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Romefalls19 · Jul 25, 2008, 07:42 AM

Who cares what others think? By any chance is your heart in their chest? Do they feel the pain that you are currently going through?

margarita_momma · Jul 25, 2008, 08:48 AM

Your co-workers are not on the emotional roller coaster that you are on with him. And honestly, your relationship is none of their business. If they were true friends, they would see how this is really effecting you and give you better advice than to tell you to stay with a guy who is driving you crazy.

Lovelee · Jul 26, 2008, 04:29 PM

I didn't listen to my co-workers, anyway it wasn't even necessary because he called the next day like normal and asked that I never bring up the flat tire incident ever because it was not his best moment.

It was mentioned earlier that communication is key to a successful relationship... well that is so true. My boyfriend has been cranky lately and after literally forcing it out of him he finally told me why. Now that I know we can hopefully move forward and try to make it work. We spent the whole day together talking, I appreciated that he opened up to me finally which is a huge step for him because he is so macho and does not like being vulnerable.

Lovelee · Aug 11, 2008, 06:12 PM

A couple of weeks ago I have been having been trying to get my man to spend more time with me, he has been a complete workaholic and it has been wrecking havoc on our relationship. So I decided to give him space... a lot of space, I started calling a lot less and I stopped nagging him to spend time with me. But I guess I got a little too comfortable with it. He started calling me every minute! He would ask me to come over or want to come over by me. Lately I have been hanging out with some of my co-workers, we've been going out and having a grand ole time'. So he calls me Sunday morning and I was still groggy (we came home around 2:30 a.m) and asked me if I went out last night. I told him that I did and he instantly got very insecure, wanting to know if it was with another man and how I should have let him know I was going out. I told him it was with my good friend (female) and we had a girls night out and after I was finally able to calm him down. This evening he calls very upset telling me that I don't care about him anymore, I don't call, don't desire to spend any time with him and told me if I want out of the relationship let him know. A week ago he told me that whatever I have to say he can take it, yet when I was started to tell him how its not going well for us he tells me that he is sorry and wants to spend time with me. Earlier he wanted lunch with me, I brushed him off, this evening he wanted me to come over and I brushed him off again. I want him to realize that I am not always going to be available. He sounded very hurt and I felt bad, but I am a firm believer in tough love and now he knows what I was going through and it hurts like hell.
Now the problem is, all the neglect that I felt really got me re-evaluating this relationship. I told him early in the relationship that one thing I hate is to be taken for granted and he did it over and over again. At first I would crave him, but then it will fizzle right down. All of a sudden he has time for me. Is it the fear of losing me? Or is it his ego that has him going crazy?

Any thoughts?

Ash123 · Aug 11, 2008, 06:36 PM

This sounds a bit immature.

I mean this is a lot of contingincies and testing...

How old are you two?

I think a little healthy space is good, but clearly when either one wanders too far the other is not happy... SOOOO you need work on that... sparks fly when you make the other one want you, and that is fun for a while, but it also wears you out.

So, compromise. Go out but leave cell phone on to be reached or make a plan.

busterite · Aug 12, 2008, 02:03 AM

I think you have now got his full attention but my advice would be to have an honest conversation with him as to what you believe is wrong in the relationship and not go on playing games with him, and if you still feel you need your space then that's fine but let him know the real reason you need your space and not let him believe that there might be someone else. I know you felt neglected and like you were taken for granted but sometimes it is really hard for someone to understand what they are doing wrong until it is too late. I went through a similar situation were for 1.5 months I had to work ridiculous hours so although I talked to my girlfriend over the phone and texts constantly she felt neglected and started going out and having a great time with her workmates on the internship she was doing. I really trusted her and was happy that at least she was having a good time but she obviously perceived it as neglect and as a lack of interest. The result is that although she was the one saying how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and how I was the love of her life, she though I was not interested in her anymore and felt right to cheat on me and start dating a guy from work. So if you are still interested in being with him I suggest you do both of you a favor and talk this through with him before it is too late.

Lovelee · Sep 28, 2008, 04:48 PM

This is a frustrating situation lately... During the first few months of our relationship he would always say things like, "oh I'm not one of those men who tells my woman what to do or where to go, she is free to go whereever she wants and I wouldn't have a problem." I've soon come to realize that it was a load of crap. My ex-boyfriend would text me about once every three months but I don't ever respond. One time I got a text from him in the presence of my boyfriend and he almost flipped his lid, telling me if I want to be with him I can go and how can I betray him like that. After several minutes of convinving the beast that it was innocent even telling him that I would call him back right then and there and tell him to leave me alone, he finally calmed down but he was still harping on it several days later. Every time I go out now he is asking all sorts of questions; "where are you going", "how long will you be there", then told me he believes I'm going out with another man. I don't know why he became so untrusting, I never gave him a reason to distrust me. I thought he was so confident but apparently he's not. He keeps mentioning how his ex did him wrong, she cheated he took her back then she cheated again, now he thinks every woman will cheat. The other day he told me how beautiful I am and he bets a lot of men approach me. I told him it doesn't matter how many men approach me as long as stay true to him. If I miss his calls he starts telling me I must be out with another man or I'm going to leave him for someone else, if I go out with friends he thinks that's a lie too. Last night my sister invited me for some drinks with a few mutral friends. During that time my boyfriend calls my cell phone, I had to go in my car to answer it because if he heard the band in the background that would be another fight. So a few minutes later he calls back at this time its more quiet, asks me what I was up to, I said nothing much then hurried off the phone. I can't believe I couldn't tell him where I was. He's making me feel guilty for something I'm not doing! I'm seeing his very controlling nature now and I don't like it. How many times have I told this man that I am faithful, he tells me he believes me then turns around and accuse me of cheating. He is pretty anxious to marry me but I don't know if I want the kind of husband who would keep me under lock and key. He really does have fine qualities but this jealousy and insecurity are BIG issues with me.

redwee74 · Sep 28, 2008, 05:34 PM

Lovelee, I am the kind of guy you are talking about, I will do fine until something I find fishy comes up. I am getting help with those issues. The thing is to tell him and help him change. Don't lie about anything you do but don't allow him to control your actions. If you want to go out with the girls go, if you want to doing anything do it. Just explain it to him, if he really loves you he will try and do better but it will not be overnight. My problem was fear and that could be his, he has let you into a place few people ever get to see in him and now he could be afriad that you will abuse it. The point is you have to weigh if he is worth the trouble. If not just wash your hands of him and don't have any contact with him. That are the only two options I see. You sound like your are at the end of your rope and I would stress to let this one go, but it is up to you and he may be a great guy if he is tell him and work on it as a couple. He needs help with this. Just think it out fully and decide what you want and then go from there.
I hope this helped and Good Luck.

talaniman · Sep 28, 2008, 05:45 PM

So why are you putting up with his bad behavior? Are his good qualities THAT good?

Romefalls19 · Sep 29, 2008, 06:32 AM

Sadly it seems as though he is carrying his old problems into your relationship. I don't see him changing without getting some type of help from a therapist to overcome these issues, I suffered from the same things he is. Give him a choice for your own benefit, either he seeks out counseling or you walk because it will only get worse farther down the road.

Lovelee · Sep 29, 2008, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Sadly it seems as though he is carrying his old problems into your relationship. I don't see him changing without getting some type of help from a therapist to overcome these issues, I suffered from the same things he is. Give him a choice for your own benefit, either he seeks out counseling or you walk because it will only get worse farther down the road.

He thinks that there is no problem but clearly there is. How did you overcome your trust issues?

Romefalls19 · Sep 29, 2008, 04:27 PM

I went through therapy, countless sessions, 3 times a week for 2 months, read a lot of books on the subject. I still struggle with jealousy every day, but I just have learned how to deal with it. Like if something starts to upset me, I write it down and come back to it in about an hour and see if it still upsets me. If so, I approach my fiancé and we discuss it, it accomplishes two things, first I will know if its for a valid reason, 9/10 times it's not and I know it. But if it is, it gives me times to cool down so I can talk to her, rather than attack her.

Lovelee · Oct 17, 2008, 09:54 AM

I have been with this man for almost a year, we certainly had our share of ups and downs but we manage to stay together. Sometime ago I posted that my boyfriend is untrusting of me, there were small improvements made but that was only temporary. Now he is more jealous then ever. THe other night he called my home and cell phone number a total of 15 times in the space of 40 minutes! My neighbor (a woman) invited me over to see her new furniture and honestly didn't hear the phone ring. Well when I got back inside I was greeted with angry text messages saying how he knows that I have been talking to some guy. I called him back and before I could say anything he barked; "where were you!!" I told him where I was but he was adament that I was hanging out with some guy. Of course I tried to defend my position but I couldn't, he was yelling at me and calling me a liar and how nothing I say is going to make him believe me. Yes I knew he was jealous but this was ridiculous. When he finally gave me a chance to speak I told him if he can't trust me he can leave, then changed his tone a bit telling me that he trust me but believes I've been hanging out with another man this one particular time.
I think he is paranoid because of his guilt that he doesn't spend much time with me, so he figured that I must be talking to another guy to pass time, but I have been completely faithful to him. This angers me because he's accusing me of something I'm not doing or am I interested in anyone else.
The question is, how do I convince him that I am faithful?

liz28 · Oct 17, 2008, 10:10 AM

No matter what you say or no his jealous behavior will always be there. He need to seek help for it because jealousy can lead into a bigger problem and sooner or later your going get sick it.

Has he ever been cheated on in the past or cheated on someone or maybe he is guilty of something himself?

This is very unhealty.

Bural21 · Oct 17, 2008, 10:43 AM

Hunnie, he sounds over bearing. I don't know your situation completely but if my guy was calling me all the time and fully set on the fact that I was with some guy... when I wasn't, I'd run. Maybe you're getting a glimpse of your future. Like I said, I don't know your situation completely but if I were you I'd find someone who has faith in you AND respects your space, you deserve to be respected and have friends of any gender you want. I had a boyfriend who wouldn't let me talk to my best friend, who was a guy... I immediately left him.

JBeaucaire · Oct 17, 2008, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by Lovelee

When he finally gave me a chance to speak I told him if he can't trust me he can leave, then changed his tone a bit...

See, you're already there. You know how to handle this.

... he trust me, but believes I've been hanging out with another man this one particular time. I think he is paranoid...

That's a really funny statement. "I believe you, but you're a liar." Seriously, who writes this stuff? His brain came up with that? Wow... fortunately, I KNOW you spotted the crazy, right?

how do I convince him that I am faithful?

Oh, that's easy. You don't. Not a single word will help. All you can do to have ANY effect on him is time your departure to coincide with his crazy talk.

HIM: "Where were you!?!?!?"
YOU: "Um, hello? Sorry, I was calling to talk to my nice boyfriend. Is he home?"
HIM: "I know you were talking to some guy. Don't lie to me."
YOU: "Uh....well, if my nice boyfriend comes home, let him know I called. Bye."

Later, when you finally realize this isn't going to get better, you time your final departure the same way.

HIM: "I know you're talking to guys behind my back. I can't believe you!"
YOU: "OK. I'm done. Don't call me anymore, you win, I'm off to find a sane guy to give my time to. You're an idiot."

Jealousy can't be cured head on. It can only be punished. Extreme punishment is the only real cure for extreme cases. If you leave him, and his next girlfriend does it too, maybe 3 or 4 girlfriends from now he'll finally figure this out.

I'm sorry for your situation.

ZoeMarie · Oct 17, 2008, 11:05 AM

In addition to what others have said (and I totally agree) you know what they say about someone accusing you of cheating, sometimes it means they themselves are cheating.

kctiger · Oct 17, 2008, 11:15 AM

I have been there myself. My first relationship I was always worried about my girl cheating on me. It stems from inexperience and low self confidence. What worked for me was my friends just calming me down and basically saying, "Quit acting like a b****" if you know what I mean. Doesn't he have any guy friends to talk some sense into him? Over time he will get over it, but believe me it takes awhile.

Lovelee · Oct 17, 2008, 11:53 AM

I really don't think he is cheating. His last girlfriend cheated on him after swearing up and down that she would never do such a thing, he took her back and she cheated again which according to him left him totally devastated. I keep telling him he can't punish future relationships because you've been cheated on, who hasn't? Point is we cut our losses and move on. My sister just brought me a ticket to go to a show with her and hearing that he asked me what guy am I going out with.

Lovelee · Oct 17, 2008, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

I have been there myself. My first relationship I was always worried about my girl cheating on me. It stems from inexperience and low self confidence. What worked for me was my friends just calming me down and basically saying, "Quit acting like a b****" if you know what I mean. Doesn't he have any guy friends to talk some sense into him? Over time he will get over it, but believe me it takes awhile.

From what I've heard his male friends don't know anything about his insecurities, he told one of them that I am a good woman. Funny, why can't he tell me that?