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Duces22 · Oct 31, 2006, 07:24 PM

Greetings. I hope to get some feedback and advice on the following situation.

I met this girl through my room mate's brother over the summer. This girl was his rebound after he's GF left him. As the summer progressed, my room mate's brother got back with his ex after she wanting him back. Anyway, the girl he rebounded off showed a particular interest in me after he was happily back with his ex. I started talking to her a lot online and talked on the phone with her often. Our interest for each grew and grew as the summer went on. We found that we had a lot in common, but not too much were it would get boring. We started hanging out a little and she asked me to spend a week with her in her hometown. Our relationship progressed, kind of quickly, even more over that week in that we started hooking up and acted more like a couple. People would ask if we are official yet and she would say she still has issues with her ex to deal with before that can happen.

She was with her ex for about 2 years before the start of the summer, basically lived with him in his dorm room while at school. She would bring him up a lot in convos which should have been a big sign to me that she is not over him. As the summer came to a close, we were spending almost everyday together as she would spend nights at my place. We are very open with one another and can talk about anything and everything. Being physical with her was also quite amazing. I connected with her on such a high level, more than I have ever with a girl I believe. Needless to say, I was nuts about her, and she seemed the same about me. I asked her to become official with me after she said she thought she was over her ex, she said yes and thus the happiness continued and increased. After about 4 days of being "official", she started getting calls from her ex and realized she wasn't over him at all yet. She told me that she really wasn't ready to become official yet and wanted to be how we were before hand. I wasn't sure what to do, so I continued to see her and support her.

We still acting like we were a couple until after about 2 weeks of her being back at college. Apparently her ex had approached her and had started talking to her a lot and wanting to see her. He asked for her back at one point. As soon as he started talking to her like this, she basically stopped seeing me all of a sudden. She would tell me that she is seeing him talking to him a lot, and trying to figure out her feelings, not hiding anything from me at all. I barely saw her at all anymore. They would have long talks/arguments about if its feasible if they get back together, even to the point spending nights in each others dorm rooms. She said nothing happened between them physically. My room mates and friends had caught wind of this and didn't think to kindly of it because as far as they were concerned, we were still a couple. They all thought she was playing me or using me. I wasn't about to think negetively cause I was so crazy about her. After another week of barely seeing her and her seeing a lot of her ex and trying to figure stuff out, she became confused and didn't know what she wanted.

My friends that also talk to her weren't fans of the situation, they thought I was just going to get hurt if I continued to pursue her cause she would just end up back with her ex. She was actually contemplating getting back with him for a bit for different reasons, some didn't make sense. Her Ex seemed to want to get back with her and then end it again for closure reasons. From what I have heard about her ex, he wasn't all that supportive of her and they seemed to argue A lot. I have seen IM chats between them and he always seems to belittle her and insult her intelligence. I never understood what she saw in him after seeing that kind of stuff, but then again, they did have a big history together. She kept pointing out how much better I treated her compared to him. She wrote me a 2 page love letter saying how much she missed me, but she still remained confused on what to do about her ex. As I started to be able to see her again, my friends pointed out that she was basically seeing 2 guys at once that she had an interest in, this was not a good situation, so I told her that we weren't going to see each other anymore until she figured out what she wanted, as hard as that was. She didn't take that too well, she seemed to want me around as reinforcement that she doesn't need to go back to her ex cause she had something much better. A week after I made this decision, she wrote me that love letter. About a month went by of not seeing her and just talking to her online and stuff, she still remained confused. She said she needs repetition of her ex being a to her to know she can't go back to him. Given the situation at the time, I was kind of getting depressed and feeling miserable everyday waiting for her to make up her mind. I thought about her A lot still and everything we shared together and wondered if we would ever be together.

I finally saw her again when she said she was ready to see me again, she wasn't seeing her ex barely anymore due to school work. I asked her if she was ready to say goodbye to her ex and she said yes, but days later she became confused again. My friends kind of broke off there friendship with her cause they didn't approve of what she was doing, I couldn't tell if it was wrong or not cause I liked her soooo much. She came to a decision that she just wanted to be friends with me cause she admitted she still loves her ex, but doesn't know how much. I took that as a sign for me to move on and try to find someone else, she got angry that I was going to move on and forget about the bond we have. I started getting confused. She basically wanted me to wait for her, in that if she does get back with her ex and it doesn't work out, she would have me to fall back on. I am not sure that is fair to me. Is she just using me? Should I wait? Or does it seem like a lost cause and I should move on?. I know there is that saying "good things come to those who wait". Does that apply here? Sorry this ended up being so long, I wanted to put as many details in as I could

vin5000 · Oct 31, 2006, 09:20 PM

Guy move on and stop torturing yourself.

Ace High · Oct 31, 2006, 09:27 PM

Duces,

Why would you want to be seconds to anybody?? Your friends are right. She is using you. If she came back to you tomorrow, but her ex called her in a month and left you again, then what?? How long you going to do that to yourself?? If there was a role reversal, would she wait for you?? But everybody understands that sometimes life just hurts... I would try to make a clean break to just get a breather for myself. If she was going to be important to you in any regards, then taking a breather from her may open her eyes. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Ace

talaniman · Nov 1, 2006, 08:41 AM

Duces-Your path is clear, No contact at all, no visits no texting no nothing no matter what. You should have nipped it in the bud when she told you she still had feelings for her ex. HER PROBLEM that you should have run from. You need to work on you and find out why you allowed this to happen,this is not love and is not healthy. Get out and stay away. Your not ready for a mature relationship and she sure the hell isn't ready either. Work on your own issues and leave hers be. Not to be harsh, but you need to know she isn't for you, and there isn't that much love in the world to be some ones fool.

Wildcat21 · Nov 1, 2006, 08:53 AM

Don't be plan B.

Work on yourself.

I like to help people, but that was too much info. Might seriously suggest a therapist? I am serious.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 1, 2006, 09:11 AM

I would listen to Wildcat, I don't want to be plan b in my situation where I feel I may be on the backburner...

That would make you a doormat

Duces22 · Nov 1, 2006, 10:20 AM

Thanks guys for the responses, it is clear to me what needs to be done. Moving on is the only healthy option. I was kind of stupid for letting this happen to me but you live and learn. I just wanted some more opinions, that's y I came here. Sorry if the massive info I provided was a bit overkill.

Skell · Nov 1, 2006, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by Duces22

Thanks guys for the responses, it is clear to me what needs to be done. Moving on is the only healthy option. I was kinda stupid for letting this happen to me but you live and learn. I just wanted some more opinions, thats y I came here. Sorry if the massive info I provided was a bit overkill.

No, that's fine Duces. No need to apologise at all. Sometimes we need to vent. Hell, all of us here do it. We don't mind listening. I bet it made you feel better to get that off your chest and get some opinions from total stranges.

Now the challenge for you is to take those opinons, make your own judgment that you think is right and make sure you implement that judgement and stick with it.

Don't be plan B.

Your not stupid, sometimes we are just a little blind. But now you have realised it and can see it is up to you to fix it.

Move on and be healthy as you say.

Goos luck and keep us posted.

talaniman · Nov 1, 2006, 03:18 PM

The more info the better to form an opinion. As for being stupid... You are not alone.

Confession-Been there done that!! That's my story and I'm sticking to it
Confession- Wish I could say I won't be stupid again!
Confession-Wish I could say... Ah hell I better quite while I'm ahead??

Ace High · Nov 1, 2006, 04:39 PM

[QUOTE=Skell]No, that's fine Duces. No need to apologise at all. Sometimes we need to vent. Hell, all of us here do it. We don't mind listening. I bet it made you feel better to get that off your chest and get some opinions from total stranges.

Agreed, It is great to just vent even to total strangers. Sometimes, we become blind to what is right in front of us. --- Ace

Wildcat21 · Nov 1, 2006, 04:44 PM

Plan B - there will never be any respect. Ever.

CheryBombGirl · Nov 1, 2006, 06:14 PM

She's taken him for granted... for sure. I bet once he's moved on and she realizes that he's not around anymore for her, she's going to feel like she made a mistake. It sounds like her ex doesn't treat her right. They won't last. She'll be coming back to him eventually, but I wouldn't wait.

Wildcat21 · Nov 2, 2006, 09:30 AM

You never should wait.

No contact will give him power back for sure.

Duces22 · Nov 6, 2006, 09:01 AM

--update--
I talked to her over the weekend. I told her as long as she is still confused and still has feelings for her ex, I needed to move on and stop torturing myself over her. She accused me of being impatient and pressuring her into making a decision. She doesn't seem to realize that she is indeed using me like you guys said. She was apparently expecting me to wait for her to be over her ex so she could start something with me. That didn't seem like it was going to happen anytime soon. Thus starts the period of no contact with her.

KyLi22 · May 13, 2007, 03:49 PM

I have the same thing for you that I've said to many others on these boards...

SAFETY NET.. people are using others as safety nets, in case their relationship doesn't work... if they wanted you it would be YOU and only YOU...

Move on hun... there are better girls out there for you.. I promise...

Kyli22

s_cianci · May 13, 2007, 05:10 PM

I wouldn't wait around for her. Inform her that you will not wait in the wings while she makes up her mind. That may make her angry but you've got to be fair to yourself. Even if it makes her angry, she'll respect you all the more for taking such a stand, one which consists of being true to yourself and not letting yourself be manipulated or controlled by her or anyone else.