[MarriedMan]

Hi,

I am 41, met my wife in 1997, got married in 2004 after living together from 98 to Sept 2003... It's a long story. We lived in Ireland before we were married and 6 months before being married she wanted to return to Spain. I am not sure why I followed her, I loved her but I was confused by her decision. We bought an Apartment in Madrid in 2004 and a week after marriage I had to go away to work. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, it is not something I would do. I returned to Madrid after 5 months and stayed for a further 6 months before resuming work back in Ireland/UK, my wife now being 3 months pregnant and this stressed me in a way I had never known before because I felt some kind of instinct to go and work and bring money into the house, now that a baby was about to arrive. The work I do is IT and contract work so I can't take time off very often, I arranged to return for the birth but my wife told me not to come until after the birth, this was when the marriage entered into difficulties, and since then 4.5 years have been arguments and voice raising etc... I am now back in Spain a further 6 months since we had a second child 5 months ago. I am living now in a village where her parents are, there is nothing here for me, no life no friends and no job. I have as I see it given up everything to be a house husband doing the cleaning and all house work when I am back. I feel that I can't take it any more I am bored and so far from anything I know, my wife treats me like I am useless to her even though I bought the two properties (no mortgages) and do more than any husband would ever do around the house. There is so much more I'd have to write a book to tell all... I am confused, and would like to live more, go on Holidays and enjoy life with my children, but she thinks we can’t do anything with the baby only 5 months old. I don't have a driving licence either I have nothing here and am so confused. My wife blames me for everything big or small, being bossed around constantly. The strange thing is I can't wait to go working on my next contract, to get some freedom and a bit of life. Seems all our problems came after the conception of our first son. I am not perfect and I make mistakes but my wife never forgives nor forgets. Example of her issues with me……..

-Maintains I did not make enough of an effort to contact her when she had her first child, I did but have no proof that I did –she does not believe me. I wish I ignored her and came over for the birth, which is what I had arranged to do with my bosses at the time.
-Many strange accusations where I don’t care about anybody else but myself and I can’t understand that given that I have nothing that I want out of life

What do I do, I don’t even speak Spanish very well…………..

[rachelbunny]

You poor thing, sounds like you're a little depressed, I wish that I could say something that would solve it all for you. It sounds like you love your family very much but you have to be selfish sometimes too, you only live once and life is short.

You are right not to cheat on your wife, and it sounds like you are doing everything that you should be doing really. Do you want more love and affection from your wife or do you want something else? Try to remember what it felt like when you first got together. Try to be more romantic, flowers and special time together, for example. She may have post natal depression. Does she agree that things are not right? Is she aware that things are not equal at the moment? Try and calmly talk things though with her, tell her that you love her but you are not happy.

Sit down and make a private list of what you want out of life and start making the first steps to accomplishing them, just knowing that you have made a start will make you feel a little better and more in control of your life.

Is there anyone back home you can talk to, family or friends? You could try marriage counseling. I hope that things get better for you, good luck. Xx

[MarriedMan]

Thank you Rachel, I wish my wife was more understanding like you. Life is not a bed of roses for my wife either, it must be hard for rher when I have to go away and work and she being a Primary school teacher leaving the two boys with her mother to look after until 2pm. I have told her that I am due to return to a very good contract and that she should take of the year at her own expense, there would be no financial issues, we have never had financial issues, I think she never appreciates that... I recall my Father losing hisjob at 51 with the youngest child being 11. It was tough but my Mother returned to work and supported the Family, he never did much around the house, but I seem to be like my mother obsessed with cleaning, my wife does no house work, very rarely and I don't mind because she has a baby to look after in ways I can't. But she still shows no appreciation... I can't even get time to write a question like this but she feels I am being selfish. I have tried the Romance but it comes at times when she is not taling to me and that last time she ignored the flowers gift on our anniversary. I am a man and we have our issues, I want to be romatic but I find it hard when she is so nasty to me... It get sin the way of any progress. I have never done anything intentionally to make her like this, why would I want a life of being hen pecked by my wife, but that what my life is turning into. I feel sometimes that these arguments are over such nonsense and trivial issues that there has to be a solution and it has to be quite simple. There are times when things go well and then one day because the baby would not take the food from me she jumps at me. I find myself living in fear of the next thing I might have done wrong without even knowing I have done something wrong... But she insists that I did that for a reason which leaves me lost for words, I try but I can never get anywhere and as you say I am becimming very depressed about my position and where I am and where I live etc...

[MarriedMan]

One other thing in answer to your question, what I want is what we had for 6 years before we got married, and before the first child was conceived, she was very easy going and easy to talk to and be with, she was loving and kind and cuddly and cute, I don't see any of this, she was quite innocent but now, she knows everything and treats me like I am a fool and worthless... I wan tto do things togeher go places together share conversations about life now and the future plan each year and plan bigger events for the future so we have aims and goals and more important events to look forward to and enjoy

[rachelbunny]

You need to toughen up a little and tell her that treating you this way is not acceptable, stand up for yourself, it's your life too.

I used to walk all over my ex when I was depressed because he behaved like a doormat. He let me behave that way, he did everything too, cooking etc.

I'm with someone else now and I've learnt from my past behaviours. I never want to be like that again. She needs to be made aware of how good she has it with you and that she is behaving badly. X