[gnothiseauton]

Hii folks:

This is about one girl that I fell for at the first sight and then discovered her past: here is what happened:

I proposed and convinced her to give our relationship a chance - just cause I fell for her..

Within around 2 weeks I told her everything about my life but she is generally less communicative nad does not share things, thoughts and feelings openly (but always says she is trying to be more open with me and she has been quite open lately)

I asked her if she has had any boyfriends in past - she said no - I asked her why she said she is afraid to get hurt

However during the next 2/3 weeks, I sensed she was kind of hiding something from me.. so I continued nagging her and even explicitly asking her if she has lied to me.. she first denied and then apologised... after a couple of days i.e. around 5 weeks of our relationship and after my nagging her - she comes up nad tells me the following:

She was in a non-committment/no questions asked kind of relationship (as she loved him but didn't want to oblige him to love her always - that's what she gives me as a rationale - and I find it slightly difficult to digest) with a guy who after around a year and a half she discovered he is married and has a small kid.. so she is out of that relationship now... a few more things about it which concern me...

1. she did not share about this relationship with anyone - except one friend - not even with parents and cousins.. she even allowed others to court her just to give people an impression that she is not in a relationship.. and she was also doubting him and his love for her..
2. she has had frequent sex with him (around 8/10 times)
3. she had doubts on that guy but still she continued to have sex with him.. as she thought she would give everything she has to the one she loves. .
4. I asked her why didn't she tell his wife - once she discovered - she said she is afraid and she didn't want to ruin their family..
5. she nomore likes that guy contacting him but she has forgiven him and when he contacts her - saying how is she and he still wants her to go back to him - she advises him that it is not good and he should look after his wife and children..
6. we've had a very passionate relationship in this short time and have had sex as well..

I have been nagging her quite a lot over the past couple of months with 1000 question on the above.. she has largely been patient and responds (but only by brief answers to my qeustions ) but responds and tolerats my constant nagging.. she is ashamed of it.. feels she was stupid and

I've had a prettly plain past observing abstenance from any physical relationships, I find all of the above very fuzzy and just can't get over it.. This is making me re-think and worried about this relationship -

Please throw stones/advice..

[redhed35]

Looks like the only one throwing stones is you.

You asked this woman to marry you within a short time of meeting her?

She has had an affair with a married man.. she's not the first.

She is out of that relationship now,and probably knows its best.
She's with you,let the past be the past.

Stop nagging,and let it go before she comes to the conclusion that she is better off without a man who can't accept her past.

Take your time and get to know her,maybe she will talk more freely when there is not a million questions to answer in the after math.

[messiable]

I agree with the above.
She told you even though she didn't want to, she hasn't even told her family.
If she feels ashamed then you should forget it because it shows that she knew it was wrong theirfore will not do it again.
She sounds really nice, if she didn't want to ruin the other guys family.
Main thing is she's married to you now and show her that by marrying you she has made the right choice.

[slapshot_oi]

You are so self-absorbed that you're out of touch with reality.

You have some pretty high standards for one, I don't see that she did anything wrong. Secondly, she's a saint for having put up with your admitted nagging.

And, if I understood correctly, you proposed to someone you didn't even know?

[gnothiseauton]

looks like the only one throwing stones is you.

you asked this woman to marry you within a short time of meeting her?

she has had an affair with a married man..she's not the first.

she is out of that relationship now,and probably knows its best.
she's with you,let the past be the past.

stop nagging,and let it go before she comes to the conclusion that she is better off without a man who can't accept her past.

take your time and get to know her,maybe she will talk more freely when there is not a million questions to answer in the after math.

Thanks for your response!

1. I haven't asked her to marry - we have just discussed the possibiliyt but are open that it might not happen - as it is a long distance - cros-cultural relationship!

2. its not that I do not accept her past - but she was a lill hesitant to share details about that and I thought I need to understand how has she handled relationships in the past before moving on..

3. hmm you say ''she is with you and let the past be past''' - I wish(actually don't wish:) that life was that simple my friend! It just sounds good but 'dont know how true and real it is

4. yes, I agree I need to give this thing time and be a little more patient..

Thanks again!

[gnothiseauton]

i agree with the above.
she told you even though she didnt want to, she hasnt even told her family.
if she feels ashamed then you should forget it because it shows that she knew it was wrong theirfore will not do it again.
she sounds really nice, if she didnt want to ruin the other guys family.
main thing is shes married to you now and show her that by marrying you she has made the right choice.

Hey hold on guys! i guess there is some unintentional mis-representation from my side: we are not married - i just have asked her if we can explore the possibilities and thats what we are doing right now

[Silverfoxkit]

Perhaps the way you are treating the matter is why she felt so obliged to keep it a secret.

She had an affair with a married man, and she is rightfully ashamed. She does not need you or anyone else to hammer this home and make her feel any worse about it.

You have only two real options here:

Get over it or Leave her.

Nagging and pressing on the tender matter will not help anything. If you do not feel that you can accept her mistakes and move on then please have the courtesy of letting her move on with her life.

[gnothiseauton]

Perhaps the way you are treating the matter is why she felt so obliged to keep it a secret.

She had an affair with a married man, and she is rightfully ashamed. She does not need you or anyone else to hammer this home and make her feel any worse about it.

You have only two real options here:

Get over it or Leave her.

Nagging and pressing on the tender matter will not help anything. If you do not feel that you can accept her mistakes and move on then please have the courtesy of letting her move on with her life.

My dear sir! Thanks for your response!

1. I nagged/treated her like it only when/because she lied and kept secrets so its not the
Otherway round as you sa..
2. THough the realisation makes me feel weird but my objective is to understand everything about her past - so she won't tell/share with me without me asking in detail.. even I am feeling bad asking all this but how else would I know/undertand if I don't ask/nagg her about it..

I understand I got two options and its simple to just write a sentence on the saying you've got two options.. but we(some of us) are emotional people (you can say emotional fools - not so practical like most advises here) nad can't just move on like it.. like the way you write..

This and other responses in the thread raise a more fundamental question - about the past as I think past matters!! The whole notion of past is past and forget is to me is just a hoax and a reason to run away from thinking -- and just having fun kind of shallow mentality

[talaniman]

We've had a very passionate relationship in this short time and have had sex as well..

So its okay for a holier than thou hypocrite to question the morals of a young girl who has made a mistake, but you do the same thing as the married b@stard?

I think that's sick, pathetic, and think your using her for sex under the lie of a "proposal", you have no intention of keeping.

I've had a pretty plain past observing abstinence from any physical relationships, I find all of the above very fuzzy and just can't get over it.. This is making me re-think and worried about this relationship -

This is where your lie falls apart, claiming to be a virgin to this female, so I guess its also her fault your having sex NOW!! What a liar you are, and how disgusting a person you must be.

we are not married - i just have asked her if we can explore the possibilities and thats what we are doing right now

Leave her alone to get beyond your tricks, as she probably deserves a REAL man , who is at least honest enough to tell her he sees no future with her but wants to use her body.

[Gemini54]

I think that you're controlling and dominating and you're trying to hide your own insecurities and lack of experience.

What right have you got to know everything about her past? It's not her past that you need to worry about, it's your attitude to it. The past is only as important as you make it, and you're making it an elephant.

What's really going on here is that you're frightened and insecure and instead of enjoying your relationship you want to nag the poor woman to death about something that happened before you were on the scene. They are her secrets to keep and she is entitled not to tell you anything.

Of course you can move on and put this aside - you just need to make that choice. Believe me, she won't be around for long if you continue on this destructive path.

[gnothiseauton]

I think that you're controlling and dominating and you're trying to hide your own insecurities and lack of experience.

What right have you got to know everything about her past? It's not her past that you need to worry about, it's your attitude to it. The past is only as important as you make it, and you're making it an elephant.

What's really going on here is that you're frightened and insecure and instead of enjoying your relationship you want to nag the poor woman to death about something that happened before you were on the scene. They are her secrets to keep and she is entitled not to tell you anything.

Of course you can move on and put this aside - you just need to make that choice. believe me, she won't be around for long if you continue on this destructive path.

---
Gemini,

Thanks for your emphatic response - appreciate it! I agree with most of your points including that I am lill frightened and insecure, inexperienced - also that have been dominating nad controlling! And that I have not had a perfectly right approach and conduct towards it.. I am also feeling bad about it ! I wish and try that I would stop being all that - but as this relationshis as I see are one time and thus hightly important to ones life (I know it depends on both and more on oneself - but still I see this as a very critical decision for life).. so m a lill anxious as if we are both right for each other.. but I would slightly differ about your point of past and secrets - starting with haven't been nagging her because of what she did in past - it was a mistake - everyone does them - but what you think about them in present is very important and that's where I think past connects itself to present.. and its difficult to just cut oneself off and separate from past in totality - hence I think that if two people are seriously contemplating to live together in future they should be very open and honest about everything including past.. as against your point of right to keep secrets and past is past.. if one is not open and is secretive about past - or anything I would consider it as a red flag.. as in principal... you can justify almost everything wrong with that argument that past is past lets move on..

I am just sharing my views -with you as I really appreciate the way you resonded..

Thanks again!

[gnothiseauton]

So its okay for a holier than thou hypocrite to question the morals of a young girl who has made a mistake, but you do the same thing as the married b@stard??

I think thats sick, pathetic, and think your using her for sex under the lie of a "proposal", you have no intention of keeping.

This is where your lie falls apart, claiming to be a virgin to this female, so I guess its also her fault your having sex NOW!!! What a liar you are, and how disgusting a person you must be.
Leave her alone to get beyond your tricks, as she probably deserves a REAL man , who is at least honest enough to tell her he sees no future with her but wants to use her body.

Goosh! :) mr. SENIOR RELATIONSHIP EXPERT - :) you are almost God! You know myself and everything more than even myself! :) super!

Sir/Mam,

All I have to say to you is - Thanks for your response and congratulations for getting close to 24000 responses :)

The only reason I am attempting to respond to your super hurried and conclusive remarks/response is for other people to not form views based on your out of the context response .. so this is not respond to you as for he response you deserve I will have to waste my time typing and talking with you and bringing myself down to your level (which I don't intend to do ) hence I request you please stop anymore supply of your expertise to my question - as I wish to have no more conversation with you - unless you can't stop/resist ';)

1. I have discussed about the possibility of marriage by introducing her with my parents - and whole of my extended family - some of whom was very excited about it and some of whoe are anxious - as it's a cross-cultural relstionship.. so if I was not serious.. I would not do this - I guess. (but Mr. talaniman - sr. relationship expert - playing god! Seems to know more than I do :) )

2. None of us are using no one for sex! - have had it only once and have decided to
Further abstain from it until marriage - sex is not the point here - sir/mam be it a man
Or a woman - we can get it extremely easily these days..