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Something_Here · Oct 6, 2009, 02:55 PM

Yeah, it's another one of those posts :)

My girlfriend broke up with me a few hours ago (I kind of saw it coming though). She said she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. We had a long talk, and talked about the possibility of staying friends, perhaps after a small break.

Do you guys think it's a bad idea to keep seeing her? I really love her, and I'm afraid that maybe I just want the chance to keep seeing her (for the wrong reasons), although I don't think we'll get together again. At the same time, we get along pretty good, and it's very tempting, I don't know. I'll at least have to meet her again just to talk. Right now I don't know how I'm even going to be able to sleep, much less to any school work (got a thesis deadline coming up).

So what do you think? Any answers much appreciated.

friend4u178 · Oct 6, 2009, 03:22 PM

Sorry to hear of your breakup.

Seeing her right now or attempting to stay friends is a really bad idea because you won't be able to move on and it will just fill you with false hope of trying to get back together.

Best thing to do at the moment is go complete No Contact so you can start your healing process , it's not easy but something you need to do for your own good.

Others will be along to give you more advice , and read the stickies at the top of the forum to give you some ideas on how to get through this.

Good Luck!

qerp32 · Oct 6, 2009, 03:22 PM

Sounds like you handled it very well - you should be pleased with yourself! You're in a very good position to begin moving on. Looks like you've passed the denial stage already also which will give you a head-start.

Coming to these forums may have saved you from going through a lot of unnecessary pain. The only thing you can do at the moment is cut all contact with her. That means no MSN, emails, phonecalls, nothing! Oh and if you have her on Facebook delete her ASAP! I've lost count of the number of people who come on here posting about Facebook and breakups.

You see, any kind of contact you have with her will only push her away further, and more importantly it will keep you feeling how you are right now. You won't be able to heal. I'm sure you don't want that. No one would. Don't believe me? Have a read around here, I'm sure it won't take long to convince you :p

You say you'll "need" to meet her again just to talk - I know exactly how you feel. This is especially bad during the early stages. All you want to do is hear her voice, and you feel you have nothing to lose so may as well give it a shot. Do not give in! The first few days are by far the worst. If you can go the rest of the week without contacting her, you'll be well on your way to recovery and feeling great again. You've done great so far, don't screw it up now! I'll say again - no contact is the only way out. No-contact means no-contact. No exceptions. Do not reply to any kind of message, answer the phone, nothing. Your judgement is going to be extremely clouded at the moment, if she tries to communicate with you it does not mean she wants to get back with you. She is just easing her own guilt. Do not reply! You'll feel like an idiot afterwards.

Hope this was of some help, and good luck to you.

Something_Here · Oct 6, 2009, 03:31 PM

Thanks for your reply friend :)

I've been reading around the forum a bit as well. You're probably right, I should probably just try to stay away. The ironic thing is that back in the beginning, I figured that "there's no way this will last" (she's several years younger than me), but I guess I've been shoving that feeling to the back of my head as I've gotten more involved.

Staying friends is might as you say be a bad idea, but I kind of want to meet her again just to talk a little about us, would that be bad? I'm just hurting right now, I need at least a little more closure.

Sorry if I'm rambling on, and thanks for the reply. I appreciate your support.

Something_Here · Oct 6, 2009, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by qerp32

You say you'll "need" to meet her again just to talk - I know exactly how you feel. This is especially bad during the early stages. All you want to do is hear her voice, and you feel you have nothing to lose so may as well give it a shot.

I wrote my last post before reading your reply, I guess you're right :P All I want to do at the moment is hold her, talk to her, hug her...

Thanks a lot for you support guys, I really, really appreciate it.

qerp32 · Oct 6, 2009, 03:37 PM

People don't break up with each other for no reason - I think you've had all the closure you need. Talking with her won't do anything but hurt you more. Trust me, been there, done that. If she really has completely screwed up (highly doubtful), let her be the one to ask for you back.

Walk away now, you'll look back and be proud that you did.

Edit: Glad to be of some help. :p

friend4u178 · Oct 6, 2009, 04:30 PM

Originally Posted by Something_Here

Staying friends is might as you say be a bad idea, but I kind of want to meet her again just to talk a little about us, would that be bad? I'm just hurting right now, I need at least a little more closure.

The thing is what do you need to discuss? Are you wanting to meet up with her to maybe see if she'll change her mind or to see if you can talk her out of it? This is where you need to be honest with yourself because right now your mind is in emotional turmoil and sometimes we try to trick ourselves into thinking something can be done to ease the pain.

Sorry if I'm rambling on, and thanks for the reply. I appreciate your support

Ramble away my friend , we're all here to help if we can and get you through this as best as we can.

I wish · Oct 6, 2009, 05:02 PM

Any break up is tough. It takes time to heal. Being friends right now is a bad idea because you still want to give this relationship another chance. So the more you keep in touch, the more false hope you'll have. That would just add to the confusion. It will lead you to over-analyze all her actions and the worst part is, you will have a very difficult time moving on.

Avoid contacting her so that you can heal from this break up. Once you've recovered, then you can view the situation is a more objective perspective and go from there.

Something_Here · Oct 7, 2009, 06:57 AM

I've talked to a couple of friends, and they'll definitely hear more about it, but you guys on this forum have probably helped me more than anything.

I really wanted to call her earlier today, and I had to go to the restroom at school just to cry, I even woke up at 5:30 this morning and immediately started wailing. Having trouble eating as well, just feel sick. I feel like I'm in a song by Enrique Iglesias or something...

I spoke with a (girl)friend of mine earlier today about relationships and stuff, and she gave me some perspective, but she also talked about how the "spark" will always disappear after a while and how you have to work on love etc. That just gave me hope and made me think what if, so that kind of made it worse.

Reading around the forum helps, because I feel so at home in what you guys say, I would want nothing more right now than to hold her.

I wish · Oct 7, 2009, 07:07 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. But you got to believe that staying away from her would be in your best interest. Any contact or communication with her will only add to the confusion and prolong your pain and suffering.

You made a great first step by not calling her. You just need to keep it up. It's possible the pain could get worse before it starts getting better. Just be patient with yourself. With time, it will get easier.

However, I do caution that you not pick up if she contacts you. You might even want to consider changing your number.

Here are the no contact rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

If you ever feel the urge to contact her, fight it:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

Good luck!

qerp32 · Oct 7, 2009, 07:15 AM

You're doing well, and as Iwish said, it will get better. You will still have moments of weakness for weeks to come - don't let them get you down too much. We've all been through it. Find someone to talk to or read these forums whenever you're feeling like contacting her.

she also talked about how the "spark" will always disappear after a while and how you have to work on love etc

I had the same thought when my ex broke up with me. She gave me the whole "spark gone" thing too. These are young women we're talking about, they still have their whole lives ahead of them. If she really did like you that much then I'm sure she'd want to work it out with you, but the fact is she doesn't, else she wouldn't have broken up with you.

Hang in there!

Something_Here · Oct 8, 2009, 03:59 PM

It's chaos in my head right now. I've spoken with a couple of more friends, and I'm a little messed up.

I just spent a couple of hours at a friends place. He had a difficult break a little under two years ago, so he was able to relate pretty well to my situation. A lot off the stuff he said was the same that you guys have been saying, that I should avoid contact, it would be really hard meeting her again, delete Facebook etc.

He said something that made a lot of sense to me at least, and I'm curious what you guys think. My girlfriend (can't quite bring myself to saying ex) is 17 years old, and he talked about how that can be a time when a lot of people are unsure what they want, and that she might also have been afraid to commit to strongly to a relationship (perhaps subconsciously). Perhaps she wants to live life so to speak, and not be tied up in a relationship, and the fact that I'm in a different life situation than both her and all her friends that she talks to everyday may have made it harder for her.

After I got back, I spoke with another friend of mine on the phone for a while and filled him in on the situation. He wondered if I had tried to fight for her, which of course made me wonder if I should, although I pretty much know what you guys are going to say about that. We talked about it for a while, and after I tried to convince him (and myself) that it would be a stupid idea, he kind of reneged, saying it should be preventive in stead of putting out fires.

Then he said something that again made sense, but kind of hurt. In his opinion, you have to be careful about how you interact with your girlfriend (me:"what about trust? You should be able to be yourself":P) and show her the side of you that she originally fell for, and let her see you in a social setting where you interact with my friends. This is one area where I failed. We usually hung out just the two of us, and we haven't been seeing a lot of the other persons friends, at least not lately. In his words: there are buttons that are really easy to push, but you have to push them regularly. Of course, both the "keeping your game up even into the relationship" and "fighting for to keep her" made me think what if. He also recommended that I delete her from Facebook though.

He figured she might have had a certain impression of me in the beginning that may have turned out not to be who I was. This was pretty much in line with what a woman friend of mine said (the same one who said the spark will always disappear). She claimed that a woman will usually go into a relationship with a certain expectations, and that she may eventually have found that reality was not what she expected.

Anyway, after I just had to check on her Facebook earlier today, I realized that both you and them are - of course - right, and I've now unfriended her on Facebook and deleted her Phone no. Although to be honest, I saved a ton of pictures from her profile to my hard drive first, and if she calls, I will most likely pick up. But it's a start.

Sorry about the long post, but I just have to get my thoughts down to structure them a bit.

friend4u178 · Oct 8, 2009, 04:22 PM

It's quite normal to try to anylize everything in your head at this point , the problem is when your so early into the break up your not thinking rationally as there is still all the emotional dust flying around in your head with all the ifs and buts.

Bottom line is she knows how you feel about her and realises she could have you back in the blink of an eye if she really wants to.

So leave her alone to work out her issues and don't pester her because if anything that'll just push her away further. If you don't contact her she may just realise she misses you and come back. If not then it's just not meant to be.

Something_Here · Oct 8, 2009, 04:30 PM

Thanks for a clear and concise answer! :)

I'm not entirely sure that it would work out if we tried again, I'm worried that this would be a dark cloud hanging over us, and I would be afraid of losing her again, making cramped attempts at avoiding it.

But say she does want to get back together, how should I go about it then? And just to be clear, you still don't want me to pick up the phone if she calls right? So if she wants to get back together, she would have to come to my apartment or something then, right?

friend4u178 · Oct 8, 2009, 04:38 PM

You don't pick up correct , and if and when she wants to come back , you cross that bridge if you come to it.

The point being by you thinking she may or may not etc. your not letting go , so what happens is you get stuck in this limbo stage and any little sign you get your brain sees it as a positive instead of what it really is.

We call this False hope , and it's one of the devils of the healing process.

winding200 · Oct 8, 2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by Something_Here

I really love her, and I'm afraid that maybe I just want the chance to keep seing her (for the wrong reasons), although I don't think we'll get together again.

You already know she will not be with you anymore. If you still keep the false hope, try to see, you will need to pretend you do not feel any pain. It will toorture you more.
The best way is NC, and move on. I am sorry for your hurt... I really do.

Something_Here · Oct 13, 2009, 02:03 PM

Who would have thought that the measure of a good day is one that doesn't start with crying... :p

It's been a week, and there's been some improvement. I've started working out again, and seeing how much the endorphins high helps, I'm going to become Hulk Hogan by christmas.. :)

I still miss her, still feel lonely at times, but not quite as bad. Just hope she doesn't try to contact me and that I'll be able to keep up NC. Met her step dad today to give him some stuff of hers, that was enough to set me back a little, so running into her would be a category five event.

jmjoseph · Oct 13, 2009, 02:28 PM

Sorry for your pain. But one day, not yet, you will look back on this and say "Wow, she REALLY wasn't THE one".

You'll be happy one day, you'll see. With time, you'll be fine.

Love gives us our highest highs, or lowest lows.

Good luck to you.

friend4u178 · Oct 13, 2009, 05:12 PM

That's why No Contact is such an essential weapon in breakups , you said yourself how you had a little setback just by seeing her step Dad and giving back some of her stuff.

If you ever get the urge to contact her just remember that and think how many further steps you'd go back , your doing good , hang in there!!

Something_Here · Oct 14, 2009, 07:51 AM

Thanks guys!

"Love gives us our highest highs, or lowest lows." I like that, I'll keep that in mind. :)