[huno]

Hi, everyone. My question's about trying to building deep or meaningful relationships. I've always had trouble making friends, and I especially have trouble making "true" friendships, the kind of friends that people hang out with on the weekends or do things with...

I have a problem with shyness. It's hard for me even to make small talk with people, but sometimes I manage to make a comment or two about something and get someone to respond back. Even when I manage to meet someone who's willing to make small talk with me regularly, I never seem to be able to move beyond that, my relationships with people never get past a simple "Hey, how's it going".

As a result, I don't really have any friends. I don't know of anyone I could call to do something with this weekend, nor could I call on anyone to go to a movie/concert/etc. with (hell, I don't even have anyone to put down as my 'emergency contact' when I go to the doctor!)...

So I'm not sure what to do. How do people make friends? Where did you meet your best friends? If you're the type to have lots of friends, are you also the type to strike up conversation with anyone, anywhere? I feel like this is what's holding me back, that it's hard for me to make conversation with strangers, even people I see on a regular basis.

As an aside, my ex girlfriend seemed to have such an easy time making friends, she started grad school this year and instantly made tons of friends (she was going to their parties a week after school started); I tried to learn from her but I always felt it was really odd that she would become so close to people right away. I always feel like it doesn't make sense to be so quick to let people in, but maybe that's part of my problem...

Anyway, I'm looking forward to your responses; I'd been on this site long ago, took a break and now I'm back. I know there are lots of intelligent people here so I'm hoping you'll bestow some of your wisdom. Thanks!

[Clough]

Hi, huno!

Welcome back! So, what kind of things are you interested in as far as things that you like to be involved in concerning any types of activties, please?

Thanks!

[huno]

Hi, huno!

Welcome back! So, what kind of things are you interested in as far as things that you like to be involved in concerning any types of activties, please?

Thanks!

Thanks, Clough! Honestly, I was thinking about this and I'm not into a lot of things... the only thing I can think of is working out. I just joined a new gym, it's a small gym where everyone knows each other. It seems like the perfect place to meet people but I feel like it's hard to break into people's little "bubbles" and try to talk to them; they're always hanging out with someone and I feel like I'm intruding if I try to join their conversations.

Other than that, I'm not into much else. I used to draw a lot, but stopped doing that years ago... that's all I can think of.

Man, I should probably find other things to become interested in... :o

[Clough]

Hi again, huno!

Do you like to sing; play an instrument or like to read, please? Also, what kind of drawing did you do?

Thanks!

[huno]

I don't play an instrument, and I like reading but don't do it all that often lately...

I used to draw from imagination--people, cars, landscapes, anything that popped into mind. I stopped drawing when I started grad school, I found I had no time for it anymore.

[I wish]

Hi Huno,

This question seems better suited for the Personal Growth section.

It all begins with confidence.

Try reading some self-help books to help you build confidence and self-esteem: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews (scroll down to the bottom and click on the subject names for a list of books)

Furthermore, the more you interact with people, the more experience you will have. You need to put yourself out there more often.

[frangipanis]

Thanks, Clough! Honestly, I was thinking about this and I'm not into a lot of things... the only thing I can think of is working out. I just joined a new gym, it's a small gym where everyone knows each other. It seems like the perfect place to meet people but I feel like it's hard to break into people's little "bubbles" and try to talk to them; they're always hanging out with someone and I feel like I'm intruding if I try to join their conversations.

Other than that, I'm not into much else. I used to draw a lot, but stopped doing that years ago... that's all I can think of.

Man, I should probably find other things to become interested in... :o

Going to the gym can be an ideal way of making new friends but it's not actually that easy to socialise with many people. If friends are there together to workout they're probably not looking to meet other people or widen the circle. It's easier to start talking to someone who also goes often, but on their own. Just make small talk to start with. Ask how their training is going etc. It's funny, but it can take a long time to break through the fixed stare people get on their faces when on the treadmill. Some people are just friendlier than others and like to chat or at least say hi whenever they see you. Mostly it's like that.

I've been going to the same gym for years and haven't yet met anyone outside since I'm there to enjoy my workout. I enjoy the small chat I have with people whose faces have become as familiar to me as my family and who I can always count on being friendly. It's where I go to let go of stress, stay in shape and, oddly enough, to chill out. I'm not sure I want to complicate that by getting to know anyone any better than I do already.

Only recently did a man I've been talking to for years suggest we should get together some other place to be able to talk better. It's been a relationship that's been built up very slowly over time and only in the past six months have we started to share quite a bit personal information between ourselves. I'm glad he suggested it though since we like each other and always have something to talk about, and I feel I already know him well enough that I trust him. Plus he's seen me without make-up and looking pretty scrappy at times, so I've probably done less to impress him than anyone else and yet he's still interested in talking to me, so that feels good.

The best thing about trying to make new friends at the gym is that you can take as much time as you like in slowly getting to know someone since if they're regulars, there's always the next time you see them. It gives you time to learn to read and understand a person's body language and know more about them - including any dating expectations they may have - before approaching them to start a better friendship. And it probably doesn't need to take years either, so don't be shy in asking someone out for coffee if after a while you find you're getting on well together. I would have gone out with this man for coffee years ago, had he asked. I just don't think we've worked it out yet if we just want to stay friends and get to know each other better on that basis, or if there may be something more, so we're still hesitating to have that coffee. I'm on the side on not wanting to take it further at the moment, so maybe he's read that about me. Just go slowly, is the message.

Art classes can be a great way of meeting people too, only I'd suggest you take classes at a university where they're more likely to be around your age.

[rainacidbeer]

I'm friendly but can be shy or just naturally quiet sometimes,some people are more social then others. Just try new things and try to stay positive. Another things is when you talk to someone don't over think it or panic if there is a break in the conversation. I use to worry too much about nothing be said. Don't force things and randomly you may meet a new friend.

Making lasting friendship can be hard,people do progress at there own place. What one guy calls an acquaintance another could consider a friend.