[TheeMother]

My son is 14 years-old -- I had him at a very young age and have since then been married and divorced. He has a 10 year old sister in my home. I have a live-in boyfriend... make a good living and go to school online, so I am home after 5pm.

I'm very involved in both of my children's activities... softball, basketball, girlscouts, music, etc. We were a very close knit family until maybe the last year or so.

My son's father lives about 40 miles away in a town that is pretty well known for being a violent place to live. The crime rates are high (this is where we grew up). My family still lives there but it is really a place where people don't get out without having kids young, if they get out alive at all. DisneyDad has a stepson who is 16 and 4 other children with his wife. Total of 5 children in the home. He has been driving with out a license for over 10 years due to a DUI, has moved five times in the last 2 years, smokes pot openly in front of his family, and thinks that a vasectomy happens in the rectum and will make him gay- that's why he won't get one.

My son has never been a stellar student. When we ground him he calls his father to pick him up and he does- often with out me even knowing that he's coming to get him. I ask him not to do this but he tells me... "if my baby calls me, I'm not going to say no". I've asked him to keep him grounded at his home and he never does. He thinks it's my fault that Son is this way since I have him most of the time. If I ask him to talk to him about his grades, he says it's my fault and he's not going to back me up on something that he has nothing to do with. I basically get no help. There really isn't a custody agreement between us. There also is no child support (which is fine). I've always only wanted us to get along since I thought it benefited our son more than if we were at eachother's throats.

Son did live with Disneydad one year (when he was 11). This did not work out. He started failing courses and was sneaking out of the house.

The problem is now that he's getting older, he wants to go back to his dad's. He idolizes his stepbrother who has been kicked out of the house 4 times over the last 3 years. His stepbrother is respectful to me but dabbles in gang-banging. Son has completely changed his style of clothing in the last 3 months. Every time I talk to him he makes a reference about living with his dad.

Son failed most of his classes last year. He is disrespectful and never does what he's told. He keeps telling me that he wouldn't be this way if he lived with his father. If I ask him what he did all day, he makes reference to how my house is 'boring' and his dad's house is 'fun'. He sometimes even says he likes his other sisters better than my daughter.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Is it my pride that's keeping me from letting him go? I honestly think that his father is not the smartest or best person to teach my son about life. My thought process is: teenagers are rebellious no matter what. Don't buckle... he has to learn to stick it through. But am I wrong about that?

[Jake2008]

I think you are smart to start thinking that the environment your son is in when he is in his fathers home, is unhealthy, and dangerous.

His father drives without a license, smokes pot in front of his family, lives a transient lifestyle, and does not provide structure or guidance, or probably discipline to your son. He has little regard for you, and even less for his son's well being in my opinion.

You ask if it is right to let him go and live with his dad. Although it might seem a good alternative to the grief he gives you, consider that most of the freedoms he has with his dad, is what he really wants. What you are getting is the aftermath of the influence of his father and step brother, which is making things worse. A steady diet at his dads will only make him worse, not better.

It sounds like he's already wearing gang colours. Bad, bad sign right there.

I can only tell you what I would do, and that would be to see a lawyer. Tell him exactly what you have said here as to the influence and situation with your ex. I would fight hard to address all the issues you have stated in court, and limit visitation, and overnight stays because of it. Something has to be worked out legally to protect your son.

Just my opinion, but the last thing you should do is give up and let him go and live with his father. I'd say the odds are things are not going to work out very well for him there for obvious reasons.