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    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #41

    Dec 17, 2009, 09:53 AM

    I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
    Also you could tell him how you feel about it.
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #42

    Dec 17, 2009, 10:11 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by amicon View Post
    I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
    Also you could tell him how you feel about it.
    Apart from this the house is a mess because of all that has happened in the last week and I really don't want him to think that I am not coping because I am coping sort of it is just that housework has not been my top priority.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #43

    Dec 17, 2009, 10:21 AM
    I don't blame you housework is tedious at the best of times-I do think he should respect your wish to not enter the house in your absence.
    For legal advice regarding a separation /divorce have you tried The Citizen's Advice Bureau?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #44

    Dec 17, 2009, 11:54 AM

    I think you should just let him in. If he gets the idea that he's not allowed in his own house, that could just be asking for more trouble.

    And, until you get that separation agreement in place, and a date/time that he can pick up his stuff, with you there to make sure it's done right, your hands are tied.

    You might let him know to go ahead this time, but he won't be allowed back in until you are home. (and have a separation agreement in your hand)
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #45

    Dec 17, 2009, 04:42 PM
    Thanks for your responses - I have agreed to him coming round tomorrow, he doesn't know that it bothered me - I decided when I got home to clean the house from top to bottom, it just felt that I was on the upper foot for some reason and it also helped me, because I was feeling low because I knew that he would be seeing her tonight as he lives a 2 hour drive away, but has to come over here to the dentist, she lives over here, so put 2 and 2 together... so cleaning has been quite cathartic and I am sat in bed now and feel okay and quite pleased with myself - my eldest helped me to, she understood, my youngest who is 19 doesn't know he is coming round tomorrow and I won't tell her, she is very angry at him and would have been angry at me and not understanding why I would be cleaning.

    I am going to go and get some free advice without him knowing - he doesn't want a divorce because he says that as soon as solicitors get involved then it gets nasty even if both sides don't want that.

    He has said to me several times that as long as we stay friends and stay amicable he will make sure that I am all right...

    So the question is, do I get free advice and see what I am entitled to, keep amicable with him and then see what he comes up with and decide whether that is better than what I am entitled to?

    Any advice would be good - although I feel that I have asked for far too much.

    Tomorrow night it is my second session at the councillors and then I am staying with good friends of ours for the night.

    I am finding I am crying less and less and if I could get rid of the thoughts and jealousy of them two being together and her taking what I thought was my future away then that would be all good.
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #46

    Dec 17, 2009, 04:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by amicon View Post
    I dont blame you housework is tedious at the best of times-I do think he should respect your wish to not enter the house in your absence.
    For legal advice regarding a separation /divorce have you tried The Citizen's Advice Bureau?
    That's where I was thinking of trying first.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #47

    Dec 17, 2009, 05:08 PM

    You are not obligated to act on any advice you get, so why not go again and see what you can learn.

    I'm not sure that if you follow what your ex wants you to do, will last forever, and wouldn't you be further ahead under your own steam anyway?
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #48

    Dec 17, 2009, 05:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    You are not obligated to act on any advice you get, so why not go again and see what you can learn.

    I'm not sure that if you follow what your ex wants you to do, will last forever, and wouldn't you be further ahead under your own steam anyway?
    Hi Jake I haven't been for advice yet, I was meaning any more advice from you guys would be good... sorry to confuse x

    it's a shame, in many ways, that christmas is coming, could do without it at the moment but I hope that once the festivities are over I can start making some headway... the holiday period will give me time to think of a way forward, just hope I get through it in one piece!
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #49

    Dec 17, 2009, 05:23 PM
    I would most definitely get further legal advice - forewarned is forearmed.

    He may declare that he will make sure you're all right - but that sounds rather paternalistic to me. Wouldn't you rather be in control and make informed decisions according to your needs?

    There is no guarantee that he has your best interests at heart. Your best interests are best determined by you.
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #50

    Dec 17, 2009, 05:27 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Gemini54 View Post
    I would most definitely get further legal advice - forewarned is forearmed.

    He may declare that he will make sure you're alright - but that sounds rather paternalistic to me. Wouldn't you rather be in control and make informed decisions according to your needs?

    There is no guarantee that he has your best interests at heart. Your best interests are best determined by you.
    I know you are right - I suppose he has been in control the whole time I have known him - I have accused him in the past of trying to control me...
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #51

    Dec 18, 2009, 02:23 AM

    I am struggling today, I find it really hard to know that he will be calling at the house to collect stuff having spent the night with her.

    When he spoke to my daughter (1st time since last Tuesday when we found out about this other woman) he said that he is spending xmas day with this woman because we don't want him to spend time here over christmas now and kept emphasising that it was his house and how he wasn't allowed etc etc What is he playing at? Has he no shame or guilt as to what he is doing... he told her that last Tuesday we were happily chatting and I mentioned the phone bill and he decided to tell me - that is completely untrue and he knows it and my daughter knows it, I rang specifically because I thought something was going on, he tried denying it and then couldn't so had to admit it!

    I find it really sad that somebody who you have spent the best part of 26 happy years with can do this, he said he wasn't looking and that this woman was keener on him yeah right!

    I need help today (again) I'm afraid. I am starting to focus on him again and need to try and start refocusing on me.

    Everybody is really excited about christmas, it is really difficult.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #52

    Dec 18, 2009, 02:57 AM
    Disregard what he says,his actions speak for themselves. Yes it's an emotional rollercoaster ride,but see that it's a blessing in disguise
    I would get busy and set the legal machinery in motion.
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #53

    Dec 18, 2009, 04:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by amicon View Post
    Disregard what he says,his actions speak for themselves. Yes it's an emotional rollercoaster ride,but see that its a blessing in disguise
    I would get busy and set the legal machinery in motion.
    I'm not going to be able to get an appointment with CAB until after christmas but perhaps that is not a bad thing, gives me time to think, get strong and start taking control.

    Apart from the times when I am weak and feeling pathetic and thinking about them two together... I need to shift focus. Perhaps I need a fling or a bit of male attention, that would take my mind off things. Ha!

    Not sure I am giving out the right signals at the moment though also it would help if I had a social life!
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #54

    Dec 18, 2009, 04:54 AM
    I hope you make an appointment with CAB for as soon as they can fit you in. It will help if you know where you stand from a legal point of view and it will boost your confidence as you will be taken charge of your own life. As for flings-I don't think that's a great idea. Why not just do fun things with your friends and your girls ?
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #55

    Dec 18, 2009, 06:08 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by amicon View Post
    I hope you make an appointment with CAB for as soon as they can fit you in. It will help if you know where you stand from a legal point of view and it will boost your confidence as you will be taken charge of your own life. As for flings-I dont think thats a great idea. Why not just do fun things with your friends and your girls ?
    I know you are right but a bit of attention would be nice but yes you are right and its just all talk anyway, I think I would run a mile at the moment.

    Well he has probably been and dropped the presents off at the house by now and collected his camera - he is probably dissapointed that there are no presents for him but what can he expect. My eldest daughter did consider leaving the presents she had bought for him (pre discovery of this other woman) to collect but then she said she wouldn't want him opening them when he was with this woman, wouldn't be right.

    We have decided to have our own christmas day sometime in January, where we can spend it with just the 3 of us. Over the christmas period I am going up north with my 19 year old and staying there until the 4th Jan, whilst 19 year old will get the train back on the 29th to go out with her friends for NYE. Eldest is spending the time with her boyfriend's family, this is probably the best possible solution for all of us and hence we will be having our christmas day together sometime in Jan.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #56

    Dec 18, 2009, 06:41 AM
    That's a great plan and I'm sure you'll be able to find enjoyment and contentment over the hols.
    I hope the weather changes for when you travel-we have lots of snow here(North Yorks)and more to come.
    As for really dating again I think you will know when you are ready to do that.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #57

    Dec 18, 2009, 08:22 AM

    You need a lawyer, and quick. He is flexing his muscles from the sound of it, with your daughter, over his comments that it is 'his house' etc. implying that he's being the good guy in not going to 'his' house for Christmas. The point being that you are now the bad guy for not letting it happen.

    I'd really like to slap him if you don't mind. What happens to a man that he can just get up and do what he did.

    If he was unhappy, or feeling he needed something more from life, why couldn't he have talked about it, maybe attended counselling, been honest, and at least tried to save his marriage first.

    I would like to see you change the locks on the house, but I know you can't do that. Instead, maybe while you are gone, have a friend or neighbour watch to see if he's gone there, or go in and just take a quick look around.

    He will eventually feel that you are benefiting from him being gone, as you have the (most likely) biggest asset, that being the house. Best to take care of legal business as soon as you can.

    I think Christmas in January with the three of you is a GREAT idea.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #58

    Dec 18, 2009, 12:07 PM

    I have been following your post with interest, and the others are right about you taking full control of your life, by first handling your business and finding out about your rights, and then doing the legal best to get things defined in writing, and being free of this guy, and his mid life crisis.

    Enough is simply enough, of this emotional roller coaster and living in limbo, and its time to accept his stupidity, and stop being dependent on him for anything else in life.

    The way I see it, half of everything is yours, and you should use it to rebuild a life that you enjoy, without him in it, nor have a say in what you do.

    Handle your business for now, and cry later if you must. You clearly need legal advice. Get it soon as possible, and plan from a position of strength, based on facts, and knowledge, of what all your options are.

    He sounds happy to me, and so should you have the same thing.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #59

    Dec 18, 2009, 12:53 PM

    I found this website which looks quite helpful-www.terry.co.uk.
    All the best.
    solow's Avatar
    solow Posts: 41, Reputation: 3
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    #60

    Dec 26, 2009, 10:05 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I have been following your post with interest, and the others are right about you taking full control of your life, by first handling your business and finding out about your rights, and then doing the legal best to get things defined in writing, and being free of this guy, and his mid life crisis.

    Enough is simply enough, of this emotional roller coaster and living in limbo, and its time to accept his stupidity, and stop being dependent on him for anything else in life.

    The way I see it, half of everything is yours, and you should use it to rebuild a life that you enjoy, without him in it, nor have a say in what you do.

    Handle your business for now, and cry later if you must. You clearly need legal advice. Get it soon as possible, and plan from a position of strength, based on facts, and knowledge, of what all your options are.

    He sounds happy to me, and so should you have the same thing.
    Thanks Talaniman - you are right with what you are saying, I just wish I could get him out of my head and start moving forward, it is just really difficult at the moment.

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