[Slaymor]

Man I have to say I wish I would have found this site earlier. From the beginning. My ex and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. I am in the military and she is full time nursing student. We are about 5 hours away and see each other 2-3 weekends a month. I am 24 and she is just about 21. I have not been deployed since we started dating. We have both had our share of relationships and broken hearts in the past. I have never been with a woman that I am so in love with. Our relationship has been close to perfect during this entire time. I now realise that I have been to available to her, by reading posts. We talk everyday over the phone and always say goodnight. I have a very stressful family problem. My parents split a few months ago after 20 years. Dad's become addicted to pills and spends all his money on drugs. My and my little sis have been supporting his mortgage payment for a little while now. Mom after 4 months is now getting remarried. I, having to deal with this and the stress in the military, is hard, but I manage. Kathy has so much stress in nursing school that she doesn't have time for a relationship anymore. Lately I've been worried about her. She spends her days and weekends studying and doing work. She gets maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Anyway... we haven't been talking a lot on the phone lately and she says she doesn't have time to because of school. I stressed the issue that I miss talking to her probably a little to hard, we've never had a fight though. 2 weeks ago she wanted "a few days" of space to think about everything and concentrate. I gave her, her space and didn't contact her, but it killed me. This was my mistake I believe. Her brother is my closest friend. I talked to him about everything and the trouble I was having. He, of course, has a big mouth and let his parents know. Her mother called her all the time trying to get information about what was going on and stressed the issue to call me and talk to me. Finally her mom called me and told me she just doesn't want a relationship , right now, because she can't concentrate on school and she was scared to tell me that. I finally contacted her, again wish I had read some of these posts earlier, and talked to her. I explained that she wanted a few days and it's been a couple of weeks and just wanted to make sure everything was OK. She says she loves me and just doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now, with school and she feels like she can't give me what I want because she is always too busy. She says she still wants to be friends, talk, and hang out and loves me so much. You think space could bring us closer? Our relationship was unbelievable. I could never ask for a better one. Her family kind of adopted me and they all love me so much. It sucks not knowing what is going on and if space will heal us. I would wait forever, but don't want to wait if it's too late and there's no hope. I basically got emotional for a little bit and asked if there was any particular reason for breaking up and she said no, it's just what I want right now. I didn't fight against it, just assured her that I understand what she wants and I love her so will have to let her go. I didn't go into if there was another chance later on. She still wants me to come over for Thanksgiving and Xmas, but she said it's up to me because she doesn't want to make it harder for me. Should I break contact and hope space will bring us back together or should I assume there's no hope from here and stay in contact with her as a friend. I care so much that I don't want to lose her from my life, even if that means having her as only a friend. It's hard to deal with all of this especially right before the holidays. Kathy and her family want me there for Christmas, but I have decided to not go down for Thanksgiving. Will spend it here alone. Is Christmas too soon to see her? I don't want to wait too long and lose her forever, but also don't want to talk to soon and ruin our chances. It is definitely worth waiting for, but do you think that there is hope with this? I get out of the military in 1 1/2 years and she graduates in 1 1/2 years. We were planning on a future together and everything. It's just so hard to believe that after a 2 1/2 year relationship like this, it could just be over like that, without ever knowing what exactly happened. I need advice and yes have read lots of things from various sites, but wanted to know what you though. Thank you in advice and be honest with your opinions even though they may hurt me.

[s_cianci]

Definitely give her the space she says she needs and wants. Frankly, I'd spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my own family and/or friends rather than hers. Space may bring you closer or it may not. Meanwhile, live your life without her in the picture and with the assumption that you won't get back together with her. She has a lot on her plate right now so let her be and get on with your own life. Don't let on that you need or miss her.

[PrettyLady]

Slaymor, if your posts are going to be really long, divide it into 3 paragraphs. It will be easier for members to read it and help you.

I think you should step back and give your ex-girlfriend some time to herself. Sometimes people need space in order to be clear minded in making the right decision for themselves. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then it will be necessary for you to accept that. It's going to take some time for you to heal, but you will feel better over time. Plan some activities with friends to keep yourself busy. Try to focus on activities that allow you to meet new and interesting people.

[talaniman]

I think all the advice you get will be about letting her have the space she needs. But to sit and wait in my eyes is a waste and the time could be better use to concentrate on your own life without her. The healing process will be slow and hard but must be done to bring stability and clarity to your thinking process so make the most of this time and learn to make yourself happy without her in the picture. I agree with Cianci that you should spend these holidays with YOUR family and connect with them as they have their own problems, and you will benefit being around loved ones that may need your support.

[giggles]

I feel for you, this is a confusing tale, paragraphs aside.
Essentially Kathy's mother broke up with you, which is very bizarre indeed.
I think you have a right to be totally bewildered here!
It sounds like a family intervention - the brother and the mother seem to have joined forces and forced things apart. However, it's probably wrong of me to guess what has happened here but I'm going to anyway:
I think you have chosen the wrong confidant. I think you probably scared the sh*t out of your prospective family with your own tragic family circumstances, and protective mother and brother stepped in to "save" Kathy from ending up in a messy situation.
Make this about you from now on. Yes give her space, but be aware she may not be back with you... for a while anyway.
FIND A NEW BEST FRIEND!! Don't confide in this man for the meantime. I just advise strongly against it. Keep this family out of your life for now. Just tell him, you need some time to deal with your breakup and he is a reminder, whatever. Just get him out of that privileged position.
Spend time with your family. There's a typo in your post - did you mean YOU and your sis are helping your dad out financially or someone else? As long as this is happening, he won't deal with his pill problems. The kids are playing the parent here, it's really tragic, and totally not on. I agree with the others, spend time with them this Christmas, not your ex's family. Easier said than done, but worth it in the long run for yourself.
Your ex dumps you (through her mother) out of the blue, you had a "perfect" relationship... hmmm. Im not buying that. There's more to this story. Either way, if you choose to see it that way, how in hell can you "be friends"? This girl is your lover. By you letting her have it both ways, you will never A: Get over her, and B: Have a chance of getting her back.
Tell her you need to process this, it's come as a shock and NO THANKS, you can't do the friends thing just now.
It will give you a much bigger sense of self respect.
Keep us posted how things turn out!

[talaniman]

I have to agree with giggles that you should cut contact with her family, no good comes of them being in your business. And your mom getting married after 4 months? What's that all about. Your ex being 5 hours away made this a long distance relationship which brings its own problems into play and makes for difficult relationships at best.

[Slaymor]

Giggles,
What essentially happened was Kathy's mother and brother saw how she was hurting me, by asking for space that they tried to get her to stop wanting space. They just wanted things to get back to normal. Her parents are very understanding of my family problems, which is why they have adopted me, in a sense. They were actually mad at her from distancing herself from me and I think that when she wanted to space from me that she got, her family made it worse by trying to get her to talk to me and make everything better. This is my second family and always will be that's why it's so hard to cut off complete contact with them you know. My family is all spread out, all over the US so it's hard to just choose one and go there. We really haven't had an actual real xmas or Thanksgiving for a very long time. I may just spend it here on base with friends. Yes My little sister and I have only been paying his mortgage so he doesn't loose the house. I do not give him money directly. He is trying to improve himself, but procrastinates about it. He is so depressed that he just doesn't care. The only issues in Kathy and I'd relationship is the fact that I have pushed her away. I call all the time and get sad when I can't get a hold of her. I think I was to needy and available.

[giggles]

But that's terrible for you!
Having your ex's family as a second family knits you all together. It's suffocating for your ex, and makes you more dependent on HER family. It's tough on you, your own family being so spread out, but this is still not your family. I just feel it might make it harder for you to cope with current events if you are also playing "son" role to her parents.
You have only been "needy" as you say yourself, out of habit - it seems to be encouraged. Her family should not be intruding on your relationship whether it be for your benefit or hers, it's just not their place. If they have "adopted" you in spirit, that makes you her adoptive sibling! I see what you mean about it being difficult to cut contact, (nigh on impossible really), but you still need some autonomy here. Have you no close friends or other relatives in your life you can look to for support or guidance on a day to day basis? These people seem to love you to pieces, but you may need space from all of them just for a few weeks or months.
And your poor father sounds to be in a bad place too. Can you and your sister afford to be supporting the mortgage? Is there anyone you can conctact in your country like we have Money Advice and Budgeting Service here?

Everyone in your post seems to be overly responsible for someone else, that's the overriding pattern to what you're writing. And I am not sure it's making any of you happier or better at coping. That's all.

[Slaymor]

As it is terrible. When my grand father passed away a few years back before Christmas, it devistated everyone in my family and they all just grew apart. I keep in contact, but it's hard being away from home and serving my country. I can afford it, but only with my little sisters help. The military doesn't pay that great, unfortunetly, but I make enough to support myself, Kathy, and my father.

My closest friend if Kathy's brother, Billy. We have been friends since the relationship and have grown that best friend bond. I don't keep in contact with friends from home that often because they are all off in college or in jail. Mostly I don't like putting my burdens on my friends because I know how that is. I was the one, growing up, who always said, "Not again, she's going to be moping around and talking about nothing but her breakup". It sucks, I know that.

Kathy's parents, just want her to be happy, and they saw that between us. I think the long distance thing and me constently calling her all the time and always being there when she calls made me to available, which is what I've read women hate.

My father thinks he can deal with his own problems. He does not want advice or anything like that, believe me we have tried so many times. I believe that her stressful school situation and my stressful family situation, got in the middle of us. The problem is I didn't realise it, until I lost her.

She wants to still talk and be friends, but I think she is scared to call me, thinking that she hurt me. I am cutting off contact with her, in hopes that she'll realise what we had together and would want to give it a second try. I think that everyone pressuring her into talking to me caused her to just say I just don't want a relationship right now. I think the pressure caused her to think that she can't handle that stress plus school and just wants some time to herself. If she wants to still talk and be friends and stuff, should I still talk to her, but occasionally and for short periods to seem busy? Or should I just cut the communication for awhile and then start talking, as friends, to rebuild the love and happiness we had before all the stress. I don't know how long to wait before trying to talk to her, without waiting to long and losing her. I know you guys get this all the time, she is the only one for me and I will do anything to get her back. I've heard it plenty of times before, it's just hard knowing what a great relatinoship we had for 2 1/2 years and then all of a sudden it's gone.