[Nestorian]

Ok, so here it is.

I got a beautiful and amazing women pregnant, but she loved some one else, so she left me for him. We didn't know she was pregnant at that time. Then a month later she told me she was pregnant. She told me she'd keep me informed, and involved. She didn't as her Bf of the time forbid she see, talk or think anything to do with me. So, I was just cut out of the situation entirely. With out a word. I Knew what had happened as she had told me how much he hates me... So out of fear I let it be as I was in no position, I could have been if the need arose, to take care of a women and child. I entrusted to them the child that may or may not be mine. Well about a year and ahalf passed and she went swimming with my brother's ex and my nieces and nephew. I tagged along and she and I talked for a time at the pool. Then we were leaving and talking out side the pool. Her BF of the time called her, asked where she was and then she said she'd be home soon. She hung up and we talked a little more. Then he showed up and didn't seem happy at all. I left as I didn't know what I could do, I didn't want to break them up, nor put her and the child at risk for any kind of abuse.

She left him that day, and the next we hung out. She asked if she could kiss me, and I asked if she was sure she was over him, and that she didn't want to be alone for a time. She assured me she was over him along time ago and didn't need any time. Well, then for two months we were blissfully in love. Then on the third month I got very sick, as the baby came from the other guy's place sick, and I caught it. I had the worst case of the squirts, and I was pukeing so much my bipolar meds wouldn't stay down. So I became depressed/moody for three weeks. She asked me to leave, move out as I pretty much moved in the day after he left. I decided I needed time to get back to myself and she agreed we both needed time alone. She had the ex in her bed two nights later. A week later the paternaty test came back and I found out I am a father. :rolleyes: I ronic really, I laugh about it still. What are the odds eh! So we work out name changes and such, and parental obligations. I promised I'd pay her the 380 that the other guy should have, but didn't, and I would be there for her any time. I kept my word, and I told her, "First and for most I'm your friend." As she like to talk to me about her ex, that she loves so much. The guy she is sleeping with but "not seeing/ dating". So I try to tell her, it's natural to do such things for some one you love as much as you love him. Mean while I'm torn and in agonizing pain to the point that, I threw up the other day when she was at my place picking up our daughter. Stress is a powerful emotion.

I found her tires for her car, not just lame crap tires either. These were studed, winter tires on rims. This took a lot of effort and energy. I then took her summer tires off, and put them on her car, with an infected Knee that I couldn't really walk on, it was more of a hop-along thing. Man I was really fubar with that knee like that. It hurt so bad one night I went to the hospital, it was so gross too. It looked like a big crater in my skin, and then three very odd puss filled tunnels. Haha, so sick. Hurt like hell when I tried to push out the puss. I had to have my mouth guard I use for Mixed Martial Arts in my mouth so I could bit down hard on it. It was actually kind of facinating really. Sorry, human anatomy is interesting to me. Right back to the tires, I paid $250 for them after giving her 250 for groceries. I didn't have money to buy any thing, just to pay bills. She didn't even look at me when she said Thank you, and it was so fast I didn't even know if that's what she really said...

She then realised she didn't have enough for rent so she posted that she needed more money so I promptly drove to her place and gave her $40 more. To wich she said thank you, and that she felt bad that she needed the money. To which I replied, "Family is family and we are till death do us part family. We have a child together and you are always going to be my partner in our daughter's life." I then left. Later that week she told me she borrowed money form her mother to buy a halloween costume. I had to put more than $500 on my credit card to help her and she made me look like a prick but asking others for money.

Then her fainting spells. She gets bad anxiety/panic attacks and faints at any given moment. Some times there is a few minutes warning but others she is just out. I told her to call me if this happens. She texted me one night and I drove over right away. I got to her place and thank god the front door was open, and the door to her place. She has a shared entrence. Any who, she was passed out on the floor, very pale, kind of blue tinge, and very cold. I checked to make sure she was breathing OK, and her heart was beating. I made sure she didn't have any injuries. Then I picked her up and took her to her room. I put her in her bed covered her. Got her water and gave her the water as best I could. Then, in a half conscious and unconscious state, she asked if I could warm her up. So I stripped down to my boxers, and jumped in with her. She was damn cold to the point I was worried she would need to be taken to the hospital. I lay with her for an hour or more. Then she said she needed to go to the bath room. Actually she was upchucking, but nothing was coming out while we lay there. She was right out of it, for a while before she came to a bit and asked to go to the bathroom. So I pretty much packed her there too. Got her, her spare pillows, blankets, and tried to keep her comfortable. Then I tied her hair back in a ponytail, and cliped her bangs back out of her face so she could puke. She told me to eat her left overs in her fridge, stire fry. I think she had mad it for her and other guy but he didn't make it... Well, I picked her up and put her to bed. Then she offered her room so I'd have an alarm to wake up for work, as I wasn't going to just leave her in that posistion. I spent the night to watch my child, though she slept right through.

That morning I got up and checked both of them. Let my ex know I was leaving and made sure she was sure she could handle waking with our child. Then I made a bottle for baby and left. Out side it had snowed, and a lot. I wiped her car off, and shovelled her drive way, like 5 mid size car lengths long, so she could make it to her EEG appointment that day. I left for work, and later she texted me to tell me she was going to have the other guy take her to the appointment as she couldn't make it out of her drive way. Yes is snowed a lot but, she has snow tires for a reason... I changed my day for her and she just tore an opportunity for me to see my baby from me. It was so heartless, as shee has become lately.

Now here is my question. After all that devotion, and hard work do I have the right to request that she not have her ex/guy she is sleeping with around my child. She he was abusive to her, in pretty much every sense. Finacially, emotionally (especially), sexually, and I think there is another one I can't recall I"m tired sorry. She still loves him, and has broken up with him several times before. They had a misscarriage and she must have cried to me about how much of a jerk he was for a month. That was like 2 years ago when we first met in college. She told me he would yell at my child when she was a new born and cried. This believe it or not is considered Abuse by the standards of our government legislation. I siad to her, "I don't want him around my child and more. You can date him or what ever, but he is not fit to be around my child. If you two worked things out and go to counsellors, I'd probably reconsider." her response, "Ok, I won't have him around, he is gone. OUt of my life. My child is so much apart of my life that if you don't want him in her life, then I can't be with him. You are forcing my hand, because you know me, and that I can't not do what is right for my child." in other words I was taking on all the responsibility and was to blame for everything as it is. Later that night she told me she wasn't going to cut the man that was apart of my childs life for 8 months, out of her life. Problem is, he was not really there that much at all. She would go out, have sex with other women while she was pregnant and needed some one. He even stayed at other women's houses while she lay ill in bed, as there were complications. Then after the child was born he was not helpful, he played PS3 videogames and ignored my child. He yelled at her...:( He was still staying the night at other's places, and cheating. My ex would be at home while the baby cried and cried. No one was there for her... She had complications during pregnancy and birth and she may halved even just about died and he didn't even stick by her side when she needed him. I trusted him to be a man/ a father to the child, and a partner to my ex... In stead he limited her and wouldn't let her get car insurance becuase he wanted to buy games, alcohol and other stuff. He makes $3000 amonth, and I only make $1500. In three months he paid $300 in child support for a child that may not have been his, but he damn well signed for her. I paid more than $500 in on month, and found her tires, put them on her car so she could keep driving it.

I understand why she loves him still, though i don't think she does. I understand how she sees me as being an Ares for wanting him out of my childs life, but does that mean I'm the bad guy?? Did i have a right to tell her I don't want that guy around, or should I let her figure her own life out on her own?? Come what may, i still love her. Curse my foolish heart and it's fickled desire. She is to me, what the other guy is to her... So as she would be wise to cut all contact with him, i would be wise to minumize mine with her...

I need to set boundries, but how do I do this with out hurting her, or abandoning her or my daughter for that matter... I refuse to stop taking her for 40% of the time, and I will continue to pay the $380 in child support that I don't have to pay, but i will any way simply because i keep my word as best I can. I don't know...

Though i do know she can't handle sierious matters. She is very emotionally damaged. I can see in to her and what she is feeling, as her actions speek for her, but I can't trust a damn word she says as she keeps flipping from yes to no, and ok to no way. It's killing me inside, but I did make my chioces didn't I... It's not all bad, I have a beautiful adorable, cute, fun, funny, little blue eyed baby girl.

So if I go as cold as she has toward me, and I stop going over to "visit", and only see her when I pick up my baby and for no other reason other than to deal with matters conserning my child. Am I a Jerk?? Haha, i could say I'm a jerk but only because the situation is calling for me to be one to protect my self from her Ignorence, rudeness, disrespect, inconsiderate, and so on behaviour.

"Yes there are two path's you can go by but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." - Stairway to Heaven Led-Zepplin

[amicon]

Your first priority is your daughter's wellbeing-have you got the visitation rights sorted ? Is your fear that your ex is not a fit mother and if so what can you do about that?
Other than that you should keep your contact with the ex to the very minimum-you 'll always be your daughter's parents but your ex has to take responsibility for her own life.
Take care and keep on being a good dad.

[Ithappenstoall]

Agree with Amicon... need to think of your daughter first

[artlady]

Your daughters mother sounds very unstable ,as does the BF and her being in a toxic relationship is not good for anyone.

Clearly,she needs a friend but she is also taking advantage of your friendship and the fact that she is your child's mother.Playing on your sympathy.Some would say that is emotional blackmail.

When we help someone is should be with the principal of helping them to help themselves.Otherwise we are only enabling and that serves no purpose.

I would tell her that you want to be there for her but that she needs to step up and be mature about her relationship that is damaging to herself and inevitably to your child.

A sad Mommy in a dysfunctional relationship is not a what a child needs.

I would establish a custody agreement and a child support agreement and then you will be in a better position to act legally should you feel the environment is unhealthy for your child.

I would help her to help herself for the express reason that it would benefit your child.She is your main concern.Yes,set some boundaries.Use your good judgment to discern when she needs you or the BF.

[JULIEBALL]

That poor child she deserves to be in a stable environment!forget about the woman she is no good bad seed worry about that baby if you see the need fight for custody.what a child sees groing up is what they will expect when they grow so odds are she will end up with someone like the boyfriend... not good

[Nestorian]

Your first priority is your daughter's wellbeing-have you got the visitation rights sorted ? Is your fear that your ex is not a fit mother and if so what can you do about that?
Other than that you should keep your contact with the ex to the very minimum-you 'll always be your daughter's parents but your ex has to take responsibility for her own life.
Take care and keep on being a good dad.

We are discussing our custody/gaurdian ship/access(as it's call in Canada, for visitation). We hit a snag though with the whole, her ex being at her place. He spends the nights, and that's not cool. As he was abusive in the past by refusing to allow her to get car insurance/not helping buy baby food when he signed a paper stating that he would acept responsibility for the child (my child.), he elbowed the mother when she was having night terrors, He slept with other women and got an STD and the mother of my child got it too (sexual abuse, I've read into it. It's kind of part of my job to know about these things.), he yelled at the baby when she was crying, would not watch her so the mother could go to the bath room or shower and so forth. He has done much more abusive things as well... In terms of emotional abuse. I can not, nor could I report any of this as it was told to me by the mother of my child, thus I have no proof. Also, she told me after the fact. It is legally the responsibility of every Canadian to report child abuse of any kind, and had I known about it I would have...

She is an amazing mother... She is not very wise in who she chooses to be with. I'm the first one who wasn't abusive to her, and even I was too controling/intense/caring. I wanted to have our finaces figured out so we could do things with out wondering where the money was going. She didn't like that, understandable but she didn't really understand what I was trying to do. I never told her how or where to spend her money, I just wanted to know where it was coming from, and going to, so I could manage my cash flow to help her/us... I also wanted to schedule things, but she couldn't handle that, I admit that was a dumb idea, but I really just wanted an idea as to what was going on so I could do what I had to, and work around both her and the baby's schedule. I did get a good idea, but I never did what I set out to, as I was too busy trying to fill her needs, thus lost myself and she became my reason for living. I did what I siad I wouldn't, but that's OK. Live and learn mates.

She is the one women I'd ever want to have a child with at this point in my life... Problem is, if she goes with him, she will be abused and then my child will have the same life I did, and watch while mother is abused but won't show her feelings so as to save the child. This doesn't work I have tried to plead with her, it only delays the effects and confuses the child into thinking she can not express her self emotionally... That is the only reason that worries me. The mother is a far better parent and better with our child than I. Mind you I missed the first 8months, so I was not given a chance to grow with my baby, but rather it was more like hey I'm sick of being misstreated, will you treat me nice? Here is the baby you so desire to see for more than a year. You are a much better man than my ex, he did... and you are a much better lover/boyfriend. Then she told me I was too intense and she wanted me to move out. And now she is back with him, for a second time. Yes yes I know, I'm a fool too, just as bad as her.:rolleyes: Funny how that works.

I can do nothing legally, and I will not take my child from her mother. I will also not take the mother's child from her... She would die, I still love her madly... :( I must simply be here as best I can, for my daughter and let go of the mother. Let the dream I so desperately hold on to, since I was 5 or so, fade away so that I can find a new one.

See, I have been obsessed with belonging so much so that I've always sacraficed myself for others to please them so they would let me hang with them or be their friends. That's just what made my efforts fail. I was trying to be something I'm not or at least wasn't. I am some what that caring loveing, compationate person now as it is conditioned into me; However, women don't want that sensative loving caring compationate guy that will give everything for them, when really the guy has nothing to give because, I'm not living my life for me. I"m living the life I think others want me to, so they will like me. So i can't claim to be the "nice guy" as she and most would call me. (No i'm not just saying that.) There are those who would say other wise mind you...:o

Wow, i'm really really messed up eh? haha. I guess i really am like every one else haha. ;)

So i can't be a "nice Guy" since I can not give what I do not have.:confused:

Haha, sorry if any one is lost by this. A good father I am, as I play that role of loving caring provider very well. I trained for it for most of my life, even as a child. Now I just have to let my ex live her life and find my own/self...

Thanks.

[Nestorian]

Your daughters mother sounds very unstable ,as does the BF and her being in a toxic relationship is not good for anyone.

Clearly,she needs a friend but she is also taking advantage of your friendship and the fact that she is your childs mother.Playing on your sympathy.Some would say that is emotional blackmail.

When we help someone is should be with the principal of helping them to help themselves.Otherwise we are only enabling and that serves no purpose.

I would tell her that you want to be there for her but that she needs to step up and be mature about her relationship that is damaging to herself and inevitably to your child.

A sad Mommy in a dysfunctional relationship is not a what a child needs.

I would establish a custody agreement and a child support agreement and then you will be in a better position to act legally should you feel the environment is unhealthy for your child.

I would help her to help herself for the express reason that it would benefit your child.She is your main concern.Yes,set some boundaries.Use your good judgment to discern when she needs you or the BF.

I have done this just the other day. Set the boundaries, so that we are to make it more like a business deal. I pick the baby up and drop her off and other than that, nothing. No friends or anything, just civil talk until... Until I can let go and stop sacraficing myself, and putting energy into something that's not going to give me anything inreturn.

I told her, that I don't want him aroun my child, due to the abuse. She says they are not together so it's none of my business as he is not baby sitting, or alone with my child. He does not play the dady role, though the baby calls him dad still. Yet she says I'm being valid... I don't quite understand that, other than she knows he is/was abusive. She says that's the past, and the here and now is here and now. The past is not with standing. Problem is, he hasn't done anything to change, she is going to counseling and getting out and thinking of going back to school next year, as am I... Then she said, he has done horrible things true, but so has she. She got pregnant with another man, then he took her back. She give him credit for that, and I get none when I was shoved out of my child's first 8 months of life... Damn that is crap. I'm a damn good guy, but I'm no better than him. I just make healthier/compationate choices in a way. So I know she feels that since they have both done bad things that he is special for taking her back, and I am just a fool...

I told her, I think she has been, selfish, ignorent, disrespectful, heartless, inconsiderate, and rude and so on. I laid it out cold and hard like she does. I gave her her own heartlessness as I don't feel that it's healthy for me to carry the burden of all that on my shoulders. Then I told her we are only to talk when needed and a pick up drop off relation ship, for a time any way. I also told her she was amazing in so many ways. But when it comes to the other guy and my child she is not a trust worthy judge of character. I told her I don't trust her in that situation, nor in what she says as most of what she has told me has been washed away in a split seconds choice. No work or effort that was promissed, but heartlessness and contradicting actions. In this case her actions speak for her, she never really loved me like she said. If it was a thing of just in the moment, then she didn't really feel that way at all as that kind of love that she promised to work through things, bipolar, mental issues (hers&mine), insecurities etc. But just tossed it away so she could go back to him, who she has tried this with 8 or 9 times now. Her friends don't like him at all, they do like me, but she doesn't. I can respect her decision to not be with me, but to be with him... I am worried about my child now, and am forced to ignore how I feel for my ex and my desire to be with her still... Yes I'm an idiot! No, I'm not, I'm in love with the part of her that is amazing, and willing to work through the rest. But now she is mad at me and we will never be back together. Mind you, I'm not sure I could go back to her, as she is killing me softly with her love? :p sorry seemed appropriate.

But, I'm rambling by now. SO, yes, child first, then myself, then what ever comes my way I spose. :o

[Nestorian]

that poor child she deserves to be in a stable enviroment!forget about the woman she is no good bad seed worry about that baby if you see the need fight for custody.what a child sees groing up is what they will expect when they grow so odds are she will end up with someone like the bf......not good

(Empathetically smiles) I can see how you may think she is a bad seed, but she really is just like you and I, but had a rough life. One that I wish I could have saved her and countless others from; but I can not, as only they may walk the path. No one can, and no one may walk it for them. (Good old buddha.)

She is a good person. Better than most, save one other I know, especially given her circumstances. I will do what I can for my child but I'm at the mercey of the rights of all humans to be free to choose how to live their life. "life is ours we live it our way. And nothing else matters."- Metallica

As for the mother being abused, and the child being affected, I know about that. I am after all a direct product of such situations. I know what the effects are, and how it will feel for her when the other man makes "mummy" cry and calles her names, or refuses to take her for walks, play with her, take her to fun things, teach her things... My heart is more broke knowing that it's a very real possibility that she will be subjected to such as I was at such an early age. Unfortunately, I have no proof of anything as it's all just what her and her friends told me. Also, I'm not in any state to make demands now, I have a job for 8 hours a week, and get $1000 from the government too live off. In total, I got $1500 each month. I'm broke, barely surviving. I intend to go to school and get a better life for myself and my child. Then I can show her what healthy men, and hopefully healthy women look like.

Thank you for your input. I am grateful for every one's info, and advice. As well as compation/consern/opinions. I look forward to any more any one has to say on the matter.

Peace be with you all...

Peace be with me.