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Kirsten189 · Sep 2, 2009, 01:34 AM

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children together. He has a teenage daughter from his previous marriage. His ex-wife is also remarried and has no other children. Over the past 11 years that my husband and I have been together, his ex-wife has always used their daughter as a "pawn" in a chess match with him and has deprived him of visitation on numerous occasions. But he has always paid his monthly maintenance! In February, his daughter decided to move in with us to attend a better high school. Her mother, grandmother and uncle all told her that until she changed her mind, they would not accept her as their family and "wrote her off". Her mother eventually got used to the idea as long as she came home every single weekend - which we reluctantly agreed to. (The reason being our children love her to bits and vice versa and we like to do things on the weekend with her too!) Anyway, we stopped paying maintenance for this period as we were incurring all the expense. 3 weeks ago my husband and his ex-wife had an argument and the daughter got involved, lied to my husband (not the first time) and he told her that if she is going to live a life of lies and deceit, to rather move back with her mom. We have not seen or heard from her since and the mother is now demanding maintenance again! We are not in a very good financial situation at the moment having to pay full school fees for 3 children and my husband is self-employed. We can't affor to go to an attorney either! What do we do as we miss our daughter and are tired of all the threats and abuse!

JudyKayTee · Sep 2, 2009, 05:32 AM

You could go to Court to get custody transferred. If there was a support order and it was not changed during the time the child lived with you your husband owes his "ex" support for that time - the only thing that can change a Court Order is another Court Order. And I know it doesn't seem fair.

And, yes, he has to support his daughter according to the Court Order. He can always go to Court to get the support reduced, showing changed circumstances.

This is the problem with second families - often not enough money to go around.

Visitation and support are different things - you have to pay support even if you never see the child.

I'm sure you are aware you have no standing in any of this - it's your husband's fight (with your support, of course).

ScottGem · Sep 2, 2009, 05:50 AM

I have the feeling here that little if any of this was done through the courts.

Was there every a court order for support, custody or visitation? If so, did you ever modify it when the daughter moved in with you?

Kirsten189 · Sep 2, 2009, 06:16 AM

When my husband's ex-wife divorced him 12 years ago (after leaving him for another man), they had a divorce order advising that they have dual guardianship; and visitation for my husband granted every second weekend and twice during the week. This was never allowed. When my step-daughter decided to move in with us, it was hardly by choice as she had told her mom she wanted to move in with us and her mother duly told her to @#&! Off then! So we fetched her and carted her over 30km's every day to school. Her mother then realised what she had done and so conceeded to allow her to move schools and live with us. It was a verbal agreement so no, no Court Order was amended. (Don't know what country you guys live in but here in SA the Court's are kind of slow and not very knowledgeable.)
I know this has nothing to do with me but my step-daughter and I get along exceptionally well. She calls me "Mom" and I treat her like my child as this is who she is to me! This is killing our family that things have turned out the way they have. My husband has put up with his ex-wife's nonsense for as long as he can tolerate it and I must say, I don't think I could have dealt with it for as long as he has! Surely there must be some protection for the parent that has their child's true wellbeing at heart and has tried and tried over the years! My husband is the victim here - not his ex-wife but yet she is smiling all the way to England on holiday!! I can't believe that just because she is the mother she gets away with everything - our hard earned money and the joy of raising our daughter full time!

ScottGem · Sep 2, 2009, 06:22 AM

Originally Posted by Kirsten189

When my husband's ex-wife divorced him 12 years ago (after leaving him for another man), they had a divorce order advising that they have dual guardianship; and visitation for my husband granted every second weekend and twice during the week. This was never allowed. When my step-daughter decided to move in with us, it was hardly by choice as she had told her mom she wanted to move in with us and her mother duly told her to @#&! off then! So we fetched her and carted her over 30km's every day to school. Her mother then realised what she had done and so conceeded to allow her to move schools and live with us. It was a verbal agreement so no, no Court Order was amended. (Don't know what country you guys live in but here in SA the Court's are kind of slow and not very knowledgeable.)
I know this has nothing to do with me but my step-daughter and I get along exceptionally well. She calls me "Mom" and I treat her like my child as this is who she is to me! This is killing our family that things have turned out the way they have. My husband has put up with his ex-wife's nonsense for as long as he can tolerate it and I must say, I don't think I could have dealt with it for as long as he has! Surely there must be some protection for the parent that has their child's true wellbeing at heart and has tried and tried over the years! My husband is the victim here - not his ex-wife but yet she is smiling all the way to England on holiday!!!!! I can't believe that just because she is the mother she gets away with everything - our hard earned money and the joy of raising our daughter full time!

OK, first, if the mother denied visitation that was ordered by the court, the father should have filed for enforcement of the order. Apparently he didn't and let her get away with defying the court order.

Second, before the daughter moved in or as soon as she did, the father should have filed for a change in the custody arrangement. Only then could he legally stop paying support payments. Had he obtained a change in the custody order, he could force the child to move back in with you until the mother could file for another change. By not going through the courts on this, the father has put himself in a tenuous position.

There is protection for a caring parent, through the courts. Unfortunately you bypassed them.