[486apo]

Moved to its own thread

a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?

- No, I cannot, and yes, I can say I know the situation. My fiancée was, to put it simply, "that" girl her first two years in college. She is 25, and has been with well over 30 people, 25 of which came in an 18 month period. Her sexual resume is pretty extensive; a few short term/friends with benefits, but mostly one night stands and one MMF threesome. She's admitted to having sex in dorm room bathrooms, cars, random bedrooms and behind buildings.

And guess what? Not even 1% of it bothers me. Why? Two reasons.

1. She's also been able to faithfully maintain 3 relationships of more than a year. All of her other encounters were at times when she was single.
2. She wasn't doing it to act out, boost her self esteem or cover up any emotional problems. She has a great relationship with her dad, is one of the most confident people I've ever met and very independent. Reasons behind her acting the way she did are simple: she was single and wanted sex.


b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?

- Yes. You need to accept the fact that your wife has done nothing intentionally to hurt you, and to stop "forgiving" her. Her past actions do not require your forgiveness.

c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?

- A question in response: If your values are so different, why marry her? There are some issues in marriage that you can compromise on (who gets the remote, laundry detergent, etc.). Values regarding sexual activity are not one of them.

d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."

- To convince you and your ego that she does regret it. Have you considered the fact that maybe she doesn't regret it? You automatically tie her past behavior to regret, "being easy" or "being used". If each party went into the encounter without expectations of a relationship, nobody was used.

And, being a man, this may be a foreign point of view, but high numbers of sexual partners in women does not equate to being "easy". You have to consider the amount of "offers" that an attractive woman receives. My fiancée readily admits that she could have done ten times the number of men she's already had, if she would have accepted every offer that came her way.

[talaniman]

Everyone knows that guys can screw around with whomever they please, but expect the one they really fall for to be so pure, or at least less experienced than they are.

Honestly it's a double standard, and mostly it's the male insecurity kicking in.

Actually its none of their business, but then its okay to get over, but not fall for the more experienced female, because it makes them feel so inadequate, and it takes time for a boy, to be a real man.

That's the bottom line I think, some males have not grown enough to deal with reality. Or know what it looks like, frankly.

[Handyman2007]

Her past is her PAST. It happened before you were with her. It is basically a non issue. If she is faithful to you, that is all that matters. My second wife was very promiscuous before we met and it never interfered with my love for her. She was faithful the 4 years we were together. Sadly, she passed away from cancer but I know that if she were still living today, we would still be together. We have all done something in our past. Leave it be. I give her credit for being able to speak about it. If she truly loves you, you can politely ask her not to talk about her past with you unless it is pertinent to something.