[Rose1994]

Thank you in advance for any advice. Here is the situation:

Years ago, I fell in love with my "first love" during our senior year in high school. He was my first real boyfriend and first.. everything else. We had completely opposite personalities - I was the quiet shy one and he was the loud, popular, "cool" guy that everybody liked and respected. He was also a bit of a rebel and my parents strongly disliked him for that. Despite this, we really developed a close bond that I have never been able to get over. After we graduated, I broke it off mainly because my parents refused to like him or support our relationship. When I started college, I dated other guys but always missed him. 3 years later, we got back together and things were great, I was so happy. Then something bad happened to him and he got into some legal trouble. (Not his fault) He told me that he was in some trouble and wanted me to stay out of it, for my own protection, that he would call after it was all over. He never did. And me, I never called him, although I very much wanted to.

Now its 15 yrs later, we have both moved on. I never saw or heard from him after that last conversation, although I have kept up with what he is doing through a mutual friend. Here is my problem: Why can't I forget about this man? Everyday I miss him, wonder what happened, etc. and every once in a while I'll have an intense dream of him, always in the dream I cannot find him, or there is some barrier between us.

I've heard others say you never really get over your first love, and I can believe that. I've been told that I am living in a fantasy, but when did the heartbreak of losing him become a fantasy? My mind is full of questions - was our last conversation his way of breaking up with me or because I didn't contact him, did he think I didn't love him and so he decided to move on without me? Was a simple miscommunication the reason for our breakup? Not knowing this is torturing me.

I am not what you would call a "high drama" person. I lead a pretty ordinary life, and to everyone else, I have a happy life, family, home, etc. But this event in my life has been eating away at me for years and I am tired of keeping it all to myself. It hurt back then and has continued to hurt every day for all these years. Why can't I let this go? Any advice, suggestions, opinions appreciated.

[talaniman]

Then something bad happened to him and he got into some legal trouble. (Not his fault)

That's a big red flag, as how do people have legal trouble that's not there fault. Explain please.

This fellow was kept alive in your mind for many years, and for sure those old feelings have been stirred up many times. Hard to move beyond him under those circumstances.

The fantasies started when you started filling in the blanks of what information you were being fed. Not knowing everything, you assume and presume, so now your personalizing it further through your curiosity, that leads you to wonder if he still has feelings that you remember from way back when.

Fantasies are usually far from the truth, but your feeling won't let you see anything, but the world your mind has created.

Let go of the fantasy, so you can see the truth, and stop wondering what he has been thinking for 15 years, as he would have contacted you by now if he felt anything at all for you, don't you think??

From what you have written, you have been feeding this fire for far to long to be healthy, and its time to let go!

You have probably overlooked many options and opportunities in reality, by living in the fantasy world.

Stop asking people about him, and look around you and deal with where you're at in reality.

[Rose1994]

Thank you for the quick response, talaniman. As far as his trouble, he was working as a policeman and was accused of beating a prisoner during an escape attempt, went to court and spent a few months in jail. From the bits that I heard, the prisoner jumped him. (That's why I say it's not his fault).

You said that he would have contacted me if he had any feelings for me at all, but what if he thought I didn't want to have anything to do with him since I didn't call back then?

As far as this being a fantasy, maybe you are correct. All I know is that my feelings are real. I feel as if he was ripped away, there one day and gone the next. At the time we were talking about getting married, and suddenly he was ripped away. My biggest fear was that he felt I didn't love him because I didn't call and that is the reason that he didn't pursue me after it was over. This is the thought I can't let go of. It's eating me inside out - that's why I posted here for advice.

As I stated, we have both moved on. He is twice divorced, and has a new girlfriend, and I have been married to the same man (actually the first one I dated after losing "him") for 13 yrs. I know it's the unforgivable sin to think of another man if you are married, but I feel like these unresolved feelings are slowly but surely killing me. No matter how hard I try (and believe me I have tried hard) I'll never be able to move on.

My husband knows nothing of my feelings, and I feel so guilty for even having them. At the time when I married my husband, I knew I still had intense feelings for my first love, but after all, he had been in jail, my parents definetely would never accept him, and I was confident I would be able to forget him. Right after we were married I found myself wondering how my first love was doing, hoping that he was happy, missing him. Then I would feel bad about those feelings and try to shut them out. Then the feelings would come back, almost daily, especially when I saw something that reminded me of him. This has been the pattern now for 15 yrs and I'm sick of it.

At this point one might suggest counseling, but the fact is that I already spoke with an online counselor who told me that I was living in a fantasy to escape the everydayness of my life, which I really can't believe since I have had these feelings from day 1. I don't "fantasize" about "being" with him - it's more like a constant pain and emptiness in my heart.

Recently I have been thinking of contacting him, since this is the only thing that I think will help all these feelings. I feel like knowing what happened will ease my soul tremendously. I realize this could be potentially very dangerous but I don't know any other way to resolve my feelings.

[amicon]

I think you should see a counsellor,someone who's actually in the same room with you.
It seems you're stuck still mourning the sudden death so to speak of this romance.
As for his prison term, I think there's a dog buried somewhere.

[I wish]

You said that he would have contacted me if he had any feelings for me at all, but what if he thought I didn't want to have anything to do with him since I didn't call back then?

The point is, if he really wanted to get back together with you, he would contact you to find out, even if you were going to reject him.

You already have a family of your own. What you need to do is focus on your own family and stop getting updates about him.

The more updates you get about him, the more you will think about him. Like Tal said, you're filling the void of unanswered questions with assumptions and fantasies.

It's extremely unfair to your current family when your heart is somewhere else.

[talaniman]

I can't believe you would sacrifice what you have now, for a what if from the past. Not worth it. You are distracted, and unfocused, so instead of dwelling in the past looking for something long gone, refocus on the now, as you ignored a lot of facts to build your fantasy.

He was working as a policeman and was accused of beating a prisoner during an escape attempt, went to court and spent a few months in jail. From the bits that I heard, the prisoner jumped him. (That's why I say it's not his fault).

So they didn't buy his story and he went to jail, that's all his fault. Fact is he was found guilty.

He is twice divorced, and has a new girlfriend,

A failure to keep a relationship maybe? Sure is and your another example of his failure at keeping a relationship since you're an ex now also. How convenient you don't see this as the start of a down hill pattern. Those are red flags to pay attention to. Wonder why he was divorced twice?? No it wasn't because he missed you.

Right after we were married I found myself wondering how my first love was doing, hoping that he was happy, missing him.

That pretty normal as WE ALL have those thought about past loves, but we don't go out of our way to keep finding out what they are up to, and keep feeding those feelings day after day, week after week, month after month... are you getting my drift as to what you have been doing to yourself?? For 15 years!! Stay with me here, there is more.

Then I would feel bad about those feelings and try to shut them out. Then the feelings would come back, almost daily, especially when I saw something that reminded me of him.

That's because you kept those feelings alive through your own willful actions, and then got carried away by them.

This has been the pattern now for 15 yrs and I'm sick of it.

Then you want to stop this fantasy, that has become an obsession to you.

Recently I have been thinking of contacting him, since this is the only thing that I think will help all these feelings.

Very wrong, you must acknowledge the feelings, and deal with them by seeing you have the control, and through changing your actions, you can change your thoughts and your focus.

I feel like knowing what happened will ease my soul tremendously.

How about acknowledging the truth of your own life, and making a plan to pay as much attention to it as you have your past.

I realize this could be potentially very dangerous but I don't know any other way to resolve my feelings.

Maybe you need guidance through the process of letting go, and dealing with the reality of your situation, as for sure what can you be giving your own husband and family if your heart is in the past.

You don't act on fantasies, and yours is out of control. Your actions are out of your control, and you better get back within the boundaries of good behavior and learn better tools to deal with your problem.

[DnJzMommy]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Unless you can obey the rules and write in a clear fashion your post will be deleted.

Something doesn't sound right- an inmate was right over a cop? That rarely happens unless they can prove the officer is wrong in the fullest exstent- there are even times that the situations between an officer and an inmate are unclear and they still choose the officer because an inmates testimony doesn't compare to a high figure of an officer. Dats 1
2. I think you are having a hard time letting him go because you feel as though things didn't end on a clear note. There was no real reason to end the relationship and you both have never had the chance to talk about things. But you did say he asked for you to stay out of it so you wouldn't be in the middle. That also sounds fishy. When people are in a relationship that well put together- u would think he would want to tell you that he wants your support in the matter.
Personally it all looks a bit odd- from the outside looking in- everyone loves and learns to move on- I'm sure your looking for closure- but sometimes you don't need closure at all - sometimes its better to nt know all the details. If u were strong enough to move on, get married, and live your life - your strong enough to keep moving on- wish you da best

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Unless you can obey the rules and write in a clear fashion your post will be deleted.

[Rose1994]

Thank you guys for the help. I am doing the best I can. That's one of the reasons I came here, because I am tired of these feelings. I do focus on the here and now, to all my friends and family, everything is great. It's just these personal feelings of mine that I keep hidden that I am sharing with you anonymously today.

I beat myself up about it because I don't know a way to put it behind me. I had other relationships before I was married - and I've had absolutely no problems letting go of those.

Perhaps its all the uncertainty that is eating me up. I don't know. I'm not sure what is meant when people say it is a fantasy. I am not dreaming of leaving my husband to be with him. Nor am I dreaming of an affair. What is happening is that I miss him. I want to know (from him personally) what happened. Almost marrying someone and then BAM - absolutely no contact, no goodbye, no anything is, at least for me, near impossible to get over. This man was my best friend and maybe that is what I am missing the most. Does this make any sense to anyone?

[talaniman]

Yes it does, but that was long ago. Now let it go, because things have changed, and you can't go back.

[Rose1994]

Easier said than done, as letting it go is what I have been trying to do for the past 15 yrs. Going about my daily life, taking care of my family, trying to succeed at my job, these are all things that have kept me extremely busy all these years - it's just when I have a quiet moment that he keeps coming back in my memory. When I'm driving somewhere alone, when I'm in the shower, when I lay down to go to sleep - those kinds of things. Not everyday but most days. I realize these thoughts aren't healthy as I don't think about other exes that way. Maybe it's because he was my first love.

Talaniman - thank you again for the advice - you analyzed just about every sentence I wrote. But I am still searching for a way to "let it go" as you say - because I have been unsuccessful so far.

Many, many times in my life I have had to let people that were important to me "go" - when I was young my older siblings married and divorced a few times - each time I had to let the "sister" or "brother" that I had grown to love go. It's like this time my heart absolutely refuses to let go.

I'm not sure that I'll ever find a solution but just being able to talk about it on this forum helps.

[Jake2008]

15 years is a long time to be carrying on a relationship that never really got off the ground in the first place. I suspect your parents were correct in putting the brakes on it from the sounds of how his life has gone.

Try looking at this from a different angle.

Say that someone you dated and who had very strong feelings for you, and lived 15 years of their life wondering and dreaming about you. They went on to have a family and a good life, but he still had very strong feelings for you.

Out of the blue, he contacts you, and you can tell that he is re-living a brief moment of his life when the two of you were together. He talks about how he's missed you, and wishes that things had turned out differently, and that he fretted about your breakup being a simple misunderstanding.

He goes on to say that he's never stopped thinking about you for one single day, and strongly feels the urge to test the past waters again and see what happens.

You on the other hand, have no interest, whatsoever, in ever hearing from him, let alone re kindling a long ago forgotten relationship. You have moved on long ago with your life, and do not feel remotely the same about him, as he obviously does about you.

This 'revelation out of the blue' leaves you feeling a bit weird. A little taken off guard, and speechless. You don't want to hurt his feelings, but you don't feel anywhere near where he feels about you, and you don't want to encourage him.

I'd say that after 15 years, he's long ago given up on a relationship with you. He is not some misunderstood God, who, because of not having you in his life, has been miserable and lost all these years.

He's probably a regular shmuck who puts his pants on one leg at a time, and has a mortgage, car loans, a few root canals, and spends his spare time watching football. He grew up, he made choices, he lived his life, with his past in the past.

Do you really want to open up that can of worms and embarrass yourself?

[Rose1994]

Jake2008, I appreciate the look from the different perspective. Rest assured, if for some reason, I were to see him again after all this time, I would not spill my guts about all my feelings. That would definitely be weird, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. What I would do is just see how he's doing, catch up, and after I gauge his reaction to me, try to carefully and patiently find out what happened to us - if I could tell that he is not interested in even talking to me I would not ever even bring it up.

It's quite possible that he never thinks about me, and hasn't in 15 yrs. (That's always my luck anyway) But I tend to think that maybe I was special in his life as I know for a fact he calls me his "high school sweetheart". Back then, he was the one who wanted to marry me, he pursued me and did some pretty awesome things to "prove" that he loved me. I was the reluctant one. I was the one who broke his heart after graduation. He came over to my house to pick up his things and he was the one who was crying, begging me not to do this.

Then after 3 yrs went by, he was the one who reiniated contact, telling me that we made a mistake by breaking up, and that I was his soulmate. I of course, had realized that I really did fall in love with him back in high school (In high school I tried not to let myself get too involved emotionally because I knew how my parents felt about the whole thing but despite me holding back I completely fell for him). At this point I had dated other guys, but nothing serious or even sexual had happened with the other guys I dated. Just like now, he was always in my thoughts and I missed him, so I said yes to him about getting back together.

This time we were not restricted by curfews or "high school" stuff, and our relationship took on a more adult atmosphere. We spent every available moment with each other, began seriously talking about marriage, and I was just about to have the "talk" with my parents that I was in love with this man and that was the way it was going to be.

But before I got the chance to do this is when he got into that trouble. It still confuses me as to why he didn't want me by his side. Perhaps because it was all over the local news and he didn't want me to have to go through that. Perhaps he was ashamed? Or maybe the truth is he didn't love me at all - but I don't think that was it. At the time when he called to tell me he was in some trouble, he wouldn't tell me what it was. I asked him to tell me, but he said the less I knew, the better. I was confused, but then he reassured me that everything would be o.k. and that he would call when it was over. Then he said he loved me and I said I loved him back. Then... nothing.

I'm at a point in my life where I want some answers. These questions have been in my mind for so long, and I need to resolve them in some way. I don't want to live forever with things like this.

My husband is a good man, but we definitely have our problems. I know, you're thinking I haven't invested anything into the marriage because of my feelings. But actually I have done the opposite. I have invested 100% of myself trying to forget the past, and build something great with my husband. But the truth is my husband, even when we were dating, is not interested in anything romantic. We've never had a candlelit dinner, never danced together, he's never written a poem or a note of any kind telling me how much he loves me, affection is not his thing, and his real love is his hobby, of which he spends all his time and energy focused on. I can't count the number of anniversaries or birthdays he's forgotten. Let's not even talk about the lack of sex. I've talked to him numerous times over the course of our marriage that I would like more romance, that I don't feel like I'm important to him, and that his hobby takes up too much of his time and energy. Nothing ever happens. I know I'm lucky to be married to someone who is so grounded, and I know romance is not high on a man's priorities. I also realize that marriages lose their excitement over time, as routine and life sets in. But I also know that marriages and love for your spouse takes a little work and effort. He makes absolutely no effort and expects me to be OK with it.

The truth is the longer my life goes on this way, the more I have realized I made a huge mistake so long ago. Living with that knowledge is very very difficult. I know that I gave up my soulmate and married a man that my parents loved and who would be good for me.

Long story short, it's taken me 15 yrs to realize that I married the wrong man. Nothing is ever going to change. I can feel myself giving up. I am one of those who did listen to my head and not my heart, twice, and I am having to live with the choices I made.

I don't expect anyone reading this to understand or relate to this. But as I said before, it is nice to be able to tell someone about it, anonymously, and "get it off my chest".

Thanks for listening to my "rambling".

[Jake2008]

Well, you are more level headed about this than I thought you were, and I can see the logic in where you are coming from.

Who am I to say you're wrong really. Not my place to judge you at all.

I do think that both men sound like polar opposites. Your husband has become very complacent in the marriage, and when that becomes the norm, no wonder you are unhappy.

Under the circumstances, I can relate to why the 'bad boy' from the past seems so attractive.

If there is no chance that your marriage can work, or improve, through counselling, or there is no longer a will to do so, are you planning on leaving him?

One of the traps that is so easy to fall into is going from one man to another immediately after splitting. I urge you to take one step at a time.

Be confident and independent under your own steam first, and learn to live your life without a man in it. When you are ready, then make some enquiries and see where that goes.

It is sad to me that you have been unhappy for so long. Only one more thing I wish to add, and that is to consider counselling as a way of helping you sort through all this, and come to some decisions.

I hope you keep posting. Let us know how its all going for you.

[Rose1994]

Thanks Jake2008 for your kind words. I appreciate your trying to understand.

Yes these two men are complete opposites. My first love was spontaneous, romantic, full of life, never a dull moment kind of guy. He made me feel so special. It was very exilerating to be around him. He treated me like a queen. He was open about his feelings, and I never once questioned how important I was to him. When we were together the second time, in college, we were almost like a married couple in that we were in the routine of me going to college, him going to work, and we would get together after work and school for some quality time together. The things that I mentioned that I wished my husband would do, like the candlelit dinner, the poem or love note, dancing, anything romantic, were all things we did on a regular basis.

My husband, on the other hand, is very grounded, not into silly romantic notions. He does like to laugh, however, and that was the thing that first attracted me. You see, when I met him, I was still hurting after losing "him" and my "future" husband made me laugh. Plus, my parents loved him, as did everyone else in my family, because he was a nice guy, had a great, well established job, and came from a "good background". My parents made me see that he was good for me, and to forget that "loser" that I had been dating. So I did. Or at least I tried. There was just one problem though - I was never "in love" with him. I believed then that marrying this man was good for me, and I was confident that over time I would forget about my first love. I was SO wrong.

So here I am, 15 yrs later, I have finally stopped lying to myself. I am admitting the truth out loud (or at least in this forum) for the first time that my marriage is never going to work, because we have very different needs, and that I believe I married him "on the rebound". I am still not over my first love - that much is certain. Whether he still has any feelings for me is a huge question - it has been so long. I really don't have any right to contact him. But I yearn just to hear his voice again, even if it's just to say goodbye for the final time. I wish I could let him know that I didn't judge him then, that I would have married him, and that I am so sorry for all that happened. If I could just say that to him, maybe I could feel better.

I am scared to give up on my marriage for one reason - we have two young children and I would not disrupt their world for anything. Also, my husband's parents are very influential in the town where we live, and I am scared to death I would lose my kids in a custody battle because of their connections. So I don't "rock the boat" so to speak.

You mentioned counseling - I dare not go to anyone local (we live in a small town and have loads of "gossipy" people that love to talk too much). I went to an online counselor and all he said was that I was living in a fantasy world with no real constructive advice on how to be happy again.

[talaniman]

While I understand your feelings, I cannot condone going behind your husbands back, meeting a fellow that who knows what will happen next.

For all his faults he probably has no clue that the deck is stacked against him. That's not being honest. Its not his fault you have been comparing him to another after all this time, and he doesn't measure up.

So essentially, he is a back up plan for just in case you can rekindled a long dead flame.

Not judging, just pointing out the obvious. For sure I think this is a bad idea, because no matter your feelings, you resolve your issues at home first. Go or stay, before you go chasing after a what if. That's fair, and why would counseling be more of a scandal than an affair, or leaving your husband for another, if it came down to that?

Sorry my dear, I think your crossing the lines of good behavior, indulging your fantasy for the sake of reality.

[Jake2008]

This sounds to me like you have been thinking about a new life for a long, long time. Feeling empty and unfulfilled, and guilty over knowing there will be consequences for all concerned within your family. Much will depend on what you are willing to potentially risk, particularly the children.

Then again, you are between a rock and a hard place. With him and his family being so influential (I come from a very small town, I know exactly what you mean), should you tell your husband that you wish to go to counselling, or even talk about your emptiness you feel in the marriage, and even if you mentioned your high school sweetheart; well, if push comes to shove, any and all of that may have unforseen consequences.

However, you should not be a prisoner in your own home, or community, or intimidated by others to the extent that you do not feel free to make choices for yourself.

I am also totally annoyed with the lack of skill the online counsellor had. She/he do not reflect any that I have known.

Do you think that, it might be possible for you and your husband to attend counselling, in a nearby city or bigger town if that's geographically possible? One thing I've learned over the years with men, is that sometimes it does take an impartial third party to draw out what might very well be some serious concerns he has. Maybe he too, doesn't want to rock the boat, and is going along with the status quo, as you are, to avoid any hassles. It could very well be that both of you are thinking along the same lines to some degree, but the communication is not there. Counselling could get all the cards on the table, and you may be surprised with the outcome of that with your husband.

I would cross all possible reconcilliation issues off the list before contacting the sweetheart, as much as you want to. Even if it doesn't work with your husband, and you find yourself not feeling the same toward the sweetheart, you will know that it wasn't a mistake to end your marriage.

You have a lot of thinking to do. The biggest concern I have is that you are going from the frying pan into the fire. Keep the fire extinguisher handy, and keep posting.

[Rose1994]

Thanks guys for the comments. Just being able to "let it all out" here has been a great help.

Talaniman, you say that I am crossing the lines of good behavior, but don't worry. I haven't done anything or acted on my feelings at all. I do realize these feelings are not right and need to be dealt with. I have been the good housewife and mother for 13 yrs now and I don't intend to change that. I'm afraid you're thinking that I'm ready to go out and have a torrid affair with this man. I've stayed away from him and kept everything to myself for all these years, and believe me I realize all the consequences even contacting this man might carry. I do not wish to lose my family. However, I have come to a point that if my husband came to me and wanted a divorce, I would actually be relieved.

I can honestly tell you that my husband would never consider counseling - he has too much pride for that, and as I said, he is very grounded. Doesn't believe in all that silly counseling stuff. The only thing important to him is work and his hobby.

Divorcing him (at least if its my idea) is not an option because as I said I am not willing to completely give up custody of my kids. My in laws are what you would call "big wigs" in the community, highly respected, and have friends in high places. They are extremely opinionated and on many, many, many occasions have butted in on our business. So I know that if I were to want a divorce, they would make my life a living hell and would not stop until I was left with nothing. My husband is their only child, so you can guess how much they are willing to do for him.

Jake2008, you are right about being between a rock and a hard place. If I ever decide to go, I know I would have to give up everything, including my children, so hopefully you understand why I stay. On the other hand, how much longer do I have to be miserable? Don't get me wrong, we do have good times, but there is no intimacy or loving communication. Maybe I'm stupid but I really need that in my life. At least just a little bit.

So maybe you can see why I feel I made a big mistake when I didn't marry my first love. With him, I had everything I needed in a relationship, and I realize had I married him we would not have had a perfect life, and we would have gone through our ups and downs the same as any marriage, but at least the base of our marriage would have been solid.

So you see I don't know what to do. Contacting my first love is wrong, divorcing my husband is wrong, the online counselor didn't help much, so that's why I turned here, hopefully just to talk it out and maybe come up with a good idea or two. It's been nice being able to share here. Thanks for the outlet.

[talaniman]

The basis for most fantasies is to provide a temporary escape from your reality. Oft times those fantasies are you filling in a lot if big gaps because the only facts you have are from memories that were good.

There is no way you could know why he never returned to you, or pushed you away. You don't know how life would have been with this fellow, because it ended when your feelings were to invested. You know nothing of what would have happened, because it didn't, only in your mind.

The facts you do know is the fear of your husbands family, losing your kids, and having an awful lot of time on your hands.

Talking to your husband honestly, and without fear, is your path back to your reality. Not talking about some long lost love, but trying to find the love the two of you have lost, and need to get back. All married couple go through that disconnect where they both have to make adjustments, and I think you can to.

Unless he locks you in the house, and restrict your movements, then you also have an option to build a life that you enjoy, outside your home, and responsibilities.

But that's my point, deal with the realities of your own situation before embracing fantasy as real. Its not. And there are many ideas you can come up with to make yourself happy, and fulfilled with what you do, for yourself.

It's a big mistake to think its lack of trying on your husbands part, that your not happy. It's a lot closer to the truth that the lack of effort or ideas comes from you, but you blame him.

Take responsibility for your own happiness, and see if it changes, not only your perspective of yourself, but your attitude toward your world.

Happy people don't fantasize over what ifs, because they are to busy looking forward to the next good event in their lives, and they know its coming, so they get ready for it.

[Rose1994]

"It's a big mistake to think its lack of trying on your husbands part, that your not happy. It's alot closer to the truth that the lack of effort or ideas comes from you, but you blame him."

Tal - you're right. I do blame him, not entirely of course - God knows I have so many faults of my own its ridiculous. But I feel like I've been running around in circles our whole married time trying to make our marriage better only to be dodged every time. Understand he's a good guy, everybody loves him because he's very funny. One of his "things" is to make people laugh. Always cracking jokes. That's probably one of the biggest things that attracted me when we were dating.

But I know his jokes are only a front for his lack of confidence. The only thing that he feels comfortable and confident in is his work and his hobby. He'll make light of, fun of, and joke about things that are important to me, but only because he's not comfortable talking about it.

So romance is out of the question, because the jokes even follow us into the bedroom. I have never ever had a passionate moment from him. He doesn't like to think about things he's not good at so when I ask for more romance he doesn't respond.

Most of our dating time consisted of lots of laughs, movies, and eating out. Even then not much passion.

I mentioned his hobby previously, and since that seems to be the only thing that makes him feel good, it's pretty much the only thing he really focuses on. It's all he ever seems to think about. We used to argue about how much time he spent on his hobby when we first married and for several years afterwards, and I got to a point where I was ready to leave him. But, then I found out I was pregnant. So I stayed.

Not since we dated have I ever felt important in his life. Always something else is the priority. Now that we have kids I make sure that they are the priority - and I try to make sure that they are his priority too. Which puts me way down on the list.

I feel like the only reason I'm in his life is to cook, clean, wash, and take care of the kids. Occasionally I'm there to take care of his "needs" but most of the time he prefers to take care of that himself. I have spoken to him about this several times (trying not to nag or argue, just discuss it), but its usually followed with a joke here, a laugh there, him making light of it, and then saying maybe we could do this or that to make it better, but it never changes.

All throughout our marriage, every time I was rejected, laughed at, ignored, or passed up for something to do with his hobby, I remembered the great times with my first love, the way he made me feel, and the passion we shared. My first love never made me feel stupid, unwanted, unimportant or neglected, which are all things my husband has made me feel since the beginning of our marriage. That is the reason I never forgot my first love. Maybe that's why the memories of our time together and the questions concerning our mysterious breakup have haunted me all this time.

Lately I have grown tired of it all. I can't take too much more of it. I can only hide these feelings for so long. I attempted the online counseling thing, to no avail, so now I'm here.

I know the only way to make my husband see what's going on with me is to leave him, for even just a short separation, but I'm so afraid the inlaws would get involved and it would be all over then.

Your message was to work on my own happiness, which I will try to do, but being around my own family is what makes me happy. When he doesn't do his part, it makes me angry, so here we go again with the pattern. Where do I go from here?

[DnJzMommy]

Something doesn't sound right-an inmate was right over a cop? That rarely happens unless they can prove the officer is wrong in the fullest exstent- there are even times that the situations between an officer and an inmate are unclear and they still choose the officer because an inmates testimony doesn't compare to a high figure. For one.
Secondly, I think you are having a hard time letting him go because you feel as though things didn't end on a clear note. There was no real reason to end the relationship and you both have never had the chance to talk about things. But you did say he asked for you to stay out of it so you wouldn't be in the middle. That also sounds fishy. When people are in a relationship that well put together- u would think he would want to tell you that he wants your support in the matter.
Personally it all looks a bit odd- from the outside looking in- everyone loves and learns to move on- I'm sure your looking for closure- but sometimes you don't need closure at all. Sometimes its better to not know all the details. If you were strong enough to move on, get married, and live your life - your strong enough to keep moving on- wish you da best