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    twelvemonkeys's Avatar
    twelvemonkeys Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 10, 2009, 02:04 PM
    What is up with my wife?
    So my wife and I got married young - I was 22, she 21. We met at college and dated for a year and then we're a part for 8 months and then got back together for another year before marrying.

    During the summer after our first year of dating my wife fell in love with another man. She has always had a hard time being alone (drug abuse and a hard time taking care of herself, getting up in the morning) and after two weeks of being a part over the summer she slept and continued to have an intense emotional relationship with her ex-boyfriends high school friend. This absolutely destroyed me, especially since we were on a lease to live together next year. I had hope for us, that she would come back to me but she never did. She moved out and lived with him. Two months later she came back to me, professing her undying love for me. She said she was scared to committ to me and ran off with her other boyfriend because she was 'so happy' with me and believed our relationship to be her final one.

    Anyway, we got married a year later. I have to admit I was pretty harsh on her for being with that other guy. I had overheard them having sex and read her diary (because I wanted the truth about her feelings for me - she was leading me on) which talked about how much she loved that other guy - way way more than she loved me. She chose him in every way. This made me really sad and hurt and I took it out on her quoting her diary to hurt her and show how much it hurt me.

    She resented me a lot for this but for the past few months ( we've been married 8 months now) I have completely stopped bring her ex up and all the things she did with him.

    I feel my wife is unstable and always has been unstable. When we were first dating she cheated on me a lot and was always running off with other guys, she has cheated on every one she has been with. However, that has all ended but I feel her unstableness has transpired in other ways. She is monogamous and does love me, however she does not ever just let us be happy.

    Nothing is ever good enough for her. She changes her mind about me ever other hour and this causes me to be very distant from her because I feel she is just going to 'turn' and I'm going to get hurt because I do love her very much. At nights she is usually very loving and nice but in the morning I am usually woken up to her being very angry for something completely inane (sound I made, phone rang and woke her up, etc.) She calls me dumb and stupid and rips me a new one making me feel very bad about myself. Then she changes later in the evening calling me baby and being very loving. I am very distant because I think she is just going to change, something will set her off and she will tell me how much she hates me and start to attack me. She doesn't understand why I can't just be loving to her all the time and this makes her even more angry.

    The last fight we had was last night. I want to visit my family (I moved near her to be with her) and she didn't want me to because of business stuff that she can't do on her own. She finally just told me to leave and get a divorce. She was serious. I broke down crying and we talked it out and she basically was really upset over how distant I was being. If I tell her it's because I'm scared of her (when she gets mad she will often become violent) she tells me I'm abusing her by making everything 'her fault.' If I remember something differently than her, I am 'gas-lighting' her and being abusive which she attacks me emotionally for and threatens to leave. Apparently she had been getting mad because I had been being distant (although I was especially distant because she attacked me a few days before). So, she told me how she liked to be touched and I was doing that all last night and this morning. This morning I decided to go surprise her with a few things from Target that she wanted. I gently woke her with a kiss and told her where I was going. She told me to get a few more things, I said OK, then she said she was going to write a list. I expressed to her our financial issues and that I was only going for a few things - but to write a list anyway. She got so upset and said "I should have never made up with you." blah blah slamming doors in my face and threatening to attack me if I continued to talk to her or be nice to her.

    This is so disheartening, I was being really affectionate and putting me heart into it and then she just 'turns' again. It just makes me want to cry - I get way more hurt because I thought she wanted to make up and be all nice to each other, and then she just turns on me and the knife goes in further. Nothing I EVER do is good enough for her. She has to push everything to the limit.

    She chooses to fight about EVERYTHING. It seems like she has a Jekyll/Hyde disorder. AM I the one to blame for her switches? Why can't she just be happy with me and let me love her? When she turns on me I secretly vow not to let her being nice get to me because I know it is fake.

    She has also admitted to being a pathological liar in the past - which she disregards now. She has done a lot of inhumane ed up , and has been emotionally abusive. But, If I say anything like that she tells me I'm being a whiny baby and "do you think I want to be with you" and all these mean things. She even went on my computer and deleted all my diary entries and wrote instead "I am a whiny little baby" on all of them. I don't try to say anything mean, I just want to be nice and hopefully she won't do those or say those hurtful things but she never stops. She will just turn and become cold as ice and be the meanest person I have ever met.

    It breaks my heart because when she's nice, she is soooo nice and sweet and loving and my dream girl. I can't take the Hyde personality though.. I don't know what to do.

    HELP! Thanks. She threatens to divorce me all the time, should I just go? She's my whole life though. I think I'd die if I left.

    I'm not a bad person. I have dated girls and treated them like princess. I'm not abusive.. she is manipulative and twists everything I say or do. She's always telling me what I am thinking or saying or doing which I'm not! If I try to defend myself against her allegations, I'm "keeping score". Even right now as I write this, I can hear her telling me I'm a "whiny little baby" and I feel like crap for being so. This is just in the bad times.

    In the good times, it is good! She is kind and sweet and supportive and I believe she just wants to be loved and taken care of. I don't want to give that up.

    That's what I want to give her very badly. I do want to just love and take care of someone, it's been my dream as well. However, she is very irrational sometimes. Like the Target thing, I'd love to be able to buy her a bunch of thing but I'm unemployed right now. So she thinks I'm a liar and selfish when I can't do such a thing. I still want to take care of her and when I get a job I will. I wish she would just understand that something's aren't plausible right now no matter how much we want them. It's not something to fight over.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #2

    Aug 10, 2009, 02:11 PM

    She is playing a BIG manipulative game on you to let everything be her way and about her. You need to tell her when she threatens you with divorce that she's the one who keeps threatening that she wants one.
    For your sanity sake you need OUT
    She is miserable with her self and taking it out on you.

    If she wants this to last she needs to learn to compromise and get some counselling.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Aug 10, 2009, 02:18 PM

    She obviously has issues.

    Has she ever been to a therapist? She sounds bipolar.

    You shouldn't have to put up with this.

    You two need therapy.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #4

    Aug 10, 2009, 05:32 PM
    Try going to this website: A Shrink for Men

    I think that you will find a lot of your wife there - I suggest, from what you've described (and I always hesitate to make a 'diagnosis'), that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder or even Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    I would also strongly recommend that you should speak to a counselor on your own. It is extremely difficult to manage another person's behavior when it is as dysfunctional as you describe. Regardless of what her actual problem is, you need to get some support for yourself and you need to understand why you are in a relationship with someone that is like this.

    If you don't, eventually you will feel drained and worn out and she will move on to someone else. If you do, you may begin to understand what the dynamic between you is and you'll be able to make an informed choice about whether you want to stay.
    mrcrebs27's Avatar
    mrcrebs27 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 10, 2009, 08:09 PM

    She does sound like something is wrong. Is she still doing drugs? Or does she have any past emotional issues? Or did something really bad happen while you were apart? I know its hard to just talk when people are mad or what not but try sitting her down and tell her you are worried and why. Don't blame her or yourself for anything. Sounds like there is an underline problem possibly. I think she does love you or else she would have already divorced you. Just be understanding even if you don't understand. Being married is tough being there for each other is the best thing you can do for her even if she is trying to bite off your head!
    twelvemonkeys's Avatar
    twelvemonkeys Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Aug 11, 2009, 08:15 PM

    Thank you very much for your responses. They give me a lot of perspective and help so much.

    She was recently diagnosed with ADD although I think it goes beyond that. The medication helps a little - mainly with getting her out of bed in the morning but not with much else. She goes to therapy but I don't know how much that is happening. The other day she came back from it upset that I wasn't wearing the clothes she wants me to wear and started attacking me. I think she issues were brought to the surface and she resents me.

    She still smokes weed a lot - sometimes wakes and bakes until the night. I think this causes her to change a lot too. She has always been impulsive and changes her mind all the time. It's an emotional rollercoaster.

    Like, after she got mad at me for the Target thing, she came back and hugged me and apologized - I bust out crying because I was feeling so hurt before and then she just goes and is nice and says sorry. It's a crazy, emotional ride. Then later she got mad at me and threatened all these things because I went to the library (she had asked me to) without waking her up (she was taking a nap). I was trying to be nice as I was only gone 5 minutes but she was furious. She started texting me all these things like "you're in trouble" and so I rushed back only to be attacked and harassed by her. She wouldn't let up - even when I apologized and hugged her profusely. She is just back and forth. She'll tell me she hates me and then she says she loves me 30 minutes later. I'm only trying to do right by her to the best of my abilities.

    I thought she was just like this in college because she was unstable and didn't have her life in order, she said it was just because she was lost but I think it is just who she is. I feel blinded to her evils because her nice side is so great. I wish I had the strength to leave, every time I try though I miss her and feel heartbroken without her. We do everything together.

    It just hasn't been the same since she left me for that other guy. She questions our relationship a lot and says I love her more than she loves me.

    She is very spoiled and selfish and was brought up that way. I hadn't realized it because she likes to shop at Wal-mart and stuff and didn't seem very snobby. But her personality is effected by the way she was brought up definitely. I was thinking maybe she is borderline too.

    Thank you again. This helps.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #7

    Aug 11, 2009, 08:19 PM

    It sounds like maybe you need to go to counselling with her occasionally and tell the therapist your side of the story because I am sure she is painting a different picture for him and you could use some couples counselling to help her understand she is treating you like a child.
    twelvemonkeys's Avatar
    twelvemonkeys Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Aug 11, 2009, 08:36 PM

    13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist A Shrink for Men

    THanks for the link, this article describes our relationship and how I'm feeling (like I'm going crazy!) very well. She does everything on that list including blaming me for EVERYTHING.. if she drops her GPS, it's my fault and reason enough to attack me.. she castrates me every day when I am good to her and able. I don't need this.

    She also makes all the rules and changes her mind constantly when I'm just adjusting to her first demands. It's got me running around with my head cut off.

    Anyway, thanks for the help. So, where do I go from here? I guess therapy?
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #9

    Aug 11, 2009, 08:50 PM
    The dreaded weed will only exacerbate the situation and it sounds as if the counselor is not doing much good either.

    Ask yourself if you believe that it's sustainable to stay in a marriage with someone that is this dysfunctional. Do you want to be the vessel into which they spew all their bad moods, anger and abuse, or be their therapist? Either choice sounds pretty awful to me.

    Ask yourself why you stay. Fear of loss? Need for her approval?

    Relationships should bring us joy and happiness most of the time. This relationship seems to bring you neither. You are actually being emotionally and physically abused. Luckily you don't have children.

    I think that YOU need to make the choice and give her the ultimatum. She either does something about her behavior or you're moving out and staying out.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #10

    Aug 11, 2009, 09:07 PM

    As you've already guessed, she's abusive. I do not believe you have a future with this woman. She is more likely to treat you worse in the future than better.
    The relationship is destroying you. Save yourself and divorce her.

    Her sweetness seems sweeter than it is because it's such a relief after her cruelty and hostility. But no one should be treated the way she is treating you.

    Good luck!
    twelvemonkeys's Avatar
    twelvemonkeys Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Aug 11, 2009, 09:19 PM

    So, I went to her and asked if she would be willing to do couples therapy with me. She said she'd talk about it with her therapist.

    Then she came to me and said she didn't want to do therapy with me... ever. She thought I had 'something up my sleeve' and didn't like the look on my face when I asked her. She said I was trying ruin something good in her life (her therapy). So, I said we could go to my therapist and she said she dislikes my therapist. So, I asked her if I got a new therapist would she compromise and see them. She said probably not. She always gives me hope and then squashes it. A while ago she entertained the idea of me going to see her therapist and now when I bring it up she squashes it. I feel demoralized. It's my fault, I wasted the opportunity.. although I know there never would have been an opportunity because that opportunity was fake in all actuality.

    I said I just want a mediator there who can help us talk to each other in a healthy way and to work on our relationship. She asked me to wash dishes and I said I already washed a bunch and she called me a liar saying I was worthless, pathetic and never did anything around the house. She said she didn't believe me and that she does everything and I do nothing. No matter what I do or how much I try to help and make things better, I've done nothing and am worthless.

    I know this kind of stuff is just going to go on forever. I can't keep having hope that things will be just plain good again.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #12

    Aug 11, 2009, 09:23 PM

    You are worse than verbally abused
    You are down right bullied

    This is not love. She has NO respect for you in any way. She only wants you because it would kill her pride if you dumped her-plus she won't have anybody else to put up with her sorry @$$
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #13

    Aug 11, 2009, 09:25 PM
    I think she knows she has a problem.

    This is not behaviour that she cannot learn how to control, and it is not behaviour that she is not smart enough to see how it is affecting you.

    You might consider putting some expectations upon her, and some boundaries in the relationship for starters.

    You are probably worn out, and worn down, but you must step up before she destroys herself, and her relationship with you. I think it's a miracle that you've stayed and put up with it this long- my hat is off to you.

    Regardless of what her diagnosis is, you have no idea of how she is also, possibly, manipulating the therapist she is seeing. The therapy itself, if not appropriate or meaningful to her, will also make her angry and upset. Probably confused. With such a short attention span, coupled with the weed, and the mood swings, she is a powderkeg waiting to explode. And she does- at you.

    I would enlist the help of her parents. Tell them everything you have said here, and I doubt they will be surprised. I hope they will be supportive.

    Make an appointment to see a therapist with her. Both of you need to address these major issues of just day to day living. Be prepared to be brutally honest, and take advantage of having a mediator listen and allow you to speak while your girlfriend listens.

    Go with the intent of saving the relationship, with changes. That will be the key. If she can see you are serious, and that simple expectations are required, with consequences if she cannot step up, you will know soon enough if she is willing to sincerely try.

    If there is no groundwork for the relationship and she continues to show disrespect, abuse, and confrontational aggression, you must seriously consider your own well being, and leave the house, even if it is for a few days, a week, a month.

    IF she shows she can choose to control herself and treat you with a little dignity, and you can see that she is honestly trying, you shouldn't be afraid to suggest that she have an assessment done. It would be good if the parents were onboard with this to encourage her to keep trying, and get the help she needs.

    Only a thourough psychiatric assessment can determine what, if any, mental illness she has, and how to appropriately treat it.

    Try not to get bogged down with all the 'what if's' because you'll drive yourself crazy. Instead focus on what you have to do, keeping in mind you must be safe, and the very least you have to be confident of her is, she will attend counselling immediately.

    You have a difficult road ahead of you. Stay strong.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #14

    Aug 11, 2009, 09:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    Regardless of what her diagnosis is, you have no idea of how she is also, possibly, manipulating the therapist she is seeing. The therapy itself, if not appropriate or meaningful to her, will also make her angry and upset. Probably confused. With such a short attention span, coupled with the weed, and the mood swings, she is a powderkeg waiting to explode. And she does- at you.
    Exactly why I was hoping couples therapy would be an answer
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #15

    Aug 11, 2009, 10:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by twelvemonkeys View Post
    13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist A Shrink for Men

    THanks for the link, this article describes our relationship and how I'm feeling (like I'm going crazy!) very well. She does everything on that list including blaming me for EVERYTHING.. if she drops her GPS, it's my fault and reason enough to attack me..she castrates me every day when I am good to her and able. I don't need this.

    She also makes all the rules and changes her mind constantly when I'm just adjusting to her first demands. It's got me running around with my head cut off.

    Anyways, thanks for the help. So, where do I go from here? I guess therapy?
    Yes, therapy for you so you can get out intact. It ain't going to get better - only worse.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #16

    Aug 11, 2009, 10:43 PM

    I personally would not waste time on couples therapy. Whatever personal feelings come out in therapy she will use to hurt him further.

    He needs to escape this abusive woman. Why she is the way she is does not matter anymore. There is nothing sacred about this marriage. It's an instrument of psychic torture.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #17

    Aug 11, 2009, 11:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by asking View Post
    I personally would not waste time on couples therapy. Whatever personal feelings come out in therapy she will use to hurt him further.

    He needs to escape this abusive woman. Why she is the way she is does not matter anymore. There is nothing sacred about this marriage. It's an instrument of psychic torture.
    Had to spread the rep, Asking, but I utterly agree. There is no way that you can win with people like this and counseling is most often a disaster.

    Just ask my husband. His ex is a magnified and smarter version of what twelvemonkeys has described. She used therapy to blame and trash him while exonerating herself. He emerged excoriated, she emerged empowered. Go figure.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #18

    Aug 12, 2009, 04:52 AM

    Yep he is in a no win situation
    For real!

    Hope he can remain intact
    babyygirllx3's Avatar
    babyygirllx3 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Aug 12, 2009, 05:01 AM

    seriously dude... yew need to get out of that. My ex girlfriend was the same way. It only gets worse. No matter what yew try to do... it will only get worse. She has some mental issues and is letting her past rule her life. She probably has been through some tough times but she has no right taking it out on yew. The next time she says she wants a divorce or tells yew to do it... yew better do it. Find someone who will treat yew the way yew shuld b treated. Yew don't deserve to b treated like crap because she has issues. I feel bad for yew but honestly... thats not a healthy relationship to b in. yewr still young. Go have fun and meet the right women for yew. =]<3
    IHadAnNPDWife's Avatar
    IHadAnNPDWife Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Aug 12, 2009, 08:21 AM
    She sounds full blown borderline personality disorder. She will suck you dry. She'll threaten divorce, but never do you favour of actually getting one. You've seen shrink4men, you understand now? Get out! Get out! Get out! Especially important DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN.

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