[mumufarm]

Hi
I know there are loads of questions about similar questions, but I thought I'd ask because its driving me slightly crazy.
I've know this girl for about 2 years now. She's had a boyfriend for about the same time. She's never cheated on anyone and is really trustworthy. I've always looked at her as a friend. We get on so well and I regard her as one for the closest friends I know. We trust each other and share a lot. We used to work together and now we don't but we still talk a lot.
Suddnely when we stopped working together, we both missed each other so much and it brought us closer together. Its strange as whenever a few of us go out her boyfriend always ends up arguing with her maybe because he's quite a jealous type.
It kind of makes a few of us sad as we know what an amazing person she is and that we also think she is way too good for him. But at the end of the day as long as she is happy that's the main thing.
We've always had this close friendship where most of the people at work would say that we were going out. But it was just a really close bond between us. Some of my friends were saying to us that we should go out... but we never thought about it and just laughed it off.

LAst month though, I questioned my feelings for her as one of my other friends said that we would be so great together. We get on so well, laugh, have wicked times, have same interests... in fact the more I thought about it, the more I relised how much more I felt for her. I felt guilty as I always think that guys and girls can be friends without either thinking more.

Last week was my last week in the Uk as I was leaving for the far east for 6 months to work. A few of us went out and it was going to be the last I saw them for 6 mpnths. Near the end of the night, there were 3 of us left; My best friend, me and another friend who we both confide in. My other friend said to me, "there is so much i want to tell you but can't"
I think she was acting as a go-betweener for me and my best friend.
Anyway she left leaving my best friend and I. We ended up kissing, going back to hers... and then just kissing lots... no sex. But we both kept feeling guilty at various points during the episode. Even one point where her boyfriend called up and she went to talk to him then came back and we ended up kissing again. Anyway, the next morning was OK, slghtly awkward. But we spoke to each other and it seems back to normal in a way. However, I've left the country and I miss her so much more than anyone else I know. And she misses me a lot. She has said some stuff that has left me confused about how she really feels. I am lost to think does she like me or not. Ok, she was drunk when we kissed. And she told me she loved me then as well. But we always say that to each other because we care so much for each other. But when she said that, I stopped, and looked at her because it sounded like I LOVE YOU in the-way-like-you-want-to-spend-your-life-with-them-way. But after the next couple days she has said stuff about us being friends for life and that she doesn't want to lose our friendship. I agree because that is worht more to me. She has said how upset emotional she is at the moment and how she loves me so much and misses me. She has knots in her stomach because she is so confused. But how does she really feel? I think knowing is bad, but not knowing is hurting me because I can't stop thinking about her at all.
I think it hurts a lot as I know I am yearning for something I can never have... but I am also happy as long as she is... genuinely. God this is driving me up the wall. I mean I know none of you can tell me how she feels especially since you don't know us... but your thoughts please would be much appreciated.

[I wish]

Nor matter how you look at it, it's not in your favor.

1) She's taken = off limits

2) If she did anything with you = cheating

3) How can you trust a cheater?

4) If she leaves her boyfriend for you, then who's the say she won't leave you for another guy.

You're only friends with her right now because you have false hope.

The only chance you can be with her is if she breaks up with her boyfriend naturally, give her some time to recover, and then maybe you can consider a relationship.

But until then, it's better if you backed off until your feelings for her have disappated. If she's really your best friend, she would understand she will still be there when you've gotten over her.

[xoxaprilwine]

There where a few things going on for her:

*She won't see you for 6 months*
*She is confused*
*She used bad judgment*
*She was drinking*
*She may have issues in her relationship that make her unhappy as we don't know her intimate relationship with him*

Now, she has been with this boyfriend for 2 years. This categorizes her as in a "committed" relationship. She should not have lost control that night with you the way she did. No one can really hold you responsible for being a guy but she does know better. HER BOYFRIEND CALLED WHILE YOU GUYS WHERE KISSING AND SHE STILL RESUMED TO MAKE-OUT WITH YOU!! That is so wrong, guilt alone should have made you running out the front door. She cheated (as your relationship with her is considered emotional and now physical (kissing)). She should be confiding and kissing her boyfriend and not you so there is something going on with her that isn't quite right. If you do ever end up in a relationship with her and she develops another close relationship with another guy; trust me you would act the way her boyfriend does. If you heard blah, blah, blah about another guy your girlfriend is friends with (and is not a mutual friend) TRUST ME YOU WOULD BE ANNOYED. Actually I am surprised the boyfriend listens to it... it cuts his esteem down (I know it would make me feel inferior to my boyfriends friend if she took the confiding position). This puts misplaced trust in the person your with and no one should take the position that a boyfriend is in, in any emotional sense.

*So the boyfriend isn't the jealous type - he could be feeling inferior to your relationship with her*

*You can be friends with the opposite sex. I have had a friend for 14 years; we also have a lot in common and have a special bond BUT he is now a very good friend of my man and like an Uncle to my kids - there are no secrets and no intentions. This guy is my BROTHER and I call him that :)*

*Keep note: she kissed you on purpose to think about her when your gone for 6 months - keep you on a string*

Honestly, if you want to stay friends fine. Be respectful of her boyfriend because you wouldn't want this happening to you in the future. She is in a relationship so I suggest you stay away... even if she does break up with him don't start dating right away... let things happen as they do but don't be the rebound (after 2 years of a relationship; rebound is a very big possibility). Even if you do date her, how do you know she won't cheat on you with her ex? Take your time. You both sound young - get out there and date... move on and don't waste your 6 months away by "thinking" then later wishing you could have done more things and met more people.

One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present. Javier Flores - The 7Habits of Highly Effective People

[mumufarm]

Thank you, you both made some really interesting truthful points which is what I was hoping for.
On a small note, I was riddled with guilt - and even got changed... but I am weak too and I admit it. I feel guilty even now. But obviously feelings for her are more overwhelming than the guilt. But I shall use both if yours advise and start moving away and letting the feelings go and build the relationship back to just the friendship.
Thank you again

[I wish]

But i shall use both if yours advise and start moving away and letting the feelings go and build the relationship back to just the friendship.

If you can't handle that right now then go ahead. The risk of continuing to talk to her while you still have feelings for her will just give you false hope because you will over-analyze everything she says. It's usually better to distance yourself until your feelings for her are gone, so that you don't prolong the healing process.

If she was really your friend, she would understand that you need time to get over her before you can actually continue the friendship. If she stops being friends with you because she can't understand this concept, then she's not really a good friend of yours in the first place.