[pfanatic]

First of all, I'm not againts porn, I do watch it too. My boyfriend does it also. Problem for me is when he watches it right next to me, in my own bed, while I'm asleep. I've seen a dozen of times porn sites, and clips of sexy dressed women, in my computer browsing history. I've confronted him once I woke up in the middle of the night and he was on his side of a bed with a bunch of porn going on. I've told him I do not want him to watch it while he's with me in my bed. He can watch it at his place when I'm not there. Otherwise we'll watch it together. He became defensive but promised it won't happened again and he'll reduce the amout of watching it.

Since the trust was already low in our relationship, thanks to his mistakes, I needed him not to break this promise. Just today, right after he woke me up to have sex, and we had it, I found out he watched it again. I confronted him again and he said it was just a few sites, no biggy. I've told him it's about the trust and all, and he just said I'm overreacting. He could've deleted the history but he didn't want to hide it from me. He said he didn't actually watched it, he just crossed over them in a few minutes.

I'm sick of this. We've been together for 2 years and he still does the things that he knows they annoy me. Is this a valid reason for a breakup? And should I do it, even though I love him and he says he's trying and is sorry.

Help please. Is he an addict? He says we have a great sex and there's no lack of it.

[liz28]

If your going keep arguing over him watching porn then maybe you need to find someone else. You have a problem with him watching it at your house while your asleep but he keeps doing it anyway. Look at it this way, at least he isn't out cheating on you. You have to decide what you want to do and if this relationship is worth having.

If he admitted he is addicted to porn then maybe he can join a support group but it is going take time and won't happen over night.

[Gemini54]

Well it's not like you're saying don't watch porn - you're saying don't watch it while you're in bed with me. I think that's reasonable. You could be saying don't smoke while you're in bed with me and that would be entirely reasonable as well.

First of all, if he can't control his porn viewing to the point where he has to watch it in bed while you're asleep, then he's got an issue. Secondly, if he is specifically doing something that you've asked him not to do because it bothers you, then that's the real problem. He's not listening and putting his 'need' for porn ahead of your very reasonable request not to watch it while you're both in bed.

He says he's sorry and he's really trying - well ask him to prove it. Get rid of the lap top. Put it in a another room. Bed is for sleeping and real sex. Get his personal porn out into another room.

You say you can't trust him and that he annoys you but the sex is great. Clearly there are other issues as well.

I guess ultimately you need to decide - which is more important, trust or good sex?

[pfanatic]

Threads merged for the whole story

First of all, I'm pretty, there's nothing bad or wrong about the way I look, dress, do my hair or whatever. I used to be very self-confident until my boyfriend starting making coments about almost everything about my appearance.
It's not that I never wear dresses, skirts, high heels and so on, it's just that I dress like that on a night out, and during the day while I'm bussy, it's easier to wear jeans and shirts and little or no makeup (as I'm young and don't really need it). He wants me to wear sexy things all the time. Just today, he complained about the color of my nails!

No matter how much I try, he always says something like, oh your hair looked better on that picture. I mean, it's soooo annoying and he knows it. He can't help himself.
Could he be gay or something? I honestly doubt it, but clothes and make up is such a fetish for him that he tries my stuff on, he tired my bra! He has nothing againts me getting his nails done! Omg! He said if he was a woman he would wear and change in the pretty clothes all the time.

Even though I am good looking, I sometimes feel ugly or not good enough because he's never satisfied with me whatever I dress. He compliments me, and than says I could try this and that next time.
Help, I'm going nuts, and please don't laugh!

[redhed35]

I'm not laughing.

He is chipping away at your confidence and self esteam..

Does he look hot and sexy ALL the time!

Like you I have a 'uniform' on my days off,jeans t-shirt boots... I would get very strange looks in the supermarket if I dressed up in my sexy gear going shopping for bread and milk.. its just not practical..

Tell him you will get your hair done everyday if he is paying for it!

You are who you are, I would be asking him if he is having such a problem with how you look ,dress,etc that perhaps he should move on to someone who is interested in his B.S!

[pfanatic]

you are who you are, i would be asking him if he is having such a problem with how you look ,dress,ect that perhaps he should move on to someone who is interested in his B.S!

That's what I've told him exactly! Then he apologies and says he likes me the way I am, BUT... he's very visual and blah blah.
It's gotten to the point I'm feeling threatened by other girls. Not by the prettier ones, but the better dressed ones, because I know he's checking them out. And I'm so much more than just stupid clothes!
He's a good and a smart guy besides his silly obsession. I don't know how to handle it anymore. It's not a reason to dump him, but I'm sick to my stomach by all that already.

[Jayjay027]

Hmm... this doesn't sound good.

It sounds as though he is purposely trying to make you feel low about yourself, and men who try to rid you of yourself confidence are the ones you should stay well away from.

You should be with a man who loves you for you, and thinks you look hot all the time. My ex always told me I was beautiful first thing in the morning, and with no make up on and at the gym etc.. because he just wanted me to feel good about myself, he wanted to build my confidence up, not pick at everything about me!

Changes need to be made, otherwise you are going to have absolutely no confidence in yourself, and will find yourself relying on him too much to stay with you - and that is not a healthy relationship!

[xcarleex]

Perhaps he's got a passion for fashion lol
You should dress the way you like not the way he wnts you to look.
Perhaps you do look really nice and he feels threatened that your going to attract some male attention, so he will do anything in his power not to show he is jelous but to style it out in a different way! Or maybe like you said he likes to try things on.. he's jelous of u ! Because he can't dress like that!

[slapshot_oi]

it's not a reason to dump him, but i'm sick to my stomach by all that already.

If it's making you sick, then sure it is. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

[2ndTime]

He wants to see if he can control you. If you give in, you will not only lose how you look, but you will also lose your self-confidence. Have a talk with him and tell him that he's just going to have to accept you as you are and if he can't do that, then he's just going to have to find someone else. My mom married my dad and spent her whole life listening to his complain about how she should dress, what she should eat, and how she should act. She's in her late 50's still listening to his complaint and no self-esteem (she can't even go grocery shopping by her self). She also decided to completely give up dressing up for herself because she's tired of listening to my dad.

[artlady]

If all he sees when you are together is a pretty face and your make-up,he is being very superficial.

Sounds like he wants a trophy instead of a real person.

Are you there just to make him feel good about his own inadequacies?

I would tell him either he puts the brakes on his hurtful comments and petty judgments or you are going to walk.

He liked you just fine to hook up with you in the beginning and his critical attitude may be something more than what it seems on the surface.

[tara1]

Sounds like he wants a trophy instead of a real person.

This seems correct here.

IMO this attitude of him would be hard to change, and might be a slow and painful process.

[itried]

I think this is the flipside of a guy who doesn't compliment and take notice of what his woman wears and looks like all the time. Just like a woman absolutely loves to buy her man clothes and suggest outfits for her man, it seems like your boyfriend has developed an interest in your attire and accessories in a way that parallels that.

You never mentioned that he takes shots at your physical characteristics but instead nit picks your clothing and makeup. Because of this it seems that yourself esteem is taking an unnecessary beating (however, it may be you who is being sensitive). After all, he's not saying you're fat or full of zits or have cellulite or asking you to hit the treadmill, is he? It seems like he just likes it when you look sexy. I'm sure that you enjoy him looking his best too.

You said he does compliment you so he doesn't sound too bad. It doesn't sound like his comments are put downs either. Before jumping to conclusions about his true feelings I think we need a little bit more info before we characterize him as a jack---.

I know I loved it when my girl would get all dressed up and look sexy but I never wanted her to look like that all the time, but that's just my preference because I like a more casual, subdued beauty. His preference may be different and he's just voicing it (to an extreme level). Ask him to tone it down a little bit. Your self-esteem really shouldn't be taking a beating due to this.

The thing about him wearing your bras and crap. That's just weird, but maybe it's a fetish or something.

[Fr_Chuck]

He is mentally abusing you, he is driving all of your strengh and will soon use this to have control over you in more and more.

You need to stand up to him, and in may opinion tell him to hit the road if he has anymore 'BUTS")

[Silver Lining]

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I weigh 73kgs. Still my hubby says I look beautiful and sexy. Beautiful.. I can agree on that. Like many preggies, I don look tired, I don have dark circles etc. but sexy? That's a bit too much. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, he called me beautiful and sexy. I NEVER wear makeup except for weddings and other big functions/get-together. I like simple clothing which I feel comfortable in. still he thinks m sexy. He makes me feel pretty and sexy every day.


Everyone is beautiful in their own way. All you need is the confidence and belief that you are pretty. If your guy says you look better with some sexy clothes, I think he needs to change his way of thinking. Even a baggy jeans and XXXL t-shirt looks pretty on anyone if you feel pretty from inside your heart.

[Silver Lining]

He is mentally abusing you, he is driving all of your strengh and will soon use this to have control over you in more and more.

You need to stand up to him, and in may opinion tell him to hit the road if he has anymore 'BUTS")

Fr_Chunk,, you need to think again. If someone says your wrong, there mite be chances that you really are wrong.
Some guys don know how to compliment. They compare by the way different looks and give their opinion. That doesn't mean mental abuse.

Like every coin that has 2 faces, there r 2 ways of thinking. Its better to think positive, don you think..

pfanatic, ur beautiful, remember that always. Don let some guy tell you otherwise.

[2ndTime]

It sounds like he maybe a closet case. He maybe ignoring his feelings of homosexuality or trans sexuality. How else would you explain him trying on your bra?

[rockie100]

You need to feel free to dress however you want, whenever you want. Im sure there are things about him that aren't perfect. Do you try to call him out? No... because you probably are considerate enough not to. He isn't thinking of you, he is only thinking of his needs and wants. Talk to him about compromise. Ask him if it would be a 'deal breaker' if you only wanted to dress for him on occasion, not everyday. If it turns out to be a big deal, he isn't into you. He is just trying to make himself be into you.

[pfanatic]

Thank you all for replying! I need to think about your comments and figure out which ones are true. As it's always hard to see the situation as it is when you're in it.

Sure, he could have a passion for fasion. Does he have it for himself, I mean for men's clothes? no. he looks nice, but nothing special, far away from that to be honest. I've never asked him to change any single thing about his looks. But I do want to change his obsession about the beautiful sexy clothes as I think it's getting of limits. My self-esteem is quite gone after trying to fulfil his needs and wishes since the beginning of our relationship. Not to say, when we have sex, I'm all dressed up and rarely ever naked!
At first I though, why not, there's nothing wrong in trying be super beautiful, and I have a boyfriend who is OK with me looking sexy. He's self-confident and trusts me and is not controlling asking not to wear revealing clothes, as he has no fear of lossing me. He is not jealous, thank god! But if he's jealous of me! That's not normal. Besides, discovering you're gay being 30, I don't think so.

He's also not superficial as it absolutely seems, he's quite deep in fact. It's ridiculous to breakup because of wanting me to look my best. Is this abuse? I'm really confused. Sometimes it feels like it. Why would I feel bad lately? I could be oversensitive, true.

To answer you, it seems he's into me, besides being with me over 2 years. I said to him to find a girl who's willing to be sexy 24/7, he doesn't want that and doesn't want to let me go.
And the other question did he make remarks on my body, face, anything besides my clothes. Yes of course, my weight. Not to sound full of myself, but I do look like a model, he just wish me to have a larger butt and boobs. It made me feel very aware of parts of my body as I don't look perfect to him, but I do look perfect for myself so he can go and f*** himself! (sorry guys)

I've told him I'll end up cheating on him or falling in love with someone who accepts and loves me for who I am, whatever I look like or wear at the moment. He's pushing me away with his demands. First he got really defensive on that, and said his comments are said to light me up (but that humor hurts, especially being compared to the girls who walk by, it's not excuse for not knowing how to make a compliment), and then he got worried and was all over me saying he's sorry and he'll stop.
Which I doubt, but we'll see what happens from here.

[pfanatic]

Long story short. He broke a promise, the one he's already broken. He just forgot about it. What's behind the promise is not important for now.
However I can't trust him after that. It's been two weeks without sex and it's the longest time in two years we hadn't have any. I just can't as I don't find him that attractive anymore. Left alone I do have a sex drive.
He told me he can't even masturbate anymore and he's always had a very high sex drive. Must be we're both feeling guilty.
Should we "force" love making? Maybe things'll get better like that. For the last half month it feels like we're friends and there's a distance between us. Any suggestions please?