[asking]

Solow,
I think you are doing impressively well. This is an awful time of year for all this to play out. The advice that Jake and Gemini and others have been giving you all sounds good to me. Your husband is behaving unbelievably selfishly. He seems to think he can come and go in the marriage as he pleases. Keep yourself respect. You were right when you said that doing things and taking charge reduces depression and feelings of helplessness. That's always the case.

Not sure if this is helpful, but my former sister in law's husband moved out and lived with another woman (a student; he is a professor) for eight months. At the end of 8 months, he broke up with the other woman and went home to his wife, and 15 years later, they are still married. He stopped going to reunions of her family, so I haven't seen him since. I assume he's ashamed. The strangest thing to me is that his wife told no one this was happening until it was all over and he was back home. Her sister says even she didn't know that he had moved out. I don't think I would take someone like that back.

If your husband asks to come home, be ready with some answer, even if it is just, "I'll have to think about that."

[solow]

Thanks everybody for your comments, I really do appreciate them and I know it looks as if I am going around in circles and I probably am but being able to post on here and having people give advice really is helping me - also being able to look back at mine and your posts helps enormously too so thanks everybody x

[solow]

Well it is Sunday evening and I will be heading home in the morning, back down South... slightly anxious as I know I need to do an awful lot of work on myself and start liking myself again, then hopefully everything else will follow. I have only spoken to him about general things i.e. nothing about our marriage, his mixed messages, her etc. I am not going to try and make sense of anything anymore or try and understand. I am going to live for the "now" from now on.

I can't control anything that he has/will do - it needs to be all about me now - I am not going to let him hurt and upset me anymore - I will not allow it, I have let him do that for the last 12 months and I will not allow it to happen anymore.

I just hope I have the strength to do all of the above - life is for living, for the last 12 months I have just been existing and allowing somebody else to control me - not anymore I am taking back the control.

I know it won't be easy and will still need advice from you guys, but with your help hopefully 2010 will prove to be a year when I shine and when I am finally proud to be me.

[Jake2008]

You are so right that you cannot control anything that he has/will do. Worrying or anticipating his next move or phone call, will just keep your head spinning with 'what ifs'.

Keep as busy as you can, and enjoy whatever you do for yourself, fully. Have you considered keeping a diary? Day to day, you can see your progress.

You'll have good and bad days, but far more good than bad as you venture through this new life you are creating for yourself.

Keep us posted.

[amicon]

Solow I hope you're feeling a bit better now that the holidays are over.
Keep us posted.

[solow]

Hi sorry but not feeling good at the moment and have been poorly with a cold, I drove back from up North on Monday and now feel really flat, all my family were up there, now I am down South with no relatives apart from my girls.

He is on holiday and to look and read on his Facebook pages you wouldn't think he has a care in the world.

Also she keeps putting comments on there and that is a constant reminder.

How do I get rid of this feeling of emptyness and how do I take that first step of moving forward?

[talaniman]

You keep him alive in your thoughts, by following what he is doing on Facebook. Stop it!!

[amicon]

Sorry about your cold,hope it's on its last legs. You need to stop checking out FB.pure torture,so stay off it.
Have you been in touch with CAB yet?

[solow]

You keep him alive in your thoughts, by following what he is doing on facebook. Stop it!!!

I know... I'm stupid!

[amicon]

You're not stupid but there comes a time when you have to start moving on and actively start the healing process.
You need to accept that the only changes that will come about are the ones you,yourself,make.

[solow]

You're not stupid but there comes a time when you have to start moving on and actively start the healing process.
You need to accept that the only changes that will come about are the ones you,yourself,make.

I know you are both right - I go and see my counsellor tomorrow and hopefully will feel more positive after that... I have a few self help books which I need to start reading again also - I know what I need to do, I suppose it is all about me letting go and accepting the situation too.

I know I need to stop looking at his Facebook as I am torturing myself and keeping him in my thoughts - I have never felt so hurt and betrayed by anybody before and sometimes I just can't believe how we have got to this stage and how he can carry on without a care in the world when I am hurting so much.

He just doesn't understand what I am/have gone through and doesn't understand why I should feel so hurt about him going with somebody else and why it hurts me when she keeps bl**dy popping up on Facebook.

I need to move forward, I promised myself that I would do this on NYE, so I really need to keep that promise, as well as myself, I owe it to my girls and all the people that care for me so much.

Thanks for being patient with me x

[amicon]

He can do this because he has already moved on and as painful as it is so must you.
Again, I would strongly advice you to look into your financial status and I would,were this my situation,file for divorce.
There's no need to put up with this anylonger.

[solow]

He can do this because he has already moved on and as painful as it is so must you.
Again, I would strongly advice you to look into your financial status and I would,were this my situation,file for divorce.
There's no need to put up with this anylonger.

I know, everything you are saying is correct, I suppose if I do this it is then acknowledging that this is the end and accepting that my marriage is over and that there is no going back...

I said to him the other day that I just wished that he had been clear with me that our marriage had ended - he said he didn't know it had...

I don't think I should go through 2010 like this - I don't deserve it - and yes I have to start getting strong and start making decisions for me.

[amicon]

Acceptance is the first step,for you,accepting that is's over and starting to act accordingly,looking after your own best interests and those of your children.
What he says doesn't matter-his actions speak volumes.

[Justwantfair]

Your situation is heart wrenching. It is difficult to cut ties you have known for 22 years, without explanation and you are only left with pain and confusion.

I think the hardest step is Acceptance, admitting to everyone that you don't even want to hope anymore. What he did was disrespect you and announce that you care more about him than he ever cared about you. This is the hardest step for you to come to terms with your grief.

You have had additional time to wrap your head around the idea that your marriage is over, now you have to take the steps, because eventually your head will convince your heart.

These are very weak times, I hope that everyone already has recommended reading the stickies at the top of the page. Start a list, listing what he has done to hurt/disrespect you. When you remember good times and feel blue, pull out that sheet as a reminder of the pain and need to keep pushing forward.

You could never have saved this relationship alone and you don't have a partner in this anymore. Acceptance will help you stop looking to your fantasy ending and face a new brighter ending that is all about you.

[solow]

Your situation is heart wrenching. It is difficult to cut ties you have known for 22 years, without explanation and you are only left with pain and confusion.

I think the hardest step is Acceptance, admitting to everyone that you don't even want to hope anymore. What he did was disrespect you and announce that you care more about him than he ever cared about you. This is the hardest step for you to come to terms with your grief.

You have had additional time to wrap your head around the idea that your marriage is over, now you have to take the steps, because eventually your head will convince your heart.

These are very weak times, I hope that everyone already has recommended reading the stickies at the top of the page. Start a list, listing what he has done to hurt/disrespect you. When you remember good times and feel blue, pull out that sheet as a reminder of the pain and need to keep pushing forward.

You could never have saved this relationship alone and you don't have a partner in this anymore. Acceptance will help you stop looking to your fantasy ending and face a new brighter ending that is all about you.

I know, you are right and all the time I am hurt and in this dark tunnel he is acting like he hasn't got a care in the world and is out there living! So who's the fool? Me!

[amicon]

You,as a person,are not defined by his actions,only by your own. Show yourself,by acting in your own best possible interests,that you are a capable,strong lady who will get through this.

[vasantrao]

Look up web site www.marriagebuilders.com
Infidelity part
You will definitely relate and know what to do
Be brave.