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    aromero565's Avatar
    aromero565 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 8, 2006, 01:44 AM
    Should I leave
    I am married but still in love with my first husband. My first husband wants to get back together but I can't seem to leave my Husband now because I love him as well. Should I leave my husband for my first husband or stick it out
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #2

    Nov 8, 2006, 01:48 AM
    Why is he your ex husband in the first place?
    aromero565's Avatar
    aromero565 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 8, 2006, 01:51 AM
    He moved out of town to work so long distance drifted us apart and now he's back
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #4

    Nov 8, 2006, 01:57 AM
    So just because you drifted apart you married another man?
    I need more information really to help you out more. :cool:
    aromero565's Avatar
    aromero565 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 8, 2006, 02:05 AM
    He was out of town for two years and called it quits within six months that he was gone. We both decided to end it. We do have a daughter together that's why we keep in touch. While he was gone I moved on. So I met another guy now my husband in college. My first husband came back and we've been keeping in touch and realized I still loved him.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #6

    Nov 8, 2006, 02:09 AM
    Tricky situation...

    You think this throuoghly before you take an immediate action.
    Think about the pros and cons.

    Does your ex feel the same about you?
    aromero565's Avatar
    aromero565 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 8, 2006, 02:13 AM
    He does feel the same but I do have a good marriage. That's why its so hard
    aromero565's Avatar
    aromero565 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 11, 2006, 01:50 AM
    How do I get the courage to leave?
    I've been married for about 2 yrs now and have been wanting to leave my husband. We just had a baby 3 weeks ago so that's making it harder. We fight all the time and it is usually my fault because I start them. Other than that he doesn't help with the baby often and gets mad when I don't want him to go out with his friends. I'd rather him stay here with me and baby. I want to leave and get a divorce but I can't seem to get my foot out the door. I realized I must not love him unconditonally if I think like this. Im always trying to look for ways to leave him.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Nov 11, 2006, 06:21 AM
    Ok, the honey moon is over and there is no white knight on a horse.

    In general what both of you need is counseling to work out the differences.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #10

    Nov 13, 2006, 06:09 PM
    Let's see, you start fights all the time and you want to leave him, but you want him to stay home with you. I'm sure there's more to the story, but just based on what you've said, I can kind of see why he might want to get away for awhile. You sound immature and confused. If you do leave him without getting your own head straight, you will most likely fall right into another relationship that brings you back to the very same issues. For the sake of everybody involved, I hope you make the effort to work out your issues in this relationship instead of the third, fourth, or fifth one after this. I realize this doesn't respond to the question you asked, but I think a better question would be "How do I get the courage to grow up and be a good mate and parent?"
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #11

    Nov 13, 2006, 06:12 PM
    Take a deep breath, Aromero and reread everything here from the top and reconsider your options.
    unsure42's Avatar
    unsure42 Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Nov 13, 2006, 10:55 PM
    If you can't get up the corrage to leave, your not ready to leave. If the baby is your first child and you plan to break it off, do it before the child gets to old. Its hard on kids when parents get divorced, but staying together for the kid can be just as bad if your fighting all the time.
    giggles's Avatar
    giggles Posts: 143, Reputation: 27
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    #13

    Nov 13, 2006, 10:59 PM
    What age are you? You sound quite young.
    Also, are you suffering from post natal depression?
    mabu's Avatar
    mabu Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
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    #14

    Feb 10, 2010, 01:02 AM

    If you still love your husband, leaving him will make your life much harder, I suggest that you speak your pastor, or go to a counselling.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #15

    Feb 12, 2010, 07:49 PM

    Sounds like you may be having some depression. Does he abuse you? It doesn't sound like it. So he wants to go out with his friends? Let him and don't nag him all the time. Think of that sweet little baby. Grow up a little sweetie and look at all the good things about your husband.
    hoosiergirl65's Avatar
    hoosiergirl65 Posts: 27, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Feb 19, 2010, 11:55 PM

    You sound like a carbon copy of me 23 years ago. You have to ask yourself some questions: Is he good to you and the baby?
    Does he do nothing but work and then go run around?
    You sound like you're insecure and want him by yourside 24/7. And the post-partum thing, YES! I had that BAD. Not getting enough sleep just wears you down and when you're worn out everything seems worse than it is. If I were you I would find a sitter for the baby for an entire day. Go do some fun stuff, but also have your first appt. set with a specialized doctor that can help you. Whatever you do DON'T take the baby with you, this will be a distraction and you will feel as though you can't relax and talk without interuption.
    I was this way and all it got me was a lifetime of heartbreak. Been married 24 years and am getting ready to end it. 24 years, WASTED.
    So you have 2 choices: go to a therapist that can maybe help you OR get a divorce. It's black or white, not gray... Good luck and I hope you choose to stick it out BUT unlike myself get some help and be less clingy. You have hardly even gotten time to know each other in the last 2 years. I wouldn't give up this soon, or for something like PPD that will end soon and is just a bump in the road. Get to know each other's wants and needs and try your best to obtain them. Also, I don't know how much help he is, but I can't imagine raising a 3 week old on my own. Good luck Hon and let us know what happens...
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #17

    Feb 20, 2010, 06:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by hoosiergirl65 View Post
    You sound like a carbon copy of me 23 years ago. You have to ask yourself some questions: Is he good to you and the baby?
    Does he do nothing but work and then go run around?
    You sound like you're insecure and want him by yourside 24/7. And the post-partum thing, YES! I had that BAD. Not getting enough sleep just wears you down and when you're worn out everything seems worse than it is. If I were you I would find a sitter for the baby for an entire day. Go do some fun stuff, but also have your first appt. set with a specialized doctor that can help you. Whatever you do DON'T take the baby with you, this will be a distraction and you will feel as though you can't relax and talk without interuption.
    I was this way and all it got me was a lifetime of heartbreak. Been married 24 years and am getting ready to end it. 24 years, WASTED.
    So you have 2 choices: go to a therapist that can maybe help you OR get a divorce. It's black or white, not gray... Good luck and I hope you choose to stick it out BUT unlike myself get some help and be less clingy. You have hardly even gotten time to know each other in the last 2 years. I wouldn't give up this soon, or for something like PPD that will end soon and is just a bump in the road. Get to know each other's wants and needs and try your best to obtain them. Also, I don't know how much help he is, but I can't imagine raising a 3 week old on my own. Good luck Hon and let us know what happens...
    You need to step back and take a look at yourself! I agree with Hoosier on the therapy advice. If your husband is a hard worker and loves you and your child and is not abusive than I don't know what you're upset about.

    It's okay for him to see his friends, especially if you are constantly nagging. I know it's hard for you. Why don't you get your mom to baby sit have a romantic evening just the two of you. I think if you didn't love him you would have already left.
    scentedcandles's Avatar
    scentedcandles Posts: 21, Reputation: 4
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    #18

    Feb 26, 2010, 06:48 PM

    When did you first think you wanted to leave?? Did you have the child thinking it would solve any previous problems?
    I agree with the others who have recommended therapy. I can tell you that when ever my babies were 3 weeks old I couldn't make ANY sort of sane decision. Be patient... you are at a hard time right now, hormonally, adjusting with the new baby. Give it time. You'll get through it, but you need some help.
    Best of luck xxx
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #19

    Feb 26, 2010, 06:59 PM

    Listen to the advice you have been given... Blessings
    sowhatmoveon's Avatar
    sowhatmoveon Posts: 7, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Mar 5, 2010, 02:50 PM
    It is easier said then done. I read the posts in response to yours and that you have an emotional tie this person. So, it is going to be very difficult to just pick up and leave.

    I do not agree that you are not mature because you start fights. I would have to ask is this something he has told you or something that you believe is a fault of your own? Fact is that we all start fights and we all want our way. It is in all of us and has nothing to do with maturity or not. Usually when someone tells you that you aren't mature it is because they want to have their way and the only way to get it is by belittling you in the maturity arena.

    You sound like you know what you want. If you are not happy now, you are not going to be happy tomorrow, next week, next year. There will be some days when you have better days or not, but the issues are still there. And there are some issues within your relationship.

    Counseling doesn't make all of the difference either, especially when one person wants to go, applies the information and the other person doesn't act on what was heard. In order for counseling to work both parties have to be willing. Otherwise you have a one person giving their all to make the relationship work while the other does nothing to better himself/herself or the relationship.

    I don't believe that you should just be happy with someone because they go to work and love you and your child. I find it odd that someone would consider you, even you considering yourself, a nag. Usually people consider others nags when they don't want to be held accountable for their actions, so they look for someone to blame. "I am going out with my friends because you nag me." or, "I am going out because I can't take it in this house anymore." The list of berating attacks go on and on with people like this.

    For the sake of yourself and for your child, don't do what I did, stay in a relationship, get married, have a large family and continue therein hoping that one day I was going to wake up next to someone who valued me. It is not going to happen! I don't care how much you try, cry, it is NOT going to happen.

    If someone can't value enough, or the relationship enough, to help take care of the child that the both of you created, be there for you, put the family first, then I have a difficult time believing that that person is all gung-ho for the marriage or relationship anyway.

    The courage comes in just doing it. Just make some decisions. Write them on paper. Make some goals. If you can't leave because you don't have any money, maybe you could stay with your parents. But remember that people are willing to assist you in your times of difficulty if you don't appear to be wishy-washy. Don't leave and then go back. Leave and then go back. That is a surefire way to get people to keep their doors of assistance closed to you. For they would eventually feel as though they were offering you a revolving door of failure as opposed t actually assisting you to get on your feet. So, decide and then just do it.

    I know it is difficult! I am in a situation right now, but you know what... I am making it work. I am probably much older than you, and can honestly tell you that it gets easier when you actually start the process.

    So, you do what you feel you need to do. Remember that peace is what you make it and happiness and success is what you determine it to be. Trust me when I say, don't stay with a man because he has a job and he says, "I love you, babe." Don't do it! There is no fulfillment in that at all. Other than covering up issues, it won't work. Also, you keep holding him accountable to his family. It is not fair that a man can have fun making the baby and then all of a sudden he has a built in babysitter and off he goes. Why don't you leave the baby with him and go off with some girlfriends and catch a movie. I guarantee that won't continue on for any length of time. (I have been there and have been labeled as a mother who abandons her children to have fun.)

    You do what you need to do!!

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