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A4Effort · Sep 25, 2009, 12:47 PM

I feel like I progressed a lot. But my brain and heart completely divided. Before my brain did not know what to do and I became a mess. Now I know what I need to do. I have been trying to do the right thing. No Contact all the way. But once my heart kicks in all reasoning disappears. My emotions take over and all I want at the time is to be with her. I know Im hurting every time I see her and I know I should do this to myself. But I care for her so much. I know she will move on as will I. But I do not want to accept this.

Justwantfair · Sep 25, 2009, 12:51 PM

We have all been in this spot. You are incredibly level-headed and strong, there will be a light for you.
Time to run to the gym? Are you at work?

A4Effort · Sep 25, 2009, 12:53 PM

Ha ha ha. Yes I am always at work. But I am going on a trip with another friend today into tomorrow to visit other friends. Hopefully that will keep my mind clear.

Thank you very much for helping me. I really appreciate all your advice.

Justwantfair · Sep 25, 2009, 12:57 PM

It's a hard time, one of the best things is the sounding board and that is what we are hear for.
Better talking to us about how you feel then telling the one person that you shouldn't be talking to.
We are always here. ;)

paxe · Sep 25, 2009, 01:02 PM

Sport, sport and sport is what saved me (and other stuff lol). I was training like crazy for everyday. You see the body and mind works in the same way, take care of your body, and your body will take care of your mind. After 2 weeks I was starting to feel much much better, it's amazing what a good level of endorphin can do to your mind.

A4Effort · Sep 27, 2009, 07:52 AM

UPDATE:

Well, this weekend I had no contact in anyway with her. I visited some of my friends at another college. I also I went to a party when I came back. I even met a girl and asked her to go on a date today. I kept myself so busy with activities so that I would not think of her. But all I could do is think of her. So far this has been the lowest of the low. I feel so depressed. My heart aches. Even though I have people to support me I still feel so lonely. Why is this not working. Its been 3 weeks now since the breakup and every day its been getting worse, not better.

What am I doing wrong?

kctiger · Sep 27, 2009, 07:55 AM

You aren't doing anything wrong. You need to give yourself more credit. Just be a bit more patient. You are an example to a lot of people of how to do this. Pat yourself on the back, continue doing what you're doing and be patient. I KNOW you will get through this, we all do. If you don't believe in this, we will do it for you.

A4Effort · Sep 27, 2009, 08:22 AM

Thanks kc. I know it will get better. I find it very interesting how I am unable to control my emotions with this event. I am a strong individual and always used to stand strong so that others would not see me being weak. At times I had to swallow my pain in order to be there for my parents when they were going through rough times. When someone close passed away I was there for my family to support them. Why is it that I cannot control this?

Also, yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine that brought up deeper fears. I realized that it is not just losing my love that is bothering me but also the fear of not becoming what I want to be.

I have such strong standards for myself. I am originally from Bosnia and went through the genocide. Others who went through the same thing have given up partially on becoming successful and live a mediocre life. They did not become what they wanted. My parents brought me here to this country to succeed and have a good life. They do not put any pressure on me to succeed. They support me very much in every possible way. But I would feel so horrible if I did not succeed in life. In my mind, I need to look a certain way, act a certain way, have a successful career, a great wife and wonderful children. I do not want to worry about money. Currently I am working 3 jobs, take 17 credits at college, and am involved in various school activities. I have to work because that is the only way I can pay for school and support myself. My parents try hard to support me but most of the time cannot offer much. Also I refuse to ask for help from them.

With this break up I feel I have failed. I thought I completed a part of my puzzle by finding a partner I could marry one day. Im afraid that I will not find someone else. I know that we learn from our mistakes and I have done this many times.

Most people my age do not look to far ahead in life. I on the other hand know what I want. I am strong and work very hard to achieve what I want. But when events such as these happen, I do not know if I can continue.

paxe · Sep 27, 2009, 08:47 AM

Hey man,
I understand your pain and frustration I really do. I am palestinian and my family lost everything and past through civil war. I'm also 22 years old and for my family it is important to achieve a lot.

Look at it this way. Instead of thinking that the break up as something bad, you should take it as something positive. You are now free, free to go anywhere, free to look for any job when you finish. You can learn to be more social, more sympathetic, make more friends... It is all in the learning process.

Break ups will happen in life, you will also lose friends, family members... it is all part of life. You need to learn to be complete and happy alone before you are with someone else. I cannot stress that enough. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are still in shock.

kctiger · Sep 27, 2009, 08:51 AM

You are a normal guy. We all have concerns like that. I think we can all agree that you are a very strong individual and extremely outgoing. I admire your ambition and determination. Keep that quality. It is going to be hard at times, but keep that force driving you and keep your head up.

Determination has nothing to do with getting things, it has everything to do with overcoming things. Emotions are going to be there. Let them out and stay true to yourself.

A4Effort · Sep 27, 2009, 05:20 PM

Well ladies and gents. I have officially sunk to the lowest of the lowest. I was studying for an upcoming exam. My ex girlfriend used to help me a great deal with studying and I did well when I studied with her. So I asked her and she agreed. I came over and everything was fine. She asked me how my weekend was and I explained to her what I did. I asked her and she told me how she went to three parties, had a party at her home and some people slept over. Non which she slept with or at least that's what she told me. The dumbass that I am, asked her if if we could have another chance. I told her how I would work on everything that she needed and I would give her more freedom to do the things she needed to do. She said that she could not do this and we argued a little. I packed my things, got up, and left without a word. I immediately went to my martial arts school and punched the bag until I could not lift my arms. My hands were covered with my own blood and I took all of my anger out on it.

Back to step one. I needed this though because now I know for SURE that this will not happen and I need to move on. IM DONE WITH HER AND HURTING MYSELF!! I can't do this to myself. Im so afraid that I won't do as well now because I have lost my friends and my partner. I feel so alone but I am so confident in myself now that I will succeed and move on.

"Determination has nothing to do with getting to things, it has everything to do overcoming things. Emotions are going to be there. Let them out and stay true to yourself." (kctiger)

paxe · Sep 27, 2009, 09:03 PM

Yep, you pretty much did everything that you shouldn't have done... Anyhow we all have done stupid mistakes so don't beat yourself about it. During my break up I told my ex that I was willing to wait for her 6 months to a year for her...

You had your closure, you just need to take care of yourself. And by the way for this alone thing, if you don't make the necessary step to contact people or meet new people, you will stay alone. People will actually like you if you invite them and seem very sociable and then they will in turn invite you to go out. And it's also like that, that you meet potential interesting girls.

A4Effort · Sep 28, 2009, 05:04 AM

Yes, you are right paxe. I definitely had my closure. Even though I'm back at step 1 I feel much better. Before I always thought there would be some hope. Now I don't care if there is any hope.

paxe · Sep 28, 2009, 07:35 AM

Well, I strongly think that there are some things we need to learn ourselves by doing mistakes in order to go forward. So I guess the next month or so is going to be tough, and then you are going to have the blast of your life after that ( I know I did ).

A4Effort · Sep 28, 2009, 10:17 AM

I am thinking a lot more positively now. I hope this feeling of confidence lasts longer than a day. I already have been hanging out other girls and I know that one day I will find another person who will be committed to me.

kctiger · Sep 28, 2009, 10:19 AM

Positive steps A, but it will take much more time. Don't make the mistake of putting your baggage onto another girl. While it is GREAT to hang around other females, it is also really easy after a break up to "rebound" into another one. Just enjoy the small things in life. Enjoy the moments, before they become memories. :)

A4Effort · Sep 28, 2009, 10:25 AM

I am staying away from rebounding because that is not the person who I am. I just enjoy meeting new people and creating new friendships. I am not ready at this time to commit to someone else since I need to heal first.

paxe · Sep 28, 2009, 10:27 AM

Nice! It's the way to go. You'll seriously enjoy single life for some good amount of time (I am having a blast).

A4Effort · Sep 28, 2009, 10:55 AM

I sure hope so. It is weird because I entered college being in a relationship. So I never learned what it is to be single in college. I always hung out with my partner and our friends. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I am a little afraid of this but also excited to meet new people and create new relationships. I am just not into the whole getting drunk and play beer pong all night.

senoritakumi · Sep 28, 2009, 11:01 AM

Think positive in life