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Ace09 · Sep 10, 2009, 02:58 PM

I've been seeing this girl for 4 months, she said she wanted a serious relationship, and we started dating a month and a half ago. The way she's acted towards me, affectionate, I'm a full time student, she always insisted on paying for the dinner, movies, and said if I ever need help financially she is there for me. Recently she's been coming over and staying the night 3-5 times a week.

It comes up that she's talking to another guy, I used her cell phone and noticed three missed calls someone named petrit. When I asked her who he is, she said it's a girl from work. I sensed from her relation that she's full of BS.

I insisted that she call the person back, let me hear that it's a woman to make me more comfortable. What she does is change the name to a different number, and the number who called to a different name. I called her out on it and she denies it insisting its all in my imagination. So obviously I think she's sleeping with him.

We had a huge argument about it. I told her the relationship isn't going to work and I can't be around her at the time. The issue is I felt like she's sincere that she cares about me. I'd like to maintain some kind of good relationship with her, aside from dating.

Alty · Sep 10, 2009, 03:06 PM

Ask her if she'd like to remain friends.

That's really all you can do.

talaniman · Sep 10, 2009, 05:12 PM

If you want a good healthy adult relationship, your going to have to be a lot more trusting, and a lot less jealous, suspicious, or insecure.

I would have dumped YOU already. If she can forgive you, act better.

You need to learn how to communicate in a much more mature way.

We had a huge argument about it.

Because you couldn't accept what she told you, and needed more prooof which you still didn't believe.

I told her the relationship isn't going to work and I can't be around her at the time.

WOW, that's dumping someone the hard way. You could have said "give me a minute to cool off".

The issue is I felt like she's sincere that she cares about me. I'd like to maintain some kind of good relationship with her, aside from dating.

The way your going about it won't work my friend, and your handling it will result in the same thing happening again. You owe her an apology maybe, and see how she reacts.

dincher · Sep 10, 2009, 08:23 PM

Why don't you just take her word for it? I'd be upset if someone accused me of such things.

amicon · Sep 11, 2009, 02:33 AM

Am I reading it correctdely that you let her pay for most things? Or did you go Dutch?

Ace09 · Sep 11, 2009, 06:30 PM

talaniman your right that I should have been more trusting since the beginning. However she did something to make me suspicious, I went to see who she's been texting, and she's was having sexually explicit chats with some guy. I wasn't sure if it was flirting, what happened with it, if it died out or what. So I left it alone for a while.

After seeing that, I checked again last week and she was saying to someone she thinks she has an std (It was a UTI), the person said she was paranoid and recommended they get tested together. Then the next day I used her phone and there was 3 missed calls from the same person, I clicked the contact and found it's the same number she was having the sexually explicit chats with.

So I confronted her about it, asked her who the person was etc, and she said it was a girl from work. I asked her if it is to call the number back. She attached the name in her phone book to another number (a female), told me to call and denied the whole thing. Adding all this up I was furious about the whole thing.

I wish · Sep 11, 2009, 06:38 PM

I agree that you should have handle this more maturely whether she's cheating or not. So that's something you have to work on for the future. You're going to have to work on your communication skills, like the other's have said.

However, it sounds like you got the proof that you wanted anyway. Furthermore, you don't even trust her anymore anyway, otherwise, you wouldn't have asked her to give you so much proof. No trust, no relationship.

Ace09 · Sep 11, 2009, 06:43 PM

Aside from that, I think she's a great girl with a good heart. I felt like she's sincere when she said she cares for me. I'm thinking I gave my love to the wrong person, and on the other hand if she did care about me why would she have friends with benefits on the side?

Does it mean there's something about me that she wants in another guy? Maybe because she just lost 90 pounds and it guys are interested in her for the first time.

The issue with me is when someone shows me so much kindness and affection, its hard to cut them off completely. I'm trying to keep my distance from her now. We talked online the past few nights and decided there's no hostility and to put it all behind us. As in we're on good terms.

What do you think I should do, a part of me still cares about her a lot and values the relationship we had.

itried · Sep 11, 2009, 07:05 PM

Okay. Everyone seems to think that you should be more trusting. I get that. What I don't get is why they think you should be more trusting.

You not trusting her is irrelevant after the fact. You didn't trust her so you called her on it (why should you trust someone you know for a short period?). She didn't respond in a way that would alleviate your concerns, so why should you trust her? It's people who put all their trust into an imperfect human being that wind up being the most devastated and distraught after things go sour.

In my opinion, what you did wasn't right or wrong. The point is that she can't respond in a way that makes you feel better. So really, you should be worried and skeptical. The fact that she has recently lost a MASSIVE amount of weight should be something for you to consider as well. Her confidence is sky high (as it should be) and she will probably be reveling in all her new-found attention from males. When she was fat I would be willing to bet 90 pounds of 100 dollar bills that she got absolutely no attention. None. Zero. Now she probably has it so she will probably want to explore all the avenues open to her. She may be a nice person because being fat made her that way. But now that she's skinnier and prettier it will eventually go to her head (it would probably go to most of our heads).

I know I'm going to get in trouble for this one, but after knowing someone for such a short period I think caution would be the best advice.

Ace09 · Sep 11, 2009, 07:15 PM

As I said her being 120 pounds overweight I tend to think she hasn't always been that way. I don't think she has a history of sleeping with tons of guys because of that fact.

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 07:17 PM

You valued her doing things for you and still want someone in your corner. Let's be honest here. Because weigh it out. If she was really that nasty as to mistake you for a dumby and change the name and number etc as you have suggested then why would you want someone like that to be your friend, how could you ever trust her again, friends need to trust each other too.
I agree with Talaniman, you're a little paranoid here. You will want to fix your bad habits for future relationships to survive.

itried · Sep 11, 2009, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by Ace09

As I said her being 120 pounds overweight I tend to think she hasn't always been that way. I don't think she has a history of sleeping with tons of guys because of that fact.

I don't understand what it is you mean. Are you saying that you don't think she's been with a bunch of guys while she was fat or after she got skinny?

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 07:22 PM

Originally Posted by itried

Okay. Everyone seems to think that you should be more trusting. I get that. What I don't get is why they think you should be more trusting.

You not trusting her is irrelevant after the fact. You didn't trust her so you called her on it (why should you trust someone you know for a short period of time?). She didn't respond in a way that would alleviate your concerns, so why should you trust her? It's people who put all their trust into an imperfect human being that wind up being the most devastated and distraught after things go sour.

In my opinion, what you did wasn't right or wrong. The point is that she can't respond in a way that makes you feel better. So really, you should be worried and skeptical. The fact that she has recently lost a MASSIVE amount of weight should be something for you to consider as well. Her confidence is sky high (as it should be) and she will probably be reveling in all her new-found attention from males. When she was fat I would be willing to bet 90 pounds of 100 dollar bills that she got absolutely no attention. None. Zero. Now she probably has it so she will probably want to explore all the avenues open to her. She may be a nice person because being fat made her that way. But now that she's skinnier and prettier it will eventually go to her head (it would probably go to most of our heads).

I know I'm going to get in trouble for this one, but after knowing someone for such a short period I think caution would be the best advice.

What you have stated is just rude. To assume that she got no attention because she was overweight is crazy and telling of how you view people. I know plenty of larger sized sexy... attractive men and women that get plenty of attention. However, the point that people are trying to make is that his behavior of making her prove herself to him when he doesn't believe her is not appropriate. To go to the degree that he did is not acceptable. If you really feel that strongly about someone's dishonesty there are ways to leave a relationship without interegating them. His behavior is what draws the red flags.

itried · Sep 11, 2009, 07:34 PM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

What you have stated is just rude. To assume that she got no attention because she was overweight is crazy and telling of how you view people. I know plenty of larger sized sexy... attractive men and women that get plenty of attention. However, the point that people are trying to make is that his behavior of making her prove herself to him when he doesn't believe her is not appropriate. To go to the degree that he did is not acceptable. If you really feel that strongly about someones dishonesty there are ways to leave a relationship without interegating them. His behavior is what draws the red flags.

Oh yeah, sure. I'm so rude.

You seem to be defending this woman, but for what reason? He already stated that he found sex chats that she was having with another male. Maybe in your world this wouldn't be a reason to be suspicious of your bf/gf but in my world (let's call it reality) it is. Also, if I overheard my girlfriend talking on the phone about needing to get herself checked for STD's, and that person she was talking to wasn't me, I would kind of think she was having sex with someone other than myself (this would also apply to this crazy place called reality).

I'm wondering why you think that someone shouldn't have to prove that they are devoted and faithful to another person when in a relationship. When I was with my girl, I didn't grab other women's boobs and flirt with them and then call my woman crazy for not trusting me. If I, you, or anyone else for that matter were to display this behaviour, no matter how it was found out it would be wrong.

You need to think about it before make a reply to me. You're twisting my words to make me sound like I hate fat people. I don't hate them, I'm just not attracted to them physically. I'm just saying what everyone thinks. Why should I be PC?

In conclusion, the OP has every reason in the world to be cautious of this woman. Whether she's fat or not.

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by itried

Oh yeah, sure. I'm so rude.

You seem to be defending this woman, but for what reason? He already stated that he found sex chats that she was having with another male. Maybe in your world this wouldn't be a reason to be suspicious of your bf/gf but in my world (let's call it reality) it is. Also, if I overheard my girlfriend talking on the phone about needing to get herself checked for STD's, and that person she was talking to wasn't me, I would kind of think she was having sex with someone other than myself (this would also apply to this crazy place called reality).

I'm wondering why you think that someone shouldn't have to prove that they are devoted and faithful to another person when in a relationship. When I was with my girl, I didn't grab other women's boobs and flirt with them and then call my woman crazy for not trusting me. If I, you, or anyone else for that matter were to display this behaviour, no matter how it was found out it would be wrong.

You need to think about it before make a reply to me. You're twisting my words to make me sound like I hate fat people. I don't hate them, I'm just not attracted to them physically. I'm just saying what everyone thinks. Why should I be PC?

In conclusion, the OP has every reason in the world to be cautious of this woman. Whether she's fat or not.

A. She could have gotten the STD from his dumb . Generally when someone is so untrusting they are the one doing the tramping around. That's relationship 101.

B. She didn't grab anyone's anything so what are you talking about?

B. He shouldn't be snooping through her phone, if you don't trust her leave her alone.

c. Sex text or flirty texts can be taken out of context and does not mean that she is cheating. It may not be appropriate but it doesn't mean that she is cheating.

D. This really isn't about you and how you feel about people. That's your opinion, no twisting necessary.
The last point that I am making and why I stated what I did is that if he is cautious of her than why keep her as a friend.
itried... I know you think this song is about you don't you don't you... your so vain.

itried · Sep 11, 2009, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

A. She could have gotten the STD from his dumb . Generally when someone is so untrusting they are the one doing the tramping around. that's relationship 101.

B. She didn't grab anyone's anything so what are you talking about?

B. He shouldn't be snooping through her phone, if you don't trust her leave her alone.

c. Sex text or flirty texts can be taken out of context and does not mean that she is cheating. It may not be appropriate but it doesn't mean that she is cheating.

D. This really isn't about you and how you feel about people. That's your opinion, no twisting necessary.
The last point that I am making and why I stated what I did is that if he is cautious of her than why keep her as a friend.
itried... i know you think this song is about you don't you don't you... your so vain.

A. I disagree. Why would you call the OP a dumba--. You say that I'm vain and I think it's all about me; yet you call the OP a RUDE name and it's apparent you think this is about you because you immediately took the opportunity to attack not only me but the OP for not agreeing with you. This shows your lack of character and class. In addition, if she did in fact get the STD from him, wouldn't she be telling him? Not telling the other person on the phone to get checked? Your logic is fatally flawed. Have you even read the post?

B. I used an analogy to illustrate a point. This was lost on you so I guess I can't take it out on you. The school system's have failed you and I weep for you.

C. Another illustration of the failure of the school system. It goes: A, B, then C. There aren't two B's in the alphabet. That's just redundant and crazy. How is sex taken out of context? Last time I checked, telling someone you want to f--k them wasn't the same as shaking hands or a pat on the back (another analogy. Try to keep up)

D. I understand that it's not about me (again). What I'm doing is trying to give him another perspective. That whatever tactics he used, he still found evidence that she may be cheating or unfaithful. You guys seem to be shifting the blame to him by chastising him for the methods he used. If he were to find nothing then yes, maybe he is paranoid and he does need help. However, he DID find evidence that points to her not being faithful to her words or him. This is the ONLY point. YOU seem to be using his post to take out your issues on me and him. This is shameful.

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 08:02 PM

I don't have issues with you or him. You and I have to agree to disagree. It's not about us. Your post is rude. And you continue to get ruder. I mistyped so now I'm uneducated and devoid of class. Nice. I have thoroughly read the post. If he doesn't trust her and feels she has doen him so wrong he needs to move around and not consider a friendship.

itried · Sep 11, 2009, 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

I don't have issues with you or him. You and I have to agree to disagree. It's not about us. Your post is rude. and you continue to get ruder. I mistyped so now I'm uneducated and devoid of class. Nice. I have thoroughly read the post. If he doesn't trust her and feels she has doen him so wrong he needs to move around and not consider a friendship.

I agree with you. This isn't about either of us. I gave my opinion and you immediately responded to ME, not the OP. So, forgive me if I defended myself. I apologize.

But, in all honesty, I think you need to re-read the post and reconstruct the timeline of events. He doesn't have to trust her and she doesn't have to trust him. The only way trust can be found in a relationship is when both parties prove themselves through their actions towards each other. No matter what you or me or anyone else says, he doesn't trust her because her actions don't justify it. She is OBVIOUSLY lying to him (because of the sex texting and STD talk). Everyone seems to have missed these critical points and instead just chose to give him crap for his behaviour. The real issue is how her behaviour makes him feel about their relationship going forward. Again, he was suspicious and his suspicions have been substantiated with evidence. Who's really the bad guy here? Him or her? Of course they have both done wrong but the magnitude of her wrongdoing greatly exceeds his given the evidence. What does this have to do with my feelings for fat people? What does this have to do with your feelings towards men? Nothing.

Again. At such an early stage of their relationship, the foundation has been destroyed because of the behaviour of both parties. Still, better for the OP to come her at this stage than after wasting years of being with her and then finding out about her infidelities.

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 08:34 PM

Talk about twisting words. I LOVE MEN, I respect men and my man for that matter and I too have had flirty converstaions. There is a tremendous amount of trust in my relationship and things are not taken out of context. I don't look at people or judge the amount of attention they get or don't get based on their size or any thing else on the surface.

I have read the posts and don't feel the need to re read them. What I know is that if I were in her shoes and someone gave me the signs that he gave her after only 4 months in to the relationship... he wouldn't have to leave me, I'd be gone.

He has written his post based on his assumptions and from it appears very little fact. It's from his perspective. You offered yours and I offered mine. Tell me this? Why would she be so generous and there for him if she was with so many other men? Isn't that somewhat contradictory? Not to mention expensive. Oh yea.. it's because she's a former fat girl and she has to buy her love... She spends 3-5 nights a week at his home. Leaving 2-4 nights being spent in her own home. Really? What other man is going to accept that. What I believe here is that some of this is baked in his head.
It's my opinion. You don't have to agree. My only hope is that if some of what I have said strikes a nerve with the OP,that he might give it some consideration.
The STD talk is taken out of context. She could have been speaking with a girlfriend he is the one saying that it was a man... how do we really know that it was a man and if it was I will ask again... what other reason other than using her inf the future do you really have to maintain a friendship? Seriously? I guess when you put everything that he has written together, she used to be fat... she insists on paying for everything and will be there for me financially whenever I need her, but I don't trust her, she's a really good girl and I want to stay friends. Say it outloud... it doesn't add up

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 08:44 PM

Let me add this weirdness adds to more weirdness. I can see so many different scenarios. Point being weight doesn't have to be the reason why she didn't sleep around with tons of men, perhaps she really is the good girl that you see her to be. Maybe she really does have feelings for you, but your behaviour seriously would drive a wedge of doubt into many girls heads. It's not fir for you to constantly consider her weight, your still treating her as if she has the issue. Be kinder