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indecisive · Nov 23, 2009, 02:02 PM

My girlfriend said she wants a break about 3 days ago because she is dealing with some issues, I agreed to let her do it and said I will still be here for her, and love her. This was the day of the break up and I left her alone after that. For no contact, is it OK to respond to text and calls if SHE initiates it. Im not talking about long conversations, I know begging is a sure way to fail, but I don't want to leave her out to dry if she's dealing with personal issues... Keep in mind I do love her and would like relationship to progress.

amicon · Nov 23, 2009, 02:08 PM

Real no contact is one hundred percent no contact.
You need to carry on with your own life regardless and that will be tough if you,on some level hang around and wait for her to text or call.
Get busy,see friends and do things you enjoy.

indecisive · Nov 23, 2009, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

Real no contact is one hundred percent no contact.
You need to carry on with your own life regardless and that will be tough if you,on some level hang around and wait for her to text or call.
Get busy,see friends and do things you enjoy.

But its fresh, not even a full week yet, is it okay to just completely ignore a person you care about? Don't get me wrong, I have read some of these questions by other people, and if she starts the I need time to find myself while, I hang out with any guy I want behavior, I want no part of her. But although I distance myself, is it really just OK to ignore everything she text me when she has been dealing with a lot of issies lately? You guys are more experienced so please let me know.

rosemcs · Nov 23, 2009, 10:02 PM

This really depends on how close you feel to her and here is why: the more you let her into your life, the more she can hurt you. She has already pulled away. Would you like that to happen over and over again, while giving her a shoulder to cry on? Ask yourself if this behavior will make you happy. It would make me very hurt. I would always have to deal with the feelings I had for that person, knowing that what I had to offer was not good enough.

It is a tough place to be in, but she already has let you go. Let her go. She will respect you more for standing on your own. Tell her that you have feelings for her, and she can talk to you when she would like to get back together. That way, it is very clear what the expectations are. A real man stands by what he says and it is respected. Otherwise, you will become her kleenex box-she will use you when she needs you and disregard you when she doesn't.

indecisive · Nov 24, 2009, 06:30 AM

Originally Posted by rosemcs

This really depends on how close you feel to her and here is why: the more you let her into your life, the more she can hurt you. She has already pulled away. Would you like that to happen over and over again, while giving her a shoulder to cry on? Ask yourself if this behavior will make you happy. It would make me very hurt. I would always have to deal with the feelings I had for that person, knowing that what I had to offer was not good enough.

It is a tough place to be in, but she already has let you go. Let her go. She will respect you more for standing on your own. Tell her that you have feelings for her, and she can talk to you when she would like to get back together. That way, it is very clear what the expectations are. A real man stands by what he says and it is respected. Otherwise, you will become her kleenex box-she will use you when she needs you and disregard you when she doesn't.

I guess you right, I haven't really been responding to anything she's said too much, and it hurts because I really do love her, but guess I have to put myself first :( I just hope things get better

bjohnrupp · Nov 24, 2009, 06:58 AM

AS hard as it is just stick with no contact because she is pulling away from you- you need to make her miss you but more importantly you need to start healing because there's a good chance she might not ever come back.

Be prepared that this relationship may very well be over. Girls say they want to go on break as an easier way out than saying break up... but the break almost always leads to a break up I'm sorry to say.

Chery · Nov 24, 2009, 07:24 AM

Hi dear,
so sorry you have to go through this, but it is something we all go through many times in our lives until the right comes along.
You did not mention how this relationship has been going on and how far into it you are emotionally. Love can be defined in many different ways and stages, so think about it. Can you take the weight that is on your shoulders now and are you ready to take some more when she comes up with more problems and shares then when she is ready. Hmmm sure sounds strange to me.
If and when she does contact you, keep your responses short and to the point and ask her if she is going to make a habit of talking to her silent diary at the end of the day, sighing, and just shaking her head, sitting around and waiting for her to iniiate.

You would be better off thinking of what this is doing to you, not her. She is thinking her part and taking well care of it - but I don't see and sharing of mutual respect here - just a little wee one-sided which bothers me.

So, please get well soon and do your best not to jump into something too fast next time... make it last about a year before you really get involved. So contact when she does, don't when she does not. It is being fair, fair to you and that's what counts here - remember.

At the end dear, it is your choice, and I am sure that you will survive it no matter which way you go. Keep your guard up, be stringient with her and keep her at a distance from you from now on, maybe you can start again at the middle instead of giong back to the beginning - who knows..

Remember the issues she claims she has and stirs them around a bit. Are these the usual blues where money is not enough anymore, moral going down, values dropping or just plain fear of how the world is changing each day politcally and otherwise. We cannot stop this progress, but we sure as heck can stop the growth of selfish mildew within our own hearts and on our sleeves. Be honest with yourself and anyone else that crosses your path, that's always the best way.

Will probably talk to you again later when my mind is a litle clearer. Need to clear meds again before I go on, I nodded out 20 minutes ago and woke up not knowing where I was except for this wheechair. Wish I could be somewhere else, but that, again, is life.

Be back a little later.

indecisive · Nov 24, 2009, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by bjohnrupp

AS hard as it is just stick with no contact because she is pulling away from you- you need to make her miss you but more importantly you need to start healing because theres a good chance she might not ever come back.

Be prepared that this relationship may very well be over. Girls say they want to go on break as an easier way out than saying break up...but the break almost always leads to a break up I'm sorry to say.

Lol, trust me I am very educated when it comes to the "its not you its me, i need a break" script it seems they read from, but am I really pushing anybody away when they are the one doing all the calling and texting? I was just talking more of a once in a while response so not to seem like a complete

I wish · Nov 24, 2009, 08:39 AM

She asked for time and space. So respect her wishes. Don't put anymore pressure on her.

She will contact you when she's ready to talk.

For now, go do your own thing. You don't need to spend your time sitting by the phone waiting for her to call.

indecisive · Nov 24, 2009, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

She asked for time and space. So respect her wishes. Don't put anymore pressure on her.

She will contact you when she's ready to talk.

For now, go do your own thing. You don't need to spend your time sitting by the phone waiting for her to call.

I haven't put pressure on her. She's the one calling and texting me, I haven't bothered her at all, I've just been worried what the best approach is if I want to get her back, but so far I answer her text pretty dry and I been ignoring her calls since I don't know what to really say.

talaniman · Nov 24, 2009, 10:17 AM

Many of us get caught in limbo when we are confronted with a break (break up). Its confusing when we don't ask what they mean, because we are in too much shock, and often that's where all the confusion lies.

You have a right to define what this break means, if its forever, or only less seeing each other. Or if romance is dead. Then you can know which way to go, and how you should proceed.

Being put in friend zone, and made an emotional tampon to her feelings, is not the way to go, and doesn't allow healing, and acceptance for either of you. This also brings confusion, and false hope to your future.

Talaniman Rule- When dumped, disappear and be unavailable, so you can heal from the shock, and hurt, of a break up.

She may be confused so why should you be. She is no longer the romantic partner, so why put your own life on hold. Many are afraid that by cutting all contact, it will ruin what they think is any chance of getting back together, or leave them without that person in their lives, even as a friend, which may restart a failed relationship. It does as a fact change things, but no more than being dumped did.

Put yourself first, and allow for your own healing, as she has broken the romantic relationship bonds, and she must accept that as a consequence of her changing feelings. She did dump you, and must wait for you to be ready to be just friends, and that's at your pace, not hers.

This is the message you must convey, and she must accept, or leave you alone to get through the limbo your in.

Its telling when we get dumped that their pain and confusion, or issues that lead to the decision to break up, seldom includes you in the decision process. It seems the break up is the only thing they are not confused about. What does that tell you about your ex partner?

I wish · Nov 24, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by indecisive

ive just been worried what the best approach is if i want to get her back

Watch out for this line of thinking. When you start acting on it, that's when you're putting pressure on her.

I hate to say this, but it doesn't look good. If you had problems with your relationship, she should be trying to work it out with you. But right now, she's leaving you out to dry while she's figuring things out on your own. So what are you suppose to do in the meantime?

I would say that you should try to keep yourself as busy as possible so that you don't have to think about it.

You're in a really tough situation. Hang in there. But I wouldn't put my life on hold forever for someone leaving you out to dry for so long.

bjohnrupp · Nov 24, 2009, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by indecisive

lol, trust me i am very educated when it comes to the "its not you its me, i need a break" script it seems they read from, but am i really pushing anybody away when they are the one doing all the calling and texting? I was just talking more of a once in a while response so not to seem like a complete

Hey indecisive- I didn't say you were pushing her away- I said she seems to be pulling away. I totally understand what you're saying about responding once in a while but I wouldn't do it. This will drive her nuts and will show her you're not sitting around waiting for her.:cool:

Chery · Nov 24, 2009, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by bjohnrupp

hey indecisive- I didnt say you were pushing her away- I said she seems to be pulling away. I totally understand what you're saying about responding once in a while but I wouldn't do it. This will drive her nuts and will show her you're not sitting around waiting for her.:cool:

In that case dear, just keep on going on with your life, handle only what will fit on your plate and dump the rest. As long as you know what you want and what it can get you into, stay here and help others who wear the same shoes on a regular basis and keep falling because they don't fit and never will.

Have a great one... putting on a shoe each day creates conflict, size, color, pressure points, etc. It never feels the same again afterwards either - blisters, bruises, the need to try on a new one, etc. I bet you know what I mean. Never ending story and the end is far away.

bjohnrupp · Nov 24, 2009, 06:33 PM

Hey man- 3+ months ago I was told by my fiancé she wanted to go on break. I was in the same position as you and for a little over a week was left in limbo. That was probably the worst week of my life- not knowing what was going to happen to the relationship.

After a week I saw on her twitter that she was the "happiest shes ever been" and was "loving life". I knew that second it was over and the next morning I asked her if we were going to get back together and end the break or if we were going to break up. She said it was break up time.

So my point is you can't have your life wait in limbo- she shouldn't have to go on break- she should be working things out with you. Don't give it more than 1 week- ask her if its over or not. If she says she needs more time consider it a break up and its over. Hope this helps!

Newguy2009 · Dec 1, 2009, 02:56 PM

bjohnrupp

Originally Posted by ;

So my point is you can't have your life wait in limbo- she shouldn't have to go on break- she should be working things out with you. Don't give it more than 1 week- ask her if its over or not. If she says she needs more time consider it a break up and its over. Hope this helps!!

My EX originally went away for a week but then came back after the week, packed up all her crap (I even loaded it in the van for her!! ) and said it should be longer than a week, like she was going to get a job and work up there for a while, I was trusting her. She didn't give a time frame. Why can't women be blunt and say they don't want to be with you? Maybe its because they want to keep you as a back-up. I'm sorry but you cannot be #1 to me and me be a back-up. Another indication there was someone else maybe?:rolleyes:

bjohnrupp · Dec 1, 2009, 03:03 PM

Hey newguy2009- you're exactly right. They meet swomeone new, then say "lets go on break" and put you as a back up plan and then as soon as things start going good with their new man you're done. Then they don't need you anymore- it's a safety net.

Not saying all but most girls are looking for something better. Once the relationship gets predictable and boring and the sex goes from 4 times a day to once every 2 days they start looking elsewhere.

reckless · Dec 1, 2009, 06:26 PM

Ignore her completely. Wait till the texts change from "how are you doing?" to "i miss you so much" to "I want you back." And even when you she wants you back don't immediately go running back to her. My ex broke up with me, I let her come back to me with no repercussions, then she broke up with me again. Her exact words when she wanted me back were "I want you back so much I'd bleed for you." well she didn't bleed for me and she just mistreated me again because I took her back so easily.

Your girlfriend is the one who said she wanted the break so I say go full force and give her what she said she wanted. NO RESPONSES TO ANYTHING EVER.

bluebg154 · Dec 1, 2009, 07:32 PM

Just can tell you do it asap that's what I would want

Newguy2009 · Dec 2, 2009, 08:32 AM

bjohnrupp,

I did find out she was seeing someone else and I have the proof to back it up. When I confronted her about it she ignored me. That's when I cut it off completely and went and got the car back that I gave her. (The car is in my name and I don't trust her to make the payments)

The only thing that sux now is that we own a house together and cannot refinance because the house will not appraise for full value. So now her credit will contnue to go up while I make the payments