[joejack911]

My lady and I have spoken about our sex lives several times. She claims that she is open and honest with me, but it seems like every time we talk about the lack of sex in our relationship. I always end up finding out something new.

I knew that coming into this relationship she had sex with only three guys before she met me. In my past, that was about average with most of the women that I was dating. When we were dating, I never made any sexual advances toward, which is my MO. Cool and calm even though I wanted to. After several weeks of dating, she jumped on me for sex the way that I like. The sex was great for the first year. I thought she had a great sexual appetite. The beginning of the second year of the relationship, she only wanted to have sex on the weekend because she was working full time and she went back to grad school. I agreed. Three year in the relation ship, she graduated, and it still was sex only on the weekend. Then it became sex only Saturday. At this point, she showed no interest in sex what so ever. I thought I it was me just wanting it to bad. I was in my late 20's, and I think that is pretty much expected of a young guy.

Three years and a half into the relationship we move in together, and I went back to grad school. At this point, I knew that she didn't think much about sex anymore, but when she had the urge I couldn't tell her no, she would get up set, and she would blame me for us not having sex because I tell her no when she is in the mood That was complete lie. I only told her to wait until I get back once, because I had a midterm that coming Monday. She would wait right before I would head to library to study to get me. I asked her why she couldn’t wait until I got back from the library, so we could have the whole night to ourselves. She cried that was pretty much that night in a nutshell.

I am almost done with school now, and she got laid off in middle of the financial crisis. Now she has more time on her hands, and she has so many issues with me. She tells me that I don't treat her nice, and I neglect her. That is not true at all. I asked her to name three things that I do badly to her, and the only thing that she could say is she picks up after me. I am not a messy person at all. My study table has a bunch of books and notes (2 books and one note book). That was all she could come up with. I am working and going to grad school full time paying all of the bills. I have a lot on my plate. She kept talking about her feeling, so I asked her about mine. I asked if she knew man in his late 20's that is willing to have sex once every two weeks because they loved someone. Then she finally told me the truth. She said that she was never into sex, and it caused her to break up with her previous boyfriend, and she had all that sex with me in the beginning, so I wouldn't be interested in anyone else. I told her she succeeded. I asked her why. She thought I was a good catch. I told her if I knew this in the beginning. We would've never gotten this far. For the last two years, I thought the problem was with me. I never begged or hounded her. I let her be.

After her me telling me the truth, she says that she was starting to like sex more, and she would like to do it more often. Lasted about a month, and same old person is back. I really love this lady, but I don't know what to do. The other day she started talking about marriage and kids. Honestly, I don't think we can go any further with things being the way they are now. Please help thanks.

Joe

[jenniepepsi]

My first thought whenever someone does not want/like sex at all (be they man or woman) is was this person molested or raped as a child/young

[joejack911]

No she wasn't molested or raped. She was a extremely shelter person growing up.

[jenniepepsi]

Ahh that could cause issues too. If she was extreamly sheltered in the sense that my cousins were, chances are she may have been told over and over that sex is evil, dirty, wrong, sinfull, etc. she may not believe that, but the damage has already been done and subconciously she can't relax and get into it.

No matter what the cause, I would suggest you get couples counseling, and get some counseling for her alone.

[Zlata]

Well, when it comes to my first thought...
Joe, do you really, but honestly love a person who started dating with you cause of you are a "good choice"? Trapping you to relationship with you upon faking a great sexual apetite and if any comment of complaint made by you , you immediately being accused from her faults just to shush you? Blaming you for her faults? Do you want to love and marry a liar?

This looks to me... as a very scary starting MANIPULATION guys, but I would like to know what others think about this issue. I suggest: LEAVE ASAP! SAVE YOUR LIFE ENERGY AND HAPPYNESS.
Do you want to love and marry a liar?

[jenniepepsi]

Pretending to like sex isn't really a lie, especially if she was doing it out of love for him knowing that he wanted it. I do this EVERY time my husband I and I have sex. I HATE it. But I do it because I love my husband and know that he needs it. But I would be happy to go the rest of my life without it.

[joejack911]

I agree with you in many cases, but I don't think that is the problem I hear. She has really never spoke to anyone about sex while growing. I think it was the same for me as well. My dad spoke me my brother and I about sex, but he was extremely vague. One major detail that I left out of the story is that she has been masturbating since she was 14, and she is 28 yrs old now and she still masturbates.

[jenniepepsi]

Masterbating at 14 and into adulthood is perfectly normal hon

[joejack911]

Zlata, I see where you are coming from. Her mother and I aren't the best of friends, and she always think that someone is out to do her wrong. I think it is because of the things that she used to do in the past. Zlata, that is why my mind is spinning. We purchase a condo together, and I can' see myself married to her the way things are. I didn't have any problems a few year back, but to hear that she has been hold out on me because she didn't want to tell me the truth really hurt, so bad.

[Zlata]

I personally find as not that normal when you pretend you are different than you really are at the very beginning for the purpose to attract the other partner into a relationship - regarding to sexual matters.
It is pretty common when partners, after years are not that much into sex anymore, but do it less than they did 2 or more years ago... it is natural and depends on their stamina.

[Synnen]

There are sooooo many reasons for loss of sexual drive.

Get her to a doctor, and get the BOTH of you in couples counseling.

Otherwise, just walk away now.

PS--nearly every woman I've talked to about it fakes a bigger sexual appetite than she has for the first year of a relationship. It's JUST like guys faking that they like going dancing or to the theatre or whatever to impress a girl, when they wouldn't be caught DEAD doing it with the guys---and THAT diminishes over time (like, say, after the first year) too.

[joejack911]

Jennie, there is nothing wrong with masturbating. I do it myself. I think more then I should. When I have more sex with myself than with the person I love and live with then I think something is wrong. Me not touching her body making sad sometimes.

[joejack911]

Synnen, I am going see if I can book a session with a sex therapist of or something. I don't want to give up on her. I do love her. Everything else between use is fine.

[Zlata]

Man, I do have old european roots, but I've been dating the best man of my life, who is american living here with me. :D
I see how he appreciates me being honest with him, even when the truth is sometimes bitter.

I never like to cheer anyone to run away from relationship, I am used to fight for it. But I said such strong words in first comment for a reason. In case you really believe you can change her, go for it and I will always wish you a great luck man. :) For consideration... she is already 28. :( Bad parrenting? Don't know, but sad.
I cannot advice in any way how to help to change someone else, as I never do so... never worked when I tried.

[jenniepepsi]

Good for you not giving up on her stick by her side. It may be hard... but if you guys can make it, your relationship will be all the stronger for it. Good luck and keep us posted!

[joejack911]

I appreciate everyone's advice. Another thing to she doesn't have female friends, and her mother gives her advice. I can honestly tell you that I not fond of her mother. She is starting to pick up a lot of mother ways is making me afraid also.

[Zlata]

C'mon man, head up, chest in front and wishing u luck! ;)

[Gemini54]

It’s not unusual in a relationships for sex to become less important than when you first met. But 4 years is not 14 years. And that’s OK if you're both OK with it. And you're not.

You need to talk to your GF. Not just the usual 'why don't we have more sex' conversation that you've already had. You need to have the bottom line talk. You need to let her know this is not a small issue; that this is a potential deal breaker in your relationship.

I guess you also need to ask her if she's prepared to REALLY do something about her lack of desire for sex. Ask her whether she will go with you to see a counselor and discuss in more depth the dynamics of your relationship and the potential reasons for her loss of interest in sex.

What you will want to see from your GF is some form of action. You will want to see that she is responding to what you've told her and that she sees the seriousness of the situation. You want to see that she is prepared to look at some form of help for the sake of your relationship.

What you don't want to see is your GF halfheartedly shagging you to get you off her back about the issue and then after a few weeks reverting back to the status quo.

This is not about blaming her or expecting her to “be better” in the bedroom. This is about you being grown up enough to realize this has become a major issue in your relationship and her accepting the same responsibility. It’s about you both being prepared to at least look for a solution.

A relationship without sex when one partner wants it is frequently very painful. Resentment and frustration builds over time and this starts to infect other parts of the otherwise healthy relationship.

These issues are always about choice. Your GF can choose to do nothing and risk losing you or take your concerns seriously. You can choose to have a relationship without sex. You can say to yourself the relationship is so good otherwise that it's worth going without. That’s your choice. Or you can admit you want more from a relationship and that you may be prepared to lose what you have to get the relationship you really want.

Stop dancing around the issue and take some action. Some things can’t be ignored.

[joejack911]

"A relationship without sex when one partner wants it is frequently very painful. Resentment and frustration builds over time and this starts to infect other parts of the otherwise healthy relationship."

Gemini, you are right. That is why I joined this forum. I have been feeling this way for the past year. Sex is very important to me. I haven't step out on her, and I thought about it, but I don't feel I can take to that point if we aren't split up. Zlata and Jenni, tell me what you guys think about what I said.

Thanks,
Joe

[Xrayman]

One major detail that I left out of the story is that she has been masturbating since she was 14, and she is 28 yrs old now and she still masturbates.

And your point is??

Don't you masturbate?

Her masturbation seems to concern you? Why? This has nothing to do with her not wanting sex with you, It seems more like a symptom of not having sex.

As far as I'm concerned whatever your sexual release is-you should be doing it until you die... But that's just my OPINION.