[tweak111]

After my son's 4th relationship the girl he is going to finally marry is a lovely girl and I love her very much. He has been going with her for 3 years.

Just lately, however, (possibly in the last year) she seems to ignore me or has no regard for me when the family are together. My husband and other son and daughter-in-law have noticed and she also treats their 14 year-old son (our grandson) in the same way.

I long to find out what the matter is and am very reluctant to ask my son as I don't want to stir up trouble. He is (like myself) sensitive and I feel he would take it badly.

We have been nothing but kind to her and I'm not a vindictive person and it hurts very much. At first we had a wonderful relationship but it's just gone steadily downhill and I'm really mystified. My other d-in-law and myself get on really well without any issues.

Please help if you can, I feel sad it's going this way, and especially for my grandson, too :(

[zippit]

I would want to know how she gets along with her mother?
Has there been any rift between you and your son that she could be taking sides on?
Other than that she may just be easing back on you'r relationship she surely can tell you are tight with you'r other daughter-in-law,if there is a wedding to be planned I would not upset the apple-cart at this time.

[tweak111]

Thanks for your reply zippit:)
From what I can gather her mother is very controlling of her so perhaps that's where the problem lies, I don't know.
Actually, I get on very well with my son so there's no issues there. Perhaps as you say it could be that I'm very close to my other d-in-law which is understandable as I've known her for nearly 20 years.
No, I have no intention in putting a wedge in the works, especially before the wedding. I'm certainly not a trouble maker, in fact I avoid it at all costs! Lol

[zippit]

Well let us know how the holidays work out?
What ever it is it will surface,I wouldn't bend over backwards TRYING to please her just carry on , if there's nothing you can think of that you have done than there's nothing to feel bad about or apologise for.

[Alty]

I think you should talk to her about this. The only way to know what's going on in her mind is to ask her.

Make sure you aren't accusatory when you sit down with her. Just let her know that you've noticed that she seems a bit cold towards you and you wonder why. Also make sure to tell her how much she means to you and how much you care about her.

My mother-in-law and I had a great relationship until hubby and I actually married. Then it all went downhill. She would come over unannounced, using the key we gave her for emergencies. She'd complain about stupid little things, like the lawn furniture not being cleaned, or her poor boy not having a hot meal on the table for him when he came home from work (I worked hard and longer, made more money then him. How could I have a meal on the table for him when I didn't get home until at least 1 hour after him?) you get the picture.

I tried to resolve it but she kept making it worse. I finally broke down one Christmas when she was putting me down in front of the entire family. My husband would pull dishes out of the dishwasher for her to clean so she could feel useful. She told everyone that I was a terrible housewife because I couldn't even keep the dishes clean. I lost it! I told everyone that I was perfectly capable of doing everything at home and working and paying for everything, but my busy body mother-in-law that had no life of her own and was constantly over at our place had to have something to do, otherwise she'd start whining that her little boy didn't need her anymore, so we gave her dishes that were already clean to clean again.

It was a bad scene, but it worked.

Don't let it get to this point with your daughter-in-law. Talk to her. It's better then a scene at Christmas. ;)

[Fr_Chuck]

You know what jumped out at me was the first line, " after his 4th relationship, what does this have to do with the question, and I wonder if past relationship comparisons are made by family often??

Also what is the teens attitude toward a new partner for their dad?

But have you ever asked your son about it?

[tweak111]

You know what jumped out at me was the first line, " after his 4th relationship, what does this have to do with the question, and I wonder if past relationship comparisons are made by family often ????

Also what is the teens attitude toward a new partner for thier dad ??

But have you ever asked your son about it ??

The only reason I mentioned it was because I was so happy my son had found someone he was happy with, as he was so unhappy with his other relationships. There was no ulterior motive at all in mentioning it.

There is no problem with the teens attitude towards their new dad. The relationship between my son and the teen is uncle and nephew.

[tweak111]

well let us know how the holidays work out?
what ever it is it will surface,I wouldnt bend over backwards TRYING to please her just carry on , if theres nothing you can think of that you have done than theres nothing to feel bad about or apologise for.

Yes I will let you know.
I agree I think that's the wisest decision as I know none of us can please everyone. Perhaps her issues are other than what I think or know about.
Thanks a heap for your advice:)

[tweak111]

I think you should talk to her about this. The only way to know what's going on in her mind is to ask her.

Make sure you aren't accusatory when you sit down with her. Just let her know that you've noticed that she seems a bit cold towards you and you wonder why. Also make sure to tell her how much she means to you and how much you care about her.

My mother-in-law and I had a great relationship until hubby and I actually married. Then it all went downhill. She would come over unannounced, using the key we gave her for emergencies. She'd complain about stupid little things, like the lawn furniture not being cleaned, or her poor boy not having a hot meal on the table for him when he came home from work (I worked hard and longer, made more money then him. How could I have a meal on the table for him when I didn't get home until at least 1 hour after him?) you get the picture.

I tried to resolve it but she kept making it worse. I finally broke down one Christmas when she was putting me down in front of the entire family. My husband would pull dishes out of the dishwasher for her to clean so she could feel useful. She told everyone that I was a terrible housewife because I couldn't even keep the dishes clean. I lost it! I told everyone that I was perfectly capable of doing everything at home and working and paying for everything, but my busy body mother-in-law that had no life of her own and was constantly over at our place had to have something to do, otherwise she'd start whining that her little boy didn't need her anymore, so we gave her dishes that were already clean to clean again.

It was a bad scene, but it worked.

Don't let it get to this point with your daughter-in-law. Talk to her. It's better then a scene at Christmas. ;)

Yes, perhaps that's the best way. I hate to hurt people so it will take me some courage to do that, but ultimately it may be what I need to do.

Gee, what a hard time you had with your mother-in-law. I'm so glad it's worked out for you finally and I hope you are getting on much better now:)

[Alty]

Yes, perhaps that's the best way. I hate to hurt people so it will take me some courage to do that, but ultimately it may be what I need to do.

Gee, what a hard time you had with your mother-in-law. I'm so glad it's worked out for you finally and I hope you are getting on much better now:)

My MIL died almost 3 years ago.

Before her death we did reach an understanding and became very close. She finally realized that she didn't have to be jealous of me, that no one could take her place in her sons heart.

I miss her every day. She was a wonderful woman.

I hope that you talk to your DIL, that you can have a good relationship. It's important.

[tweak111]

My MIL died almost 3 years ago.

Before her death we did reach an understanding and became very close. She finally realized that she didn't have to be jealous of me, that no one could take her place in her sons heart.

I miss her every day. She was a wonderful woman.

I hope that you talk to your DIL, that you can have a good relationship. It's important.

Oh, that's wonderful, I'm so happy you reached that place of being good friends with your mother-in-law in the end. It's so nice to know, now that she's no longer here, that you can think of her in such glowing, positive ways:)

I had a wonderful mother-in-law so you can possibly see where I'm coming from, too. My mother was also like that to my husband and treated him like her son. What better people to emulate:)

I agree, and I long to have that relationship with my new DIL-to-be and I certainly won't jeopardize that in any way.

[Gemini54]

Do you feel confident in asking her out for a coffee or perhaps to go shopping with you to choose a dress for you? (for the wedding) I wonder if you might 're-bond' if you participated in some joint activities and made her feel special.

It may be that she feels left out because you get on so well with your other DIL, or perhaps she feels that there are other people in the family that get more attention from you.

I support Altenweg's suggestion of talking to her, but perhaps you need only do this if you see that things don't improve. I also be cautious about mentioning that you find her 'cold' as this may be misinterpreted and put her on the defensive.

I know it's hard, because I'm like you as well, but try hard not to take it personally and instead involve her in some of the things that you do which don't involve the entire family. Creating a relationship with her may hopefully shift the awkward dynamic.

[tweak111]

Do you feel confident in asking her out for a coffee or perhaps to go shopping with you to choose a dress for you? (for the wedding) I wonder if you might 're-bond' if you participated in some joint activities and made her feel special.

It may be that she feels left out because you get on so well with your other DIL, or perhaps she feels that there are other people in the family that get more attention from you.

I support Altenweg's suggestion of talking to her, but perhaps you need only do this if you see that things don't improve. I also be cautious about mentioning that you find her 'cold' as this may be misinterpreted and put her on the defensive.

I know it's hard, because I'm like you as well, but try hard not to take it personally and instead involve her in some of the things that you do which don't involve the entire family. Creating a relationship with her may hopefully shift the awkward dynamic.

Thank you, I really resonate with this and think it a great idea to ask her to go shopping with me for an outfit for the wedding.

Yes, you could be right that she feels left out. I'm usually so sensitive to that sort of thing, too, and try and make people feel part of the group. No, I wouldn't mention to her that I find her 'cold', as that would hurt her feelings, I'm quite sure.

I generally try to put myself in that other person's shoes, but I guess I just, as you say, was taking it personally and was misinterpreting the situation.

I agree, I will involve her in something that doesn't include the entire family. Am really looking forward to that so will let you know the outcome. She is away for the next 2 weeks but I will keep in touch with her.

Some really good suggestions there, so thanks again so much for your help:)

[Jake2008]

Just thinking about it from another angle here. From her perspective, maybe she is overwhelmed with wedding plans, and stressed out, not wanting to ask for help. She could be edgy around everybody, not just you and your grandson.

If she is edgy because of all the planning and stress, that you are seeing it means she is comfortable enough with you not to hide her feelings.

Why not try sending her an email, asking her if there is anything you can do to help with all the millions of chores that need to be done. Bake her a casserole, maybe a gift certificate for a manicure, or a massage. Nothing need to be expensive, but just something personal from you to show her you care how she's doing.

This may have nothing to do with you personally, especially considering that things were fine before. Assume you've done nothing wrong for now.

If it does come to something that you may have said or that she took the wrong way, it will come out eventually.

[tweak111]

Just thinking about it from another angle here. From her perspective, maybe she is overwhelmed with wedding plans, and stressed out, not wanting to ask for help. She could be edgy around everybody, not just you and your grandson.

If she is edgy because of all the planning and stress, that you are seeing it means she is comfortable enough with you not to hide her feelings.

Why not try sending her an email, asking her if there is anything you can do to help with all the millions of chores that need to be done. Bake her a casserole, maybe a gift certificate for a manicure, or a massage. Nothing need to be expensive, but just something personal from you to show her you care how she's doing.

This may have nothing to do with you personally, especially considering that things were fine before. Assume you've done nothing wrong for now.

If it does come to something that you may have said or that she took the wrong way, it will come out eventually.

Yes, you are right as I decided to ring my son and just gently put it to him of our concern about not seeing the happy girl we once knew, without being intense about it.

He said exactly what you said about being stressed, and even though the wedding isn't for 11 months she is very stressed with work, also.

As you have also said, he mentioned it was nothing personal to myself or any of the family. Having said that, I'm still not sure why she is a little "cool" towards myself and my grandson. We are both ones to try too hard, I think, though.

Yes, I agree, it would be nice to do something personal for her just to take the load from her.

Thanks to you all for all your great wisdom and advice, I really appreciate it:)

[Jake2008]

I truly hope this all works out, and that was well handled by you to your son too.

Sometimes a little act of kindness can go a long way.

All the best to you.

[Gemini54]

That's great - good relationships take time and they can have ups and downs. Patience and some personal contact with your future DIL seems to be the key. (and, trying not to take things personally)