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Fantana · Oct 5, 2009, 08:24 AM

Threads merged multiple times

I have recently found myself in a situation I haven't had a lot of experience dealing with in the past. I met a girl recently who I really like a lot. We went out on a date that seemingly went very well, and towards the end of the date I kissed her and spent some time snuggling after that. At the end of the date however she kind of rushed out of the car and there wasn't the kind of lingering goodbye you would expect from someone who you just had a really good night with. She didn't speak to me for a couple of days after. When I finally did speak with her again she told me that she isn't sure she's ready to date anyone as she recently got out of a 3 year relationship. I told her I wasn't looking to dive right into anything either and that I would like to take things slow and work on building a friendship first, which she was happy to agree on.

Since then we've been on a few more 'dates' and spent a lot of time together. When we do spend time together it feels like there is still a lot of flirting going on, however now I feel super-cautious about any romantic moves I make. We've gotten to a point where when we sit and watch a movie together and I'll put my arm around her, and she curls up into me. I read into this as her being interested, but again I'm trying to take things slow so I don't progress it beyond an embrace.

The problem I am having is, I'm not sure if I'm coming on too strong. I get mixed signals, but I am having trouble determining how she feels. She doesn't shy away from flirting or do things that suggest my romantic advances are making her uncomfortable either which is confusing me. For example: the other night I had her over for dinner and cooked a meal that she told me afterward that she really enjoyed. I told her that I don't normally do that for just anyone and that I usually only cook nice meals for someone I really like. We spent the whole night together, but the next day I tried to talk to her while she was online and she completely ignored me (and I knew this because a friend of mine was also talking to her at the same time). Should I take this as a sign that she needs more space? Should I confront her about this and explain that I found it kind of rude when she could have just told me she was too busy to talk? Could it be that I'm coming on too strong? What are some things that I can do to help slow things down without coming off as losing interest?

Fantana · Oct 5, 2009, 08:35 AM

I have been seeing a girl now for a few weeks, and we're taking things quite slow. After our first date she told me that she is still getting over a break up from a long term relationship, and that she isn't quite sure that she is ready to date. We've decided to take things slow and work on building a friendship first. Since then I've been spending time with her and things seem to be going well. We still flirt, and act in ways that two people who are going to be just friends wouldn't act - i.e. romantic gestures, snuggling on the couch, etc. She seems like she's slowly warming up to me, but I'm starting to wonder if she wasn't being completely honest with me about not being ready to date.

The other night when I was over at her house she had a bouquet of roses in a vase on her table. I'm not a flower expert, but I am pretty sure that roses aren't a common decoration in most people's homes, and are usually given to someone for romantic reasons. So I'm starting to wonder if she is in fact dating other people and lying to me about not being ready to date. My suspicions escalated over the weekend when we were spending time together and decided to go see a movie. She told me that she saw the movie I was suggesting the night before (and it is clearly a date kind of movie) so I started wondering again if maybe she was out on another date. Am I overreacting? Should I confront her about this? I wouldn't be as concerned about her dating other people if she didn't tell me that she wasn't ready to date, but now I feel like I'm being lied to. Should I just keep it to myself and see how things develop?

jaime90 · Oct 5, 2009, 10:02 AM

Be honest with her without blaming her for anything. The key is making sure her defenses don't go up when you approach her about this. Be sweet and kind- say something like, "honey, I know you never intended for me to feel this way, but I've been suspicious about you going on other dates. I know it's not your intention, it's just my suspicion." Her defenses won't go up, she'll see that you're an honest, open person, and hopefully- you'll get your answer!

kctiger · Oct 5, 2009, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by Fantana

I have been seeing a girl now for a few weeks, and we're taking things quite slow. After our first date she told me that she is still getting over a break up from a long term relationship, and that she isn't quite sure that she is ready to date.

My rule on dating women: NEVER date or try to be their friend after this. She needs some time to rid herself of past emotions. I am sorry, but I am of the opinion you cannot get over someone while using another guy/girl (whatever the opposite sex may be) as an emotional crutch.

Roses are for romantic purposes in general, but it seems to me that you shouldn't be worried about it anyway. You clearly have expectations that go beyond friendship, with a girl who has a lot of baggage left over. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster, either way you cut it.

You have zero right to know if she is dating, or becoming "friends" with another guy. You aren't her boyfriend, she can do what she pleases. Not trying to be mean, but that is the way it is.

I wish · Oct 5, 2009, 12:01 PM

In addition to what Kc said already. You're the result of a rebound. Who knows if she's dating around. The point is, you already told her how you felt about her and she said she's not ready for a relationship.

She already knows how you feel about her, so back away and let her make the next move. If she wants something more, let her come find you.

Becoming friends first means that she's not interested in a romantic relationship and it's just another way of letting you down easy.

Fantana · Oct 5, 2009, 12:57 PM

That is kind of what I thought about the flowers. I guess I just shouldn't let my curiosity eat away at me. I know it isn't my business so I don't think I should be asking about them. As for the friendship thing, when we had the talk about being friends first we did talk about the possibility of pursuing a relationship once we get to know each other better and she's ready. So I don't feel like that door has completely closed. I've been in a similar situation before and ended up in a relationship because I stuck it out. I feel by continuing to make my intentions known, but doing it in a more subtle way that eventually she'll come around. It's a strange relationship because there is still a lot of flirting and alluding to things that people who are just friends don't do, but only time will tell I guess. I'm just thrown off because I would think that someone who is just interested in being friends would put a stop to my advances or run away.

Fantana · Oct 5, 2009, 01:02 PM

Sorry this post was so long, I just wanted to try and paint a clear picture of the situation. Could really use some help.

ThehopelessGuy · Oct 5, 2009, 01:32 PM

I'm no expert bud, but if your not kissing and just getting close I don't see how its coming on too strong, and hey how do you know she isn't thinking:

"Maybe IM coming on to strong to him... maybe ill leave him be for today"... but don't be drag'g along for the ride, waite a few days to see if things still feel normal and if she still hudels next to you then your just thinking too much into it... if not and she continues to keep distance talk to her in person about it.

ThehopelessGuy · Oct 5, 2009, 01:33 PM

Oh and don't worry about have to long of a post, how I see it if someone won't take the time to read and respond to a long post their opinions were useless anyway.

Fantana · Oct 6, 2009, 09:56 AM

I recently went out on a first date with a girl and I kissed her towards the end of the night. It was a brief kiss and afterward she cuddled up next to me for a while. However at the end of the night she left rather quickly. A few days later she told me she wasn't sure if she was ready to be kissing yet, so I told her we'd take a few steps back. Since then we've been out on a few more dates, and it feels like we're getting progressively more comfortable with each other. She lets me put my arm around her, and cuddles with me when we're watching TV on the couch. There is also a very noticeable 'tension' between us, and we both do a lot of flirting with each other. I'm just wondering when I should try kissing her again? And also - how should I go about doing it? One friend told me to ask, while another told me to tell her how much I want to. Others have told me just do it, but I've got this voice in the back of my head reminding me that she freaked out the first time. What should I do?

Clough · Oct 6, 2009, 01:47 PM

Hi, Fantana!

When the time is right, you'll both know. Best not to be forcing things. Sounds like you and she are already having a good time!

What do you think might be causing the "tension", please?

Hopefully, others will also come along to offer their advice.

Thanks!

Fantana · Oct 6, 2009, 01:51 PM

By 'tension' I mean there is a lot of flirting and alluding to things. Kind of like a sexual tension, but not quite as raw I guess. I'm just trying to figure out if its playful flirting, or if there is truth behind it. Like I said I'm scared to act on it because I don't want her to feel like I'm not respecting her wanting to slow things down. The mixed signals throw me off a bit I guess

Clough · Oct 6, 2009, 02:06 PM

Hi again, Fantana!

Are you in a rush to do intimate, physical things with her?

Thanks!

Fantana · Oct 6, 2009, 03:20 PM

No not necessarily - I would
Just like to kiss her again really

jaime90 · Oct 6, 2009, 05:01 PM

She's your girlfriend now and you've been on a few dates- do what she suggests. If she's not ready for kissing don't kiss her. If you feel like things are physically progressing between you two, I would consider stepping back. It's probably not a good idea to hint at intimacy before you know she's the one- especially when she's not even ready to kiss you yet. If you want to kiss her and you're really stuck here, your best bet is to ask her. Either hint at something to try to get an answer, or be a gentleman and ask straight up. Here's a little story: I found a friend when I was 15 years old. We were friends until I was almost 17 that was when we decided to start a relationship. Once we did begin a relationship, we didn't kiss-NOT EVEN ONCE- until my 18th birthday. He asked me (in a romatic setting) "so what do you think about kissing before the marriage alter?" (I had told him before I didn't want to kiss until my wedding day.) And we kissed- with my permission of course. And now- over a year later, we know where we're going in life, and we're engaged- he's also my one and only- he was my REAL first kiss. The point of the story is: don't rush things, build up your friendship, and be a gentleman about it. Ask her before you do anything.

itsamor · Oct 6, 2009, 05:04 PM

Lean into her face look in her eyes and she'll kiss you automatically if she feels it too. Trust me. Don't force it or make it awkward. Haha actually the first kiss I had with the only guy I've ever loved was SO AWKWARD! He just plain out said "i really wanna kiss you" when we were hanging out it was dorky but cute hehe "what ever will be, will be"

ItWasMe · Oct 7, 2009, 01:49 PM

Hey,

I would leave it up to her, talk to her, get to know her more, be friends, this is what will make a stable foundation for your relationship.

She said she wasn't ready, this is a sign that you maybe need to look for better signals, when the time is right and she wants to kiss you she will do :)

Don't take it all too seriously, try not to over think things and do what comes naturally, have fun.

Fantana · Oct 7, 2009, 01:53 PM

I think you're right, patience is key. We had another date last night, and there was a lot of cuddling on the couch involved. She seems very secure and comfortable with me, but there hasn't been a moment yet where it feels like the right time to try again. I'll keep at it and hopefully that time will come soon.

jaime90 · Oct 7, 2009, 02:55 PM

Remember not to kiss her without her permission- if you do, it could get ugly (as you have seen previously- but it would probably worse the second time you make that mistake)

Fantana · Oct 9, 2009, 08:43 AM

I've written a couple of questions regarding an ongoing situation I find myself in. But just a quick recap to help people with answering my question. I'm currently seeing a girl that I've been with for about a month now. We're taking things quite slow, but there is definitely something building (at least I have the impression it is). We're at a point where we are cuddling on the couch and flirting a lot, but we haven't kissed since the first date. After the first date she told me she wasn't sure if she was ready to start dating, however every time we've been together since then I get the opposite impression. The last time we got together I gave her a massage and we laid out on the couch with my arms around her and holding hands.

Recently I have been getting suspicious that she might be seeing other people. There was a bouquet of roses sitting on her table that I noticed last week while we were together. She is also getting constant IM alerts on her computer while we're hanging out, which she will sometimes get up to check if they get excessive. I see her ignoring other people, which is great while we're hanging out because I take it as a sign of respect and good manners. However I find that sometimes I'm the one being ignored when we're not together. I can't help but wonder if she is ignoring me because she is spending time with someone else the way she does with me. She also never talks about the things she does with her friends, other than vague details like 'oh we went out for dinner' or 'we watched a movie.' I just find this strange because when I talk about things I do with my friends I usually tell somewhat of a story. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or jealous, which I totally don't want to come off as. After a month of seeing someone and feeling like it is progressing towards exclusivity, do I have the right to ask if she is seeing other people? And if yes, how should I go about doing it so that I don't come off as nosey or jealous?