[need_to_talk]

I've been married for almost a yr, I have a 3 month old baby and I love my husband and baby very much, I want to work through any problems that arise but there's one particular problem that just keeps popping up and there's nothing I can do to change it.

My husband is 25 yrs old and he's only had 1 job in his whole life and that only lasted 6 months. I ask him over and over to look for work, he says he is but I KNOW he's not. He claims to be handing out resumes but instead I find him sitting in his parked car reading a book for hours on end until he comes back home. I ask him to look for work online and make some calls, which he claims he did on his phone but when I ask him for proof of making any calls from his mobile he suddenly changes his story and claims he didn't call from his phone but instead from a pay phone!

He lies about looking for work all the time, all he does is watch TV and play games! He takes no responsibility at all for helping to look after our family financially! I don't know what to think or what to do! I love him very much, his personality is very sweet but when it comes to helping out with adult repsonsibility he instead acts like a child. I feel like Im a single mum looking after two children!

What should I do in this situation? Ive tried talking to him about it, explaining how I feel, threatening to leave if he doesn't get his act together, nothing works. I don't WANT to leave him. I don't believe in divorce and I want this to work out but I don't know what else I can do to make him grow up. I don't want my children to grow up not having much because we're on unemployment benefits, I don't want to live in a $hitty caravan park and not have a ice home to raise my children in because he doesn't want to grow up and get a job! I don't want to be the sole provider of the family while he's sitting at home watching TV and playing playstation games! I love him so damn much but its frutsrtaing me and I don't know what to do!
What should I do?? :(

[talaniman]

Get rid of the bum. You can do bad by yourself. That may wake him up, but if it doesn't, you can pursue your dreams without that anchor around your neck.

[Gemini54]

He has a wife and child so he needs to grow up and start pulling his weight. I agree with you why should you support two children?

Why is he so opposed to work?

I'd suggest that he needs a job coach or a counselor, and that you need to give him an ultimatum. It's time to lay down the law I think - shape up or ship out. It's hard, but hard times deserve stern measures.

He needs a wake up call - and who else is going to do that but you?

[Jake2008]

What was he like before you married him. Were you aware that he had only one job in all of his 25 years?

I don't know why you decided to have a baby with him, knowing you would be supporting the entire family.

It wasn't likely that he would suddenly become productive, mature, and accepting of his responsibilities toward his wife and child.

I think it is safe to assume that he is not going to change. What you have is all you can deal with. You cannot force a person to change into the person that you think they should be.

I believe you love him, and I believe he loves you. If that is all he can offer, only you can decide if it is enough.

You banging your head against a brick wall isn't going to change anything.

He has to make the choice to do what he has to do to secure employment, and that is a long, difficult road for a man his age with no work history, and no skills, and no desire to get any.

[Catsmine]

Have you tried treating him like the 14 year old he's acting like? That might be enough of a slap to the back of the head. By the way, 14 year olds don't sleep with Mommy, either.

[need_to_talk]

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do, Ive been married for nearly a year and we have a 4 and a half month old son but my husband won't get off his and get a job! He's had only 1 full time job in his life, to be precise, only 1 full time and 1 part time job ever. Ive asked him over and over again to please look for work and he says constantly over and over "yes yes I will I will" but still, no resumes get handed out and nothing gets done.
So instead I say "ok, you look after our son and I'll get full time work" but then I wonder if he'd even do THAT right, as it is he won't bath our baby, feed our baby Farax, he won't even BOIL the tap water to make formula milk! He won't even help clean up or do the dishes or even have his own Personal Hygene like taking a damn shower without me ordering him to like a child!! Its like he doesn't care! Its like he tries to avoid ANY form of adult responsibility altogether, and then when I say "Look, you wont even do these things for our son while Im AT home, how do you suppose to look after our son while Im out at work??" and he gets angry as if it's my responsibility to support our family and as if I'm overreacting and making assumptions about his fatherly respnsibility! It just makes me so MAD!! How am I suppose to do everything at once?? Am I suppose to go to work, make the money to support our family, come home, clean up the house, make dinner, feed our son, bath him, order my own husband to have a shower and brush his teeth and then get ready to do it all over again the next day while my own husband sits on the bed playing video games and reading books!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :confused:

I don't know what to do!! I don't want a divorce, I don't want to be a single mum doing it all alone, I want a happy supported and stable family and marriage but nothing changes! UI talk to him about it, cry, get angry.. nothing hppens! He gets upset at me like I have no right to be angry and then the next day its back to square one like everything I said he's forgotten!
I seriously don't know what to do, my hope for this to change is just as strong as my desire to just quit and do it alone, it breaks my heart, when I got married I thought he would do more for me, for our son, for himself. I'm not asking for much, all Im asking is that he act like an adult man with adult responsibilities.

I don't know what to do :(

[Jake2008]

He's only ever had one full time job, and one part time job in his life, he doesn't take care of himself, or contribute to the household in any way, and is quite content to sit on his derrierre as you said, and do nothing all day.

Why may I ask did you think he was good marriage material, and good parenting material? Why did you have a baby, knowing what he was like, and likely to be after the baby arrived.

It doesn't sound like he has deceived you in any way, none of this is a surprise to you, or shouldn't be. Why do you expect him to change, become a different person, and suddenly step up to being a good father and husband.

I don't see how you can justify complaining so much, when you married him, and decided to start a family despite his obvious faults. You have to take some responsibility here.

If you need to find work, and don't trust him to properly care for your baby, put the baby in daycare. Plan ahead and set aside money for a cleaning lady to come in once a week, or maybe ask his mother to come over and help out.

Try to get him into marriage counselling, if he is willing, and able to change.

I don't know if it is even possible with the way you have described him, to expect anything different to happen.

You did after all, choose to marry this man as he was.

[need_to_talk]

He wasn't always like this, with the job thing, yeah, but he was so caring and sweet and romantic. And its not like I PLANNED the pregnancy. When we were toegther everything felt so perfect, but since we've got married... it's gone down hill.
So don't try and say this is all my fault and only Im responsible, I came here to ask for advice, not to be put down. OK?

[rockie100]

You could have his, or your, father have a talk with him. Or anyone, for that matter, (whom he respects) talk some sense into him. He may be mad at first, but its worth a shot. You will end up doing the majority of the work you listed, but as Jake mentioned above, you signed up for this. Try not to enable him so much. You have your own things to do and tend to. Don't tend to him as though he's not capable.

[artlady]

You have two children and that is unfair.

I would find someone I trust and I would get that job and take care of you and your child.

I would do nothing for him until he is willing to be a part of this marriage.He deserves nothing from you.He is giving you nothing and he should get nothing in return.

I would give hubby an ultimatum.
Either get off your butt and get busy or get out.

You have to think of yourself and your child,as clearly he is not going to.
If you have a relationship with his parents,I would ask them to speak to him.

[danielnoahsmommy]

I can find very little sympathy for you. You knew all this before you had a chled and got married. I understand that you don't want a divorce for whatever reason. But you have to stop thinking about what you want and what is good for the child. I think not only your husband needs some counseling but you need too as well.

Sorry to be so hard on you, have a similar situation with a sister of mine and it gets me nuts.

[Cat1864]

So dont try and say this is all my fault and only Im responsible, I came here to ask for advice, not to be put down. OK?

How old are you? How old is he? Who is currently paying your bills IF neither of you have jobs? Who is paying for the formula, water, TV, electricity, etc.

You want advice. Okay. I will let you know that you aren't going to like it. However, I hope think about it.

You are a single mother whether you are married or not. You are doing everything you mentioned except the job and paycheck. You are the responsible one.

You chose to get into a sexual relationship with this male because he was sweet and romantic. ANY time sex is a part of anything there is a possibility of creating a new life that depends on you for everything. By having sex you took responsibility for the concept of that new life and when you got pregnant you accepted the responsibility of being a Mother.

Should he get up off his lazy rear-end and be a father and husband? Yes. Is he going to? Not as long as you don't make any changes. Why should he? You rant and rave and threaten but you don't carry through. That is your responsibility. You have trained him to ignore you.

Is there a relative or friend who would help out with the baby while you got a job? How about if you left or kicked out the bum? Would they be more open to helping you, then? Have you looked into daycare help for low income families/single mothers? Are you qualified to work in a daycare that might take your child too? Have you looked at babysitting other people's children in your own home or theirs where you could take your child with you? What about other work you could do at home?

Have you done anything other than complain?

[J_9]

Is it possible that your husband is depressed?

[LearningAsIGo]

Is it possible that your husband is depressed?

Just what I was thinking.

Sometimes, depression can manifest in selfish behaviors like your husband is displaying. Not bathing properly, arguing with you, and not caring for his son, are other indicators that he may be depressed.

Since it sounds like he has a history of "lazy" behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if its gotten worse as an indication of depression of some sort.

Marriage counseling is a good option. Do some local research and you may be able to find a free or low cost counselor, even a religious leader who may be able to help both of you. Either way, I'm sure you must realize that things the way they are can't continue before you and/or the relationship break apart. So, its worth looking into some options. Ultimately, he's a grown man and no amount of arguing or guilt will get him up off the couch unless he has the desire to do so. A professional counselor may have the tools to get through to him.

Have a serious talk with him and tell him what you've said here. He owes you the chance to explain how frustrated and scared you are. You owe him the chance and opportunity to change.

Good luck

[need_to_talk]

I know it probebly seems like Im repeating myself, its just something Ive been needing to talk about with someone. :( If that makes sense.

How can you have so much resentment for the same person its so hard to leave? Even when NOTHING changes?

[talaniman]

If you weren't the good person that you are, you wouldn't care, would you. That says a lot about you, and its all good from where I sit. Your child has a good mom, but she is hurting and can't do this by herself. Nor should she.