[carrera277]

Hi guys,

Here is some brief background on my relationship with my Ex. About a year and a half ago we met, were extremely good friends, got a long very well, shared everything together. Throughout the relationship we had the same wants and needs, the same goals in life and we still do. Of course we had our fights but we were great at communicating with one another so we usually quickly resolved them. Lately in the past six months things have gone down hill, we have failed to communicate and fights have became almost every day. We were both tired of this and because she was pushing me away (very very clingy) I became close to my friend of five years which is a girl. This only hurt my ex at the time so we both decided it would be better to be friends even though she sort of broke it off with me. Anyway just to clarify, nothing was going on with this girl, my ex was just very insecure.

So we broke up at the end of October and for the first month of the break up I was doing fine we both had extremely low contact and we basically hated each other. She kissed two other guys while at a party and made sure I knew too. So about a week ago, I emailed her and asked her to talk, no strings attached. She accepted and I called her. The phone call was long and amazing. She apologised for everything she had done to me and said things like "maybe we just needed a break", "I think we will get back together" at one point she even whispered "I miss you". At the end of the phone call, she immediately texted me saying I'm sorry if I confuse you by this but you are always on my mind and I always wonder what you are doing and I get jealous when I hear of you and other girls still. She then said "I still love you and I am so sorry if it hurts you to hear this". So as you can see this gave me hope that we would get back together. We talked for the next week as friends and met up one day for lunch. She expressed to me that she is still in love with me but she doesn't want a relationship "right at this point in time", she just wants to be single and enjoy herself. Oh and I know there isn't another guy involved. Despite her saying this she couldn't keep her hands off me, she hugged me and tried hard to kiss me but I pulled away. We both admitted we still have an extremely strong attraction to each other and its hard to deny.

So we continued to speak through this week and we met up once more. Again, she couldn't keep her hands off me and I actually asked her why she couldn't and she said "because I am still in love with you, I'm sorry". Anyway before I left, we kissed and it was passionate. She pulled me in closer and closer but at the end she got somewhat frustrated. She said "I don't want a relationship with any guy despite my feelings for you, I just want to be single right now" I said I respect your decision, but I can't remain "friends" with her as this will only hurt me more. So I spoke to her over IM and told her I will be going no contact with her. I wished her a merry christmas, a happy new year and good luck. We work together so I told her I am still going to have the courtesy to say hello but it will go no farther than that.

So my question is here, have I done the right thing? The first time I called her she was so happy to hear from me but as time went on that wore off and it just went back to like how it was in the relationship, her not seeming so interested. I know she is very confused, she told me that. I admit I'm confused too. I really want to be with her, but I don't want to jump into a relationship either. I know there is something really special between us, I can just feel it. I am not the sort of guy to pursue something that I think would be a waste of time. She told me not to worry about her for a while and do whatever I want to do (date girls, see girls) she also acknowledged that it would hurt her and she might lose me but she said it is my loss and it is a risk I am willing to take because right now I can't be in a relationship. Towards the end our relationship was extremely stressful so I can see why she is like this. I just feel like we are both denying our love for each other. We admit there is something special, and an extremely strong attraction between us, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

So it has been 3 days into no contact and right now I have the mentality "If we are meant to be, we are meant to be." and "If she truly did care for me, she will return" but I am NOT going to stop my life. I've started going to the gym, and I go out a lot more. I just want to enjoy myself really. So if she comes back, she does. If not, no contact would have helped to heal my wound so I win both ways.

What do you guys think?

[sabrewolfe]

Sounds like a good plan.

[howareutoday134]

I wish I had the courage to do what your doing because my situation is almost identical to yours except see isn't seeing anyone else but I haven't mustured up the courage but I defiently think your on the right track

[carrera277]

My Ex isn't seeing anyone else either. She has a lot of guy friends but that doesn't bother me because I have a lot of girl friends too. I haven't stopped my life for her, the night we kissed I went out with a really good female friend of mine and I spoke to my ex about this. She told me it still hurts her and she is jealous but this is the price she needs to pay for wanting to be single right now.

The thing that annoys me the most is that I know what I need to do to make things great between us again, only she isn't willing to try again. No contact seems to be my only option.

Oh and I've already made the mistake of being too clingy after that first phone call with her. That's what I think destroyed my chances with her this time around. Lucky I wasn't that little clingy girl for more than a week and I was able to move onto no contact quickly.

[vanheart]

Sounds like you answered your own question.

[paxe]

You're doing the best thing possible and you'll be on your two feet in no time.

[carrera277]

Sounds like you answered your own question.

True but I really am still in love her. Perhaps more than I ever have been.

I just don't want my hope to get in the way of myself healing.

During the month on low contact, I actually called her one time to yell at her for being nasty to a mate of mine. A week later the "talk" call took place and she told me her heart stopped when I called her even though it was to yell at me. After that night I blew it, I tried to push her and rush things so yeah she might have those feelings for me, but there is no way I will be getting her back right now even thought I want to be with her so bad.

[paxe]

True but I really am still in love her. Perhaps more than I ever have been.

I just don't want my hope to get in the way of myself healing.

During the month on low contact, I actually called her one time to yell at her for being nasty to a mate of mine. A week later the "talk" call took place and she told me her heart stopped when I called her even though it was to yell at me. After that night I blew it, I tried to push her and rush things so yeah she might have those feelings for me, but there is no way I will be getting her back right now even thought I want to be with her so bad.

I guess you're having doubts still. There is little chance of you two coming back together after a break up, especially since she said she clearly said she wanted to be single. She is not giving you false hope, so you can actually move on in peace. As hard as it is, you do need to continue NC no matter what, or you'll take more time to heal. With time, the cloudiness in your head will clear and you'll be able to see that you did a good thing for yourself.

[vanheart]

That's the key. To not let your hope get in the way of healing.

Judging from your post, you guys fought a lot didn't communicate very well.

She sounds super insecure, jealous & doesn't know what she wants. But doesn't want you to be with anyone else. Keep you hanging around as she's kissing other guys.

Plus she told you not to worry about her for a while. What do you think that says?

Anyone woman says go ahead & date other girls & such, has no interest in anything serious with you.

Just flings.

Don't let that happen. Get on with things. Don't let this screw with your head.

[carrera277]

I guess you're having doubts still. There is little chance of you two coming back together after a break up, especially since she said she clearly said she wanted to be single. She is not giving you false hope, so you can actually move on in peace. As hard as it is, you do need to continue NC no matter what, or you'll take more time to heal. With time, the cloudiness in your head will clear and you'll be able to see that you did a good thing for yourself.

Maybe not false hope, but she does give me hope. She tells me that she gets shivers still when I hold her just like when we first started, she still tells me she loves me while I haven't got the courage to tell her that yet and worst of all she tells me she thinks we will get back together later on in the future. I honestly think she just needs to taste single life for a few months and so do I. I think she will contact me later on because she will realise and say to herself ", he is really gone this time". I know what kind of person she is like. But then again if she doesn't contact me I may break no contact in around February next year and see what happens.

[vanheart]

Just do it now.

Your going down a hurtful path.

She can say whatever it is that you want to hear, but her actions are what's important.

She's playing you & you are letting her.

If you really knew what kind of person she is like, then you would still be together.

[carrera277]

Thats the key. To not let your hope get in the way of healing.

Judging from your post, you guys fought a lot didnt communicate very well.

She sounds super insecure, jealous & doesnt know what she wants. But doesnt want you to be with anyone else. Keep you hanging around as shes kissing other guys.

Plus she told you not to worry about her for a while. What do you think that says?

Anyone woman says go ahead & date other girls & such, has no interest in anything serious with you.

Just flings.

Dont let that happen. Get on with things. Dont let this screw with your head.

That was towards the end though. The first probably year and three months were great. Great communication every single night and we saw each other regularly while at the same time going out with friends and leading our own lives. The last three months was where it just got ugly. Most of it was probably my fault. Because she was so insecure this only drove me from her. I look back now and regret that I ever pulled away but I guess you can only learn from your mistakes. I will be applying what I have learned either to her or to a new woman in the future.

[carrera277]

Just do it now.

Your going down a hurtful path.

She can say whatever it is that you wanna hear, but her actions are whats important.

Shes playing you & you are letting her.

If you really knew what kind of person she is like, then you would still be together.

Sorry for the double post above.

And yeah I am looking out for her actions. That is what is confusing. She stares into my eyes when we are together, she always tries to hold me, when she hugs me its never short always long and she is gripping on to me tightly.

I do know what she is like, well I did. Because I was not myself at the end of the break up, she changed and so did her views.

She isn't leading me on because she told me that we have to stop seeing each other because she didn't want me to get hurt anymore. That is why she also supported my decision for no contact.

[vanheart]

Well, what do you think that means?

She wants to exit as slowly as she can because she doesn't have the skillset to be in relationship, let alone just dump someone.

She's screwing w/your heart. Cruel stuff actually.

Here's the thing.

She wants to be single. (not attached. Keep her options open)

My ex told me the same thing.

"I love you, but want to be single" Yeah right.

What I quickly realized was:
1.) She didn't want me
2.) Had a new prospect(s)
3.) Would never go back

Glad you will be applying what you are learning with this.

You keep saying "This is what she told me or is telling me" But the reality is she wants to be single.

If you want to wait around, that's up to you.

But go NC baby, forever. Save yourself the time.

[carrera277]

Well, what do you think that means?

She wants to exit as slowly as she can because she doesnt have the skillset to be in relationship, let alone just dump someone.

Shes screwing w/your heart. Cruel stuff actually.

Heres the thing.

She wants to be single. (not attached. keep her options open)

My ex told me the same thing.

"I love you, but want to be single" Yeah right.

What I quickly realized was:
1.) She didnt want me
2.) Had a new prospect(s)
3.) Would never go back

Glad you will be applying what you are learning with this.

You keep saying "This is what she told me or is telling me" But the reality is she wants to be single.

If you wanna wait around, thats up to you.

But go NC baby, forever. Save yourself the time.

The thing is she did want me about a month ago. But because I felt like I was being pushed away I neglected her, and I really regret that now. She was upset almost every night and I think right now she is just really sick of that and that is why she doesn't want to be in a relationship, and she told me that. She doesn't want to be single just for 'flings", she also told me that.

I'm not waiting around, I have already made the NC move. Only I have two problems, I still have some hope and I will be seeing her almost everyday at college next year plus some weekdays through out the holidays at work. How to deal with that? What should I do if she messages or calls me on Christmas? Do I talk to her? We had a wonderful Christmas last year and while speaking to her over the last week she was always bringing up the good times with me and saying she wishes it went back to that.

I think it isn't fair to say that she won't come back, because you just never ever know with these things.

[vanheart]

NC is NC. You either do it or don't. Ignore it.

When you run into her, keep it short. Or better yet, not all. Ignore her. Show her that you don't care either.

One thing that I realized is that when someone decides they don't want me, they do not deserve my time.

Whether its fair to say or not, its not fair what she's doing to you. Now is it?

Or better yet, what you are doing to yourself. Letting her manipulate you with bs words.

[carrera277]

NC is NC. You either do it or dont. Ignore it.

When you run into her, keep it short. Or better yet, not all. Ignore her. Show her that you dont care either.

One thing that I realized is that when someone decides they dont want me, they do not deserve my time.

Whether its fair to say or not, its not fair what shes doing to you. Now is it?

Or better yet, what you are doing to yourself. Letting her manipulate you with bs words.

I ran into her last night at work. All I said was Hi and then at the end of the night she said bye. She actually tried to start a conversation with me but I just turned around and walked off. She looked rather angry later on.

I understand exactly what you are saying and I do want to do no contact but I guess I don't want to completely destroy my chances. I won't contact her, I won't make conversation to me but lets say in the future she contacts me and she has realised that she made a big mistake (just throwing a scenario out) I don't want to shut her out so much that that becomes impossible. If she doesn't contact me, NC continues.

[vanheart]

Well, you did the right thing.

Screw her if she was angry, she wants you to hang around. Be there when she wants you, but doesn't want you full time. You showed her you weren't interested in her bs. Oh, well...

Let NC & time determine that. After all, like you said, a scenario, in your head. Fantasy, actually.

Here's something from Byron Katie that really resonated with me during my breakup

Her 4 questions: (when it comes to those scenarios in our head)

1.) Is it true?
2.) Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4.) Who would you be without the thought?

Apply this every time you have indecision based on your suppositions.

[rockie100]

Don't allow yourself to be in limbo. If you do, you could be missing out on the chances of meeting someone else. Lets say she did come back. What would be the chances those problems you had, the first time around, wouldn't crop up again? Well, they most likely would, then you would have quite a lot of time invested. Not to mention, the emotional strain waiting around for her would cause.

[carrera277]

Well, you did the right thing.

Screw her if she was angry, she wants you to hang around. Be there when she wants you, but doesnt want you full time. You showed her you werent interested in her bs. Oh, well....

Let NC & time determine that. After all, like you said, a scenario, in your head. Fantasy, actually.

Heres something from Byron Katie that really resonated with me during my breakup

Her 4 questions: (when it comes to those scenarios in our head)

1.) Is it true?
2.) Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4.) Who would you be without the thought?

Apply this everytime you have indecision based on your suppositions.

That is true, only a fantasy. But that is not to say that it won't happen and that is why I am not solely hoping that she will come back, I am accepting both end scenarios. She either comes back or she doesn't and either way I will win. I honestly think that she did want to get back together with me that night, after all those things she said to me on the phone. But I played it wrong, I got way too exctited and I guess I tried to push things and fast forward them. Instead of building the bond, I kept pushing and this threw her off.

I do think a scenario similar to the above is possible because if I can call her and yell at her and have fights with her one week before she tells me she loves me, she thinks we will get back together and all we needed was a break (which we didn't have really. Yeah we had a break from each other but not from all the crap) imagine what no contact could do. She told me she was always wondering what I was doing and whenever she spent time with another guy she pretended to be fully conscious in the moment when really she could only think of me.

I have a party that she will be attending in a about a weeks time. I am going to ignore her and just have a good time. Right now she thinks I am "depressed" (which I am not, I may be upset) about her decision so if I show her I don't need her and I can have a good time without her it might play on her mind. I will also be going for other girls also, surprisingly I have not lost my confidence with this one, simply because I know I can do much better (not trying to sound cocky).

Vanheart, I appreciate all your help but I think advice on these forums really does vary erratically as people have different outcomes. If a person whom got their ex back using no contact was giving me advice he would be a little more positive than you. You did not get your ex back so you are telling me what you think from your own experiences. I will definitely be taking everything you said into account. I guess you can say sometimes advice can be a little biased on a forum due to self experiences. I think the best thing to do is just be neutral... Don't hope she will come back, and don't think that she never will either.

Thanks for all the help.