[jlo64]

I am in need of serious help to decide if I should stay married after 18 years of marriage plus 23 years of knowing my husband.

I would say for about 5 years or possibly longer (I've lost track) I have lost the feeling of love for my husband. I do not want to do things with him anymore because he doesn't have any desire to have fun. My definition of fun is going out to do various things. Maybe a restaurant, a bar, movie, shopping in a Mall (it doesn't necessarily mean we have to spend tons of money either), etc. His idea of enjoyment is to stay home with our children, have a family meal, conversation, and watch t.v. Eventually he'll fall asleep in front of the t.v. He will always want to end the evening with intimate relations. It is always what he wants to do. My ideas do not appeal to him and if we do something I suggest, it is because I did a lot of persuading for the entire day prior to it happening or sometimes more than one day. It could be somethng as simple as going to the Diner with him and our children (we have 3). His reasoning is whatever I want to do costs money.

On the topic of money... this is the root of our problems. From the day we met, he has always controlled finances. The Checking Acct us under his name, his control, his employer's credit union. I have no knowledge of the account unless I walked into our Credit Union and demanded to see the account informaton (which I have never done). I have begged him for years to show me everything and he insists I do not need to see it because he tells me what is happening and that should be enough. I have requested for yrs & yrs to allow me to pay our bills or even if we did it together. I have been shut-down 100% of the time. He claims that he doesn't trust me with money. I explain to him that this is because I need to get my own credit cards in order to purchase items for our children, home, and other needs of a family. It is nothing excessive either. Basics needs. My problem has always been that I cannot keep up with my bills because I work part-time and get no assistance from my husband to help keep up my payments. He says this is my responsibility if I chose to have credit cards. I do make enough money to pay cash for everything and once again, he hardly ever will purchase items that the children need. Clothing to keep up with the seasons, shoes (we have teenagers), school items, etc. I have always defended him to others. Explain after I vent my frustrations to others that we really do not make that much money and he feels he needs to protect everything he makes so I do not spend it inappropriately. If he were more open with our finances, I would believe this hook, line & sinker but I'm now worn down from so many years of him not sharing anything. I have to take his word for it , and I'm quoting him, " we have no money". My husband probably makes about $100K, I make about $15K and we receive occasional bonuses here & there. We are certainly not rich by any means but I do not feel we are on the verge of welfare either. We do own a home (carry a mortage), have one car payment, plus a few loans & household bills. Our credit rating is terrible.

I now prefer going out with friends. I like to have fun in bars, have drinks and ultimately talk with men. Makes me feel good to do this and not so motherly. I see that I falling into a routine of planning my next outting with friends instead of planning something fun we can do as a couple or with other friends together. I have no desire anymore and he never suggests it. If we do anything with our friends, it is me always coordinating. Never him. By the way, it's always OK for him to go out with friends which he rarely does and I always wish him a good time with a smile on my face. When I go out, it is always with an angered tone from him.

I have friends that are already divorced or want to get divorced. I do not let this influence me because I know I have been in a bad way probably longer than most of them. But, I feel everyone will say I'm following what they're doing because it probably would appear that way. I don't like dealing with what other people think about me. Makes everything all the more uncomfortable than it already has to be.

Lastly, I truly do not want to be divorced but I don't have it in me to work with our relationship anymore. I have told him our marriage is in trouble for several months now. His response is that he does not see anything is wrong and thinks I am over reacting. I honestly question myself that maybe I'm behaving immaturely, acting out of my hormones that like all woman, flare up certain times of the month, but after I beat myself up in my thoughts, my gut is telling me, I'm not insane and there is truly a communication problem and it's not all me!

I also have a Mother that is ill with Cancer. It is not a good diagnosis for her and I am not sure how much longer she will live. It could be another yr or two or maybe shorter. This also has added a trememndous amt of stress in my life. And, I lost my Father 4 years ago which resulted in me moving my Mother to the town we live in so I could deal with her Cancer better and keep her close to my family (memories are important for my children to remember spending time with her).

HELP...

[Jake2008]

I'm unsure why now, after living this way for 18 years of marriage, there are problems that make you want to end your marriage. Why did all this come about now, instead of 10 years ago, or five years ago.

I think there is more going on here than he won't let you see the account balances.

It seems you have the freedom to go out, spend time in bars with your friends chatting up men and having a good time. He, on the other hand is happy to stay home, enjoy his family, and have quiet nights. Is all hope lost for negotiating and giving in a bit on both sides to do something the other wants to do?

Have you considered marriage counselling to see if you can't find better, and more effective ways of communicating. Even your sex life with him is good.

Just what is it that is so wrong here that can't be worked on.