[Skell]

Yes girls do seem to need to have some wild girl period. Maybe not all but most seem to need some period where they experiment.

My ex was never the type of girls that I thought would want to, and indeed either did she. But it has turned out that she does. Although not her direct reason for breaking up with me, I certainly think she in her mind feels she needs to be young for a while. Something she missed out on for various reasons.

And they don't go, have fun and then come back. Doesn't work like that.

And yes you would be a mug to think it worked like that and indeed wait. So don't wait and don't even wish her back. Move on and enjoy your own life. After all that seems to be what she is doing.

[Wildcat21]

Qute frankly if they don't have a wild girl stage early - great chance it will ocme later or they will be very unhappy.

I've said before I know a gal who is 45 never went through a wild girl stage until 41 - she had been in a LTR and married 15 years - she divorced and then went nuts.

[GiveMeCoffee]

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants & she's dragging you on her emotional roller coaster. If you truly love her, give her a few years to do her thing.

Meanwhile, don't stop living your life. Get out there, get involved, work hard, meet new girls, see what happens..

Im sure no matter what, she now has residency deep in your heart and your not going to forget that in a hurry, bieng engaged was a big thing. Im not saying pine for her. Im just suggesting you let it go for now, get on with life but don't dismiss her altogether.. It's a timing thing.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant.. If they want you back, surely they would call you...

But its really hard, I have not done it since week 2 and I'm on week 8 but I still get this massive urge to contact her!

Just have to keep telling myself, MOVE ON! Because I know that is the logical thing and that is what I say to others but when it's you it seems different, harder to justify...

I mean, you think at the back of your head, what if there was something I could say that would bring her back.. Truth is, there is not!!

I also believe that when I was with her, I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup, something I can see a bit clearer now... What makes it worse is that she blamed me for losing her friends when in actual fact, it never bothered me her going out with her friends, She just lost them, they moved on... NOw she has a friend back, she realises she can get back what she had before she met me, a single life!

I don't hate her for wanting to sow her wild oats, how can I? She is young, after all, I did that when I was her age! The only thing I hate is the breakup but it happened for a reason and it stared me in the face for months... LOVE IS BLIND..

[Wildcat21]

"I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant" - every time!! I like the way you put that. Hence - the no contact - they don't want you in their lives for what ever reason - you give that to them.

You just push them away and reinforce their decision. Believe me.

Don't contact her!!

"I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup" - LEARN FROM THIS...

They are part of your life - not your life. You have to still do the sames things you always did - always stay with your friends! Be busy.

SLOWLY, and I mean SLOWLY over time you can spen more time with them.

Only time helps - they may have being feeling pressure over something - and you leaving may have helped. One day it might get better.

I know for a fact it's EASY to know what to do - but very hard to act properly.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi Wildcat,

What do you think about xmas time, should I send her family a card just out of friendliness or is this a real no no?. After all, I was quite close to her family too.

I think I know the answer is no, but just thought I would ask..

[Geoffersonairplane]

I just wanted to add something, something I have missed out but wanted to know if you think it has any relevance.

In July this year, I lost my job and became unemployed for medical reasons after developing RSI in my wrists, I could not keep up with the workload, I was not fired but sent to occupational health to assess if I should continue but the conclusion was that I should not, so I resigned.

Since then, I have been unemployed for 4 months looking for alternatives to the type of work I did but now considering retraining..

Do you think from this info, this factor may have encouraged her to break-up, the fact that the money ran out... When I first met her, I supported her for 18 months while she was unemployed, paid for mostly everything, nights out, holiday..

I am starting to see a very selfish side to her and you don't walk out on someone when they are at their worst. I mean, if you can't stick with someone through the hard times, then you don't truthfully love them..

I think I have been used beyond belief here.

[Wildcat21]

Christmas - How do you think SHE would feel about that - creeped out? Probably - I send nothing.

Post 2 - TRUTHFULLY - and you're not going gto like it - YES, losing a job can push her away - a bet $1 mill you put too much importance in her then. And maybe you were a little depressed?

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yes Wildcat,

You really do know your stuff on this subject, I think you are right here.. Maybe I did place too much importance on her..

What I am going to do is work on myself, get back into work again, I did have a part to play in this breakup, I know she was young and we have discussed that but there were issues that should have been addressed here. Still, it does anger me that I supported her for 18 months while she had no money and while she was feeling down, I helped her, supported her but that does not mean anything... There are so many factors here

I will not bother contacting her, AT ALL... I will stick to your advice and come on here if I think I am getting to the point where I think about it.. In the meantime, I will just work on myself, I think I lost parts of myself in this relationship and need to reawaken those parts I lost.

Thanks for the advice Wildcat!!

P.S. That website you recommended is brilliant

[Skell]

It sounds like she sort of used you man, and your entitled to be hurt and angry at that. Plus you deserve better! Why would you want someone like that anyway?

But don't let it control you. Keep moving forward.

Use the stuff you read on the website. It is all great stuff.

www.askmen.com

Another great site. Good articles there on a wide range of things for men!

NO CONTACT!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Also, when we split up, she told me that if she stays with me any longer, she is scared that she will cheat on me..

That kind of says to me that she had in mind that she wanted out of the relationship so she could experiment and not feel guilty about it.. I know that she said this guy in her work had asked her out for a drink, anyway, she told me that there was nobody else when I split up with her although there was a guy in work she fancied but said that was not going anywhere.. 2 weeks later, I bumped into her brother who said she found out what he was like, apparently he had other women and was playing with them all, although not sure how far my ex went with him. He also said she needs to meet a real B*****d who trats her badly to realise what she has done..

It hurts to think it but I really do believe that she left the relationship so she could sow her wild oats and experiment.

I just wish it would have happened much sooner before I got such strong feelings...

[Wildcat21]

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away. But she WAY too young to be in a serious relationship.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think it's kind of simple (I Think).. She wanted out because she felt tied down.She lost her single life and felt the relationship was to blame for that.She has since had lots of fun going out with friends (so I heard) and realised what she had been missing even thnough I never stopped her from doing that.

But I still can't get this thing she said to me out of my head, when we split up with me she said "I just think we should leave it for a while"

In my head, I am thinking, she wants me there in the background in case she changes her mind (Bad Thing)

But also this may just be me reading into something that is not there, she may just have been trying to make it easier on herself.Avoiding guilt.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away.

The problem is, I can't get the answers from her, I need to search myself by analyzing the relationship and where it all went wrong, be it my fault or hers or both.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I have more info, can't believe I forgot to say this.. I got on well with her family and they liked me.

My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning. Also my sister and her fiancé had a feeling that she was manipulative and that it would not last. I tried to get my family to understand that I loved her but they knew deep down that she would let me down.

She never liked it that my father would rarely want to make conversation with her.. I tried to help them communicate but it was clear they did not like each other..

Maybe that was PART of why she was pushed away...

[Geoffersonairplane]

[QUOTE=Geoffersonairplane]My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning.way... [/ QUOTE]

Just wanted to say that in me saying that this is what they thought, I never thought I was better than her or that I could do better because I loved her.

[BIM]

She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.

25 is too young too (I think)!! I don't think anyone should get married before 30! People have so much to experience before they get married. And I don't mean by traveling and such, I mean education, jobs, what they want to do with their lives, so on and so forth.

[wap]

Hiya, it was my ex's mum's birthday just the other week, and it's his sister's birthday tomorrow. I asked people if I should send cards, they said NO, so I didn't. When I think about it they didn't wish me happy birthday or send me a card or anything and I got on well with his mum especially. Maybe they felt it wouldn't be right to send anything. You are like me, you would do it out of kindness and like to do things like that, but I would just leave it : )

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think the worst thing is wondering who she is with, if she has found someone new. It really does not matter though does it, if she is not seeing someone else now, she soon will be.

I think when I will be over this is when I stop hoping that she will come back and accept it.

Although I am aware of what I and others in my situation should behave, I still have this aching feeling that I want her back but know that obsessing on this thought will just drive me insane.

Deep down, my heart tells me she may be back but my brain tells me she won't be back.

Not sure if that is the right way around, regardless, why deny the truth..

[chuff]

Hey Geoff can I ask you a question? I can tell you really loved this woman and you've made reference to the fact that you were her first real boyfriend. Was she by chance your first girlfriend? I've just read the posts and I can tell your going through a tough time.

I don't want to repeat what everybody else has said but let me add on to there good advice if you don't mind. If you don't have a gym membership please invest in one. Start working out and really push yourself. I've been lifting for years and you get a great high from it that I can't describe. You don't have to be big or strong just go in and get a decent workout program and you'll start to feel better about yourself. It's also a good place to interact with new people.

The best part is you can see the results in your body. The results are measurable and visible. If lifting isn't your thing than take up cardio. Admittedly, I hate cardio but sometimes I will get on a stairmaster and just push myself until I can't go anymore. Then after about 15 minutes I'll get back on and push myself again until failure.

Ironically, I first did this years ago after a girl that I had been going out with for two years suddenly dumped me without warning and I was not sleeping and extremely depressed. One day I just went into the gym and said, "F it" I'm going to sleep tonight and I will make my body so tired that it won't have a choice. And that's what I did. I rode that stairmaster for a total of 90 minutes that first time. Not only did I start sleeping better, I got into better shape but I was able to focus on myself, because believe me when you pushing your body like that you don't think about anybody else.

Anyway that's my two cents and I hope it is something you can apply to your situation. Good luck.