[jaime90]

My parents have always been wishy-washy as far back as I can remember. I have 4 other siblings, (5 years old, 6 years old, 14 years old, and a 19 year old twin sister.) Growing up, something that was allowed one day, would be condemned the next. They did not (and still do not) treat all of us kids the same, I feel like they play favorites. They are also physically and emotionally abusive. My siblings took the hardest hits physically, and I took the hardest hits emotionally. At 17 I was diagnosed with depression, and a year later, anxiety.

My fiancé has seen this unstableness with them since we started dating over 3 years ago. We met in a Bible study, he asked my parent's permission to date me, and at first they appeared to approve of him. Of course, a couple months later our contact was limited by my parents because he told me that he 'liked' me. Throughout our relationship things would be okay one month, and I would be grounded from him the next. This was difficult because he joined the military when I was 17, and our relationship was long-distance for over a year. We were "broken up" by my parents for holding hands and telling each other our first "I love you"'s. (they read about this in my journal.) My parents kept a close watch on all phone calls from our phones, for 3 months, I spoke to my (now) fiancé only a few times. One time, he was in town and came to my workplace to say hi to me and my sister, my parents called the cops on him for doing this.

On my 18th birthday, I went on my first one-on-one date with my boyfriend. I called him up (we told each other we would wait for those 3 months,) and I had my very first kiss. He gave me my own cell phone as a present and put me on his plan. Once I got home, I told my sister that I had my first kiss... My parents flipped out and told me that as long as I was living in their house, my boyfriend couldn't come onto the property, and I had to throw away my cell phone. I moved out the next day to live with my aunt across town. Since moving out, my twin sister followed, and left home because of contact being limited between her and her first boyfriend. A couple months later, she came back. I found out that my sister and her boyfriend were being sexual, and so did my parents. They didn't kick her out, or "break them up." (Me and my boyfriend "broke up" for holding hands, but my sister and her boyfriend don't get so much as a talking-to for having sex..? ) I feel like my parents favor my sister over me.

I have apologized to them for leaving on bad terms. They have had on-and-off contact with me, because it seems like they can't decide if they want to keep me or not.

They decided to pay for my wedding dress, and later changed their minds, saying that they did not want anything to do with my wedding. Money is tight, and me and my fiancé are paying for our wedding ourselves. I don't know how I can break this vicious on-and-off relationship cycle. Every other month, my parents are pushing me away and bringing me back, and frankly, I'm getting fed up. I cannot keep getting hurt by them and then going back, but I miss my younger brothers. I'm not sure what the best way to deal with this is... And my wedding is coming up in June! I'm guessing my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle, and I'm afraid if I invite them, my mom will make a scene. I'm not sure what to do!

[redhed35]

Hey jamie.

Families are always hard,but perhaps now you are entering into a new phase in your life as a married women your parents may view the situation differantly.

I know from your other posts that you are very mature and leveled headed young women,but your post says little girl.

I don't mean that in a bad way,just that you have been hurt and carry emotional issues from your child hood, I guess we all do to some extent.

My advice is to make your own plan to get married,rely on yourself and your fiancé.

Approach your parents as a grown women who is capable of making her own decisions,and explain that you would love for them to attend the wedding,and your father to give you away,BUT, you will tolerate any scenes from them.

If your father refuses to give you away,maybe ask your grandfather or your fiancés father?

You have gotten through a lot to be together,work this out together.

[jaime90]

Thanks much redhead. I do carry around a lot of hurt from my childhood. I've proven to myself since moving out that I'm mature, disciplined, and way more responsible than I imagined. I didn't intend for my post to say "little girl," but maybe it does unintentionally, like you said, because I still am carrying this with me.

[redhed35]

As you get older and have your own children your perspective on your own childhood changes...

You have already taken the steps to be independent,and you are...

Don't worry about your parents playing favourite,it does not matter...

What matters is how you teach them how to treat you now...

You out on your own and making choices and decisions as an adult.

Have you spoken to your pastor about this,or someone close to you in your church?

[Jake2008]

Red has given you some very thoughtful advice here.

I only wish to add, that as things get closer to the wedding date, that you give your parents a deadline as to whether they will attend, and whether your dad will walk you down the aisle.

I think it would be a disaster not to know at the last minute, and then have to scramble for an alternate.

Whatever you decide, I admire you for pulling this all together, and doing it on your own. Sometimes that is the best way because you are in charge of all the decisions, and you know that things will get done.

Best of luck to you both.