Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    mcneilcs's Avatar
    mcneilcs Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 1, 2009, 05:41 AM
    We broke up but still close
    Hi I hope someone out there can give me some advice, I was with my ex for 4 yrs and a month ago we decided to break up mutually, I moved out and didn't contact him, we are now back in touch we text and things basically I needed to know why we couldn't try and make things work, he said he didn't want to try. So we still communicate like friends and that's all he wants to be he is nearly 40 and I have been his first long term girlfriend he says he happy and is enjoying his independence again. He got scared of the commitment so now he playing all the golf he can manage not that I ever stopped him doing so. I'm just confused because he says he misses me and feels guilty for hurting me, he always said he wouldn't so I'm haooy that we going out as friends but there is something about me that feels he is the one I told him we could see what happens and he is like I don't want to get your hopes up, he isn't interested in finding anyone else tbh, I don't think anyone would put up with what I did in 4yrs.I did say that going out as friends may just be like we first dated, and he says see what happens! I really have no idea what he wants? I have a friend who I've been playing squash with and he jealous because he's a guy, it's like he wants me but doesn't? It's driving me mad advice needed a.s.a.p
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Sep 1, 2009, 06:27 AM
    If he s nearly forty and you were his only longterm relationship he probably has a problem with commitment.going out as friends might not be such a good idea at this moment in time. Maybe you should have a good look at what you really want from life?and are you ever going to find this with your ex?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #3

    Sep 1, 2009, 06:32 AM
    Don't waste your time on someone who clearly doesn't want what you want. You have already wasted 4 years seeing what happens, so why add more wasted time for the same results.

    If he didn't want you as a mate after 4 years, he never will. You have to many high hopes of more to be friends with him, or even stay in touch with him at all. This friend stuff will lead to more misery and pain, and still no commitment.
    mcneilcs's Avatar
    mcneilcs Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Sep 6, 2009, 05:42 AM
    He didn't want relationship but sees me in his future I'm confused?
    Threads merged and edited.

    I told him how I still have feelings for him and how I would like it in time we could try again, he said he doesn't want to get my hopes up and just see what happens, but for now we both enjoying the no relationship /space idea neither of us are looking for anyone else, so he invited me round for a chat and had a laugh and long talk then he brought up holidays and he said if he won the lotto he would take me on an expensive holiday, I told him that I would be the last person he thinks of if he won the lotto and he replied no you wouldn't. He brought up the past and said things like you always wanted to go there etc.. As I was leaving he said to give him a shout when I was free so we could hang out and watch dvd's one night I played it cool but when I got home I was like OK what was all that about? I am glad we still close but I've gone through my grieving process and I know I just have to be patient and live my life just now, but what is he doing? Is he now missing me? realises he does still have feeling?s or was he just glad I was there for company? I know I can't wait for him forever but I do feel he is the one. I have been through break up's in the past and for some reason with him I can't seem to shut him out of my life.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #5

    Sep 6, 2009, 05:52 AM
    You ve gone through the grieving process and are living your own life now.I d advice you not to let your ex pop in and out in your life when it suits him,it ll only open up wounds that you ve healed.personally I don't believe in exes being friends.in many breakups there is a loss of trust and how can we remain friends when the trust is gone?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #6

    Sep 6, 2009, 09:35 AM
    As long as your still close, and seeing each other, then those old feelings will be constantly stirred up.

    No, your not over him, you have just accepted a non committed relationship status, because in the back of your mind you feel he will change his mind, and go back to official exclusive status. That's where all the questions about his feelings are coming from. False hope.

    Ask yourself where this so called quasi, uncommitted relationship is headed, and I am sure you will see that he will be over you, and off on other adventures, when something else takes his time. Where does that leave you? Wondering what happened.

    As for him, for now he has what he wants, companionship, friendship, and no commitment (hopefully your not making out or having sex any more).

    He hasn't missed what he had one bit, because your still there, until he gets the hots for another he wants to pursue. That leaves you still wondering, what happened?????

    Leave him alone, and do a proper break up. You can't even see your own healing, or other options you have while he is still in the picture.

    Its like getting the cow free.
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
    Senior Member
     
    #7

    Sep 6, 2009, 09:45 AM

    Yes, you have to build your own life for now. Sounds too me he has commitment issues. He is 40 and if he has committed to you by now, your wasting your time. Too me, it doesn't sound like it will change in the near future anytime soon. He wants you to be his friend and hang around with him, but he can't put a ring on your finger and get married. I would move on, you invested 4 yrs probably thinking he would change. Actually my daughter went with someone for 5 yrs, and she gave him a chance either he commit to her or she is out of it. They are happily married for 9 yrs now and have two little girls. Maybe that is what you have to do. But if there is no promise of a marriage or engagement, don't waste your time. Good luck.
    mcneilcs's Avatar
    mcneilcs Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Oct 17, 2009, 04:16 AM
    I've finally done it! I've explained to him I couldn't be his friend as it hurts me too much to see him just getting on with his life, although it's going to be so hard not to speak to him again I realise I got to stop this hurt, if he does come back it was meant to be but I'm not putting too much hope on that. I want to thank you for your advice.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #9

    Oct 17, 2009, 04:27 AM
    You did the right thing and now you can begin to look after yourself and eventually meet someone who ll be able to commit to a relationship.
    Come back and post whenever you need to.
    Take care.
    normalgirl's Avatar
    normalgirl Posts: 8, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #10

    Nov 7, 2009, 11:29 PM

    My ex and I broke up like about four months ago because he left town, it was hard at first and on time it got better. Though I kissed other guys and did stupid stuff like calling, texting or emailing him, I finally made it through. The most hurting thing was that two weeks after he left, he told me (cz we kept on being friens, which is actually not so bad, but I don't recommend it if you're not over the relationship.) that he was seeing this other girl he met on his new town.

    My first reaction was really fake because he told me on msn, so I prettended to be just fine. Two weeks later he came for a visit and we went out with our friends and when we were alone in his car I couldn't help it but tell him the true.

    So I did and he told me he didn't love me anymore, you can imagine my face when he did. I felt awful. After he left I called him and told him that this time I was going to take him out of my life for a while because I wasn't ready yet. We didn't speak for like a month and I felt better. Though I kept knowing all about his relationship with her through Facebook.



    Anyway, I finally felt better, but come on, I had to go through so much! I know it hurts but breakups are so much easier than what they seem. So, I've selected what I call easy steps that might help you not only to finally get over the relationship but to show your ex you're fine with him having a new girlfriend.



    1. Don't: call him, text, or Skype, msn, Facebook, Hi5, etc. Really try to cut off contact. I know this is hard, believe me, I do, we had a really long relationship (actually the longest one I ever had) . Especially because you're used to a rutine next to this person, so this is the only way to move on.

    2. Try: to keep the best memories, who wants hard feelings anyway? Better think of the relationship as a good thing that had to end eventually. Though you know that if it ended, whatever the reason was, you are always off for a new and better start. This might sound like a cliché but believe me, you so diserve bettter.

    3. DON'T, really DON'T kiss or sleep with other guys just to make you feel beter or for revenge. This is the most "anti-helpful" thing you can do and here are two simple reasons why: First, you are giving for free everything to a guy you don't care about and who probably doesn't care about you either. And last, your ex is going to find out and this are your chances: he might feel dissapointed of you and think about you as a and that's for sure something you don't want; he also will think (which is true, most of the time at least, because guys have such a huge ego) that you're doing this just to get back at him and he'll feel like he's the most important thing in your life.

    4. Stop: thinking about getting over the breakup. This might sound crazy, but believe me, as soon as you stop thinking about getting over him, you will. Because, you are giving too much importance about getting over it that you're not.

    5. Talk: When you really feel like you can talk to him, if you stayed friends offcourse, and you feel okay with the fact that he might (like just happened to me) tell you about how he told her he loved her or whatever thing about his new girl, go ahead talk to him. Men think they are so important in our lives that we can't face things without them or even face them. Well a true fact is that if you show him you're fine, and by showing I don't mean telling him "Hey, I'm doing fine!" nooo, I mean show him you've learned from the breakup and that there's no reason why not to stay friends. As well let him know that you actually think his new girlfriend is really pretty (this might sound as the craziest thing ever, but it worked for me). This way you'll show him that you are totally fine with it.



    Well, that's it. I really hope that this works for someone. I wrote it because I made all this mistakes in the past and I didn't find anyone who will actually tell me some sort of steps for free and the books or online guidance or whatever had a price. So this is completely uninterested help. I'm not going to charge you for reading it, haha, I just hope to read some of your stories, opinions and suggestions. Maybe in this way we can help each other.

    And last but not least, 6. Remmember: though you made a lot for mistakes there's always time to show that you're doing fine. I'm sure you're a hottie, don't let anyone tell you either, but that's not the only thing. You're a great and smart girl. So what if he found a new girl, in time and with no pressure you'll find another guy as well, who believe me will make you happier.
    mcneilcs's Avatar
    mcneilcs Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Nov 10, 2009, 06:20 AM

    Ok so it been over 3 weeks no contact and I feel much stronger, my ex called yesterday I ignored it, he text saying oh well somebody not happy with me then! And asked me how my holiday was going so what he doing? if he didn't care he wouldn't care about me ignoring his call or how my holiday was right?
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #12

    Nov 10, 2009, 06:40 AM
    It doesn't matter what he thinks or why he said what he said. Stick to NC and don't let this confuse you.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Whenever I get close I run [ 10 Answers ]

It seems whenever I get close to someone I'm dating and the initial mystry is over I want to run. I find myself wondering what else is out there, or running away from the relationship because its getting too serious. I do want a serious relationship but when I start to get to that point in my...

Open/close tub valve is broke [ 5 Answers ]

Its officially broke and the water goes down slow. I unscrewed the 2 screws that held the plate and cleaned it with baking soda, and found this metal wire part came out, one eye is broken (looks like a hook and eye thing that attached to 2 mental hooks). The tub came with the house built in 1989....

Close to sex. [ 31 Answers ]

I'm so close to having sex with my boyfriend... I know we are young, but it feels right, I know there are consequences, but I really don't care, I want to do this, and I know I am ready, I know everyone will argue against me, but I feel so right about this. We have places and times planned, but...

Guy, Way Too Close! [ 8 Answers ]

I've known this guy for a couple of months now but I don't know him that much. We've only had a few conversations. The thing is that whenever he talks to me, he comes really close too me. Really close, you know when you feel someone's invading your personal space. That's it. Why is he "acting"...

Gas line & dryer vent pipe - how close is too close? [ 1 Answers ]

I'm rerouting the gas dryer vent piping so that it will inside the adjoining stud wall. At the top of the wall the vertical exhaust pipe will be within an inch or two of the horizontal running copper gas supply line. Question - is there a minimum distance that the metal dryer exhaust pipe must...


View more questions Search