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View Poll Results: Everyone takes a different amount of time to recover, how long did it take you?

Voters
50. You may not vote on this poll
  • >1 month

    4 8.00%
  • 1-2 months

    6 12.00%
  • 2-3 months

    2 4.00%
  • 3-4 months

    4 8.00%
  • 4-5 months

    4 8.00%
  • 6+ months

    30 60.00%
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #1

    Dec 15, 2009, 11:31 AM
    Thread can be found here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html

    Enjoy!

    Below are comment to that thread.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #2

    Dec 15, 2009, 11:32 AM

    I think you've done a great job!
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #3

    Dec 15, 2009, 11:36 AM

    This is a great post I wish and should be a stickie.
    Thank you.
    cochabamba's Avatar
    cochabamba Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Dec 15, 2009, 12:28 PM

    It's clear, it's consoling, it's sensitive, it's great. One thought: I know everyone is different, and maybe this is an impossible question to answer, but could you give any indication how long it might take? I'm not asking for a precise figure, and there are so many depths of attachment, neediness, and so on, but how long might we be talking here, particularly in terms of getting over the hump. Is it going to get worse for weeks? Months? A year or more? Knowing what to expect might help avoid the temptation to break the rules, at least in the early days.
    FlyingViper's Avatar
    FlyingViper Posts: 10, Reputation: 8
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    #5

    Dec 15, 2009, 12:37 PM
    I have benefitted greatly from NC in the past. Just a minor addition: it should be made clear that NC is a measure of last resort.

    For example: a friend's betrayal; no matter how much it hurts, should not bring upon NC right away. People react when you take them off IM, email, Facebook etc. Although you are doing it to protect yourself, I'm not quite sure it is socially acceptable to do it. It is seen as a harsh move. I'm speaking from personal experience. NC does work, for sure but maybe the sticky could address the socially acceptable aspect of it. If I went NC every time someone infringed on my life in a threatening way then I would be known as someone who cuts people out of their life. I'm not quite sure I'm expressing this issue correctly -- but basically people should know when they're "abusing" NC so to speak.

    What do you think? Sorry if I am being unclear at all.
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #6

    Dec 15, 2009, 03:14 PM

    I thought I'd reflect:

    To me, the meaning of NC is self-admission that you aren't strong enough to face a challenge and that you have to "let 'em win" so you can have peace. If a guy knows his ex-girlfriend is going to be at a party and he knows he can't handle seeing her, he'd be wise to go somewhere else instead of trying to prove to himself and others that he's okay with the break-up. For fighters with inflated egos like me who don't like to let things die, this takes a lot of discipline to tell yourself "hey, you just can't do it; give up" and actually believe it.

    NC is how to drop a bad habit, whether it's pestering your ex-girlfriend to come back to you, losing sleep just thinking about her, smoking a pack a day, gambling your life savings... you name it, NC is the cure. Remove stimulus and the problem is gone.
    notsogreat's Avatar
    notsogreat Posts: 49, Reputation: 24
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    #7

    Dec 15, 2009, 03:27 PM

    I think this is right on! I was the dumpee and would overanalyze and overthink everything to do with the breakup. My dumper ex quickly moved on, and is getting married, but I used to wonder if he was in the rebound by him moving on so fast, but now I know that I don't care what his reasons are, we both have to and are moving on. It is still hard at times, but once I passed the worst pain of all, it has gotten easier and better. It also helps to be able to vent on this site as well. Keep them coming!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Dec 15, 2009, 06:48 PM

    I for one think when you do NC, its for you to get yourself together so you can better deal with reality, and I don't really think it matters what anyone else thinks as its me with the problem to deal with.

    The last thing on my mind when I am hurting bad is what anyone thinks about it. They can suggest and give opinions but who has to do the actual work of overcoming and dealing with my pain? I do. When you hurt do whatever you think is best, but NC is the way to go.

    Your friends, the real ones will understand and support your decision, but adversity will show you who's a real friend, and who isn't.

    The only way you abuse NC, is by breaking it as it's the best healing tool around, if your willing to work on yourself, and deal with your reality.

    Just my opinion, of course.
    zeeniee's Avatar
    zeeniee Posts: 341, Reputation: 63
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    #9

    Dec 16, 2009, 05:48 AM

    I Wish,
    A very well written post!

    NC is important as when someone is dumped- they are in so much pain and shock= cannot think at all, except for how to solve the break up.

    By going on NC- it does hit us hard- the reality really kicks in. You have no choice in the matter-- this is how life is right now and so best to deal with it. Once you digest this, you start dealing with the pain, then step by step you start ore-organising yourself and the life around you. At first you do this cos you have to-- your lost, broken, destroyed etc--however as time goes on you start to do this cos you feel it for you.
    NC helps one to achieve to that significant point. Once you get to this point, life starts to make a bit more sense, and courage for yourself then appears like magic.
    FlyingViper's Avatar
    FlyingViper Posts: 10, Reputation: 8
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    #10

    Dec 17, 2009, 04:59 PM

    Yeah I'm inclined to agree with you Tal. When push comes to shove, I got the problem, not them. If they're really my friends they'll help me get over my pain; which means they'll support NC by extension.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #11

    Dec 20, 2009, 11:48 PM
    Friends are definitely a great support system in helping you follow the no contact rules. Friends don't want to see you in pain so they will help you heal and not add to the torment.

    I also benefited from one friend who constantly reminded me that if I broke the rules, I will suffer the consequences and resetting my progress. The broken record method can be helpful too.
    zeeniee's Avatar
    zeeniee Posts: 341, Reputation: 63
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    #12

    Dec 20, 2009, 11:56 PM

    I agree- friends are the best support one can get, as they can help in many ways and make things a bit easier for you. One of my friends has a evil rule- every time a bugger up- I have to buy him a pint of beer... lol! = many beers overtime!
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #13

    Dec 22, 2009, 03:14 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    Friends are definitely a great support system in helping you follow the no contact rules. Friends don't want to see you in pain so they will help you heal and not add to the torment.

    I also benefited from one friend who constantly reminded me that if I broke the rules, I will suffer the consequences and resetting my progress. The broken record method can be helpful too.
    Friends can be great help as long as you don't use them to break NC. The friend has to understand that giving you 'reports' on the ex is NOT being helpful.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #14

    Dec 23, 2009, 07:48 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    Friends can be great help as long as you don't use them to break NC. The friend has to understand that giving you 'reports' on the ex is NOT being helpful.
    That's why I said in the last bullet of the "Alienating your ex and others around you" section that we find out who our true friends are during no contact.

    Our true friends will want to help us heal and not prolong the pain and suffering.

    Unfortunately, I have some friends who have wishful thinking and believe that patience will win the day. Patience as in, not giving up so easily (because they see no contact as a form of giving up).
    bjohnrupp's Avatar
    bjohnrupp Posts: 293, Reputation: 32
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    #15

    Dec 23, 2009, 08:53 AM

    Great thread "I wish"... you covered the no contact rule thoroughly. One question for you... I'm doing no contact again (after I broke it a few times already)... but what do you do when the dumper (my ex) keeps contacting me- even though I'm doing no contact she is still hurting me with texts like "thinking of you" or "I miss all our great times". Even when applying no contact messages like these from ex'es still sting/hurt and seem to set me (and I'm sure many others) back. Any advice?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Dec 23, 2009, 09:07 AM

    Delete, block, ignore. Those are your choices.

    Or text back, "Leave me the freak alone will ya!!!!"
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #17

    Dec 23, 2009, 09:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by bjohnrupp View Post
    what do you do when the dumper (my ex) keeps contacting me- even though I'm doing no contact she is still hurting me with texts like "thinking of you" or "I miss all our great times". Even when applying no contact messages like these from ex'es still sting/hurt and seem to set me (and I'm sure many others) back. Any advice?
    If you find that her messages are holding you back from healing properly, then don't read them. Give your phone to someone you trust to delete the message for you so that you don't have the temptation to read it.

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Delete, block, ignore. Those are your choices.

    Or text back, "Leave me the freak alone will ya!!!!"
    I would add: changing your number. Don't give her the means to communicate with you.

    By the way, check out this point of view: (I quote)
    "I think it is possible to engage in some contact with your ex and still be able to move on. It depends on the nature of the relationship, circumstances of the break-up, past, person’s own self, etc., but I do not believe we should think in such absolute terms, where one little event can destroy several month’s worth of healing. I mean, if someone is completely thrown over the edge and feels that all their progress has been reset after exchanging a short conversation with them online on MSN or something, I would be worried about this person’s emotional stability. In some cases, I think breaking NC and engaging in this type of contact might even help speed up the healing process and enable the person to appreciate the reality of the situation, because the other person’s reaction (coldness, indifference, ignoring them, etc.) could serve as a reinforcing wake-up call."
    Loss2009's Avatar
    Loss2009 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #18

    Jan 4, 2010, 06:45 AM

    As it seems to have for me (see Contact Vs No Contact thread.

    In my situ, and as a analytical person by nature, I would surmise that my NC probably brought about some realization on my ex to realise I was willing to go cold turkey to the end - I don't know. We'll see over the next few weeks, months..

    Just over two weeks old this one, so very early days..

    Loss.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    Jan 4, 2010, 06:48 AM

    "I think it is possible to engage in some contact with your ex and still be able to move on."
    Some can, usually because they have been through this before, and no what to expect, and what they need to do for themselves. But others do not. They get stuck, and never deal with the false hope thing.
    Loss2009's Avatar
    Loss2009 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    Jan 4, 2010, 07:07 AM
    In addition to the below, can I have some non-dismissive opinions on an ex who still cares, and says they genuinely want to be friends and still do things together (some suggestions on the ex's part were walks, meals, even cinema.. I agreed but only because I was clinging a but, but asked her at the time whether she was in this kind of contact with any of her other ex's to which she responded she wasn't because she hadn't had the same kind of relationship with them. It appears from previous talks we've had whilst together that she feels she hasn't ever had that friendship or close mutual side of things in a relationship before. Is she just mixed up and needing to find this with someone else?

    Having left it by saying, yes, I can do friends (although I only said this at the time as I was cut up and needing to cling to anything I could, thankfully I seem to be moving forward quite quickly on this one) I began NC and healing process, but she's pushed 2/3 further texts over the last fortnight asking if I'm OK and the last one saying that she knew she left the ball in my court if I wanted to meet up again but wanted to reiterate that she still wants to things if I do, and 'thankfully back to normal tomorrow' meaning work, or routine or whatever I guess. I know her well and, although she seems able to sack the romantic/physical and emotional relationship and wants to move on from that side of things, I know she doesn't like change.

    Any thoughts?

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