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amicon · Dec 16, 2009, 07:33 AM

The decent route to take is to end and I mean finish one relationship and heal from the breakup rather than jumping straight into a new one. It doesn't matter that he left you,the new woman is still his rebound and that's not a good place to be. As for your marriage I think it was meant to be but sometimes things don't last and sadly we have to pick ourselves up and start a new life which doesn't include the ex but which is nevertheless a great opportunity to find a truer happiness.

solow · Dec 16, 2009, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

The decent route to take is to end and I mean finish one relationship and heal from the breakup rather than jumping straight into a new one. It doesnt matter that he left you,the new woman is still his rebound and that's not a good place to be. As for your marriage I think it was meant to be but sometimes things dont last and sadly we have to pick ourselves up and start a new life which doesnt include the ex but which is nevertheless a great opportunity to find a truer happiness.

Thanks for this... I am finding hard to cope today, it upsets me that when in March he left me, that is what he did, he left me with the house, which needs work doing to it, the girls, all the day to day stuff (we still have a joint account and all the post is still sent to the house). He moved in to a 1 bed flat and that is it he went to work until his contract stopped in Oct but didn't have all the every day to day stuff of family life - this doesn't seem to be like living in the real world. Now he has met this woman, he will give her 100% attention without all the usual daily issues of bills, house chores, children hassles - he is living the single life and walked away from everything - I sound bitter and I don't mean to be. Just frustrated and confused. Need to stop these negative thoughts, need to focus on a plan for me, its meant to be all about me now and about taking control - not doing very well today. Obviously not as strong as I thought I could be.

amicon · Dec 16, 2009, 08:39 AM

I'd write down a step by step plan-things you want to do to improve your quality of life,for you,to make you feel good. Then do them step by step. I'd also seek legal advice, sort out the bankaccount and all bills and find out about having his mail redirected. We all have low days so the ups and downs are normal. The best thing here is that you have started your road to recovery even if it will take time.

solow · Dec 16, 2009, 04:21 PM

Thanks everybody - I've had a few wobbles today but I am in bed now and have got through another day - Amicon that's a good idea about writing down a step by step plan and I think one of the first things on the list is to get through christmas and new year in one piece, which hopefully, with the help of my family up north, I will be able to. I will keep posting as it is good therapy for me - apologies if I go over things which I have already said before and have been given advice on - like me keep thinking about them two together, it will be just that, that is what I am finding hard to deal with.

Thanks again to everybody, you really are helping me... now where did I put my book, nothing like a good thriller to take your mind off things!

amicon · Dec 16, 2009, 10:00 PM

Good idea,reading is one of my favourite things too.
Hope you wake up to a peaceful day.

Jake2008 · Dec 17, 2009, 01:12 AM

Once you get yourself through the Christmas season, try to get in to see a Lawyer, and at least find out what your options are. You don't need to feel pressured to make an on the spot decision, but a separation should be a priority.

That is a big step in itself, but the purpose is to figure out the assets, liabilities, child support etc. It is for your protection, and to help you plan your future with the information you need to do so.

I agree with the counsellor that looking at this as an opportunity, rather than a failure, is a positive way to think.

You have the opportunity to decide the direction of your life, and the possibilities are endless.

I hope you keep posting and updating us.

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 02:11 AM

I agree with Jake,you should see your lawyer. At this stage I believe this is necessary and it will help you feel you are in charge of your life.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 02:22 AM

Thanks - I have woken up a bit sad this morning, just can't get the two of them out of my head and the thoughts of what they may be getting up to is making me feel ill - have to try and refocus my energy but it is hurting.

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 02:38 AM

Try to change these thoughts by getting really busy doing something you enjoy,I don't mean for that to sound like a cliché,but it does work.
Remember he'll be the ultimate loser here, he's lost you.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 03:12 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Try to change these thoughts by getting really busy doing something you enjoy,I dont mean for that to sound like a cliche,but it does work.
Remember he'll be the ultimate loser here, he's lost you.

I don't know about him being the ultimate loser, I think it will probably be me - he has got his version of the ideal woman I think. It is hard dealing with rejection. I have not been in touch with him since I spoke to him on Monday and that is difficult as seeing messages on his FB page, you wouldn't think he had a care in the world. I wish he could understand what he has put me through.

He says I am attractive and that I am wonderful - all platitudes to shut me up.

I don't know what I am going to do - feel very alone.

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 03:24 AM

We shouldn't feel obliged to live up to anyone's idea of perfection,it's a wise choice to be happy being who we are;anyone who expects us to live up to their ideal is selfish and uncaring I think.
Rejection stings but with time that hurt will fade.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

We shouldnt feel obliged to live up to anyone's idea of perfection,its a wise choice to be happy being who we are;anyone who expects us to live up to their ideal is selfish and uncaring I think.
Rejection stings but with time that hurt will fade.

I understand what you are saying, I think what I am feeling (apart from feeling sorry for myself) is jealousy. We spent all those years, bringing the girls up etc (they are 19 and 22 now), no time to do the things we wanted to, dividing time between the 4 of us and just when things are getting easier, the girls independent and far less demanding, now we should be enjoying each other and life together - instead that has been taken away from me and he will be doing that with somebody else and that is hard to take. Somebody who doesn't have the history we share and all that we have been through - she will probably seem like a breath of fresh air to him as she has no ties and it will be like dating when teenagers. I have to pull myself out of this, I can feel myself sinking. Sorry for sounding so pathetic.

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 03:45 AM

You're not pathetic-you're in pain. But remember do one thing every day to make you feel good? What will you do today?

Jake2008 · Dec 17, 2009, 03:49 AM

Well, you start every day by getting up, and getting busy. Get a list of things you need to do that day, and knock em' off one by one. It's very, very hard to see what looks like moving on and healing from him, yet you are feeling rotten. He looks happy, you aren't. But, he is not unlike anybody else going from a wife to a girlfriend. He has not given himself any time to deal with what he's left in the aftermath, before he hopped into a new relationship.

That brings baggage, and it will only pile up and someday explode. He is the same person, he's just adjusting to a new person, and her to him. When the dust settles, he'll be left scratching his head wondering what the *ell happened.

At at that stage of the game, you will have your independence, and you will have gone through the separation/divorce and acceptance of what has happened. You will be emotionally healthy, strong, and in control of your life. THAT is a goal worth fighting for.

You have so many opportunities and adventures ahead. It's a whole new world for you. You may not be enjoying it yet, but you will.

I doubt you will be alone for long, and everything you are going through now, will only lead to more success down the road. Necessary evil really, but worth the pain for so much gain later on.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 03:55 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

You're not pathetic-you're in pain. But remember do one thing every day to make you feel good? What will you do today?

Shaved my legs!

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 04:02 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Well, you start every day by getting up, and getting busy. Get a list of things you need to do that day, and knock em' off one by one. It's very, very hard to see what looks like moving on and healing from him, yet you are feeling rotten. He looks happy, you aren't. But, he is not unlike anybody else going from a wife to a girlfriend. He has not given himself any time to deal with what he's left in the aftermath, before he hopped into a new relationship.

That brings baggage, and it will only pile up and someday explode. He is the same person, he's just adjusting to a new person, and her to him. When the dust settles, he'll be left scratching his head wondering what the *ell happened.

At at that stage of the game, you will have your independence, and you will have gone through the separation/divorce and acceptance of what has happened. You will be emotionally healthy, strong, and in control of your life. THAT is a goal worth fighting for.

You have so many opportunities and adventures ahead. It's a whole new world for you. You may not be enjoying it yet, but you will.

I doubt you will be alone for long, and everything you are going through now, will only lead to more success down the road. Necessary evil really, but worth the pain for so much gain later on.

I hope you are right Jake and thanks for taking the time to help. I am so grateful to everybody for the input.

If you weren't married or if you didn't live with my husband you would never see the real him. A perfect example in the past has been that he has been having a blazing row with my daughter (they clash) and he will be up close in her face (she goads him) with spittle coming out of his mouth then the doorbell went, he answered it and it was like hi how are you come in! He can't seem to be himself he has to appear chilled, happy, interested in everybody. If somebody said how was your day he would never say if was flippin sh*te!

I wonder how long he can maintain this with her or perhaps he isn't like that anymore now he has walked away from real life.

I just want to say I really appreciate everybody's help, it is like a drip drip tap, things are slowly sinking in, just feel like I have been bereaved, everything I thought that was going to be my future has been taken away - just need to make a new future, it is difficult when somebody else has always been in control and now I have to do that on my own.

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 04:42 AM

It sounds like he has a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality. As for control, being in charge of our own lives is one of the most liberating feelings there are. You'll grow into it.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 07:44 AM

Now for the latest saga... just got a text from him saying that he has to go to the dentist near where I live so he is going to call to the house whilst I am at work and drop off some presents and pick up a camera... I don't want him to, I know it is his house but it feels like he is invading my privacy - any ideas on what I should do? Should I just let him?

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 07:53 AM

Is it a joint mortgage? I don't know where you are,where I am-England -if it is a joint mortgage- I don't think you can stop him.

solow · Dec 17, 2009, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Is it a joint mortgage? I dont know where you are,where I am-England -if it is a joint mortgage- I dont think you can stop him.

I am in the South of england - I probably can't stop him but it is the fact that he will be going to the house when I am not there... it makes me feel uncomfortable.