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destiny09 · Sep 17, 2009, 05:43 AM

I met my partner 3 years ago, thought he was Mr Perfect, I then found out 4 months into the relationship that he had another woman on the go... I found out and it all came out and kicked off, all 3 of our lives turned into what felt like a living hell, so much argueing and it affected all our working lives, jobs were lost etc. He couldn't decide what he wanted and spent another year on and off going between us... I suspected but didn't know for sure at the time and couldn't catch him to prove anything! We eventually split after about 2 years of this and he went with the other woman, approx 6 months later he begged me to get back together with him, proposed and declared I was the one... I believed him and accepted his proposal, I then found out a few months later that he had got the other woman pregnant and now had a child with her, at that point we were then married and trying to make it work... I have never trusted him, he has always given me reason to doubt what he says... things then became worse, he had no contact with the ex or child, I think, I will never be sure its just what he says! I suspected even now he does, more so with the ex than the child! It then came out that he had a gambling problem, he never had it before, it came to light when he stole money from me, sold all my stuff, I tried to help him and get him some help and I thought it worked... he siad it had! I told him if he gambled again then it would be the last straw and relationship over, I then came home and he had doen it all again, everything was gone and I caught him gambling... he wasn't even sorry. I have kicked him out... its all over... im hurting and don't want to be, I'm having doubts as I do love him, I know I can do better and don't deserve this so why does it hurt? Also while all this was going on I suspected he was seeing his ex... could never prove it again but it's that gut instinct you get. HELP.

amicon · Sep 17, 2009, 05:53 AM

Its normal to feel this pain when a relationship is over even if it was a nightmare.Reading your post I'm amazed you put up with him for so long as he has treated you with no respect whatsoever.He cheats he fathers a child with another woman and then gives no support to his child-he steals your money he lies -the list goes on forever.You did the right thing-stay strong,divorce the lowlife and claim your life back.Yes it hurts and it will hurt for some time to come but stay strong and you will get over this.

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 05:58 AM

Sounds like a lot of problems. I think that you should be glad that you found out many of his issues. Now the question is, can you deal with these issues?

1) You can try to work it out. But it's going to take A LOT of work. Furthermore, he's broken your trust so many times that how will you know that you can trust him again? This isn't just a case of once a cheater, always a cheater. It's already proven to be a repeat cheater. There are WAY TOO MANY obstacles to overcome. It could take a really long time to fix. You'll need A LOT of patience and hard work from both ends. Furthermore, who knows if he's actually willing to put the effort. The number of insecurity issues cannot even be counted in your case.

2) You can finally realize that he's not the man you thought you married. He's cause you so much grief and misery that it's time for you to move on with your life. You deserve to have a happy life. Not a life full of mistrust and deceit. It's time to move on to bigger and better things in life. No more beating a dead horse.

I vote for number 2).

destiny09 · Sep 17, 2009, 10:00 AM

I am finding it hard to move on even though its early days. I don't think for a minute that I'm easy to live with but I'm sure I don't deserve to be treated like that... alot of what I have put is only the beginning!!

amicon · Sep 17, 2009, 10:14 AM

Moving on is hard and it takes time and it seems you ve been through hell with this man.Trust that you ve made the right decision-talk to your family and friends-seek counselling perhaps-be good to you.It DOES get better believe that.

destiny09 · Sep 17, 2009, 10:26 AM

I am the most indecisive person on the earth so I never think I have done the right thing, I second guess myself all the time... I have been blamed for the whole relationship for years now so I don't know what to think...

amicon · Sep 17, 2009, 10:53 AM

I can only assume that your husband is a manipulator who has managed to make you feel you are to blame.Did you leave him and have a child by another man?No-he had a child by another woman.Who s addicted to gambling?He is.He stolen your money and he s lied and cheated.Respect yourself for having dumped him.

destiny09 · Sep 17, 2009, 11:05 AM

Its something I have tried to do so many times and each time he has talked his way back and I have let him because it hurt and I wanted to believe it could be better and it would change... it never did, it did for a day or so if I was lucky then back to 'normal' god I hope that's not normal... I know it wasn't normal which is why I finally have got out... a friend has said why don't you help him get help for the gambling... I did!! He went away for a week to get help... I don't know where... wouldnt give me the address!! Yes alarm bells rang but he sounded convincing to me, I warned him if he ever did it again that would be it... I meant it and its over... just got to be strong... somehow

amicon · Sep 17, 2009, 11:17 AM

You ll find the strength.Go NC on him-dont take his calls don't see him-no communication whatsoever.

Imabadman · Sep 17, 2009, 11:27 AM

I think as time passes and the hurt of the physical loss, just having someone there, subsides your thoughts will focus on his treatment of you. You'll begin to see the light and it'll go much easier than expected because lets be honest he didn't treat you well, he was a cheat'n SOB.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2009, 02:54 PM

Even though it will take a lot of time and work, you will be much better without this loser.

ohsohappy · Sep 19, 2009, 03:06 PM

I really wish that youhadn't married him, if you knew all that he had pulled on you, and this other woman. By marrying him, you were giving into his desires, and totally disregarding the real problems. Don't fall for this again, PLEASE. Leave him, and never talk to him again. Let him be another woman's problem. Move on and let yourself Heal. He's not good to you.

destiny09 · Oct 5, 2009, 04:59 AM

Ok so its been several weeks now and I have managed the no contact 90% of the time, some days are good and some are real bad. With everything he has done why am I missing him so much? Pining for him? Wanting him to fight for me, to make it better, make it right. I don't want him to contact me but at same time I'm hurt he has not even once said sorry or tried to make it right. I new from day one of ending this it would be hard, I just thought it would be easier than being unhappy with him, I don't know if being without him is worse!! HELP BEFORE I DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE BEG HIM TO COME BACK!!

redhed35 · Oct 5, 2009, 05:07 AM

You want these things because you are remembering the tender moments you spent together,and the way that felt.

Your heart is broken and telling you to do something to make it better,don't listen to a broken heart,it will lead you into more hardship.

Listen to your head. Stop picking at the scabs of your hurt and exposing more hurt.. no contact means no contact 100% of the time,it's the only way out,and the only way to freedom from this pain.

Get busy today,make plans for the week and weekend,go for a walk,clean the house,do anything except ring,if you do,your just jamming a nail into your heart.

Know you can heal,know there is a better life without him.

amicon · Oct 5, 2009, 05:19 AM

Whenever you feel like picking that phone up or sending that message come here and vent.
And remember you split up with him for a number of reasons.

destiny09 · Oct 5, 2009, 05:28 AM

So far the only times I have contactd him about monetary things and only when there is no other way, I don't reply to his texts and have kept any conversations short as poss. I am hurting mor ethani thought, I kove him more than anyone else and more than I ever thought possible, which is why I put up with it all in the first place. I can't believe its ended and I'm not stupid to only remember the good times, its remembering the bad times that stops me calling him. I just him, I thought we would grow old together and that he could change and I would be enough, I never was. I can't even talk to him about this as I don't want to here more lies, he will never admit to anything and will talk his way round anything I say, I won't believe him and nothing has been achieved other than me hurting more... I am finding it so hard

destiny09 · Oct 5, 2009, 05:31 AM

You can thelp but doubt that you will find someone better, maybe he was it. I have never felt pain like this, it's a feeling of loss and loneliness and almost like bereavement

amicon · Oct 5, 2009, 05:39 AM

We need to mourn the death of the relationship and that hurts sometimes more than words can explain.
When a loved one dies we go through various stages of denial,grief.anger and finally acceptance.
When a relationship is over all these emotions need to come out and we re better off for allowing ourselves to feel them.
It does get better slowly at first but still better.

jmjoseph · Oct 5, 2009, 05:40 AM

Try this. Make a list of all of his bad habits, behavior, lies, problems, etc. and make several copies to paste up on the refrigerator, door, mirror, basically all over the house. This will serve as a reminder of WHY he is no longer in your life.

Only keep this list up long enough as to get this feeling of loss out of your system. It shouldn't take too long.

He was a liar and a cheat. The gambling problem is much easier fixed than the dishonesty and tomcatting around.

There are 12 step programs for his gambling, but I don't think they have Cheating Ba$tards Anonymous, not yet anyway.

Take time to work on making yourself happy. I wish you the best.

destiny09 · Oct 6, 2009, 05:11 AM

Ok, I'm hoping it wasn't a mistake, I made contact via msn. I got a lot off my chest, said how much of a liar he is and that I don't believe a word he says etc etc. At first I was upset for sending it, now I feel better, got a lot off my chest because at no point have I had the chance to say how I feel about it all to him. I didn't get much of a response other than now he knows what I really think of him!!

Now its done I feel better and have no need for any contact.

I can only hope it doesn't lead to more contact on his part, even if it does I will continue to ignore.

I think he was surprised that I know he is a liar!! Very odd