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    Lilywhite's Avatar
    Lilywhite Posts: 47, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Oct 6, 2009, 07:11 AM
    Bothersome, old friend
    Hi,

    Many years ago I ended a friendship with a woman which had been very destructive for years. Weīve been friends since high school, so it was not easy. The reason I ended it was mainly that this woman drank heavily and was abusive in many ways. Her behaviour was erratic and her anger scared me.

    I told her more than ten years ago I didnīt want to continue this friendship. That caused her to harrass me every single day, call my other friends and relatives and basically stalk me from weeks on end. I decided then to take her calls, just speak about different matters and then pretended to be busy. She got the message after a few calls like that.

    She moved away with her husband and family and is now moving back here. I am good friends with her sister and would hate to lose her friendship. My old friend is acting up again and pretends she doesnīt understand why I donīt talk to her. She keeps pestering her sister who keeps asking me why I wonīt speak to her, although I told her some time ago I would never speak to her again and that the friendship was and is over.

    Now the sister sent me an e-mail, telling me she can only meet me in hiding, because otherwise her sister (my old friend) would go nuts.

    I feel helpless at the moment. It took such a long time to shake her out of my life and I would prefer not to go through it again.

    Hope to hear from some advice.
    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,866, Reputation: 280
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    #2

    Oct 6, 2009, 07:43 AM

    So, what is it that you want to know here? How to avoid your ex friend or how to deal with the loss of her not being your friend, or how to keep her out of your life?
    xoxaprilwine's Avatar
    xoxaprilwine Posts: 582, Reputation: 71
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    #3

    Oct 6, 2009, 07:49 AM

    Holly cow! Well, I have family that had a friend like that... but... not so crazy! This lady has a husband and kids and she still behaves this way? Well I know your friends with her sister and I guess... you tried to do it nicely, you tried to be busy, finally she moved away and yet still... the lady resumed her control to access you and then control the friendship. Control, control and control... if she can't have it isn't the question. SHE WILL HAVE IT HER WAY! So, what do you do? You should be honest... the only way you will get her out is if you continue to be friends not in hiding with her sister (drive the point home) and when she calls - don't answer - don't listen to the messages - delete. Don't answer numbers you don't know either. Sometimes these people need a strong push in the right direction. After not answering her call after a month she should get the message loud and clear. Does her sister know the whole story? You might have to give her a very brief and undiscriminated version of why you don't want to have a relationship with the crazy sister (explain how she effects all area's of your life) to the other sister; she will need further exposure on the matter. Unfortunately, you still have to be nice in the explanation and only give information that can be relayed as her sister might tell her some details. Keep it short and friendly but to be frank and honest at the same time.

    If you bump into her, you will have to face it and the best way is to be nice and positively fresh. Practice it! Oh, your busy with work (but don't ever tell her where you work - she is the type to bother you there), your kids, housework - life is good and most importantly KEEP IT SHORT... leave little room for her to rebuttal and if she does say you have an appointment and you have to go. Never give her your number but take hers and RUN. Gosh, there is a lot you can do to avoid her but you still have to do it nicely.

    Keep being busy... don't bother confronting her she will just become more aggressive (as being destructive means she isn't assertive but aggressive) so keep it low key and friendly but short if there is a bump in. If she shows up at your house... grab your keys and jacket and say you where just running out and you will call her later. Things like that. If she persists say: I really have to run or I will be late but I will catch up with you later - don't and eventually she will get the message.

    I am really sorry, I hope you get things worked out.
    Lilywhite's Avatar
    Lilywhite Posts: 47, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Oct 6, 2009, 10:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by adam_89 View Post
    So, what is it that you want to know here? How to avoid your ex friend or how to deal with the loss of her not being your friend, or how to keep her out of your life?
    Actually, both. I donīt want to meet her. I want her out of my life.

    Yet, every time I tell her this clearly and calmly, she goes nuts and starts harassing me.

    Sometimes I think she wants to do me some harm. She has threatened me several times.
    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,866, Reputation: 280
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    #5

    Oct 6, 2009, 11:02 AM

    You need to put a restraining order on her right away. The cops need to be aware of this situation if she is putting your life in danger
    Lilywhite's Avatar
    Lilywhite Posts: 47, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Oct 6, 2009, 12:54 PM
    Iīve aldready told the cops.

    I donīt know how to deal with the sister.

    Should I tell her again I donīt wish to see her and anything else is not open for discussion? (That is, her sister, my old friend, not her)

    Youīre so right, this is all about control.
    xoxaprilwine's Avatar
    xoxaprilwine Posts: 582, Reputation: 71
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    #7

    Oct 6, 2009, 05:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Lilywhite View Post
    Iīve aldready told the cops.

    I donīt know how to deal with the sister.

    Should I tell her again I donīt wish to see her and anything else is not open for discussion? (That is, her sister, my old friend, not her)

    Youīre so right, this is all about control.
    It always is about control. Unfortunately, you will have to deal with her as per some of my recommendations. I know it has worked BUT your house or your car are a worried thing... guaranteed she won't hurt you but she may vandalize... this is the worst case scenario. Your not moving and don't... do what I said and give her no further thought... she is a Vampire Aura and sucks the energy out of you leaving you tired, low energy and actually depressed. These people generally are harmless... their bark is louder then their bite but it sounds like you have a tough case on your hands. I hope you can emotionally and mentally move on with your life because the first step in not giving someone your power is not to think of them. If you need to dissolve the relationship with the other sister to get her off, then I suggest you do and try to meet other people.

    Sorry about what you are going through :(
    Xox
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #8

    Oct 7, 2009, 12:22 PM

    I think you have to stop hanging out with both sisters. It's not fair but it's the only option you have that I can see.

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