[tiki33]

I am engaged to a man who had the misfortune of marrying a woman who is in this country illegally from Canada... can you believe that, Canada no less! When he married her she had three little kids (all born here) and he had another with her... what a smart guy, huh? He caught her with another guy in 1998 and left. They have been separated ever since and have a child visitation order in place since 1999, but they are not divorced.

Anyway, she doesn't have a social security number or green card, but she has managed to get a driver license, section 8 housing assistance, food stamps, welfare, child support from my fiancé for the youngest child, plus over the years she's worked off the books and is currently working on the books using one of her children's social security numbers!!

I am so fed up with this cow that I am about to lower the boom! I'm about to report her to every agency that she's defrauding including the IRS, DMV, SSA, HUD, etc. My question is, how liable will my fiancé be for her indiscretions? They have been separated since 1999 but they are not divorced. My fiancé has a green card, has been in this country legally for 20 years, but is not a citizen.

[clf46]

I would RUN - not walk - away from this situation... it sounds like a no-win situation. I am sorry for your situation.

[tiki33]

Thanks for being sorry for me, but, why should I run? Am I liable for HER indiscretions as his fiancée? I'm trying to find out if HE is. There's a reason I'm his Fiancée not his WIFE!

[bhayne]

This woman sounds like bad news. Just goes to show some of the leaches in Canada.

Most likely, she has been watching Judge Judy and every other court program for the last 7 years in the US and a decade more in Canada. She knows how the system works better than most lawyers and how to use and abuse the system.

If you get attached to this man, you will be attached to this woman until his child is 18. Are you prepared for that?

[tiki33]

Oh you've got that right, bhayne! She's a graduate from the University of TV Judges and Social Service Agencies all right. And she's had more than 7 yrs in the US to hone her craft... 7 years ago is just when my dummy (said affectionately, of course) hooked up with her. She's been here for at least 14 yrs... ducking and dodging and bleeding the system.

Anyway, no I am NOT prepared to have this leech in my life for the next 8 years, which is why I'm trying to do my part to get her out of here, or else there will be no progression from fiancee--->wife. But my question is if they catch up with her, do you think HE'LL be held responsible for all the entitlements she's illegally helped herself too?

I mean, so what if they deport her, we'd gladly take his child, but will they make HIM pay back those agencies

[clf46]

Just a couple of points:

First of all, I thought your message said your fiancée was also an ILLEGAL - that's why I said "run don't walk"...

Was your fiancée aware of this woman's activities and also benefited from the "perks" she obtained? I'm not a lawyer, but I'd certainly advise you and your fiancée to have a consultation with one to find out what your liabilites may be.

And there is an innocent child involved. While you may only be financially obligated until the child is 18 (longer if she goes to college) - your fiancée and his estranged wife will always be connected because of the child. Forever. The emotional obligation never ends.

But bottom line, see a lawyer and find out what you're dealing with (in the legal sense). Then you'll know better how to proceed.

I wish you the best of luck. This is not an unsurmountable (sp?) problem. If you really love each other, you'll find a way to make it work.

[Fr_Chuck]

Unless he is signing for or helping her with all of this, he would not be responsible,

But also don't get too excited that any of these people will even get excited or even do an investigation. Maybe they will but from my experience they won't get too concerned.

And don't expect the INS to deport her, most likely they won't even look for her. Even if she gets arrested, normally they are just released and INS does nothing, we have had one illegal here in Nashville arrested 4 times, before he finally filled someone, and INS still has not gotten invovled.

And no in many cases you don't have to be a citizen to get a lot of that great welfare, and if you complain you are called a racist. Believe me I have tried, they feel I am the most bigot in the US at our social service department because of my complaints on illegals receiving welfare.

Depending on how your state law is written even though she is illegal resident of the US, she can still collect all sorts of welfare.

Her working on someone else's social number also is very common and my get her kicked off her welfare but don't expect them to charge her.

Her EX needs to hire that attorney today if he does not have one and file for divorce, report her ifyou want, but again.

Now of course if he is such a loser for hooking up with this lady and still have not gotten a divorce , I think what the other people are asking in their own ways, what do you want him for ?

With that said, have him merey pick his child up for visits if he does, pay his child support, which he has to ( the child would be a legal citizen, so he pays his child support) and you two move on with your lives.

The more you worry and get upset about his ex, the worst your relationship will be. Forget her and move on.

[tiki33]

Fr_Chuck, you are amazing. You really know how to put everything in perspective and always tie up the loose ends in a pertinent bundle.

My fiancé is a very decent guy. He came to this country with nothing but his work ethic. He was "filed for" by his Dad and has been a legal resident since his feet touched this soil. But he is naïve, marshmallowy and suffers from the superman complex... he thought he could come in, swoop down and rescue this woman and her two little kids... then he had another one with her.

He is soooo soft and feels that if the world was full of people like him it would be a better place... because no one would ever argue. In the dictionary next to the word non-confrontational is his picture!

Yes, he works hard everyday and pays his child support, has never been in arrears and of course provides health insurance for his child. He claims he's never divorced her because he didn't have the money... THAT lame excuse. And I NEVER will pay for his divorce... that WON'T be happening.

You certainly speak what you know in that I have reported her to SSA, IRS and section 8 and NOTHING has been done. I guess they have bigger fish to fry. But now, I've found out EXACTLY what I have to do to get them to take notice... and before I do THAT I wanted to see if the hammer would come down on my fiancé, too.

And as far as being called a racist, the folks chanting that tune can put that where?? Back there!. because me, my fiancé and the Canadian are ALL the same color! (though different ethnicities)


As for clf46's question about whether my fiancé benefitted from the perks she obtained... I don't really know. They were legally married, he worked three jobs to support them and she stayed home with the babies. They were together 2 years, if that, and she never attempted to get her "papers" as they call it. He now thinks she may have a record or some other reason why she has never tried to "legalize" herself. The guy she got caught with (by my fiance) was a CITIZEN of the US. They stayed together for 7 yrs and she STILL never attempted to get legal (by initiating a divorce)... so there's probably more to this than meets the eye.

In any event, I really appreciate all your advice. All your points are very well taken. I love my fiance's child and his two step kids... couldn't love them any more if they were my own. I bend over backward to make this untenable situation work, but I am nearing a crossroads.

I'm in a very good place in my life right now and I'm not about to let anyone ruin it.

[clf46]

I can tell you are a STRONG woman and you will make it, no matter what your decision!

[giggles]

Woah!
"man who had the misfortune of marrying a woman who is in this country illegally "
This wasn't just like someone catching a cold, he chose to marry this woman. And yes,the repercussions have had a terrible knock-on effect, but it appears more for you than anyone else.

"But now, I've found out EXACTLY what I have to do to get them to take notice... and before I do THAT I wanted to see if the hammer would come down on my fiancé."
It sounds like the person you most want to take notice of this situation is your "marshmallowy" husband to be. It's his mess, why not let him sort it out? If he's as non-confrontational as you say, will you always be content to take control of his situations, or will it continue to wind you up as this one-off situation does? As wacky as this mistake of his was, it's still indication of his laid back character that he hasn't done all this reporting and whistle-blowing - it's YOU. So, in future instances, it's likely to be YOU calling the shots and getting all het up because things aren't done a certain way. Just be careful you're not setting yourself up for disappointment within this marriage. You sound very much in love, but I see the real issue here is that he isn't sorting out his own fallout.

It's his place to clear the decks to welcome you to a marriage with him. At the moment, you are forcing the issue as you want things to be legally ironed out. I would call on HIM to set up a meeting with a lawyer to see where the land lies. Your ex is very unlikely to be at risk of any penalty, but I really feel it's unfair on you to be carrying all the strain of this situation. Yes, this woman sounds like a horrible character, but urge him to put the situation in the past so you can move on together. This isn't your battle.

[giggles]

Woah!
"man who had the misfortune of marrying a woman who is in this country illegally "
This wasn't just like someone catching a cold, he chose to marry this woman. And yes,the repercussions have had a terrible knock-on effect, but it appears more for you than anyone else.

"But now, I've found out EXACTLY what I have to do to get them to take notice... and before I do THAT I wanted to see if the hammer would come down on my fiancé."
It sounds like the person you most want to take notice of this situation is your "marshmallowy" husband to be. It's his mess, why not let him sort it out? If he's as non-confrontational as you say, will you always be content to take control of his situations, or will it continue to wind you up as this one-off situation does? As wacky as this mistake of his was, it's still indication of his laid back character that he hasn't done all this reporting and whistle-blowing - it's YOU. So, in future instances, it's likely to be YOU calling the shots and getting all het up because things aren't done a certain way. Just be careful you're not setting yourself up for disappointment within this marriage. You sound very much in love, but i see the real issue here is that he isn't sorting out his own fallout.

It's his place to clear the decks to welcome you to a marriage with him. At the moment, you are forcing the issue as you want things to be legally ironed out. I would call on HIM to set up a meeting with a lawyer to see where the land lies. Your ex is very unlikely to be at risk of any penalty, but I really feel it's unfair on you to be carrying all the strain of this situation. Yes, this woman sounds like a horrible character, but urge him to put the situation in the past so you can move on together. This isn't your battle. By all means report her if you like, but is that not your way of taking control and "punishing" her? If he was actively trying to divorce her, would you have such venom for her sponging ways? I hope it works out for you, I really do.

[tiki33]

Without delving too deeply,giggles, I have always been a caretaker. I take care of people by profession. I have never been a fan of seeing people walked on and taken advantage of... any people, be they people close to me or be they strangers. And I'm also not the kind of person who can look away as that's being done.

Yes, I have chosen to fight this battle, for a man who has but one major flaw... he'd rather we "all just get along", and that goes for even those who've wronged him. He's nice to those who are nice to him and nicer to those who are not.

I've never been like that and it's too late for me to change now. And rather than try to make HIM put on uncomfortable clothes, I'll wear those clothes for him... because they fit me just fine!

He loves me and I love him... as he's never been loved before, completely and from the deepest place in my soul. And whether I stay with him as his fiancée, eventually become his wife or whether our union never comes to fruition at all, he will know that I was the kind of woman in his life whom, when he couldn't fight the big battle, chose to fight it for him!

Thanks for your advice.