[talaniman]

I don't know what ideas you had about what married life is about, but you did make your own choice in that, and now you are not happy, because you can't handle your reality.

Maybe some time away can give you insights, before you make another decision you will regret.

You know, we all think we marry for love, and will be happy, but the reality is marriage is a lot of hard work, and if your not up to it, then you find out quickly that just love, is never enough.

[JudyKayTee]

i want to go away from my husbands family and my parents i dont want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. i am not able to think positively and be happy i tried hard to be happy but i have hurted peoples heart so i am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.

I think it's time to close this thread - nothing is going to make OP happy and everything has been said - in my humble opinion. A total of 132 posts and we're back where we started.

I don't know if OP is happy, if her parents, his parents or her husband are happy - but she's depressing me!

[Llisa]

Sonia,

I think either you need to take tal's advice, which is be independent in order to find your own happiness. i.e. stand up for yourself and do what you think is right for you. There is a lot of accountability in this. Do you think you are strong enough to make this decision yourself and be responsible for it?

If you aren't strong enough, then I suggest you go back home to your mum, she seems willing to look after you and all your decisions. And this seems to be what you want, someone to be responsible for your happiness.

[Alty]

i want to go away from my husbands family and my parents i dont want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. i am not able to think positively and be happy i tried hard to be happy but i have hurted peoples heart so i am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.

[Jake2008]

Alty's words should be a stark wakeup call for you.

At least speak to your mother in person, be honest with what is happening. I hope she can understand and help you with even temporarily, by encouraging you to go home.

[roopali143]

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.

You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.

[roopali143]

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.

You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage

[roopali143]

Sonia,

I think either you need to take tal's advice, which is be independent in order to find your own happiness. ie stand up for yourself and do what you think is right for you. There is a lot of accountability in this. Do you think you are strong enough to make this decision yourself and be responsible for it?

If you aren't strong enough, then I suggest you go back home to your mum, she seems willing to look after you and all your decisions. And this seems to be what you want, someone to be responsible for your happiness.

You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.

[Jake2008]

Roopali, you are allowed to make mistakes in your life, just like anybody else. Maybe you should have been wiser before this all happened, maybe you should have been stronger, maybe you lacked confidence in yourself, and expected that somebody else would make your life happy and complete.

You have learned a valuable lesson that will benefit you down the road, and there are some plusses here too. You have the power to live your own life, under your own steam. You have the power to make your own decisions, and decide what direction you will lead your life in. You are the sum of all your parts so to speak, and be grateful that you do have an education, and you are more than capable of earning your own keep, without being reliant upon a husband and his family.

Divorce happens in India, you are not the first, and you won't be the last, if you go that route to establish your freedom. There are consequences of course as you are well aware, from both families. You need to decide which is worse. Staying in this place you are in now, or moving on with your own life, and hoping that someday your family will accept you for who you are.

Only you can weigh the pros and cons of staying, or going. It really boils down to those two choices. There is no middle ground.

To keep regurgitating the past and asking whether it was proper or appropriate how your marriage started, or why your inlaws are the way they are, or why traditions and expectations weigh you down with depressive thoughts, and confusion, is not going to get you anywhere. It is what it is.

Go forward, not backward. All things considered, you have a life to live. Only you can forge your own way and create your own happiness. If that means being on your own, so be it. Not everybody was cut out for an arranged marriage, or made to accept a bad marriage, or marriage at all. There is nothing in any book that says you have to live a miserable life, no matter what you decide to do.

But, please stop complaining about it. You are preventing yourself from moving forward, because you think too much about why everything is so wrong in your life. It just is, and you cannot change anybody or anything but yourself. Your expectations of life, accomplishments, and happiness are solely on your shoulders, nobody else's.

I hope that regardless of the decision you make, that you can find happiness.

[roopali143]

Roopali, you are allowed to make mistakes in your life, just like anybody else. Maybe you should have been wiser before this all happened, maybe you should have been stronger, maybe you lacked confidence in yourself, and expected that somebody else would make your life happy and complete.

You have learned a valuable lesson that will benefit you down the road, and there are some plusses here too. You have the power to live your own life, under your own steam. You have the power to make your own decisions, and decide what direction you will lead your life in. You are the sum of all your parts so to speak, and be grateful that you do have an education, and you are more than capable of earning your own keep, without being reliant upon a husband and his family.

Divorce happens in India, you are not the first, and you won't be the last, if you go that route to establish your freedom. There are consequences of course as you are well aware, from both families. You need to decide which is worse. Staying in this place you are in now, or moving on with your own life, and hoping that someday your family will accept you for who you are.

Only you can weigh the pros and cons of staying, or going. It really boils down to those two choices. There is no middle ground.

To keep regurgitating the past and asking whether or not it was proper or appropriate how your marriage started out, or why your inlaws are the way they are, or why traditions and expectations weigh you down with depressive thoughts, and confusion, is not going to get you anywhere. It is what it is.

Go forward, not backward. All things considered, you have a life to live. Only you can forge your own way and create your own happiness. If that means being on your own, so be it. Not everybody was cut out for an arranged marriage, or made to accept a bad marriage, or marriage at all. There is nothing in any book that says you have to live a miserable life, no matter what you decide to do.

But, please stop complaining about it. You are preventing yourself from moving forward, because you think too much about why everything is so wrong in your life. It just is, and you cannot change anybody or anything but yourself. Your expectations of life, accomplishments, and happiness are soley on your shoulders, nobody elses.

I hope that regardless of the decision you make, that you can find happiness.

Thanks a lot for your suggestions,
But still I am depressed and I think I will go mad, I did not listen to my mom with whom I stayed for a very long time. Now I regret for everything now. I think I am not capable for anybody I had to lead my life lonely, I did not give happiness to anybody, not to my parents and not even to my husband, I had tries to end my life, it cut my hand nerves but I was saved.

I am really fed up of my life, from the beginning of my married life I did not see any happiness. I had to spend some happy moments with my Husband but I did not get the chance instead I had to join my work after three days of my marriage. My husband with whom I did love marriage did not understand me.

Till now I did all the things for other sake and happiness and not for my happiness, I think if I hear what is good and what makes me happy if I take decision I think I will be happy with that and I will not blame anybody.

ONLY THING IS I WANT TO LEAD MY FURTHER LIFE HAPPILY AND NOT IN TENSION IF MY SITUATION BE THE SAME I SURELY WILL GET MAD OR GO UNDER DEPRESSION. I WANT TO LEAD MY LIFE AHEAD ALONE.


I ONLY WANT TO LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE AHEAD AND Don't WANT TO INTERFERE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN AND SPOIL HIS LIFE. I HAVE SPOILED HIS LIFE TILL NOW. PLEASE SUGGEST WHAT SHALL I DO.

[JudyKayTee]

Your question has been answered over and over again. Now you add information that you have already attempted suicide (at least) once.

You either aren't reading or don't understand the responses you have received. I don't think there's anything more to say.

[Jake2008]

All I can add to what I've said, and what everybody else has said, is make a decision as to what you want to do, and then just do it. It isn't impossible, or beyond your capabilities. Make a plan and carry it out. Nobody but you can decide which life you want, or make it happen for you, you have to do it yourself.

I have read of suicides in your culture because of forced marriages which is more accurate in my opinion than 'arranged' marriages, and I hope you don't see that as a way out of your misery. Waste a life over a disappointing marriage? Family problems? Not worth it.

See if you can't talk to an advisor at a University, a counsellor or women's centre. Speak to someone face to face and see if you can't find your way with a little local help from the perspective of having a better understanding of your culture. They can advise you far better than anybody here can. It is confidential and may help you make up your mind as to what to do.

I don't think anybody can help you here anymore Roopali, you need to move on and find your way, and do what you have to do to be secure in any decisions you make.

I hope you find strength to do that. All the best to you. Take care.

[Alty]

Thanks a lot for your suggestions,
But still i am depressed and i think i will go mad, i did not listen to my mom with whom i stayed for a very long time. Now i regret for everything now. I think i am not capable for anybody i had to lead my life lonely, i did not give happiness to anybody, not to my parents and not even to my husband, I had tries to end my life, it cut my hand nerves but i was saved.

i am really fed up of my life, from the beginning of my married life i did not see any happiness. I had to spend some happy moments with my Husband but i did not get the chance instead i had to join my work after three days of my marriage. my husband with whom i did love marriage did not understand me.

till now i did all the things for other sake and happiness and not for my happiness, i think if i hear what is good and what makes me happy if i take decision i think i will be happy with that and i will not blame anybody.

ONLY THING IS I WANT TO LEAD MY FURTHER LIFE HAPPILY AND NOT IN TENSION IF MY SITUATION BE THE SAME I SURELY WILL GET MAD OR GO UNDER DEPRESSION. I WANT TO LEAD MY LIFE AHEAD ALONE.


I ONLY WANT TO LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE AHEAD AND DONT WANT TO INTERFERE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN AND SPOIL HIS LIFE. I HAVE SPOILED HIS LIFE TILL NOW. PLEASE SUGGEST WHAT SHALL I DO.

Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and roses and constant happiness. You both started your married lives by going against your parents wishes, not thinking things through, hoping that everyone would be forced to accept what you wanted. It didn't work.

You started your marriage under the worst of circumstances, because you only thought about what you wanted. Now, all of a sudden, things aren't as great as you thought they'd be. Your parents aren't accepting your decision (which they told you they wouldn't) and you are stuck in a bed of nails that you yourself made.

Do you really think that divorcing your husband will make everything okay again? Will your parents take you back? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you talked to your husband? Have you tried at all to see things from his point of view? From your parents point of view? From anyone's point of view other then your own?

You seem to think that you have a right to be constantly happy. Why? No one else in the world has that right. Did you think that your husband would put you on a pedestal, worship you day and night, treat you like a princess and fulfill your every wish?

I've been married for 14 years. There are ups, there are downs. We've fought, we've had bad times. The reason we're still together is because we're a couple, we work through our problems, we don't just run from them.

The choice is yours. That's part of being an adult, making your own decisions. No one on this site can make the decision for you. I've said that all along. My advice hasn't changed. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

[roopali143]

Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and roses and constant happiness. You both started off your married lives by going against your parents wishes, not thinking things through, hoping that everyone would be forced to accept what you wanted. It didn't work.

You started your marriage under the worst of circumstances, because you only thought about what you wanted. Now, all of a sudden, things aren't as great as you thought they'd be. Your parents aren't accepting your decision (which they told you they wouldn't) and you are stuck in a bed of nails that you yourself made.

Do you really think that divorcing your husband will make everything okay again? Will your parents take you back? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you talked to your husband? Have you tried at all to see things from his point of view? From your parents point of view? From anyone's point of view other then your own?

You seem to think that you have a right to be constantly happy. Why? No one else in the world has that right. Did you think that your husband would put you on a pedestal, worship you day and night, treat you like a princess and fulfill your every wish?

I've been married for 14 years. There are ups, there are downs. We've fought, we've had bad times. The reason we're still together is because we're a couple, we work through our problems, we don't just run from them.

The choice is yours. That's part of being an adult, making your own decisions. No one on this site can make the decision for you. I've said that all along. My advice hasn't changed. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

I have talked to my parents and they are willing to take me back and agree with my decision, even my husband said me in anger to go back to my parents and be happy with them and that he made a mistake loving me and taking me to his house, he is blaming me for everything nw
I no married life is not bed of roses and I did not even think that my husband should treat me as a princess. I just wanted him to understand me, what is married life in the beginning. He did not and is not trying to understand me. I told him that because our marriage was not done in good manner and that my parents have not acepted this decision I am not good mentally and that I want to go and stay somewher for few days, but he is not ready to send me at all, I am fed up of working from the beginning of my married life without any rest or enjoyment in my life.

If I say that I will go and come to my sisters place for somedays he says that I can go but I can't think of coming back again, but I did not say that I will not come back, but he has such intensions of not taking me back, he says now if I go he will not come to take me nor c my face again. I am stuck up very badly I need some metal rest or else I think I will surely become mad. I tried to make him understand my mental condition several times but he gets angry and stops talking, what do I do now, I need help, so that I can get rest for some days. Only thing is I have made myself very strong I did not think about my parents that they would think good for me, but really telling I am not happy with my married life. From the day of marriage I am only struggling and working in my office with no hopes of life further. You tell me is this a beginning of married life, did you spend your beginning of married life in such condition, I no I did not obey my parents but I was sure that I would be happy with my husband and he will understand me and keep me happy. ANY ADVISE.

[Cat1864]

Sonia, stop thinking about the way you think things should be. Deal with things the way they are. Rest is not something you are going to get, no matter where you are, until you find acceptance for what is instead of longing for what isn't.

Accept that right now you need to work. Start a savings jar or account for you both to be able to get away on a vacation. Both of you put a small amount of money in it each day (small coins) or each pay period (maybe more). That money adds up fast if it isn't used for other things.

Make your time off work all about being with your husband physically, mentally, and emotionally. Make your house your home. Take time to look at where you are and what you can do to make yourself and your husband happy. It can show your husband that you do understand HIS mental state and needs are as important as your own.

If you are actively trying to be happy and make the marriage work, maybe he will be more open about you visiting your family. As long as all he hears is complaints, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings and thoughts, he probably is going to keep shutting you out and not listening.

Stop thinking that it is ALL about YOU. Start thinking that it is about WE or US (as in you AND your husband).

[Jake2008]

I think Judy is right, it's time to close this thread.

Roopali, make a hard copy of all the patient advice you have been given in these posts, and when you start the repeating thing, read them.

We can only offer so much, so many times, and then it starts to fall on deaf ears, as it has with you.

[J_9]

Thread closed..