[Survivor07]

I agree with the others who have suggested a separation and counseling together and alone. Clear your mind and go from there. If you're afraid of what he will do when you're not around... well, then there's you're answer.

Sorry this happened to you, but do not think for one minute that you owe it to your families and friends because of the wedding to make this work!! That's craziness

All that matters is how you feel right now, and right now you're shocked and hurt and probably can't make a clear decision.

In my own experience, I stayed married way too long waiting for my ex to "change". I wasted a lot of years. I, too, thought, well, what else is out there for me? I'll just wind up with someone else who has issues, blah, blah. They were just excuses for me to stay in what was comfortable to me at the time. Let me tell you, there are plenty of wonderful men out there and my freedom from the painful marriage was nothing short of heaven.

Good luck to you

[dincher]

She's not your friend. Please dump this petty excuse for a human being. Her character is weak.
As for your hubby, not sure if you want to forgive him - I so desperately wanted my adulterous husband to stay and work things out with him - so it's up to you if you want to do that. However, I'd definitely get rid of that so called girlfriend.

[handyamby]

I would probably give him another chance. Only because it seems like it could have been your "friend" coming on to him. He should not have done what he did, but if your "friend" was out to get him, that really sucks for him (no pun intended ;) He did confess. Maybe a trial separation to see if he still feels the same after and doesn't hook up with someone else.

[N0help4u]

I'd give you a disagree handyamby but my comment is way too look to fit in the disagree.
Its not like they had a one time ''accident''
They are both making excuses thinking she should be a fool and 'she loves me so much she won't leave me even if I... '
And just accept their lame ''well, we couldn't help it, it just happened, we didn't mean to, besides it was the other ones fault''
They both wanted it or they wouldn't have let it get this far and then come up with illogical excuses.
There was not one but at least two incidents
that she knows about, how many other times there may be that she isn't even aware of or how can she trust it was only this far and not all the way?
Sorry they went too too far already!

Confession doesn't mean anything a lot of times ALL it means is ''she caught on so I have to admit to the minimum to give her false hope that
I will change''.

He betrayed her
He has no self control
He isn't valuing their marriage and its only been 4 months
He is making excuses
He is in denial
He is expecting her to play the fool

NOPE she don't need to be the dope.

[asking]

Dump him.

Even if by some miracle he stopped cheating, his basic attitude toward you and his marriage is not going to change. He'll just go around whining about how jealous you are and he's afraid to cheat and he'll do new and inventive disrespectful things to you all the time. He will still lie and blame others for his own failings--that's obviously a first line of defense for him. That's the best you can hope for, and believe me, that's not a life.

He isn't even afraid to tell you lies that make no sense. Ignore his crocodile tears. He's just trying to calm you down long enough for you to lose momentum, after which he can resume his have-his-cake-and-eat-it-too lifestyle.

[jmw0713]

You are being stabbed in the back by both your "husband" AND your "friend".

Personally, if I found out something like this happened, my @ss would walking far, far away from both of them!!

[Silverfoxkit]

but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat?

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

I can understand that you are scared of the possibilities of being alone and haunted by the "what if" factor and shame of divorce. Divorce is a big scary concept that is not to be taken lightly but this is no small matter either.

This is NOT a one time mistake or a temporary lapse in judgement. He can cry all day but that does not make him truly sorry as long as he keeps turning around and trying/attempting to do it again. He is doing these things with a clear mind repetedly. Screw now, cry my way out of it later is not the road to healing trust, hearts, and marriages but that is exactly what he is doing. Each tear is pretty much a down right lie he's feeding you.

"What if he really does change?" is the thread of rope you are holding onto and strangling yourself with at the same time. There are other things you need to really think harder on."What if he doesn't change" being at the top of the list.

Ask yourself this big "What if" right now.

If you were gone from home for any reason, and this tramp of a "friend" were to show up at your doorstep and say to him "Take me now, I want you." would he? Be honest with yourself.

My money is on in a heartbeat without reserve, yes. He'd probably have his pants down before she finished the sentence.

[Ash123]

This is all really good stuff and actually helpful. I am reading and listening, but scared. I do have the guts to move on, and a big part of me is ready, but its that small chance that I am making a wrong decision that keeps me here. Most people I have talked to that know my spouse tell me to work it out. That every marriage has problems and that we can get through this. Everyday I have to hear him crying and just hoping for a small chance for things to be happily-ever-after. He won't leave me alone. And his parents just in my ear begging me to trust him. I do see the pattern here, most likely it will happen again and those statistics, wow! I am trusting a bunch of strangers for advice with one of the biggest decisions of my life. I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling - but too expensive for me right now and most reasonable ones are booked for months. I am smart, have a masters, am applying for law school. I can do better - now I just have to figure out how to get out of this wisely.

Well said. Scary stuff. But he's being a child. Does what he wants and then cries when caught.
He might stop for a year or two... but not forever. He wants his cake and to eat it too.
Be warned of one thing: he may move on quick as a survival mechanism if you separate - as he clearly is a narcissist that cannot be alone or introspective... so, do not take it personally.

[N0help4u]

- as he clearly is a narcissist that cannot be alone or introspective....so, do not take it personally.

I wouldn't say a narcissist particularly but he sure has ZERO self control

[vanheart]

I agree.

Not necessarily a narcissist, but a disgusting person.

Sounds like he's simply like that, you just didn't know.

Is that the kind of person anyone wants?

There's no forgiveness for that. Cause if you do or after, he'll do it again.

Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn't mean anything if your mate is a cheat.

Its about your ultimate happiness. Don't worry about ending this.

Let him do this to someone else. You don't need the pain.

Remember, he was doing you a favor by walking her to her car & showed his erection. What do you think he wanted?

Get it?

[Ash123]

I agree he has "zero self-control" but there's more that must underly such behavior from a psychological standpoint. As that alone, is not a diagnosis.
I have a hunch there is more to the story.. ergo: narcissist theory. But would need to know more about him... but I think worth a mention as to what she may be dealing with:

A Field Guide To Narcissism | Psychology Today

His pattern with her and friends that she's seen would reveal more. The main thing is we all agree a mistake may have been made here and hanging in there may just be delaying inevitable.
He has something wrong with him, that you cannot assume will go away with a few cries and a quiet night at home.

[MayfairLady]

It's not about who he lies WITH. Its who he lies TO that matters.

If you do not value yourself enough NOT to be lied to and buy into and believe his LIES then good luck in your life of fantasy and make believe.

You knew he was a cheater before you married him, so really you should not be that surprised. In fact it doesn't sound like you really are surprised or going to take it seriously like you should.

Again, good luck at lying to yourself in your life of fantasy and make believe. AND believe me he will make you believe whatever HE likes if you stay! Sounds like he is a professional to me.

[MayfairLady]

All of you are correct...But it is so hard to close the door on someone whom is trying so hard to make things right. We indeed love each other and have a successful life together. I am 28, him 32 - Your right; It would be best to end things now and find another...but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat? Thats the hard part... Or will I find somone with a different flaw that is just as bad or worse and be miserable forever. Right now I feel like all men cheat and some women just never find out.

I am, am "seeking a way to make it right and feel better". Everyone around us envies our love and compliments what a great future I will have with him and can't wait for us to have children. blah, blah, blah! If only they new the current revelation. And all the gifts and money spent on our wedding $70K - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try to make it work. OMG, is this really happening.

Do I have the strength to cut my loses now? To face the embarrassment and battle each day alone having no loving arms to come home to. I imagine 5 years from now with a kid and find out he is cheating again and just dying for bringing a child into this mess..or he really changes and 5 years from now being happier than ever. Wow!!!

I do appreciate that you would not be on here asking for advice unless you were serious. I had read the above and thought you were not taking it as seriously as you SHOULD. i.e. looking at things through rose coloured glasses so that you could choose the easy option and stay. You are baseing all your wishful thinking on a fantasy which does not exist in real life he has already done counselling and said it wouldn't happen again... u get my point?

Really I only want to save you the years of misery I have just been through with a cheater. They NEVER change. I said what I said out of love. Move on you are smart, be smart with your heart.

Much love X x

[Survivor07]

Hey, Doesitgetbetter,

You asked if you had the strength to cut your losses now. I guess only you know, but ask yourself if you would have the strength to do it later on, when you do have children and more time and money invested. That's when the test of strength comes in.

Just think how hard it would be and how much regret you would have if this scenario takes place again in five or ten years when you two do have children.

Just something to think about.

Don't beat yourself up because this happened before you married him and you married him anyway. Everyone deserves a second chance. You, however, did not deserve this.

So, do right by yourself and take the time and space you need to think this whole thing through. Cutting your losses now will be much easier than doing it down the road, when there's so much more to lose.

[ohsohappy]

Honey, you really shouldn't have married this man in the first place. (I read other posts)

And your best friend really sounds like a W**RE

Ditch them both, please, or you're going to keep getting hurt.

[dincher]

Yes - please save yourself the misery. My husband was a cheat and today he's left me out in the cold, and I'm stuck in thousands of dollars of debt thanks to him. So please know that being with a cheater brings more trouble than anything mind or heart related

[dosborne08]

You have to do what's right at this point and live with what turns out to be. If you live your life wondering what about "5 years from now" you will go crazy. What's right it right, and what wrong is wrong. Do what you have to do!

[ohsohappy]

You have to do whats right at this point and live with what turns out to be. If you live your life wondering what about "5 years from now" you will go crazy. Whats right it right, and what wrong is wrong. Do what you have to do!

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