[hpfl228]

I met this guy at the beginning of the summer. He was 24, I'm 19. We hit it off right when we met. He took it very slowly, never tried to have sex or anything like that. We spent a lot of time together. He turned 25, and a week after his birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Things just went downhill from there. Throughout the second half of the relationship he treated me very badly. We barely saw each other and he stopped calling as much. He's in a band, and music is his life, and he said he was so busy all the time and all the band members have the same girlfriend issues. I know it's a big relationship red flag if they say they're "too busy" because that's just bull. I've stopped believing his excuses.

Every time we got into a big fight and I broke up with him, he'd call me a couple days later to work things out and eventually we got back together. He'd be decent to me, but not really putting forth any effort. And recently, when I basically broke up with him for good, we texted a little bit and he answered every one of them.

What I don't get is, why would he treat me so badly but only worry when he was going to lose me? If he didn't care at all, why would he answer my texts? He knows that I was genuine and was always completely honest with him, and now that I don't have the illusion of getting back together I'm starting to realize that he may have just been taking advantage of me. I'm very confused and would like some outside answers, please.

[hpfl228]

P.S: I'm now starting to question his intentions. He was never forceful or abusive, but still I don't get it.

[123skyscraper]

He cares, its just that he doesn't care enough. He will do the minimal to keep you around. If you threaten to leave, or every time you left him, he will do the work to make you come back, once you are back he falls into the habit of not putting in the effort to make you happy or plainly he takes you for granted.
If you are not happy, you should leave. As a boyfriend, his priority should be to keep you happy.1

[jaime90]

Maybe he's bipolar- people who are bipolar will push others (maybe their significant other) away with their anger, bitterness, and bad behavior- but their significant other will still stick around because the rest of the time, they will act really nice.

This guy treats you badly, and when you tell him you want to leave, all of a sudden the niceness kicks in, and it's brought you back every time. I agree with 123skyscraper that he's probably taking you for granted. Either leave this relationship, or try to save it by getting counsel either seperatly or together. He obviously has issues that he needs to work out. It's not impossible for you to work things out, but you definitely take the risk of him not changing. So, is the loving boyfriend that you could experience, worth the work and effort? More importantly, is it worth the risk that the work and effort may not change him? It's up to you to decide. You could just be saying "I just want to give up and move on." IF your boyfriend is abusive, and these aren't just relationship issues, then you need to leave him.

[I wish]

The reason he only puts the effort in when you want to break up is because he knows that you'll end up taking him back. So why should he put in more effort that he needs? That just means that he doesn't care about you as much as you think. He just wants a girlfriend, but does the bare minimum to keep you around.

On and off relationships usually end up being off. If you can't fix the problems that broke you up in the first place, then why get back together? Only to break up again? If he hasn't made sufficient progress by now, then he probably won't make any progress in the near or distant future.

There are too many obstacles for you to be happy. Relationships are suppose to be happy and natural. You don't seem happy and none of this seems natural. Let him go and find someone else. There are 6 billion other people in this world.

[missb123]

I am so sorry that you are going through this emotional roller coaster. I was in a relationship like this for years. My opinion is that your friend is a bit selfish and not at the point in his life where he is ready to put in the time and effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. The most important thing that you understand here is THAT IT IS NOT YOU OR ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN DO to change this behavior. No matter what girl he was with at the moment, it would be the same situation. So, DO NOT be afraid that if you raise your standards, you will turn around and he will be in this serious, successful relationship. Not going to happen. He is focused on his personal goals at the moment instead of your goals as a couple. When you force his hand, he knows he doesn't want to lose you; however, is that what you want in a relationship? Someone that you basically have to hold their hand and lead them to the water? Even when you force him to choose, the decision he is making... is selfish. He is choosing what he wants... which is not to completely lose you to another man.

My best advice is STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! This will give you time to focus on yourself and realize what you need in a partner and get your standards back to where they were before he started giving the bare minimum. You deserve to be with someone that meets you half way, not on their terms or only when forced like a child. This guy's got a LOT of growing up to do. Don't let his selfishness come between you and your happiness, its just not worth it. If you know what you are looking for and you love yourself enough to not give up until you have found him (not mr. perfect, just mr. knows who he is, where he is going, and what he wants out of a relationship). Make a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a man. So many women get caught up in emotions and forget about the facts.
Compare these qualities:
Carefree, spontaneous, life of the party, not dependable, no steady job
To these:
Caring, makes plans to be with you, likes to quality time getting to know you, plans romantic dates, has some sort of idea where he's going to be in the next three-five years... these are the ones that are looking for a committed relationship.
I hope my advice helps in some way. I don't know that my answer is correct, but it has helped me.
Good luck.