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classychica52 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:36 AM

Okay background story,
My ex and I dated for a little over 2 years, I loved him so much and he was faithful and good to me. The problem was that he wasn't as outgoing in a sense as I was, and he wouldn't take me out, I mean he took me out every weekend, but it wasn't to do like new stuff, stuff that I've never done before. Besides that, I think we were different people, like he got along really well with my friends and my family, but he never brought me around his friends, I don't know why I think it was just awkward for him.
So I broke up with him, he took it really hard, so did I
That was about a month and a half ago
As I'm going through this break up, this guy that I go 2 college with started to talk to me a lot, he was just a friend from last year, he began to invite me out with his friends, and stuff, I started to have fun, he then asked me out 3 and a half weeks after me and my ex broke up, I said yes. I'm confused as to whether I have feelings for this guy. He's the exact opposite of my ex in every sense of the word. My ex was black, clean cut, this guy is white and has dreads, my ex was a nice guy, my current boyfriend is a bad boy, but he's very sweet too. Me and my ex don't really talk that much, he still tries to get back with me sometimes, and I told him yesterday that I of course still love him, but that I don't think we were meant to be in that way, I don't know,
My current boyfriend just took my camping, I had fun, it was something I'd never done before which is what I wanted, but then again, I'm not really as attracted to him physically, he's not ugly, but my ex was much more attractive, and I know physically I could do much better, but that's not really that important to me, he;s just opposite of everything I thought that I wanted, I told him didn't want a serious relationship with him, I just want someone to do new stuff with... is this normal? I told my ex to move on, and to date other people since I have, but I still love him a lot, even though I don't think me and him are compatible. I don't want to get into the trap of comparing my ex to my current, there are something's that my current can do for me that my ex didn't, there are something's that my ex can do that my current probably won't.
I'm so confused, I love my ex, I like this guy, I don't know if its really, or if its just my mind playing tricks on me that I really like him and willing to see what develops...

Romefalls19 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:44 AM

You weren't over your first break up, then you just into a new relationship? Couldn't these "new" things be done without being attached in a relationship? Get a group of friends and go camping, trust me it's a lot of fun when you go with friends. Experience life without someone holding your hand through it.

You need to take a giant leap backwards and examine exactly what you want here. You need to stop telling you ex you love him, it's not your problem but you are probably filling him with false hope. As for the new guy, could it be you're with him simply because he's there?

classychica52 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You weren't over your first break up, then you just into a new relationship? Couldn't these "new" things be done without being attached in a relationship? Get a group of friends and go camping, trust me it's a lot of fun when you go with friends. Experience life without someone holding your hand through it.

You need to take a giant leap backwards and examine exactly what you want here. You need to stop telling you ex you love him, it's not your problem but you are probably filling him with false hope. As for the new guy, could it be you're with him simply because he's there?

That's why I told him I didn't want a serious relationship because I didn't want to be attached, and I don't know if it is cause he is there or not, that's the thing, he's a great guy, but there are some things about him that I wouldn't normally go for, I told my ex when we broke up that if we got back together in the future then it was meant to be, I think he took it the wrong way, but I was planning on being single for a while and making new friends, but my current boyfriend started asking me to go out and stuff, and I started to like him, and he asked me out and I said yes.
Does that mean I'm with him only because he was there when I was going through the break up

Romefalls19 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:55 AM

Sadly, I cannot tell you the answer to that. But you can, by taking time to be alone as it seems like you rushed things. Perhaps taking time off, if this guy is so great, he will understand and take things slow.

talaniman · Oct 22, 2009, 04:48 AM

I never understood how you can call a few dates a relationship. What's the hurry to get some title, that over the long run may not even apply.

Why can't people just date to have fun getting to know each other before they get locked into this relationship stuff. I think you do much better dating a variety of people, and having a great time, and not get to fixated on one person, that it causes confusion, and comparisons that are unfair.

That would surely slowdown those so fast attachments, that are even harder to break, than they are to make.

classychica52 · Nov 13, 2009, 03:55 PM

So my ex has been sending me messages about once a week since the last time that I posted and I always tell him to stop and he says he will but then he sends another one. I blocked him on Facebook last night because he told me that he is transferring to my college next semester, he said that he got a scholarship which is why he is transferring but there is a chance that we might have a class together which he told me... is this stalking? He hasn't threatened me he just keeps asking for me back but when he told me he was coming here next semester I got nervous

talaniman · Nov 14, 2009, 09:46 AM

Maybe your telling him to leave you alone needs to be a lot firmer, as in "leave me alone you stupid jerk!!!!"

He obviously isn't listening very well.

nevaeh7 · Nov 14, 2009, 05:41 PM

Ahh but is he still being told yhat he is loved by her, and is he still hopeing for that "meant-to be" future get together?

nevaeh7 · Nov 14, 2009, 05:57 PM

Sometimes people respond to the things that we are telling them or showing them, and the two are not always the same! So maybe the mixed signals coming from you are making him just as confused, and acting the way that he is, I know that I would be confused if someone told me they loved me still but the they didn't want to be with me. (this did actually happen to me by the way, I think that I came very close to a breakdown in the end)
Its important for you to take the time to find out who you are and what you want as a single person, yes have fun, date even, but until you know what you want its not fair for you to give false hope, you may not realise that you are doing that, but that is just what it is.

jimseekinadvice · Nov 24, 2009, 06:29 AM

I never really understood how people can say "i love you" and not want to be with the person. I guess it's the distinction of love and being in love. You have to tell him straight up you don't see you guys getting back together and its over for good. Telling someone you still love them fills them with false hope and is probably the reason why he's still trying.

classychica52 · Nov 26, 2009, 11:26 AM

This is probably going to be the worst Thanksgiving ever. I've been thinking of my ex a lot a lot and I broke up with my boyfriend last night because I realized that I was using him :-(. I told him I felt me and him were meant to be really close friends but I can't see us being together as a couple. Now I really really want my old ex back, like I didn't sleep at all last night. I texted him, and he told me that he doesn't want to talk to me. I called him this morning and I left him a voice mail apologizing to him and telling him that we need to talk. He sent me an email saying that He didn't want anything to do with me, and that he feels I'm not the person he thought I was because I was able to replace him so quickly. I want him back soooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad! I can't believe my feelings have shifted like this so quickly. Should I just give him space?? I'm so sure of what I want right now and I don't know what to do with myself, I'm heart broken and a lot of my family is coming here today and I don't want them to see me like this.
What do I do?
Is it normal to feel this way??

talaniman · Nov 26, 2009, 11:59 AM

While I feel your pain, what you do is leave him alone, and find something else to do.

Its really simple, as you have tried to mask your pain in the arms of another and when that didn't work you think you can get him back and be all happy again.

Either take the hint, and do this on your own, and find your own happiness, without help from him, or be miserable all by yourself.

Don't be so fickle, and remember why you dumped the guy in the first place. Nothing has changed but your mind.

Stay out of relationships and get one with yourself, or you will always be using people for your own entertainment, and dumping them when they can't.

classychica52 · Nov 26, 2009, 01:51 PM

I know nothing has changed, but I realized what I had. This really hurts me because he is a really good catch, and I always wanted to be with him, but I thought that I was missing something by being committed so early, but if he is the one that I want to end up with then why not enjoy my time with him now?
I don't understand why he doesn't want anything to do with me when a few weeks ago he was begging for me!

Gemini54 · Nov 26, 2009, 03:26 PM

Look. This is about dealing with the consequences of your choices. Think about it.

You broke up with your BF because you wanted him to be different. You started dating someone new because they were different.

The new BF made you think about the old BF. You told the old BF that you didn't want to be with him. Then you told the new BF you don't want to be with him. Now you want the old BF back.

You can't keep changing your mind and expect people to jump through hoops for you. The old BF is upset and wary and rightly so. You hurt him twice - first by breaking up with him and second by dating someone new a few weeks after.

You made these choices and now you're wailing about wanting him back. He's not jumping through your hoops. Life's like that! Take responsibility for the hurt that you've caused and leave him alone.

You don't deserve to be with anyone at the moment - you need some time to reflect on being so superficial. You're the one that's not so classy.

Devorameira · Nov 26, 2009, 03:42 PM

Sounds to me like you broke up with a really nice fellow.

Life isn't always a bowl of cherries. In the real world we aren't out there doing new and exciting things every minute of the day. Most women would be thrilled to have a great guy who treats them well and takes them out on weekends.

Since you don't seem to want him, I'd suggest that you just have no contact with him (no calls, texts, e-mails). He should have no trouble at all finding a lady who loves him and doesn't find him so boring.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing hurts more than realizing she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to her!

talaniman · Nov 26, 2009, 04:23 PM

I don't understand why he doesn't want anything to do with me when a few weeks ago he was begging for me!

You hurt the guy twice, what do you expect? I can't believe you expect him to keep eating your crap, after the way you treated him.

I wish · Nov 26, 2009, 05:32 PM

First of all, you can't force your ex to come back to you.

Anyway, your feelings can flip flop so easily. You might want your ex back this week, but it sounds like you can be feeling the exact opposite by next week.

Sort out your own personal issues and heal properly from your break up before getting into a relationship. It's extremely unfair to your new boyfriend as he's definitely a rebound.

You DON'T HAVE TO be in a relationship. You said it yourself, you wanted to be single at first and being single is in your best interest until you've recovered.

classychica52 · Nov 26, 2009, 05:52 PM

But I went no contact, and after I did, that's when I started wanting him back even more, like it seems like it made it worse not better

I wish · Nov 26, 2009, 08:21 PM

Originally Posted by classychica52

But I went no contact, and after I did, that's when I started wanting him back even more, like it seems like it made it worse not better

That's because you haven't given yourself eough time to heal.

The early stages of a break up are tough. No contact makes it even tougher. Furthermore, when you start no contact, it might get even more painful. But once it reaches the highest point, it will only get easier from there. Maybe you haven't even reached the highest point yet.

But the key is TIME. If you don't give yourself the necessary time to heal, you're just going to drag out the process and continue to suffer.

Furthermore, by contacting him, you will reset all the progress you've made. So even if you broke up a while ago, your progress only really starts when you're fully committed to healing.

classychica52 · Nov 29, 2009, 11:04 AM

It's like my heart is saying, "he's the one for you" but my mind is saying "you need to move on." He's always had my heart, but in my mind, I thought that we'd be better off alone. Now it seems like my heart is overpowering my mind.
I feel so miserable. It's so hard to find an attractive guy that's faithful to you. I think maybe if I just give him time he'll realize that I never meant to hurt him. I really didn't, I just thought it'd help me move on faster. I never had sex with the "rebound", I never really planned to, I just wanted to feel wanted, and I wanted the company of someone. I don't think my ex realizes this, I don't think he realizes that I love him so much that I needed someone to help me get over him.
I'm just going to give him space and hopefully he'll come around