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Iain_A4 · Nov 2, 2006, 06:06 AM

Hello,

Well, this is my situation. I have known a girl very distantly for around two years, we were previously both in very long term relationships, but I always admired her from afar, and had a very platonic email correspondence with her.

Anyway, recently I split from my girlfriend of 7 years and after a couple of months thought I'd get in touch with this girl (who had also become single earlier). She plays in a band, as do I, and I asked her if she had any gigs coming up as it would be nice to see her. She replied to say no, but that we should meet up anyway! I agreed, and we exchanged numbers, and arranged to meet a fortnight later.

We did meet up, had a lovely dinner and went for a drink. By this point I think we were both a little drunk, and she began to explain her recent past, that she had got out of an engagement around 9 months ago, fallen straight into a fascination with another guy, which didn't work out and left her very hurt. She explained that she didn't feel at all ready for a relationship at this stage, and I thought OK cool, makes sense. However, she then went on to kiss me, quite passionately, and carried on for the next hour or so, all the way until she caught her train and the doors closed.

We were in contact again in the week, but only very briefly by text, and were seeing each other anyway the following Saturday at the party of a mutual friend. We chatted there and it was nice, and kissed again, but only a quick one before saying goodbye.

Two days later I decided to get in touch to say hello and ask if she fancied meeting up again soon. She replied that she would give me a call, which she did and explained again that she wasn't ready for a relationship and so thought we should just be friends, that she really wanted us to stay in touch by whatever means, and that she did want to meet up, maybe in a few weeks. She explained that she was sorry if she had led me on, and would try not to kiss me etc next time, but that she did really like me, and that was why she had done what she did. I said that it sounded sensible, and in fact I was in a similar situation, and probably shouldn't rush into anything.

Anyway, I am totally infatuated by this girl, and wanted to know what to do. Should I take a hint that if she was sooo attracted to me, then she would be blind to logic, and just want to see me anyway, and it is quite a convenient way to say 'thanks, but no thanks' without hurting the other person too much.

Or should I try and stay friends with her, all the time wishing it was more?

I'm confused, please help!:confused:

Krs · Nov 2, 2006, 06:25 AM

How would u feel to be just friends with her, when you're wishing it was more?

talaniman · Nov 2, 2006, 07:11 AM

She has already told you that she has been through some recent emotional break-ups and obviously it still hurts. All relationships start as friends. So respect her wishes and keep in touch, not everyday and keep your own life balanced, so as not to smother her. Give her plenty of time and space. Be patient, and go in with eyes open and no presumptions. She likes you but is not ready for study dating, so be friends and see where it leads if you feel it is worth pursuing, and let her heal. Its way too early to proclaim love or to throw ALL your eggs in this basket.

Skell · Nov 2, 2006, 02:34 PM

Yes go very slow.

Surely you still have some emotional baggage from your 7 year relationship. Im pretty sure you would.

Don't go jumping back into another relationship now just to replace what you had even if you have admired this girl for a while. It won't work.

Just take it slow. Give her space. You need to respect her wishes as well as give yourself some time here.

I know what it is like to lsoe a 7 year relationship and you don't just get over it over night. And you especially don't get over it by jumping straight back into another one.

Wildcat21 · Nov 2, 2006, 02:40 PM

I'd keep the calling to once week - no more. Keep it brief.

Real love takes time!!

Space is key.

oh baby 123 · Nov 2, 2006, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

Yes go very slow.

Surely you still have some emotional baggage from your 7 year relationship. Im pretty sure you would.

Dont go jumping back into another relationship now just to replace what you had even if you have admired this girl for a while. It wont work.

just take it slow. give her space. you need to respect her wishes as well as give yourself some time here.

i know what it is like to lsoe a 7 year relationship and you don't just get over it over night. And you especially dont get over it by jumping straight back into another one.

OK I agree with skell and personly I found you can trust him and dsnt blow through and not read articals like somepeople to get wicked high titles.

s_cianci · Nov 2, 2006, 04:16 PM

It sounds like she may be attracted to you but, as she says, not ready for a relationship. You can continue to contact and see each other occasionally but don't push for it to become anything serious or committed. Don't run the risk of scaring her off. You'll scare her off by coming on too strong or too frequently. Avoid that mistake.

Wildcat21 · Nov 2, 2006, 04:21 PM

Yep - coming on too strong in this situation will kill it.

chuff · Nov 2, 2006, 05:18 PM

It sounds like your pretty lucky in a way. Both you and her are coming off long term relationships and she is being extremely honest in saying that she want's to go slow and not get hurt. That being said, you should have the same caution brakes on as well. What she's doing is protecting herself but also inadvertently helping you too. At this point just keep in touch once or twice a week. Call at different days of the week so it doesn't come off as though you call her every Thursday at 5pm(or some designated time).

Wildcat21 · Nov 7, 2006, 12:21 PM

It doesn't seem logically - but Chuff is right. Maybe even once a week only for now. She may come back strong - Women's emotions come in waves... they DO Change their minds - it just matters how YOU handle it. Being in her face all the time will not help.

Be cool about this over the next few MONTHS and you may win out in the end. This is a freaking MARATHON - not a sprint. No rush - be busy - work harder at work.

Iain_A4 · Nov 8, 2006, 09:20 AM

Hi Guys,

Thanks very much for all the advice, I really do appreciate it! I'm not finding it easy, but am holding back from contacting her as far as possible. I did send her a text during the week after writing my message and had a reply, then she called at the weekend just for a chat.. we had a nice chat for about 15 minutes, and have just texted once since then. I'm thinking of giving her a call towards the end of the week.. do you guys think I'm going the right way?

I still really do like her and feel like I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard sometimes not to worry whether it seems like being a bit cold to her. I don't know, I think I'm being paranoid!

Anyway, thanks so far guys, look forward to hearing from you and I'll keep you up to speed!

:)

Skell · Nov 8, 2006, 02:59 PM

As long as you aren't simply using her a s a replacement for your 7 year relationship then keep going slow.

If you still have issues regarding your past relationship then I wouldn't do anything at all except deal with them first otherwise she is just a rebound and one or both of you will just be hurt again!

Wildcat21 · Nov 8, 2006, 03:08 PM

Slow!! Go Slow!!

Wildcat21 · Nov 8, 2006, 03:09 PM

go Slow!! Slow!!

talaniman · Nov 8, 2006, 03:35 PM

Go very slow!