[seeker2]

I am not sure how to help myself. I am very upset most of my life. I can't afford therapy and I am afraid to if I could. The man that I love is so against mental illness. Ever since I can remember I have worried about things. I am talking about a young age. First it was my father? Was he going to get drunk and beat my Mom? Or would we have to go out and hunt him down because he never came home? Then it became on how I look, I heard my father say how unattractive I was and how fat I was. Most of all I worried about being important to someone. My mother would spend all her time and energy on others expecting me to wait, since it appeared I needed the help the least. I had a failed marriage that I tried so hard to make it to be successful, even though he was abusive to me for 15 years. I did leave when he started on our oldest son. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. Almost a year after my divorce I met this wonderful man, my current boyfriend. Things had been perfect with us. I moved in with him and we had some typical blending issues. I am not going to say it's easy, but I understand every relationship has ups and downs. We have talked about marriage. Less than 2 months ago he even brought up us being married next summer. I couldn't believe, I thought finally, other than my children, I have been lucky in life. I am capable of having someone love me for who I am. Last week, he through me off so much. He told me he loves me, that I am the world to him, he wants to be with me forever, that he does see us getting married someday. However he feels he is going through a Mid Life Crisis and is not sure where his life is going and he can't say if he ever wants to get married. He says he fears that he incapable of keeping a relationship. He told me that if he is he knows it would be with me because I make it so easy. I have been so sick to my stomach, not able to eat, not able to sleep. I worry so much that he doesn't want me or will be with me. I keep replaying these thoughts although I keep trying to remember all the positive things he said about our love and relationship. I need your help. I feel alone and not worthy all over again. I understand he needs to work these things out. I want him to be happy as well. I can't stop crying. Does anyone out there know of any way I might be able to help myself. I see my third child worry a lot and make himself sick as well. I don't want him to be as unhappy in life as I have. I don't know how to help him when I can't help myself.

[doggie_poopie]

First, there are too many programs that offer a sliding scale on fees for those that can not afford it. You really need to seek one out.
I am sorry that you have had such a rough life, but you have been able to make it and continue to succeed!
It sounds as though you are co-dependant. Go to your library and check out some books on this issue. Also, a really good book is called "Adult Daughters of Alcoholics,"
I too had a horrible upbringing, biological father not around, alcoholic step father who sexually and physically abused me, and scores of failed relationships. Including 8 engagments. I have been in therapy for over a decade. I NEVER would have been half way normal had I not continued to seek out help no matter where I lived or for this long.
Find a way to afford! For you, your kids, your future!!