't ruin it by over-evaluating things.

Happy New Year!

talaniman · Dec 29, 2009, 12:19 PM

I was married in my 30's, but as a younger fellow, I learned that sex makes things a lot sweeter than they really are. Things do get complicated, and most of us humans can't wait 6 months to have sex. Hence the non exclusive dating.* Yeah they thought I was a player, but staying unattached is the goal, until you know what your dealing with.

*non exclusive dating. Good clean adult fun. Friends sharing a great time.

I find it comical, but because I am doing it wrong...

Not wrong, but your way. You will make the right adjustments for yourself if you don't get carried away.

Confession- I have been dumped a lot, and I do mean a lot, so I am an expert (at getting dumped :D). But I had big fun while it lasted :).

Enigma1999 · Dec 29, 2009, 12:56 PM

Hello again and thank you,

Jm: You're correct... I shouldn't over-analyze every little thing, as that might start to turn him off, not my intentions.. He is great with not only his kids, but mine. That too, is cool in my book! :)

Talaniman: Thank you for sharing your past experiences with me.. In the short period that I have been a member and have read your previous posts, I don't think I have seen you say that, so thank you! Being dumped sux, Im sure ! I am glad you can see the brighter side to it.. I, however, have not been dumped. NOT, because I am all that, I'M NOT, I am just afraid to put myself out there and of rejection. So, I have never really allowd anyone of that opportunity to do so.

I really appreciate all of this you guys. I love hearing from the ladies too. I do also love hearing from the men. I am not a man, and it's really hard to understand how men think, so this is really helpful..

spitvenom · Dec 29, 2009, 01:16 PM

When my wife and I were dating the first time we had sex she cried. I have to admit it threw me off but she said no one has ever made her feel like that. To be honest we have a very deep, passionate and open relationship. And by open I mean I know I can say anything to her with out being judged or her taking it the wrong way or me taking something she said the wrong way. Good for you it is a rare thing I am told.