[newday]

My daughter is 20 yrs old. I was divorced from her mother for 3 years. I'm recently re-married. My daughter is very manipulative and has caused major damage towards my wife and new family. She wants me to leave my wife so that she can control me the way her mother did for 20 years in a very abusive marriage. I've tried to talk to my daughter about her behavior but she refuses to listen to my feelings. She has created an environment of hostility towards my new family that has my wife very uncomfortable with dealing with my daughter moving forward. I'm left with a choice of cutting the communication with my daughter or lossing my wife whom I love and my new family. In a very covert and sneeky way my daughter has systematically manipated the name of "father" to get what she wants. I do love my daughter but I'm tired of the games. I divorced her mother but it is like I have to divorce my daughter to get free of the cycle that she seems to have embraced from living under the same roof and learning all of this bad behavior for all these years. I feel totally helpess. I need to know how deal with this. I have my wife up in arms telling me that she wants me to be strong and not let my daughter do this to us. I'm trying to convince my wife that we need to choose our battles with these types of people and not let them get to us. My wife believes the only way for her to stop manipulating is for me to not deal with her at all. As long as my daughter feels she has an opening it will not stop. The irony is if I was to loose my new wife over this I will resent my daughter more and not want to ever talk to her again. Advice ?

[Wondergirl]

You've tried to "choose your battles" and it hasn't worked.

You stated the solution:
1. My wife believes the only way for her to stop manipulating is for me to not deal with her at all.
2. As long as my daughter feels she has an opening it will not stop.

Your wife is correct. You will be used and manipulated as long as you allow it. Stop allowing it if you value your marriage. Don't deal with your daughter at all.

[newday]

Thanks for the advice. I'm there and that is what I have to do. Understand the situation has been touchy because I wanted to believe that things could improve. As soon as I give and inch she takes a mile, the whole time I'm hearing all the drama of why she is entiled to act the way she does. I'm one of those people that tries to fix eveything. I had to have the realization that if this continues down this path I will loose my wife and end up a miserable regretul man. I've read enough material on maniluating people and borderline people to write my own book. The issue is that when it is your own daughter it is difficult. The interesting fact is that as soon as all the legal battles my ex waged against me finacially were defeated by my lawyer is when my daughter came around again. So he is the million dollar question. When and how do I deal with her again in my life ? Is the statement do not deal with her again meaning never ? Or is it until she appologizes and respects me and my family ? Or will that ever even happen ? My experience with these people is that they never change and eveything is someone else's fault. I'm not weak. I'm not being wishy washy. I want to know what to expect. I have delt with the abusive speech and emails of how "she" really feels for 3 years. My thinking is she needs to start looking in the mirror not pointing to others.

[newday]

I was married for 20 years to a Borderline wife that all but convinced me I was nuts. Then I finally got the courage to leave her and get divorced. She used every trick in the book to destroy me including using my children who are both adults (20-23). I met the most beautiful (inside and out) woman that I just adore and she also has two children. We fell in love and were married and are very very happy. However all of the legal battles were between my ex and I and somehow we were able to compartmentalize this in our relatioship and get through it. The issue is my 20 year old daughter is a clone of my ex and has caused damage in my marriage. So I literally have to cut the cord with her and stop dealing with her or I will be divorced again. Giving this backdrop here is my question.
How can I deal with all this drama ? I'm the one in the middle here and something has got to give. I honestly believe my marriage is one in a million and love my wife to death but the emotional roller coaster is freaking killing me. Not to mention I'm trying to work and re-establish everything I lost and raise two new children from my new marriage. I know, the experts say I should have waited to re-marry. However was I supposed to let the best thing that ever happened to me get away over a group of manipulating people. My first marriage was a literal prison but now that I'm free from it I'm in a emotional prison of the damn psycological warfair that has been waged against my new family. So it all goes back to my ex will not be happy until I'm not happy.

[tickle]

Hi newday, talk about overcoming advertsity, wow ! You managed to find a lovely new woman, fell in love, new family and you are happy. So you cut ties with your daughter, that's okay, when she is older she may regret her ways. You do what you have to get through this.

Drama. Well we all have some. You have more then most it seems. All I can say is keep a straight head. Can you move away to put distance between you and the ex ?

Start a new life in another State or country?

Ms tick

[J_9]

<threads merged>

[Gemini54]

If you know what you're dealing with - a Borderline or Narcissistic personality then you know that it is incredibly difficult to have a relationship with them. Your daughter has had the perfect model for her behavior - her mother - and now they are both trying to abuse, bully and manipulate you.

Sadly, there is only one thing that you can do. Limit contact as much as possible. Your new wife and family are your priority now. There is very little that you can do for your daughter as she has already shown you that she will cause as much trouble as she can whenever she can.

Your daughter is an adult and has her own life to live now - as do you. Do not repeat the cycle of abuse that you allowed yourself to suffer with your ex wife. You now have a choice. Yes, you will be the bad guy, and you will have to endure hearing about what a 'bad father' you are from them - but in the end it is your life and you need to choose what is good for you - your new wife.

She is right. You must limit contact as much as possible. If this means cutting yourself off from your daughter then so be it. You must be in control of any communication with her and not allow her to poison your new family. It's sad, but you must make the break from her like you did your ex wife. There will always be regret, but at least you will have been very clear about where your priorities lie. Your priority is your emotional and mental health.

[newday]

In my resolve to break the horrible cycle of abuse from an abusive marriage where the adult children have sided in the camp of my ex-wife I'm left with the emotional baggage and psycholigical effects of the whole divorce and marriage relationship. Being the one that made the choice to leave I'm now the bad person for pulling the plug. To make it even more interesting I decided to move on and get re-married to a woman that has boundless wisdom and strength that has overcome a very similar past. My own guilt of leaving my children who are adults to fall victim to a continued future with my ex and ex's family to further the abuse that runs free in this camp has left me confused. My un realistic idea that divorcing their mother could foster a environment to have new chance at a healthy relationship at this point of less than 3 years from the initial separation has come crashing down. So what is my question ? I have to cut all communication with the people that have taken advantage of me for over 20 years this I know. How do you get these adult children of mine to see me the right way ? All they see is their father is devoted to a new woman that they have made sure would be the devil in their eyes. My new wife is totally supportive of me however is very much justified in her dislike of the behavior that has attacked her husband (me) and also her and our family. In this new marriage I cannot let the dysfunction of my past filter in to my new life or I will be right where I was with new faces very soon. Sometime I wonder if I deserve a new marriage and to be happy ? Or a better point does my new wonderful wife deserve to see her husband have to go through all of this pain. Will I crack and end up resenting my new wife for her and I "staying" away from my children not out of us being selfish to have a new life but to protect the marriage and the woman I love. I cannot believe that I'm the only person that left a situation like this and had to divorce the whole family to not go insane. My main question is how do I stay healthy and know I made the correct choices when I made so many stupid mistakes it appears for so long.

[jham123]

Wow, pretty tough on there.

Understand, at this point you are still teaching your adult children how to act. They need to know at this point in their life that if they cross boundaries set forth by society, they will not be tolerated to participate in your life any further.

This is a powerful lesson they need. It has gone from "Daddy" to "Father" at this point... when one realizes that their father is there of his own free will and nothing more... that individual will grow up and appreciate you for a man and not just another TEET at which they can suckle from.

Yes, you hold your ground and you let your kids know that they are to act as adults and with respect or they can run off to the other camp and find someone else to play the role of "Daddy"

Don't be an enabler, teach the tough lesson...

A) it is your job
B) your kids will thank you later for showing them that they are in fact adults

The Wife and her family? You have to write them off... Act is if they no longer exist, the Abuse is still working on you. Besides, your kids need your attention. Who's lesson do you want them to learn? Her lesson of sickness and abuse? OR Your lesson on how adults interact with each other in a healthy society?

[newday]

My new wife and I have had a really bad time dealing with my adult children through the divorce proceedings and now after all the legal battles are over. They are very manipulative and very like their mother who is borderline. This is the backdrop of my question. I hate the "behavior" of my adult children. I still "love" them or at least I believe I do. My new wife hates them to the point where it makes me feel threatened. I think she is totally justifed in her feelings for the things my daughter in specific has done and said. I know women are more emotional than men and maybe this is because she is angry right now. The questions is what about when my daughter gets married or has children ? Will my wife always go back to the time that my daughter acted wrongly as her excuse for her to not see her ? I feel she will. I feel the marriage to my new wife will always be difficult for me because although my children will probably never accept my new wife and her children I will always be the one in the middle feeling like crap. My wife can say well they caused this. She will be correct. So do I continue the marriage under these circumstances or has too much bad blood have already occurred ? In other words when a man and a woman fall in love they have children typically and the problems that occur in life are "theirs" to go through. In my case I have my new family and those challenges plus "my" problems that caused problems for my wife and subsequently my marriage. Please understand when my children are out of the picture totally we have the best marriage and relationship. I'm her children's step dad and life is good. I'm trying to measure her "feelings" against the possibility that she is manipulating me into forgetting I have children of my own due to to her wanting me 100% for herself and her children. In other words she is finished with my adult children so I'm pretty much left with a choice of her and this life with her kids or divorce if I was to attempt to have a relationship with my daughter or son. Now my daughter is a master manipulator and she has no respect for myself or my wife. She deserves to be cut off at this point. My wife see's me as a softy that always melts for my children. I really have woke up on my own that I need to stop this cycle or I will loose my second wife. After 20 years of being in a borderline marriage I'm bound to have some areas that need growth. My new wife is looks at me like the lifelong overweight person that joins weight watchers at the age of 65 to loose 200 pounds. In other words she loves me for who I'am but I will not change and stop letting my children abusing me. I know I can. I'm a little slow I'm just pissed off that my new wife is the one telling me these things and I can't be smart enough on my own to know how to deal with these monsters I created. In others words although my wife is 100 % correct in her attitude will she use this as a stumbling block for the rest of my life whenever my children pop up. In other words after WWII many people hated the Japanese for pearl harbor. They still eat at japanese steak houses and drive japanese cars. Maybe not the best analogy but to never deal with my children again no matter how terrible they are is unrealistic. I just need to be a father to them at this point and be a good example to them moving forward. Thanks.

[newday]

Ok this is my last ? For a while. At the age of 43 and re-married after 3 years since 40 of a extremely nasty divorce that left me totally destroyed I have to ask the question. I used to be a happy guy. Before marriage the first time I was always happy I felt adrenaline going up and down my spine all the time. Everything excited me in a good way. Very optimistic is a good way of putting it. The first wife sucked the life from me but I managed to fight back and rebound and begin living again. I met my current wife and we were smitten with each other and still are. The issue is I'm so sad over all the damage that my ex caused that she so skillfully made sure that I was the blame for. In other words she projected her insane thinking onto me and our children. So how to get happy again. My new wife despises all of them and justifyably so. I think after being married to a borderline person that manipulated the children that are now adults one should move away and live alone somewhere. The fact that I'm trying to live a new normal life with a new family will always come under ridicule from my children who do not have normal thinking. The issue is I love my new wife. I really do. So if there is some advice that can get me over this hump please respond. I'm really trying to move on mentally.

[jham123]

Maybe you needed to heal yourself a bit more before "jumping" back in.

[JudyKayTee]

All of your questions need to be combined in order to get a clear picture of what is going on and I have requested that that be done.

I think you jumped into remarriage too quickly - you obviously have issues from your first marriage that are not resolved.

I have no idea what the "Japanese cars/Pearl Harbor" reference means, by the way.

My late husband had been married before, bitter divorce, dragged on, bitter relationship with his "ex," problems with his relationship with his daughters.

IT WAS NOT MY PROBLEM - I NEITHER LIKED NOR HATED HIS FIRST WIFE. I was not the cause of his divorce, didn't meet him until years afterward. I never said a bad word about the woman, never, and to the stepdaughters I was their father's wife - if they liked me, fine (and they did) but if they had not, well, I didn't marry them. I was somewhat of a friend to them but it boiled down to - I was their father's wife.

Is that your situation or is there a reason for all of the resentment that's going on - to be quite frank.

I have no idea why everyone is running your life but you. You need to get a handle on things, determine your priorities and then act on them.

You need to decide what you want and then take charge.

[Curlyben]

>Multiple Threads Merged<

[artlady]

I would assume that if your wife is the intelligent woman you claim she is then if your kids did an about face she would support your decision to be in their life.That is not to say she would have a relationship with them.She has no reason to and it isn't necessary.

It sounds as if you have made great strides toward protecting yourself from your kids abuse.I would keep my distance from them until they understand exactly what it is you expect from the relationship.

Be clear about what your expectations are.
It is not enough to say "You must respect me".Be specific.Site examples of when they crossed the line and make it clear that you won't take it anymore.

Allowing kids to have whatever they want and giving in to their whims creates spoiled children.Sadly, many spoiled children take that sense of entitlement into adulthood and become selfish ,uncaring adults who's only agenda and concern is for their own wants and desires.

We do our children a grave injustice when we do not give them lessons in accountability.
As adults they have one flawed relationship after another because they have no sense of others feelings.They have become so desensitized over the years of spoiling they are morally bankrupt.

Twenty is not too late to learn that you don't get by in this life by walking over people to get what you want.
Stand firm in your convictions and be sure they understand why you are taking the action you are.

Don't worry about your wife having a relationship with them right now.Trust is earned and once it is lost it is hard to get it back.
She may come around eventually but if she does not that should not prevent you from having a relationship with your kids,in the future ,when they prove they are deserving of a relationship.. Just don't fall back into their trap and manipulations.

[JudyKayTee]

I would like to know when OP met wife #2 and if she played a part in divorce from wife #1.

[this8384]

One question I have: could we specific examples of what the exwife and/or daughter are doing/have done that are so "manipulative" or "controlling"?

You keep saying that your exwife is "borderline"... borderline what? Depressed? Bi-polar?

[jham123]

One question I have: could we specific examples of what the exwife and/or daughter are doing/have done that are so "manipulative" or "controlling"?

You keep saying that your exwife is "borderline"....borderline what? Depressed? Bi-polar?

Borderline personality disorder. BPD.

[JudyKayTee]

I needed a little more info than what the initials mean and found this site: Borderline Personality Disorder - AOL Health

[jham123]

Since the OP is a male...

A Shrink for Men

Sometimes we get a little miffed over always being used in examples as THE abuser