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sizetack · Nov 7, 2006, 07:40 PM

I met this man over twenty years ago and I was already married. He and I worked together during this time and he fell in love with me. I believe I felt the same way, but I was committed to my marriage. He eventually got married, but we never stopped talking and eventually we told each other how we felt. We were both married and had children. We never did anything but talk. Now, I am divorced and he and I are talking again. He is still married, but we can't go more than two hours without talking. This love we have for each other is the strongest bond I have ever known, except with my children. I feel like a bad person because I can't stop loving him. I have never cheated on my husband and he has never cheated on his wife, but we want to be together. We don't want to hurt his wife because she is a wonderful person and they have had a pretty good marriage. My marriage was awful. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions.

shygrneyzs · Nov 7, 2006, 08:30 PM

You do not know what to do? He is married for crying out loud! So you want to become the mistress here and the other woman in this triangle? If his wife is such a wonderful woman, what does that make you? He sounds like a schmuck and if you go firther, you are too. I would let call this off before any further harm is done. Once you move on, perhaps he will get back to paying attention to his "wonderful wife", or else he will find another woman to fall for his story.

caesars charm · Nov 7, 2006, 08:43 PM

Hi sizetack. Did your marriage fall apart because you wre thinking about this other man all the time or was it gone from the start? There's a lot to consider here because it sounds like you're lonely now and all this new affection is driving you where you shouldn't go. Remember there are kids to consider and like you said a real nice woman to hurt if you start seeing each other. He may never want to leave his wife and then you're still stuck with nothing. Why don't you just remain friends and see if there is someone out there that can really make you happy.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 7, 2006, 08:54 PM

You stop talking with him completely, perilod, if and when he is ready to divorce and leave his wife and kids ( and then not hate you for it) he can come to you.

He is having both worlds and is already cheating emotionally on his wife, and it needs to stop.

If you back out of this, he will go back to his wife where he should be.

Moonbay · Nov 7, 2006, 09:10 PM

Originally Posted by sizetack

I met this man over twenty years ago and I was already married. He and I worked together during this time and he fell in love with me. I believe I felt the same way, but I was committed to my marriage. He eventually got married, but we never stopped talking and eventually we told each other how we felt. We were both married and had children. We never did anything but talk. Now, I am divorced and he and I are talking again. He is still married, but we can't go more than two hours without talking. This love we have for each other is the strongest bond I have ever known, except with my children. I feel like a bad person because I can't stop loving him. I have never cheated on my husband and he has never cheated on his wife, but we want to be together. We don't want to hurt his wife because she is a wonderful person and they have had a pretty good marriage. My marriage was awful. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice one love for another. If he leaves his wife for you, imagine her heartbreak. I had a friend that had a breakdown for the reason of his wife leaving him for another man. You have to put yourself in her shoes to know the pain she would feel.

cotton_c4ndy · Nov 7, 2006, 09:50 PM

the greatest thing in life is to be love and loving back. Is it?
I completely agree.. that when your in this condition... u won't think that being in love with a married man is a complete sin or whatever it is, right?
first of all.. u have to know the difference between love and lust... some people.. even lots of people.. has misunderstanding between those two.. and that's the most important part!
lust = 1) Intense or unrestrained sexual craving, or 2) An overwhelming desire or craving. While love = love without condition, motive or attachment. See what I mean?

look within yourself.. I know its damn hard... but which is you? Lust or love?
its true that love will always lead to lust... but lust will not always lead to love...

do u have a motive towards him?
do u said that u love him but u never think of his position within his own family?

think clearly... ur a moral example for your children... I quote this from Silent Hill's movie, that a mother is a God in the eyes of her children.

u can do it...

Skell · Nov 7, 2006, 10:01 PM

He is married.

I don't think he will leave his wife and kids for you if you what you are saying is true and he has a good marriage.

Stop contacting him. Get out of his life. Move on from your marriage. Find another man who isn't married.

At the moment you are contributing to this man emotionally cheating on his wife.

I don't have any sympathy for you sorry.

Please leave this man alone.

IF he ever gets a divorce then you can see what happens. Until then stay away from another women's husband!

Krs · Nov 8, 2006, 03:41 AM

The best thing to do is STOP talking to him until he is divorced. Its not fair on his wife, he needs to sort himself out.

talaniman · Nov 8, 2006, 11:13 AM

You need to break off contact since you have no respect for the boundries of marriage. Get your life together and enjoy being single and let go of the need to be selfish and intrude on someone else's husband. You are so wrong and I hope you can see that you need to get a life and leave his alone.

chuff · Nov 8, 2006, 01:53 PM

Actually he is cheating on his wife right now. He's emotionally cheating and you're his emotional mistress.

The truth is if you wound up with this guy you probably would be disapointed because you've built him up so high in your mind.

As Wildcat always says people want what they cannot have.

sizetack · Nov 8, 2006, 03:14 PM

First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.

sizetack

J_9 · Nov 8, 2006, 03:30 PM

How to end this without being mean...

You need to let him know that the two ofyou are committing emotional adultry. That, while you understand his feelings, you cannot be part of the fraud that is his marriage. If and when he ever gets a divorce, you may reconsider your decision. But in good conscience you cannot continue to have this affair.

Yes, your children are grown, but just because they are grown they do still have feelings.

Understand that his children will resent him and most likely hate you when they find out. And believe me, they will. Most likely your adult children will end up being ashamed of you.

We are not trying to spew venom here, but you came in and asked a question about adultry and expected us to be on your side, the side of the adultress. We are all for marriage here and try to help people like his wife keep their marriages in tact if at all possible.

Just think, you could be giving his wife advice about saving her marriage from the other woman without even realizing it.

SINGLE4 · Nov 8, 2006, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by sizetack

First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.

sizetack

First of all, you started seeing this man when you were married. I understand that you had a bad marriage and I feel for you there but getting emotional involved with someone else was not the way to go! (Two wrongs don't make a right) If he knew you had such a bad marriage then why did he eventually marry someone knowing that you would be leaving your husband soon?

You say this man's marriage is also rocky. Why is he still married then? There is only one way to end a marriage and that is by sitting down with your spouse and letting them know that you're not happy in the marriage. There is no "easy" way to break off a marriage.

I haven't been in your position but what yous are doing is morally wrong! I don't know if you or him are at all christians but you will have to answer to "the big guy" someday. Are you prepared to explain yourself?

Bottom line... if he is that unhappy in the marriage, he would leave. If he cared for you that much then he would be with you!

There is only one way to end this. You need to tell him that yous need to stay apart until (or if) he gets divorced. You may be surprised at his decision. Only time will tell.

sizetack · Nov 8, 2006, 03:46 PM

It is easy to judge others. I believe in marriage as well. I was married twenty three years. I am a christian woman that was raised by christian parents who were married over forty years. I would have never dreamed that I would have ever been in this position. You are right I did ask for advice, but I didn't want you to side with me. I know this is wrong, but I wanted advice as to how to get over this and move on. Instead, I have been called names and told that I do not respect marriage. Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation. I understand your position and I agree with it--that is why I posted. I wanted to see how other people have dealt with this. It isn't as easy as you think. Emotions are not something that you can just quit having. I have tried for twenty years to suppress my feelings and so has he. We stayed married, didn't talk, and rarely saw each other. Our spouses knew we were very close and we were very respectful of their feelings and denied any feelings we had for each other. The near death experience has just caused us to feel the need to connect again. We are not bad people. We are just two people that have always had deep feelings for one another. We can't explain it and if I could shut it off I would, believe me. I don't want to live this way. I know God has a plan for me. I just wanted someone to help me with getting out and getting over, because I haven't been able to do that on my own.

sizetack

SINGLE4 · Nov 8, 2006, 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by sizetack

Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation.

You're right... we haven't been in your position because we don't believe in it! "Temptation" lerks everywhere. It is whether you give into it!

Do you have a close girlfriend that can help you through this? You need support from your "good" friends.

The only way to end this relationship is... to tell him that what yous are doing is wrong and that you need space. You will be okay down the road. It will be hard but you need to learn to respect yourself! You deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone that is NOT married. Time will heal!

Skell · Nov 8, 2006, 04:12 PM

Ok the best advice on how to get over this and move on will be the same as we give anyone who ends a relationship.

Completely cut all contact. No contact at all ever again.

Lean on friends and family. Live a healthy and balanced life. Go to they gym, improve yourself as a person etc etc.

Please read the many many other threads on the relationship board where people have asked how to get over someone.

You will find loads of helpful advice.

Good luck!

ordinaryguy · Nov 8, 2006, 04:36 PM

It isn't being mean to end it decisively and clearly. Maybe we all misinterpreted your post, but it didn't seem obvious that you had in fact firmly decided to end it and simply wanted help getting over it. It sounded more like you wanted to explain why you couldn't just end it an move on. Please forgive us if we misunderstood.

Wildcat21 · Nov 8, 2006, 05:22 PM

STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY!! You start talking with him WHEN the divorce papers are signed.

Think about his wife!! You're being VERY SELFISH HERE.

You like him now becaue he is unavailable.

I bet $1 million he doesn't get this divorce and is looking to use you for some excitement. Many married men WILL lie, cheat ans steal to be wit hanother women.

No contact with this guy unless he HAS a divorce - not a lie where he says he getting one.

I've never been in your positin because I know better. This is cheating - even emotional cheatin gis wrong.

Two things to do - would you ever tell your parents about this? Could you tel lhis wife this yourself?

It's wrong - get over it until he has the divorce.

Amythest · Nov 8, 2006, 05:46 PM

I think if you truly loved this man, then you would want him to be happy and want what is best for him, which is his wife and his children. It must really suck to have fallen for a man you can never truly have, there are plenty of men in this world... just think how you'd feel.

Amythest · Nov 8, 2006, 06:02 PM

Years ago I fell in this trap but it was only as a boyfreind/girlfreind relationship... I wish I could take back that decision to this day... and with marriage and children it is even more severe... trst me when I tell you I know it is hard but you have got to, especially if you really love this man, not let this continue... The best way to get ovet this is to move on... easier said than done, but you got to stop talking to him if it just stirs these up more, a thing my mom told me, IF you find yourslef feeling for another man tell your husband it has a way killing the seed, the more you keep it a secret the more the seed grows and the more it gorws the more likey you will be to commit it... IF you want help ending this, then tell his wife you have feelings for her husband... she will help you end the relationship... I think this man need to tell his wife...
I think the wife needs to know... maybe that's is stupid but serioulsy am I alone in thinking this wife needs to know what is going on here... maybe not... anyways you got to force yourself to break contact. The feelings may never go away, but you got to move on... this is not a road you want to travel down, you will end up hating yourself and it will affect your spiritual life... You do not want God's wrath on you for destroying a marriage, you do not want to be killed like jesabel. Tell satan to shut up and leave you alone, and go pray about this with a trusted prayer warrior friend. ( I gave tehchristian side of advice since you said you were christian)